October 30, 2013

Agonizing Decision

Do you ever wonder how different your life could have been if you made a different decision? Or if you had the guts to walk away from something or someone that's causing you pain? Every day we're faced with decisions, choices and opportunities. Some we don't want to take, some we do. Some we have no choice in and some we couldn't make fast enough. 

Today I thought about all the wrong decisions I've ever made in my life and wondered if my life had been different if I didn't made them. The obvious answer would be yes of course. One of the decisions that I made and regretted was my degree course. Yep, I didn't like it. I even disliked it more when it led to another stupid decision that I made last June..which I never told anyone. No one knows about this, even my mom, my boyfriend, my best friend..so I'm gonna say it now.

I declined a job offer as one of editors at Zalora.

I came across your blog and I loved your honest and down-to-earth writing style. You also have great thought-provoking entries. Zalora is looking to collaborate eloquent and talented bloggers like yourself, and I was wondering if you would be keen on working with us. Do let me know if you are interested?

That's the 1st email I received in June 2013. I sent my resume enclosed with a sample of article. Few weeks later I was accepted and they required me to work at their HQ in KL. The excitement turned to sorrow. I had to decline it because I was in the middle of thesis and finishing degree which I couldn't turn down just like that. I made my own choice without discussing with anyone. I don't know why I did that, and so it's stupid. It is stupid now. That's the most agonizing decision I've ever made in my life. 

Every decision I've made or didn't make for that matter has all led me to where I am today. Where am I? Home. Unemployed. So the question that should be asked is "what have I learned?"

Well, the Zalora job might not be my rezeki after all. Someone else who's way braver and wiser deserves it. My life's a series of unfortunate events that have only made me stronger. Of course we never see it that way at the beginning but how does anyone know how something is going to end at the start, right?

I try to be grateful. That’s how strange life is, you have to take each day as it comes and try and always be grateful for the great things in your life. You should write a list of 10 things every morning of the things you're grateful for and see the rewards you're blessed with. Nobody can change the past and so we should take pride in learning from our mistakes and choosing to always live In the present. 

October 29, 2013

How to Tell

Somebody loves you if they don't mind the quiet. They don't mind running errands with you or doing their work while you blasting some annoying music. There's no pressure, no need to fill the silences. 

You know how with some of your friends there needs to be some sort of activity for you to hang out? You don't feel comfortable just shooting the shit and watching bad reality TV with them. You need something that will keep the both of you busy to ensure there won't be a void. That's not love. That's "hey, I like you okay. Do you wanna grab lunch? I think we have enough to talk about to fill 2 hours!" 

It's a damn dream when you find someone you can do nothing with. Whether you're skydiving together or sitting at home and doing different things, it's always comfortable. That is love.

October 28, 2013

Twenty Something

When I was 13, I couldn't wait to be 18. I thought I'd know it all by then, have all the answers and that prized freedom. And when I was 16, I planned to be married by age 24..lol. I'll always smile to myself when I think about how time changes things. And when I turned 20 I made a list of as many goals as I had in years. By my 23rd birthday, I've accomplished half of them. And a funny thing will happen about the time you turn 23. People start asking about marriage and job. You begin to worry about savings, health, house, car and everything. And sometimes you start to compare your 23 years with everyone else's. You wonder if you're on the right track because it's different from all the people you're surrounded by. You start going to your friends' weddings and buying baby gifts for birthdays. And suddenly you realize you're at the exact age that seemed so far away just 5 years ago.

I’ve always liked including myself in the 20 something category. Growing up, but not quite grown up. You're an adult, but still recognize that you're part kid, you know. I've enjoyed the navigating of adulthood and all of my new first time experiences. A job. My 1st paycheck. Being old enough to travel. But it seems like the older I've gotten, the more aware I've become of my short-lived stay in the '20s' and the pressure to fit the mold of all of the rest of the 'twenthirders'. I've started to think about how easy it is to become controlled by our age. And the expectation of what your age signifies to everyone else..how old you should be by the time you graduate, buy your 1st house, get married, have kids, etc. Suddenly it seems like there are all these benchmarks to meet, even when they don't match the goals you're trying to reach.

Forget molds. Because as easy it is to forget, you're free to do what you want with your life. The problem is, that can be quite the responsibility, to live your life the way you want to, rather than the way you're expected to. Especially if that means taking a big jump. And especially when that jump may feel like a free fall. Maybe quit your 1st job and go back to college continuing study if that feels right. Maybe get married or don't. Maybe you change your mind, end a relationship that no longer serves you. Become a different person. Maybe you move away or move back home. Or maybe you're scared to do these things because it's uncomfortable and unexpected. Maybe it's because you don't know if everything would fall into place or you're scared what that would mean if it did.

