July 16, 2018

Two Amazing Years

9 years & 7 months since i met him, 2 years since i married him. Two years & ever since, the ground beneath my feet has felt just a bit more solid. With him, i feel steadied.

I've had good days & tough days & a few damn-near-perfect days since we took the oath but every night when i crawl into bed, i feel anchored to something, & to someone. I'm most grateful for that because really, it's that sense of balance that lets me be bolder than i really am.

ClichΓ©, true, as always..how much & how little has changed.

My hair's gotten darker, his flecked with grays. We moved from a house to an apartment, from our early-20s to late, but still there are nights & days & moments that make us feel like we're just pretending to be adults, like we're just moving through the motions.

I read once that a part of you will always hold on to the age someone was when you first met them, & i get it. I really do. He gave up graphic tees for tailored shirts, thicker beard to look wiser, but still, sometimes i glance over as he fastens his watch, grabs his wallet, & he's still twenty. Sometimes he's still my boyfriend.

Now with Qayla jumping on the bandwagon, every second is even more special. We've lived what feels like a lifetime in two short years. I keep a list of my favorite moments with my little family in the back of my mind & i mentally tick them off as they happen. This one's list-worthy, i'll think. Maybe even top ten.

That's what I thought a couple of nights ago, an ordinary night, during that short in-between time when our baby's sleeping safe & sound but we're still wide awake. I was sad for some reasons & i poured my heart out to him. He didn't try to fix anything but he gave me pieces of advice & said, "you're perfect enough & i'm grateful," & i knew he meant it.


Two years & counting, i'm forever head over heels. Alhamdulillah ❤ 

June 30, 2018

Little Thing

It was fine saturday morning & no laundry today so i wanted to stay in bed longer but Qayla woke up SO early which was SO unlike her coz she usually wakes up at 9am like come on baby it's Saturday uggh & hubby's suddenly craving for Maggi curry with egg but i planned to make pancakes this morning but we only had 1 egg left so i cooked Maggi for him anyway with that 1 last egg & at the same time made Qayla's breakfast & preheated her bath & had a me time for 10 seconds by drinking honey then hubby complained about his curry noodles for having too little sauce which was his fault coz he let it cool for too long & i had to explain about the science of water absorption & he took picture of his bowl & put it on IGstory lol & we had a little more fight about the splattered oil & greasy stove & he blamed me for not using the right pan then i blamed him back for not buying a new pan & not cleaning the wall & stove regularly & then Qayla made a funny sound & danced in the bath tub & we laughed. Now i'm sleepy but gotta pack for balik kampung & get ready for a open house at cousin's house which i'm so excited about bcoz im hungry but Qayla's taking a nap & gotta wait til she wakes up 2 hours later huhuhu & here i am rambling about my ordinary life with my little family, all the charms & flaws, & those are the things that make us complete & happy ❤ Alhamdulillah..

June 28, 2018

Perfect Time?

I remember long ago someone asked me these questions: Do u believe that love comes at the perfect time? What if it's not the perfect time for u? Do u continue with it anyway, or do u close off your heart to focus on the things u want to do?

I went through a painful, unexpected breakup that left me heartbroken, shocked, crestfallen & something that felt an awful lot like angry, although i couldn't name it at the time. There was grief, i felt paralyzed by the realization of an ending & loss. As i sunk into love's absence, the last thing i wanted was to find it again. And then, of course, i met someone.

I recognized him as if we'd known each other for years, as if i was returning to him or to myself or maybe both. Things felt easy & airy between us, & i told myself that there might just be something incredible here. There was, & he did everything he could to help it along & show love. He was certain. I was, too. And yet. Fear, it turns out, can be devastating. Fear & possibility can force you to turn away from the right path in favor of something easier, something that's more familiar, even if it's something that leaves you feeling hopeless.

