May 31, 2014

Best Days of Our Lives Haven’t Happened Yet







Someday I will host dinner parties and you will always be invited. We'll eat lovely food and perhaps the first time I'll try and have a hand at cooking a real big meal. If it doesn't work so well, the next time I'll just have something ordered-in. But nevertheless, food will be plenty and drinks will be flowing. 

We'll come together and every single time the conversation will start with something along the lines of, "where does the time go? It seems just like yesterday..." and for a moment we'll all sigh and smile at that truth, and the fact it'll be mentioned, just the same, at our next dinner party. We'll then talk of our lives. We'll share in roars of laughter and bicker about politics and how some of us still listen to Taylor Swift..but only because our quirks and differences are what we truly love about one another. We'll reminisce about all the memories we share and chuckle at our past selves.

"How could we have been so silly?" we'll say.

"We worried about so many unnecessary things!" we'll all agree.

We'll laugh until we cry and cry until we laugh. We'll find ourselves chatting on and on about how our loves drive us bonkers but we all will smile at one another, knowing that none of us would trade them for anything. We will then joke and point out our most embarrassing moments and then we'll sigh and say in unison, "how did we get through all of that?" And we'll not say it aloud, but in our hearts we will think, "it was crazy, exhausting and one of the most confusing times of our lives but we wouldn't change it for the world."

"Not one bit," we will silently repeat.

Someday.



May 24, 2014

Music and Memory





I've always been a music person. I mean, I'm not a musician but I really love music. Everyone's a music person, of course, but there have been phases of my life when music seemed to take center stage, when I listened to it so often that silence felt rare and sort of strange. When I listened to it so often that I found myself thinking in verse, bridge, chorus. Sometimes I feel that every moment deserves its own song, its own lyrics, and still those memories are backed by their own soundtrack in my mind.


I was 8 and playing Lego on a playdate with my friends and we were talking about going to Disneyland together someday.

The night he texted me for the first time and I went all giddy.

It was midnight, the windows were down and the air was warm. I wore his sweater that smelled like popcorn and couldn't understand why some things ever needed to change.

I sat on a bench looking at the sea, missing old friends. Feeling hopeful. It's the first instrumental song I ever really loved, the one that taught me that words can't say everything. Not even close. 

Best friends, unhealthy snacks, girl-talk, and nothing else mattered.

I nervously drove his car and decided everything would be all right.

Manila, picnics, movies and simple hangouts..the time in my life when I felt most fearless, most daring. I laughed and wrote about it and laughed more and learned what it meant to both love and endure.

From a time when I was both heartbroken and in love, both afraid and elated beyond words.

Road trip and my awesome family.

I was cooking for dinner with friends and he stood there in the kitchen and smiled, saying nothing and everything I needed to hear.

It was crowded and there was smoke clouding the air, smell of BBQ chicken, a scratchy microphone, a small stage, and a band we'd never heard of who made a cover of Paramore's song and it sucked. I watched his easy smile and felt the realization of forever.


Linking experience and emotion to music, it's nothing new, I know. It's common, as natural as anything, but don't you think it's one of the most beautiful habits we have? I find myself collecting songs, in case they'll someday suit a fleeting moment. Silly, maybe. Or maybe not. Do you have a favorite song memory? What is it? ^^





May 13, 2014

Things We Know





"College is not the real world."
We know. We know that college's a unique, safe, bubble-like environment. We know this is a particularly wonderful chapter of our lives where we around people with similar interests, hopes, and ideas. People who stay up with you chatting about absolute nonsense. We know this is not how it'll be after we graduate.

"Graduating and finding a job isn't easy, especially in this economy."
We know. We know this probably more than one would expect. We watch the news, we walk past headlines printed across the paper that read: "Unemployment rates soar." We know we won't immediately land our dream job. We know that you want us to know that. And those few instances when our friends did land their dream jobs, well we know that you mark that up as a mere "fluke." We're aware that times are hard and coming out of college with a degree now deemed "practically useless" is going to be rough. If anyone knows this, believe me, it's us.

"You don't understand what it's like..."
We might not understand, you're right. But at one time or another, you didn't quite know what it's like either. And us, being reminded how much we don't understand, well that doesn't make us suddenly "understand" anymore than before, instead it adds stress. It's as though you're saying: "you don't know, and you never will." Because no matter how much we don't understand, we still have to face it. So please, please, help us know that though we don't understand now, we'll be okay. Because as much as you want to keep us from the possible storms ahead, it's where our boats must venture, no matter how rough it's gonna be.

