Gift of the Past

Some experiences felt like failures & rejections, which i'm categorizing them as heartbreaks. There was a very low period for me, & if i were to draw a graph of my life those would be the troughs. But they’ve all taught me so much & i'm able to look back. I'm not at the top of the hill like others, but i think i'm part way up the hill, looking down at the past of my life. I can see these areas of scorched earth in my past & i can see what they mean, how i carry them with me, but also how i’ve escaped them & conquered them in a way.

Hubby & i talked about our past, the decisions we made, the paths we chose & possibilities of different ones. But we've come to conclusion that everything's meant to happen for reasons bcoz Allah is the best of planners after all. The things that we went through led us to where we are today & for that we don't regret, but feel grateful. We wouldn't have it any other way. All those heartbreaks & mistakes are part of your life, so embrace & learn from them, bcoz somehow someday, instead of feeling remorse, u're gonna thank God for them.

Evolving Friendship

As we move through different life chapters, there's a question: how do we hold on to friendships when life keeps shifting?

It's hard to watch friendships change. Things were a little less complicated back in school. Before u're in your 20s, most friendships tend to be fairly straightforward. Your friends are usually in the same place, moving along the same path.

And then the "real world" hits. Suddenly there are forks in the road, friends stopping off at different intersections as u keep going. People move to new cities, find new jobs, meet new people. There are weddings & babies & more new cities & jobs. Everyone's busy trying on identities & circumstances are changing all the time. Friendships no longer move along the same orbit as entire universes turn upside down.

It's jarring. It rattled me when i realized that the magic of your world expanding as u grow up means that it becomes too big for certain things to stay the same. That's obvious, maybe, but it can be hard to accept when u actually face it. Another lesson? It's impossible to hold on to every person just as closely as u always did.

I don't really know what i expected. When u're younger, it's easy to imagine all the possibilities - to dream up all the versions of u waiting at the end of the path & hope the pieces of your life will carry through no matter what choices u make. It's not quite as easy to be in the middle of the journey, waving to friends as they choose different paths, everyone walking further down forks in the road. It's harder still to wonder if u'll lose your way or if u'll end up losing some of them along the way.

I once read about the joy of seeing friends do their thing, whatever that may be, & how it is to communicate. It's on both parties to figure out ways to help a friendship evolve. In the past years i've been on both sides of the equation. I've watched as everyone took giant turns in their lives, & i've been the friend with a new place, a marriage, a daughter. I also worried about what i might lose. Some of it is up to chance, but some of it isn't.

U have a hand in the places & people u choose to hold on to, & the thrill of everyone moving in different directions is that u all become better. I wish I could go back and tell my 16-year-old self that, your friendships will change in the coming years & some may fade a bit, but u'll be happier when the chips fall.

Sometimes u'll marvel at how much richer life feels when everyone has room to become themselves. The space between u & a person can go in & out like a tide & be just as steady as the waves. Just as certain. Pick your people & watch how exciting it can be when your shared world is shaken up, the pieces all scattered about, & u're all laughing at the wonderful inevitability of where u've landed. U may be facing different directions, but of course, u're still standing side by side.

Love Mantra

The secret to a long & happy marriage is not the idea that nothing bad is ever gonna happen. But it’s that when something bad happens, u know how to get through it together. One of the most important things is that when u’re having an argument, instead of ratcheting up the emotion, u diffuse it. In the middle of a fight, say, “i love u, u’re the most important person in the world to me,” even if at that moment, those words are the hardest ones to choke out because u’re so mad. It reminds u both of the big picture. It doesn’t make it instantly better, but it takes it down a notch. And in the cool-down period afterward, u’re not left questioning. U know everything is gonna be okay. Half an hour after the fight, it’s over & u feel good. And remember, never go to bed without forgiving each other. ❤

Being On and Off

Everybody has a go-to time of day. We all have a chunk of time when we'll be our best selves. For me, it's those early hours when the world is waking up & i'm running on a perfect morning cocktail: caffeine & a sense of possibility.

We can't be "on" all the time, especially when it comes to being creative or productive. I've come to accept that i have productive peaks & valleys in my day, but even beyond that, i've learned i have a reserve of just how much me there is to give.

I remember a time in high school when i was having bratty moment, probably after a fight, i told someone, "i can't be perfect all the time, so i just have to let this out right now, okay?" Well it was just me justifying my teenage behavior, but it struck her that day. I wish she knew that as a 16-year-old girl i was just trying to figure myself out, i needed a space where i could be off. I was pushing myself to be "on" for more hours than i could really handle, & at some point, something had to give.

