On Giving your Mind some Space

A few weeks ago, as i folded laundry, i had a very clear thought: i need to give my brain a little breathing room. I'd been busy sorting socks & thinking how oddly comforting it can be to do something so mindless, as if my brain sighs & sits back for a moment while i build a pile of clothes. I knew i needed more of that. 

I'd already been working on it, that whole breathing-room thing. A couple months back i decided to ease up on some of the inevitable pre-sleep scrolling, trading social media for a bedtime book routine. It felt nostalgic somehow to get lost in a chapter, telling myself "2 more pages! Fine, 5 more pages!" How refreshing to let my mind focus on one story & not 46 different photos & memes & ideas, u know.

I wanted to be more mindful throughout the day, too, but what does that even look like? I'm not a person who meditates. I don't do yoga regularly. My free minutes are few, so i came to terms with it: i just didn't have room for breathing room.

And then, of course, the joke was on me, bcoz fast forward a couple days when Qayla's sleeping in bedroom & the wifi stopped working while my mobile data was also dead. I can't turn on netflix, spotify, can't open any socmeds, &...silence. Nothing. I started to feel a little desperate. I tried to sleep but can't. More silence. I'm almost embarrassed to admit how temporarily panicked i felt. 

Well i'm not alone, so i've come to deeply appreciate that stretch of time that's just mine to spend however i choose. It's a simple joy to start my day with radio channel i love. What a thrill when i can sing along to something other than nursery rhymes. 

Silence? Well, the silence just felt stressful. Jarring, even. But sometimes i realize that the silence doesn't feel suffocating, it felt freeing. Like one big exhale. I hadn't realized how much of my day involved the company of something. Not necessarily another person, but always something: a song, a conversation, a tv show, an ebook, a scroll through socmed. I hadn't been leaving much space for, well, space.  

No, this definitely isn't a story about me becoming the queen of mindfulness. No way. I did rediscover & retrace the best way back to myself, though, & i learned that silence carries a joy of its own. I was right: my brain needed a little breathing room, & it probably will again soon. What's nice is to know that it doesn't have to be all or nothing. I don't have to choose between sound or silence, chaos or focus. I just have to let myself be.

2020

Over the past few weeks, there's been what feels like an endless stream of memes & threads about turning the corner into 2020. We've been asked to look back & remember, to compare, to dream forward. We've been asked to ask ourselves questions. So. Many. Questions!

Where were u at the start of the decade? Where are u now? What have u done? What do u wish u'd done? What's changed? How have u changed? What will u do differently in the next year? The next 10 years? What are your hopes, wishes, dreams?
Like i said: Everyone's asking themselves the important questions.

If im being totally honest, i've become pretty exhausted by the whole thing. Don't get me wrong: i love fresh starts & empty planners as much as anyone, but it's all been..a lot.

In Decembers past, i used to go all-in & write pages of lists on new year's eve. I set so many goals, both realistic & not. Im nixing the lists this time. Instead, im rooting myself in another belief: that today's hopes might not be the same as tomorrow's. Everything is shifting all the time & u're allowed to do the same.

If the last decade have taught me anything, it's that your best bet is to keep it simple: Come up with clear intentions for yourself & then do everything u can do to live by them. Sometimes that's easy, & most of the time it's not, but it helps to feel as if u've set out a path for yourself, even if u're knocked sideways & have to find your way back. It helps to know u have something to return to.

I have a handful of thoughts im holding on to lately, & one of them is to embrace more stillness. Here's to the 2020. Here's to living by our best intentions & giving ourselves the space & grace to let them grow & change as often as they need to.