Dear teenagers, when you're in your 20s, I hope you buy a flight ticket to other countries. I hope you get lost wandering all of the streets. I hope you travel the world and read lots of books. I hope you have interesting conversations over warm cups of tea. I hope you set goals and change them. Write a book. Change your mind. Start new friendships and let go of the ones that you need to. Say goodbye to all of the things that have kept you stagnant and vow to keep moving forward. I hope you stay up all night laughing with your friends. And when you're 30, learn something new. I hope your life is one of wisdom and youth, adventure and old age, no matter what year it was that you were born. And then it goes on.

But what I really mean to say is that I hope you aren't held back because of a number, that you don't rush into things because it feels like time is slipping by. Do what's right for you.  Hold on, slow down, and breathe in. Your age is your age. But more importantly, your life is your life. Don't change your journey so that it matches someone else's. We need to walk different paths so the whole world can be explored. Revel in the differences and enjoy where you are. :)

GDayX in Kota Kinabalu!

Hey lovelies! Do you know there's a bunch of awesome events that you can join out there? Yes! One of them is the GDayX!

GDayX is a community-organised event that is supported by Google. This event brings together Google employees and influential voices of the industry to engage with Google users, the students, start-ups, entrepreneurs, business owners and professionals, to learn and share insights on web technology and Google tools.

A special showcase of Google Glass, first time ever in Sabah will also happening on the event day! Isn't that cool?

Whether you're looking for networking opportunities, want to know more about Google tools and what it can do for you or leveraging Google technologies for online presence and business expansion, this GDayX is the perfect place to get it started.

So here's the event details for GDayX in Kota Kinabalu,

Date: 24th November 2013
Venue: GSC Hall, Suria Sabah
Time: 9AM to 6PM

So what are you waiting for? Register now! Don't worry, loves. The event is free of charge but requires online registration at GDayX Registration.

For more info, go the GDayX website or Facebook Page or Google+ Page

You don't want to miss this awesome event, do you? ;)

October 25, 2013

Fiction Friday: Three Questions

My mother told me that when I meet someone I like, I have to ask them three questions:

1. What are you afraid of?
2. Do you like cats?
3. What do you do when it rains?

Of those three, she said the first one is the most important.
"They gotta be scared of something, baby. Everybody is. If they aren't afraid of anything, then they don't believe in anything, either."

So I met a boy on a Monday, right after art class. One look and my heart fell into my stomach like a trap door.

On our second date, I asked him what he's afraid of.
"Spiders, mostly. Being alone. Little children, like, the ones who just learned how to push a kid over on the playground. Oh and space. Holy shit, space," he said.
I asked him if he liked cats.
"I have three," he said.
I asked him what does he do when it rains and he said, "sleep, mostly. Sometimes I sit at the window and watch the rain droplets race. I make a shelter out of plastic in my backyard for all the stray animals, leave them food and a place to sleep."

He smiled like he knew, like his mom told him the same thing and he asked me back, “how about you?”

Then I said, "me? I’m scared of everything. Of the hole in the ozone layer, of the lady next door who never
smiles at her cat, and especially of all the secrets the government must be breaking, it’s back trying to keep from us. I love cats so much, you have no idea. I sleep when it rains. I want to tell everyone I love them. I want to find every stray animal and bring them home. And I want to see you everyday and draw silly stick figures of us. Because I like you."

He smiled again and brushed a leaf that fell on my hair. "I like you too," he said.

I never want to ask anyone else these questions ever again.

October 22, 2013

Right to Leave

Not all toxic people are cruel and uncaring. Some of them love us dearly. Many of them have good intentions. Most are toxic to our being simply because their needs and way of existing in the world force us to compromise ourselves and our happiness. They aren't inherently bad people, but they aren't the right people for us. And as hard as it is, we have to let them go. Life is hard enough without being around people who bring you down, and as much as you care, you can't destroy yourself for the sake of someone else. You have to make your well being a priority. Whether that means breaking up with someone you care about, loving a family member from a distance, letting go of a friend, or removing yourself from a situation that feels painful. You have every right to leave and create a safer space for yourself.

October 19, 2013

Spill My Guts

The time it takes to spill your guts, or perhaps the time it takes to summon the guts to tell your story, always differs from situation to situation. Either way, guts are involved and it's messy and makes you feel like your showing everyone your "insides" while everyone else shows their best "outsides." It's taken me a while to spill these particular guts of mine because in a way, I've been hoping for a different ending to this particular situation. And of course, I think it's okay to show the vulnerable parts of ourselves sometimes.

Well I don't remember when's the last time I wrote about my day-to-day life updates. What you guys see on my twitter or instagram..they're just on the surface. There's a lot going on beneath every tweet, every picture and every video. There's a month left until graduation day, where I'll meet my course mates again and telling updates about each other. Well, so far I don't have anything to prepare for the storytelling. 