U can't help it sometimes. U're your best self at work or at a party or wherever, & then u get home & find yourself fully shutting down in the moments u spend with the people u love most. That's fine every once in a while, & there's something about comfort of "shutting down" together (hey, Netflix & bubble tea!). U have to be aware of that tendency though & sometimes u just have to say it aloud: "don't mind me, just gotta shut down for a few."

That's been an ongoing lesson for me. My time has never been spread thinner than it is now, & for the sake of my roles & relationships..marriage, friendships, & parenthood. I've tried to become more conscious about when i need to be on, when i can turn off, & where my priorities really lie. U know yourself. U know what u gotta give, & the best time to give it. The tricky part is actually listening to yourself.

Anticipating Change

It can be pretty overwhelming when u know that a massive life change lies just ahead of u. We face small shifts all the time, sometimes with notice but usually with none. And then there are the really big changes u can count on. And plan for. And worry about. They’re decisions, or inevitabilities, like leaving a job or graduating or moving to a new house, dates that u’re sure will divide your life into a before & after of some kind. 

The 1st time i remember coming up against change in a really big way is when i went to college. As someone who’d never left hometown & always had the same friends, i understood that moving across the sea for that chapter of my life would be the ultimate change of course. That’s why i’d chosen to do it, after all. I knew that if i didn’t make that kind of move then, i likely never would. Still, even when u’re sure of something, it’s jarring to just sit there anticipating it. 

Those days, weeks, & months leading up to a big day, a gray-area of time just to get u from here to there. But the finality of those days carry so much weight. The last of this! The last of that! The pressure to enjoy those moments, soak them up, reflect on them while bracing for the loss...it’s a lot.

Never did i feel that more than with my pregnancy 2 years ago. Talk about one hell of an anticipated before & after, right? Knowing when my life would change completely, that sort of rocked me. I leaned into those in-between days, doing everything i could to appreciate my “last days” without a baby while also planning for what's coming.

I read so many articles. I created spreadsheets. The lists, u guys! I think about all those lists & shudder. In the months before my due date, i gathered advice from anyone & everyone, studying for motherhood like it's a test i’d either pass or fail. I wanted to be ready & at some level, there's comfort in feeling like i’d put as many ducks in a row as i could. But the pressure to do that while also basking in the glow of those final days? Way too much. I couldn’t do both, at least not to the extent i’d been forcing myself to do them. I had to ease up.

The good news is that i think i learned my lesson. I hope for the next baby there'll be only one list & one spreadsheet. I'll do my best not to map out every possible scenario before the chips even have a chance to fall. I’ll do my best to sit back, slip into the moment, & do what feels right.

Bonus: occasionally, the most ordinary day will still surprise u. 

On The Good & The Bad Gratitude

It's easy to call a day good or bad based on any one thing. A single moment can skew hindsight. The pendulum can swing back & forth from hour to hour, or even hang pretty steadily in between, but inevitably there will be a pocket of time that stands out, pulling your perspective one way or the other.

"Have a good day!" 

And that's what really got me thinking, bcoz if one thing about a toddler's day is true, it's that there are a whole bunch of good moments & not-so-good moments slammed up against each other, seemingly at random. 5 joyful minutes here, 30 angry seconds there. Inevitably, a tantrum of sorts. There'll be a half hour of contentment interrupted by regular, brief moments of impatience. No matter what, each day is an emotional roller coaster, some smoother than others, but it's never all one thing. It might be mostly good, but not all. Occasionally tough, but not consistently. 

There's consolation, & sometimes grief, in recognizing that each moment is temporary. 

That's true for life with a toddler, but true for the rest of us, too. I've purposely been trying to look at my days more like a series of moments...which can be harder for us as adults because we make such an effort to ignore (or avoid) the parts of the ride that feel bumpy. We try to soften the day's edges, make the highs & lows look & feel more subtle. In trying to smooth out the wrinkles, though, something is lost.

Life is meant to be nuanced, complex, unpredictable. We're meant to revel in the ups & brace our way through the downs, & it's okay if any one day is both good & bad, fun & hard, fulfilling & heartbreaking. It's okay, too, if at the end of some days, you let yourself feel the weight of one moment more than the others. Sink into that if you need to. In your mind, call the day good. Sometimes, call it bad. Acknowledge the gratitude in both.