There's a time i pushed him away, & he held on until he didn't. Because that's how it goes, isn't it? We turn someone away, beg them to let go, & then the moment they do, we're struck with the sudden awareness of what we'd always known: Love. Or faith. Or maybe both. I thought it wasn't the perfect time for us. Truth is, it never has been. Again & again we've wrestled between dreams only to realize that being together means being okay with the fact that things won't always be easy. When are things ever really easy anyway? We've been together now though & hey, there's a baby on board. ❤

There were other questions: Do you believe that you have to be happy with yourself before you get involved with someone? Or do you believe that maybe you don't have to have it all figured out, that maybe this person has entered your life to help you? 

Yes, of course. And yes. I believe both of those things, neither feels less true than the other. I think you need to be happy enough with yourself to let someone else help you. And i think it's the opening up, the welcoming in of love, ease & trust, that leads you to look back & feel like the timing was perfect. Even when it wasn't.

May 19, 2018

2 Cents by a Stay-At-Home Mom

“So…what did you even do all day?"

Raise your hand if you've been asked this question as a stay-at-home mother. Now use it to slap whomever asked it. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

I was once insulted for being a stay-at-home mom. They said i'm stupid & narrow-minded for not having a job, crammed at home & not seeing anyone. It's painful, i wanted to shout at them, shove soiled diapers into their mouth & kick them hard. But i'm better than that. Clearly people who said those things haven't even got a kid, haven't even got nothing but their so-called dream job while wasting money on worldly stuff.

Alhamdulillah, life's been wonderful with my beloved husband and daughter. Many things have changed in a better way since we moved here. For the past 3 years i was doomed for being unemployed & didn't get why life treated me that way. But when Qayla came, i found the answers. Hubby already made it clear from the start that i don't have to sweat about not getting a job & convinced me that home is the best place for me.  As always, he's right.

Now i'm glad to be a stay-at-home mom. Because life is short & i wanna spend the rest of time raising my child, i'm lucky to be the 1st person to witness Qayla's milestones & achievement. I truly believe that rezeki comes in many forms, a child is one of them & they lead us to many good fortunes in life. As Qayla's getting good at many things now, i have some extra times to do more different things. So i've started a little online business of selling scarves & clothes since March, annnnd alhamdulillah, sales are great, enough to buy Qayla's favorite veggies. 😊

But that doesn't make me feel any less prouder of working mothers out there. I salute u, mommies. Even staying at home makes me feel exhausted to juggle everything, then it must be tougher to do it as a working mom. Whatever the risks, whatever it takes to feed & to buy some decent clothes for our babies, right?

Ignore those who say bad things about how we raise our kids. Sometimes they just say it without having knowledge or slightest idea of what it's like to be us, & sometimes i think they've just ran out of onions. You know what i mean. As long as it brings no harm, let's keep doing what's best for our kids. ❤❤

April 10, 2018

Going Strong

Assalamualaikum & hello everyone!

Alhamdulillah, it's been a year & Qayla still nurses on breastmilk..she rejects any formula & depends on me but i'm not worried much coz she's eating a good amount of food & she nurses 5 times a day & gets up 2 times at night for feedings. She's got plenty. And i'm not ready to wean yet, i plan to continue until she's 2 or 4..insyaAllah.

My breastfeeding journey is not all rainbows & roses, the older my baby is, the tougher it gets sometimes. She has 4 teeth now, so what do u expect? πŸ˜‚ And she refuses nursing in public so i have to find a cubicle or go to car. But that's a just a bump in the road, the rest is wonderful. It makes me feel like a superhero coz breastmilk is a natural painkiller & soother. Plus it burns my calories no matter how much i eat.

For new mommies out there, don't give up on breastfeeding, but those who really can't, it's okay then, don't push yourself. Either way doesn't make u less a mother. I'd love to share some tips to extend breastfeeding:

1. Reduce coffee intake..give up on coffee is much better
2. Avoid stress
3. Never eat cabbage
4. Get support from your husband
5. Eat some boosters: dates, prunes, grapes, goat's milk, papaya, etc
6. Keep hydrated

❤❤❤

 

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