I quit the job that I don't love and now I'm jobless. I've been sending resumes and browsing jobs everyday..and I'm still waiting. Actually I wouldn't really mind being unemployed until graduation if my parents didn't nag me about getting a job. Of course I wanna sit back, relax, be a couch potato and play with kitties everyday after 4 years of degree. But I can't just stay at home and convince my parents that my future will be alright. Plus they started to agitate me when the engagement and marriage stuffs came up. As much as I love the idea of that, I still need a job. I never thought that life after college could be this hard. I know I just gotta be strong, stay hopeful, keep believing and never stop praying. 

Things didn't work out because, well, greater things were in the works. It's so difficult while we're blind and hurting and don't know which way is up. But, if you have faith in anything, have faith in the fact that the universe has a beautiful way of straightening things out far better than we ever could. You may not see it today or tomorrow, but you will look back in a few years and be absolutely perplexed and awed by how every little thing added up and brought you somewhere wonderful, or where you always wanted to be. You will be grateful that things didn't work out the way you once wanted them to. - via

October 18, 2013

Fiction Friday: I'm Always Here

I remember our first kind of contact like it all happened yesterday, it was in 2011. We were at our local sport club that we both play for and you were outside, dancing and goofing around just like you always do. I couldn't do anything but laugh at you, you were so damn funny with your stupid moves and crazy smile. I already knew you for 7 years, but we never really got in touch before that day, you were always just a guy I used to see on the weekends with my cousin and your other friends. But suddenly there was this thing, like when you meet someone and you just know that they are going to be in your life, and you don't really know why and if you want them to yet, but you kind of have no choice but letting them in, just because you know they've got something special about them that you have to figure out, you know? Well that was kind of the deal with you, I didn't know what you were going to mean to me in the near-future but I really wanted to figure it out.

So I let you in, and in a very short period of time I realized that I had found someone who was going to mean the world to me, who I trusted like no one else. My best friend. We talked about everything, we had funny conversations about our friends or about stupid imaginations we always made up, and we had serious conversations, about our home situations, life, the fact that my boyfriend, Nick, was away for 6 months. I really missed him, you know, but you helped me get through, you kind of did everything he would do for me, but still it was a total platonic relationship, and I enjoyed every second we spent together. You made me laugh, oh I don't think you even know how much you made me laugh. If I could only knew how much you could make me cry too back then.

And when Nick came home in January, I couldn't just put you aside, you became too damn important for me. I couldn't just let this whole amazing friendship get taken away from me just because my boyfriend wasn't really pleased with it. And that was it, the end of life as I knew it. From that moment on I knew that you had to be the person I would spend the rest of my life with, and that I had been in love with you since that first moment we met and you did that stupid dance with your crazy smile. But I denied it to myself and to everyone who was only a bit curious about you and me, because everybody saw what we had. Nobody could place it. But everybody saw it.

Still I didn't want to admit it, because I knew this was the most wrong thing to do, and I loved Nick right? I did right? I didn't know anymore. The only thing I knew is that I wanted to be with you. You were like my brother and I was like your sister, and that was at all it was. That should have been all it was. But the days went by and I couldn't get myself away from you, and you knew it too.

You know what the worst thing was? I fell for you, I loved you, and I didn't feel bad, I didn't feel bad at all and the only thing I wished for was loving you for the rest of my life. So I broke up with Nick, hoping we could become what I wanted us to become, even though at the time, I still didn't realize what I wanted back then; a relationship. I agreed to become 'just friend' with you. That was a good agreement for us both we thought, that would be fun, that would be awesome, because we didn't have any feelings for each other and we couldn't have a relationship anyway. You told me, "we are good for each other, but people won’t like the fact of us together, so it’s better this way right?" Right.

So that was our relationship for 3 months, 3 months of fun and laughter, 3 months of craziness and goofing around. And then I saw you in the cafe with Diana, I saw you talking to her, but I didn't really expect you to ever fall for her. Until 2 weeks later when you told me "I'm going on a date with the girl from the cafe."

And now we're 2 years later since the day in September, and you've been dating Diana for 9 months now and I still can't believe it. The day you told me that you were with her now, that you loved her and that you didn't need me anymore. The day you told me that we were back to being 'friends'. That was the day I had to admit to myself that I loved you, that I loved you more than anything else in this whole wide world. I still can't believe that that day had to happen to me. We're 2 years later now and I still love you. I love you to bits and I don't know if I can ever love someone else that way ever. I just don't think I can. We're not even friends anymore now, you're too scared to look at me when she's around, you're too scared to talk to me when she's around. And the worst part? You are not the person you were anymore, you've become the person you always said you hated. The one stuck to his girlfriend, with no life beside her. You became the person you never wanted to be. The kind of person we used to laugh at.