Things we want you to know:
We know you care and that's why you're telling us these things. We know. But when you constantly tell us these things, it doesn't change anything. Instead, it leaves us feeling as though nothing can be done at this point. Absolutely nothing. We're doomed. But really, it's not, we're not. Far from it. It's gonna be harder than anything we might ever experience. We're gonna have a lot of our dreams crushed and have to alter a lot of paths along the way. But we're gonna be fine. Because we're not the 1st people in the history of the world to face hardships. We're not the first people to embark on unknown territory while so many scoffed and warned. We're not the 1st people to open a door to find a giant brick wall.

But we're so blessed to have the proper tools to break down those walls. Survive these uncertain times. We have advantages those before us didn't. And you're the ones who placed them in our hands, taught us how to use them. And for that, we're beyond grateful.

But you have to let us know that you trust us, you think we can do it. That you support our battle. But most of all, that you're rooting for us because you believe we can. That's all we want you to know. Whoever you are.



May 11, 2014

Mama


Moms are great. 
And we should celebrate them every day of the year. 
Because every day is Mother's Day, when it comes to the person who gave you life. 
You're continually amazed by how much love a mom can have, and how much she gives every day. 
You never forget the sacrifices she made for you. 
And now that you're a little bit older, you understand that even though she could be tough, she only wanted the best for you. 
And all you ever wanted was to make her proud and to make her smile. 
She taught you how to be a good person and that it's the little, everyday gestures that really matter. 
So make sure you're always there for the ones who were there for you from the start. 

Happy Mother's Day. ^^







May 7, 2014

Stick with Someone not Good Enough





Why do you still stick around when you know that he's abusive, manipulative, lying, boring, insensitive and selfish? Why do you still choose him when you don't even love him anymore? You still choose him because he chose you. That makes you feel better about yourself already. Right? But if he's not good enough, he's not the best that you can get, then why still stay? Why don't you break away from him and this relationship already?

Because you think that there's a binary relationship between him and loneliness; it's either him or loneliness. And you think you can't deal with loneliness. Or you don't wanna deal with loneliness. You don't wanna be alone because you don't know what to expect from it. You've been in a relationship for such a long time it feels unusual to not have someone to call or text all the time. It's weird to not have someone in mind to think about to get that fuzzy feeling in your chest. It's boring to not have someone to miss or buy things for when you go shopping. There's no someone to remind you that you're special too.

So to not risk throwing yourself into confusion, you choose to stay with him. And then you make yourself think that he's good enough albeit all his imperfections. That he's the best for you. So you tolerate all the little things in the relationship. You try to accept his flaws. You try to accept how he never makes you feel completely safe, you then think that you're the one going crazy, you're the one being insecure about things. You try to accept the lack of trust in the relationship, you think you two need to let time heal the wounds.

You become okay with knowing that he's not 100% in the game. That he's not as committed, passionate or forthcoming as before. That he thinks about things but doesn't really share them with you. You're unhappy because you feel jealous. You feel that many other things seem to be taking him away from you. The only time you feel secure is when you sit down with him and look him straight in the eyes, and know that he's there. That he's also looking back, at you and only you. That moment's perfect. That moment's what you think you only need. There and then, you know that he's yours. But those moments never last. When he's gone from your side, you begin to go through those images in your head and sieve out the ones you doubt. And you start to question: Why's he not texting me? Is he really so busy at work? When's the last time he said "I love you" to me? Why's he not asking about how's my day so far? 

Obviously, that moment's not enough. It's not all that you need. And so you help him with excuses. Because you rather face his hot-and-cold temperament, his inconsistency in things, his lack of initiative, and his lack of pride in you, than to face loneliness. You help him with excuses to feel better about it all. You tell yourself he loves you. You shouldn't have to. You tell yourself you're the most important thing in his life. He should be telling you this himself. Now and then, now and then.

You choose a love that's "not that bad" because of its consistency. But consistency can be a bad thing too, it means that things will never change. You expect him to change. But the truth is, he will never change for you. But at least it's better than loneliness, huh? Decide now. 








Just because someone desires you, does not mean that they value you.
Read it over.
Again.
Let those words resonate in your mind.




May 2, 2014

Like a Crescendo







Had a picnic at the beach with my friends yesterday on Labor Day. It's a simple picnic; KFC combo, mats, ukulele, volley ball, frisbee and  music. Simple yet sweet. :)

For whatever reason, I've always found the most clarity either while I'm at the beach or while I'm with my loved ones. Maybe it's something about the inevitable stillness in those situations, or maybe it's because they sometimes feel like movie moments. Like they deserve a soundtrack with indie songs and some kind of giant, fill-your-heart crescendo (found this phrase in a book I was reading..lol).

Either way, just a day at the beach and it became very clear: Life is good. 
(despite the fact that I'm having a flu now, life's still good)
So how's your day? ^^




 

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