A Bid for Connection

Recently i read an article by some psychologists about this small moment called ‘a bid for connection’. 

They found the way in which we respond to these bids can determine whether a relationship lasts. If u notice & turn towards your partner around 86% of the time, u're building on your connection, trust & intimacy. But if u turn away & only respond to them around 33% of the time, u're inviting distance into your relationship.

U'll probably find these bids for connection in your relationships every day. Your partner might ask u to look out the window at a bird, or try to start a conversation about an article they’ve read & loved. They might begin to tell u a story about a colleague at work while u're uploading a photo to ig, or replying to a friend's whatsapp. It wasn’t until i started reading the article that i understood how, if they're ignored, these small bids can stack up into bigger resentments.

I remember when i was pregnant, at my parents', hubby called to me to look at something outside. It was early evening. I was on the sofa, heavily pregnant, which meant hoisting myself off the sofa would be a big effort. I would've stayed inside on the sofa, sweating and scrolling online, using my swollen body as an excuse not to go out into the garden. Instead i waddled outside & there it was, what he wanted to share with me: a colorful rainbow at sunset in a pink sky. 

How my mood could flip like a coin. We stared up, talked & in that moment, we were teenagers with no responsibilities, not 2 adults getting ready to bring another person into the world. I thought about how much i'd miss moments like these, just the 2 of us, but how ready we were to share them too. To add 'parents' to the many different selves we encountered in each other. Perhaps when sleep-deprivation threatened to pry us apart i'd remember this feeling & try to find a way to be teenagers together again (i did but things have been so much better when Qayla's around). 

I could've missed this, i thought. And for what? Another 10 minutes scrolling through twitter. It’s frightening how carelessly & unknowingly we cut ourselves off from these small, shining fragments of life. I'm sharing this just as a reminder to notice these bids for connection from the people u love & then to turn towards them. They might seem small. U might be busy. But perhaps, if u pay attention, a tiny moment will open up into an opportunity for love that u'll be glad u didn't miss. 

Bend & Break

Recently i read a piece from book & i found these lines: 

"the best friendships bend, which is why they don’t break. The trickiest part is just before the bending bit, when u have to adjust to each other’s different lives & choices".

As we grow older & roll with chaos, one day we'll start to feel the need to formalize friendships in a way that we didn’t before. Like, there are friends we need to speak to once week, friends we need to keep in touch with once a month, friends we need to text every couple of days - & it has to be like an appointment, like clocking in, otherwise things can fall apart. There's a charade of connectivity online, but i know that we need more than that from friends & we're prepared to invest more than that too.

Friendships do go through phases & cycles & orbits. Sometimes friendships do end, like all other relationships, & i’ve become more accepting of that too. I’ve had that with a few friendships over the past 10 years, & i've managed to repair them. How? 

Well, with forgiveness. By saying ‘sorry’ & accepting that u’re different people & u don't have to be similar in order to be great friends. By learning to love the differences in each other & in yourself. Also, u can only forgive when u know your boundaries. Establishing my boundaries & what i will & won’t accept, in terms of behavior, from other people & myself, is something that i know now.