And now, you're not even wishing me a happy birthday anymore, you don't even say hi when Diana’s around, and it took me all of my courage to invite you to my birthday and graduation party this summer, but you just didn't show up. We agreed to have a talk about the way things were going now, and you didn't show up. And that was the point where I knew I had to break all of the few contact I had with you. But you know what they say "you can delete their numbers of your phone, you can delete them as friend from Facebook, but you’ll never delete them from your heart." And there's nothing more true than that.

For me, you will always be that guy with the goofy dance and the crazy smile that I loved from the first moment on. I wish you the best, I really do. I love you and I hope you've found the love of your life and that you'll be happy with her. And if you won't, I'll be here. Because I remember how we sat there, talking slowly and laughing, looking at the stars, when we were only just friends. You told me that nothing could ever break us, that I was one of the best things in your life so far. And I believed you. You told me "I'll never leave you alone, and if you feel used or hurt, I'm there." And I know you are still somehow there, you just don't want to show it anymore.

October 15, 2013

We All Start as Strangers

A few weeks ago when I was thinking about love I came to the conclusion that somehow someday someone would walk in to our life and make us realize why it never worked with anyone else. That someone has walked into my life 5 years ago and I still couldn't be happier.

I've found someone who made all heartbreaks finally worth it. He's everything I believed in and everything I knew I would find. He pushes me in the right direction, and what's even more amazing is that just like I hoped, he supports my dreams and makes me feel like I can do anything in the world. I guess the reason for this post is because right up until I met him a small part of me had lost hope.

We are all guilty of it, but I want anyone who feels like giving up right now to know that hope keeps our belief alive and so you must never let it go. Even when you feel more alone than usual you must remain strong and know that great things really do come when you least expect it, and not just in relationships, in anything; work, family, friends, etc.

You have to keep your mind focused and your heart strong and not let anything get in the way of what you deserve. Everybody deserves to be loved but what really matters is that you love yourself first. You have to know how to make yourself happy before anything because at the end of the day it's your happiness that counts and it's finding someone to share that happiness with that's important not finding someone to fix it.

Work on yourself first and the rest will fall in to place. Don't give up on love and never give up on yourself. Stay hopeful and keep believing.

October 14, 2013

Not Guilty

Things you do not have to feel guilty about:

Saying no sometimes.
Wanting to be alone sometimes.
Saying no to sex.
Not being sure about your life career.
Deciding to study instead of going out.
Getting rid of the toxic people in your life.
Ending a relationship that is hurting you.
Not liking the things everyone else likes.

Most Memorable Photo

My favorite and most memorable photo that I've taken:

It was during a 5-day holiday trip to Manila, Philippines with my friends. We went to Manila Ocean Park on 2nd day and among all attractions, Jellies: The Dancing Sea Fairies was my favorite. Yes, they're real transparent jellyfishes that dance like fairies.

It's not like there's a lot of amazing stunts you can see. Their dancing was more like a slow waltz rather than hiphop dancing, for example. The changing colors of lights in the tanks made me feel magical as those jellies amazed me with their serene floating. I didn't even read the names of each jelly type because I was too mesmerized, it's like I was hypnotized by those sea fairies. I could spend a whole just watching them, honestly. And it's also one of the best times in my life. Travelling to a foreign country for the 1st time with my buddies was really great. We had so much fun. ^^

October 12, 2013

To Make you Giggle

I'd like to share something that I found on Tumblr: Funny Cafe Board Signs. 


October 11, 2013

Fiction Friday: Heartless

Anger filled my heart as I walked into my favorite cafe. She's sitting at my table. I walked up to her. "You killed him!" I said, slamming my hands down on the round table. I only said it loud enough for her to hear. I didn't want to cause a scene. She didn't know who I was, but I knew her from the pictures I've seen. She acted confused, but she definitely knew who I was talking about. 

"Why would I kill my own father?" she said. Her act of innocence made me want to slap her face, but two could play that game.

"I know you killed him." I said, calmly taking a seat. 

"He died of a heart attack." she said. I sat quietly as I thought about what I wanted to say to her. We sat there for a few minutes, before she spoke again. "Who are you? Why do you care?" she questioned. 

"I'm his daughter." I said, which seemed to set her off. 

"No you're not! I'm his only child," she said as quietly as an infuriated person could. She didn't want to cause a scene either. 

"No," I said calmly, "You’re the reason he's dead."

I was more of a daughter to him than she ever was. He had never wanted to talk about her. When I had gone to his house for the first time, I noticed that his house did not reflect his character. I knew he was a family man because of the way I met him. Yet, there were no pictures of his family, not even any of his wife. Why don’t you have any pictures of your family? I asked. He smiled at me, with a tinge of sadness in his eyes, saying I took them down. Angela, my daughter, hardly visits me anymore. I think it was because the pictures make her sad. He brought out a couple of pictures of his wife and daughter, but he quickly put them away, and the subject was never brought up again. 

