April 11, 2015

Missing You

They talk about missing people as if it's something they only feel, like the scratching and melting of pulling on old sweater. But it's less like only feeling and more like living with an ache that becomes as much a part of you as your fingers or how your eyes disappear when you laugh or the freckles that find your face on a sunny day.

With features, you can pinpoint each one, and so it is with missing. Wednesday morning and I'm missing you, Thursday afternoon and I'm missing you, Friday all day and I'm still missing you. You carry the culmination of the moments, in small and simple ways, and in the end it didn't matter if they were good or bad, just that they were and for once, that was enough.

Characterized by when: when he made jokes and you laughed, when your favorite smell of was lavender and grass, when you listened to the same album hundred times and swore you'd never get tired of it. Marked by how: you picked seashells while the sun set, he drove to a sleepy town with you and listen to Coldplay, you wore his sweatshirt smelling like rain. And more often than not, it's by what it's missing: your favorite sushi, voice at the end of the line, someone to understand your movie references, a way to say I love you without any words.

I'm missing you so badly.

April 5, 2015

It's Okay to be Messy

I'm guilty of wearing masks. Specifically, the lovely, I've got it all figured out.

It's easier to slap on a smile, put up a pretty photo, write a few words, and be done. Easy to blog a session or write about what's good, instead of what's hard. Easy to put on a face and skim the surface instead of being real and honest and raw. Easy to make it seem like my life's less than messy, more like a picture perfect magazine rather than being filled with grittiness and real things like staying up too late working and getting behind on deadlines and being insecure.

I want to be honest and real. I don't want to appear like I have it all together or because I'm doing so and so, I'm somehow "better" or "cooler" or "more professional." or I've somehow reached "that point" (whatever it is, it doesn't really exist), where I've got it all figured out. Because that's so far from the truth. :)

So. Here's the truth...

I still get nervous before every session.
I care too much what people think and struggle with my identity.
I fear I don't measure up.
I focus on my fears instead of resting in God's truth and promises.
I get stuck between pushing myself and being proud of myself.
I have trouble believing in myself.
I feel like I'm faking it and won't ever make it.
I struggle with punctuality and diligence every single day.

But there's grace in the midst of those real things. And I don't have it all together. Not by a long shot. But I'm learning. I'm growing. I'm learning to let go of my perfectionism and to be confident in the gifts I've been given and use them to the best of my abilities...that doesn't mean I get a free pass to beat myself up if I "mess up" or don't meet my own expectations. There's a difference between pushing ourselves to be better and ignoring the strengths and gifts we do have, because we fear we don't measure up.

And I fear I don't measure up all the time. Because of my age. Because of where I'm at. Because I can't drive yet. Because I don't have ____ or ____(whatever it may be). Because I did or didn't receive this many comments (yes, even silly things like that). Because I'm not a permanent teacher. Because I don't work out everyday or eat totally green and on and on.

But none of that matters. That's not where my identity lies. I can find joy and I can find who I am in the things of this world or I can embrace who I am in this beautifully messy life I've been given.

Here's the deal. It's easy to reach a certain point and think that we've got it made. Whatever it is..that we'll be good. That all our insecurities and fears will go away and somehow we'll live in this overwhelming confidence. And those things are not necessarily bad..in fact, they can be really good! But when we start basing our identity in where we're at instead of who we are, then we lose the heart behind what we do and who we truly are.

I struggle with my identity. I get nervous around other teachers and students, bloggers, and well, sometimes just people in general. I'm afraid that I don't measure up. I worry about whether people will like me and I put too much stock in what other people's opinions of me are, instead of being confident in who I am. And it's an everyday choice for me to focus not on what the world says, but what God says. That I don't have it all together and that's okay. I don't have to be perfect. It's okay to be messy.


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