"Please," she said, bringing me back to the present, "explain to me as to why I would kill my own father. Only a sick person would kill their father. I am not that kind of person."

I laughed at her. "You're right," I said, "you didn't kill your father." She sat back in her chair, folding her arms, and smiling smugly. "You killed my father." I continued. 

If she was boiling before, she was about to blow now. She stood up and raised her hand at me, ready to slap me. I quickly put out my hands in defense. The action caused a few people to look at us. Her face fell as she asked me, "where did you get that bracelet?" We slowly sat down, again. The onlookers quickly went back to their own business. I knew we were finally getting somewhere. However, I did not know where I wanted this to go. 

"He gave it to me for my birthday last year," I answered. 

"How do you know my father?" She asked. 

"I met him at the graveyard two years ago," I explained. I had gone to the cemetery once every week to visit my parents after they died in a car accident. This man was there at the same time I was, every Sunday. I had seen him there a few times before I ever made any move to acknowledge him. We slowly went from smiling to each other, to saying hello, to finally talking. As time went by, we got a good relationship going. 

His name's John Ng. Mr Ng went to the cemetery every week to visit his wife. She passed away because she had heart attack. Mr Ng and I found comfort in each other. He was like a father to me. He always told me that I was the daughter he had lost. I did not know what he meant by that, except that his daughter hardly visited him, but I knew that I was going to be the daughter he deserved. 

She was quiet again, after I explained my story to her. I was getting tired of her silence, so I said, "why do you care about my bracelet anyway?"

She stared at my bracelet as she whispered, "it was my mine." She quickly changed the subject after that, which was something Angela and her father had in common. They didn't like to talk about things that saddened them. "It doesn't matter anyway," she said, "you still haven't given me a clear explanation as to why you think I killed my father. If you truly knew him like you say you did, you'd know that he wasn't murdered. He had a heart attack."

I sat back thinking about what I was going to say to her. "I visited him every day," I said. 

"I was busy," she replied, "is that a crime?"

"You never tried to contact him in any way," I told her. 

She sighed, then. "I knew that he had heart problems, just like my mother."

"So," I said coldly, "you should have been there for him." 

She looked away, sighing again. "When my mother died, I blamed it on myself."

"So?" I said, again. If she wanted me to feel sorry for her, it wasn't going to happen. 

"I didn't want to feel that guilt again, so I decided to distance myself from my father," she whispered. 

I grabbed her cup of coffee and dumped it on her. Everyone in the cafe looked at us as a loud, piercing screech came from Angela. "What is wrong with you?" She screamed, standing up. 

"You pulled away from your father because you did not want to feel the guilt you felt when your mother died?" I said. It suddenly hit me that, despite my attempts to not make a scene, we ended up in that exact predicament anyways. I suppose you can’t just accuse someone of killing their father and expect everyone to go about their business. I headed for the door, feeling the burning stares of everyone in the room. 

"Wait!" she yelled at me. She ran after me, grabbing my wrist. 

"What do you want?" I said turning around. 

"Why do you think I killed my father?" She said. Everyone listened closely, wanting to know the exact same thing. 

She was blind. After all of this, she still didn't know why I accused her of killing Mr Ng. "Don't you see," I said, "You tried so hard not to feel the guilt you felt when your mother died, yet guilt is all you should be feeling. You abandoned your father when he needed you the most. You basically left him there to die alone. You may not have stabbed your father in his heart, but you might as well have." Everyone became uninterested at this point, realizing that Angela was not a real murderer. Angela, though, was shocked as the revelation hit her. I removed my hand from her grip and walked away.

October 8, 2013

Keep Her Close

Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes, who has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve. You'll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag. She's the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she has found the book she wants. You see that weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a secondhand book shop? That's the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow and worn.

She's the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she's kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author's making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book. Buy her another cup of coffee. Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce's Ulysses she's just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It's easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry and in song. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she's going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does. She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world. Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who read understand that all things must come to end, but that you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two. Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 am clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She'll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are. You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she's sick. Over Skype. You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn't burst and bled out all over your chest yet. 

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you're better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes.

October 6, 2013

Who You Are

Someone once said to me, "don't ever stop writing. You would be numbing your soul. It's who you are."

Sometimes as we go through life trying to figure out which path to take next, we forget the things that make us happy and make us who we are. Some fall back in to a rut, some give up when things don't come easy to them, some lose hope when things don't happen over night and some take pain as a set back instead of over coming obstacles and pushing forward. 

When I think about what was said to me, I realized writing and expressing my thoughts and feelings is who I am and for a while I stopped expressing how I really felt. I got back in to that routine of just nodding along with life, I weren't really feeling, like my mind was split in two again.

Sometimes even at our happiest we're still affected by things that hurt us, like..you know, anything. It's over the past year that I've come to realize being strong isn't being fearless or switching off your emotions, it's expressing them and overcoming our boundaries and turning a negative situation in to something positive. We're so set on impressing other people that we forget who we really are. We adapt to what other people believe or likes or dislikes.

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment"

Be true to who you are, and if you still haven't figured out who that is yet, look inside your heart, look to those around you that inspire you. Be someone who will aspire to be more like you one day. Be kind, be gracious. Look for signs from the universe and enjoy life. Be weird, be wonderful. Be yourself.  Life's too short to be somebody else, ya'll.

October 5, 2013

Roses are Red, Violets are Blue

Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet, and perhaps so are you.

But the roses are wilted, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty, your wrists are stained red.

The sun isn't shining, the sky isn't clear;
there's no silver lining cause you're no longer here.

Rain keeps on pouring, there's no end in sight,
you're laying there frozen, so far from the light.

Your beauty's unreal, your smile the sun,
but times can’t be turned or your actions undone.

The words that you wrote, that only I read
"I love you so much; please don't cry when I'm dead".

A bond that we formed, a love that ran deep,
the pain that we shared, a friend I could keep.

I wanted to hold you, wrap the tears from your eyes;
been there the moment you had said goodbye.

I want to forget, but most times I don't,
I want to let go, but I know that I wont.

Tears on my face, memories burned in my head.
The roses are wilted, the violets are dead.

p.s: I don't remember where did I get this poem from. I love how they rhyme.

October 4, 2013

Fiction Friday: You're Not Mine

Black long wavy hair right down to her hips with slight curls at the tips. The white light bounce off her hair resulting in her black locks instantly shining and attracting. Her hazel eyes with a slight glint stare right into me. She's wearing her favorite red dress. That's what I see before me. My reflection. Every aspect of my appearance is carefully prepared to match Jay's liking.

My heart pounds not knowing how the night would end but I know it has to be today, otherwise I know I would never get a chance again. I readjust my dress and check every part of my body, checking them off in my mind. I sigh and look over to my watch. It is almost time; I have an hour left to panic before seeing him. Come on pull yourself together, I say to myself. Calmly I sit on my bed and look at the pairs of shoes I have in front of me not knowing which one to choose. I carefully analyse each pair of suitable shoes I own. Still I couldn't figure out which ones to wear with this red dress. I look at my black heels and then dart my vision to the red pumps. Why's life so difficult? I stare at the black heels and suddenly remember Jay had commented on them before. In fact he didn't just comment on them, he bought them for me for my birthday. 

"I don't know why but for some reason I just had to buy them for you. I know you'd make them look amazing!" He smiled at me whilst handing me the box.

"What do you mean I'd make THEM look amazing?" I questioned him not being able to stop myself from giggling. I took the black box and opened it up to see a pair of black heels. They shimmered in the glow of the light. There was a big smile on my face. He didn't know that I had looked at these shoes just the night before wishing I owned them, it was as though he had read my mind!

BZZZZZZZZZZZ. That sound snaps me away from the memories. Crap, it's my phone! I jumped off my bed and picked it up. "Hello. Okay, I’ll be there!" I hang up and run out of my apartment. I couldn't lie how happy I am. I hurriedly walk down towards the end of road just until I could the coffee lounge. It has been our secret place that no one else know about. I guess it has become special because it's where we first met, where we could be alone, away from the rest of the world. I slow down now as I could see the shop sign. I feel a sudden rush flow up my body at the thought of him finally hearing what I was about to say, the thought of him booming with happiness. This is the perfect time to tell him. 

I stand outside the store and look in to see if he's there. I press myself against the door to get a better view but no sign of him. Only the heat of my breath seems to mist up the glass window. I open the door and hear the jingle of the chimes above the door. I smile as it seems to suit the happy glow oozing out of me now. Just as I close the door behind me there's a handsome man before me grinning. He winks at me as I walk past. It makes me blush but I look away happily. I sat in our favorite spot peering at the view through the window knowing that any minute now he would walk in. 

I got nervous as I keep exchanging glances between the clock hanging on the beige wall and checking my phone for missed calls or messages. Still no contact from him but there is still time, I am just early. I reach out to the stack of magazines in front of me and pull one out from the pile to divert my attention elsewhere. I begin reading the relationship advice section to find all sorts of dilemmas. I'm so involved in a case given by a woman where she found her husband had cheated on her with her best friend, I'm shocked that such a situation's even possible. 

"That's good huh?" A familiar voice questions me. I look up to see a smirk on Jay's face. I totally forgotten about our meeting and feel so calm until I study his face in more detail. His lips lure me towards him every minute he speak. His eyes make mine flutter every moment he blink. There's nothing I could do but remain glued to this emotion I'm feeling instead of resisting temptation. He waves his hands at my face and clicks his fingers to get me back to reality. I guess he must have realized I was studying him too close as he's in confusion. Slightly embarrassed, I look away.

I laugh, trying to change the conversation, "Err.. I see you're wearing your good luck red shirt." I said pleasingly. He looks at his shirt and looks back at me confusingly. He walks to the counter and orders my drink. I couldn't stop wondering if there's a reason that he's been wearing that shirt today of all days. I smile unconsciously not realizing how stupid I look like. He must have realized I'm daydreaming again as he places our drinks on the table because he nudges my cheek to get my attention. But he never noticed how much I long for his affection. I move my head away and look up at him smiling. 

"Why are you so far away? Did you forget to eat vitamins?" He says and giggles. He gets up and sits next to me on the couch sliding his arm across my shoulders and resting his. I watch his face glow in amusement as he finish off his coffee ice as if he's a child happily moving to the beat of a nursery rhyme, he smiles pleasingly as though he had accomplished his lifetime goal.

"Nothing, I'm just happy to see you," I say. We hold a gaze for a while. Then he puts his drink on the table and is facing me. He pulls my hair back from my face and tucks it with the other strands and held my head between his hands carefully as though it was fragile, and he stares into my eyes.

"Jane..." He pause and grin. "Today is gonna be my lucky day!" He's almost shouting. I feel the excitement from him contagious, I begin to get excited myself for an unknown reason. Deep in my heart I'm confident this is going to be the end of my wait. He leans forward and whispers into my ear, "I hope you like her."

HER?! I looked at him disgusted, not meaning to. I pull back confused.

"Hey," a female voice hovers from behind. I couldn't recognize it, but among my confusions in the event he's already turning around and locked into a conversation with a brunette curled figure. I peer over his shoulder to catch a glimpse of her. She glances at me briefly making an awkward moment between the two of us. 

"Hello." I smile at her trying to break the ice. She waves back to me and smiles.

"Oh, sorry Jane, I totally forgot you're here! This is Louisa. Louisa, this is my best friend, Jane." 

"I've heard a lot about you." She replies, addressing me. Her eyes beam in amazement. Who is she, I wonder. I watch her holding Jay's arm as he plays with her her. If I didn't know any better I would say there's definitely something going on, they couldn't have been any more obvious.

"So don't get angry with me or anything, but do you remember when I told you about my ex?" Jay asks me and I nod. "Well, we started talking again and our families got to know that we had been in contact and well, you know how it is when the parents know." He winks. I'm still confused, he must have guessed my blank expression as a reply to his statement. "THAT'S her!" He exclaims. "Louisa's my ex. I wanted you both to meet, that's why I had kept it a secret all this long and not telling you about anything."

"Nice," I reply back. Then Louisa goes to the counter while me and Jay are sitting on the couch, but Jay sits away from me. It's almost as if this is a sign to show me how destiny's going to turn out, but during the moment I haven't really pick up on it. "Hmm, I still don't get why the secrecy if you're just talking to her, you goof?" 

"Well, isn't it obvious, you dork?” he pauses for a brief while, looks back at her and leans towards me and whispers, "we're getting back together. That's why I wanted you ladies to finally meet. I mean you're my best friend and well, she's my girlfriend. I want you both to get along with each other. Just give it a go please?" He begs.

I feel like a total stranger. I bite my lip trying ever so hard to not let my tears fall. I gulp the meaningless words down my throat and engulf the shattered pieces of my heart. Slowly I begin to edge a smile out through my face and nod. He gives me a high 5 and pinches my nose. As I watch him approaching Louisa, I run to a restroom.

Tears begin to fall down into a gush of an uncontrollable waterfall sliding off my face. I watch my reflection in the mirror not understanding why this is happening. I know I've lost the battle when he mentioned that she's his ex. She's the long lost love he would always talk to me about. I always thought that there's never a chance they would get back together again. Well I thought wrong. My mind is clustered with so many thoughts but this isn't the time or place, besides he'll be looking for me. I know that I have to go back out there and behave as everything's fine.

I check my face in the mirror and wipe away the tears that have dried on my face. I catch my breath and push the door. There he is standing with a smile on his face. He swings his arm around my shoulders and walks me up to Louisa. "He's a good man, I'm happy for you guys." I never imagined I would've been able to say that. Quite frankly I thought as soon as I walk up to her I would have set off crying, but instead those words came out straight from my heart. 

I think it's time to leave. I walk over to the counter to get some takeaways so I could get rid of the gut feeling I had around my stomach. While taking my order, the staff brings me into conversation. "I hope you don't mind me saying this but..it's his loss that he chose her over you. He's had you at his side for 10 years now and has been so blind to not realize everything he needs was always right there," the staff says nonchalantly.

I look up at him once realizing what he just said. How did he know? I was baffled. "Excuse m-"

"Who knows, maybe you'll make another guy lucky." He quickly interrupts me and winks. I feel myself blush but glad upon hearing those words. For some reason it gives me some assurance. I'm sure that in the upcoming years I'm going to be entirely happy with them being together, which is hard but it has to be done. I wouldn't want anything for him but happiness. If that's with her he would always have my blessing. I still love him nonetheless, I have to find a way to let go of those feelings. 

I look at this stranger and feel at ease. I look back at my best friend and his dream girl and then at this man, who plants a seed of hope within me. "Maybe," I reply and smile.

October 3, 2013

On My 23rd Birthday

3 October 1997. You have so much to learn, lil' kid.

It's my 23rd birthday! Lol. It's so impossible to be down on my birthday. I love looking at the past year and seeing how a year isn't that long of a time, but how much I've grown and improved. Sometimes you look back and realize that you had shitty times, but you made it through with a smile and made some fabulous memories along the way. That's what life is all about, staying happy! I don't know how this past year managed to fly by so quickly. It seems like just yesterday I turned 20. *gigglin* But this past year, it was amazing and life changing. Little did I know the adventures that were in store for me. And to think, that the adventures have merely just begun, well that's an incredibly wonderful thing. But, as an ode to the last year, I'd love to share 23 things I've come to know during this last year:

23. If you want to do something good, do it. Don't hesitate. People will be skeptical, people will tell you a million reasons it won't work. But if you feel you can do it, you probably can. And more than that, you'll regret it if you don't. 

22. I've done a thesis, which was one of the best things I've ever made, though definitely also one of the hardest.

21. Getting a passport and I've finally traveled! 

20. There'll be fears and there'll be dreams. Don't let the fears stop you from accomplishing your dreams by taking steps one by one to make your dreams come true. 

19. Rewarded myself with an original album of Paramore. 

18. Though far away in terms of distance, you really do keep those you love close in your heart, no matter where you are.

17. Honesty is the best policy. Just be who you are and people will like you for it, or not. But no point pleasing people who don't like you, and if you do, you will have to constantly do it which is not worth it at all.

16. People that are meant to come into your life, do. I can't control that, I can only have faith.

15. It really is about perspective & where you put your joy.

14. Blogging is still one of the greatest things I have decided to do.

13. I can actually cook. And bake. Real food. And some wickedly scrumptious home-made break. Yup.

12. Graduating from university is extremely exciting, but equally terrifying. But it's normal to feel that way. I'm going to be okay.

11. We're all going to run into a lot of naysayers in life. Let's ignore them. Better yet, let's prove them wrong. 

10. People come into our lives when they're meant to, just as much as they leave our lives when they're meant to. 

9.  It's okay to make mistakes. Really. It's not the end of the world when you do. Just know how to learn from your mistakes and try not to repeat them and be better next time. Life is a life long learning process!

8. There are a lot of things I need to quit being afraid of and just try.

7. People you don't see very often, or know particularly well, have the ability to tell you things that stay with you forever. (And things you most need to hear.)

6. Life in your twenties is pretty tricky and exciting, and really, really scary. It's okay to feel that.

5. Keep this in mind everyday: Today I am better than you, but maybe tomorrow, you'll be better than me.

4. Need to embrace uncertainty. 

3. Need to be more patient.

2. Being vulnerable is brave.

1. I am the luckiest girl in the world to have such wonderful family, friends and a boyfriend. I'm surrounded by blessings.

Thank you so much for letting me share these special life moments and lessons with you. I am forever thankful for your support! Love, love, love!

October 1, 2013

When People Leave

What to do when people leave you?

  • Do not hate them for it. They are on a journey too. 

  • Understand that sometimes you will be a bandage caressing a temporary wound or you will be a pinnacle of permanency rooted deeply in their heart. Accept that you do this to people too. 

  • Do not step on your feet trying to find a rhythm you are not meant to follow. 

  • Do not let it harden you: continue to nurture, continue to love.

  • People use words as anchors to latch onto bits of you and when they leave remind yourself that the sea never bled itself dry because a ship left it. 

  • Write the nastiest letter and burn it.

  • Yes, they may have illuminated pieces of you that you were unaware existed. But now you do and they are not the last person to remind you.

  • Dizzy yourself with everything you love, like dancing in the kitchen to horrid pop songs or reading Haruki Murakami. 

  • Set all that anger ablaze, you're wasting your time sifting through it. 

  • Internalize the fact that you're still breathing before you met them. 

  • Forgive them.


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