stand by somebody

when you're young you're wrapped up in your own life. you're moving, getting married, struggling to figure out what you wanna do. you think you have all the time in the world. then as you get older you start to realize that you don't have all that time, & you wanna pay attention to the people who are important to you.

idk if i ever be a negligent friend or show up enough, bcoz i used to feel like there's still so much time. when friendship's falling apart, i'd think, oh well, people change, things fall apart. but now i think, no, i don't wanna let this fall apart. but i often don't know how to not let that happen. 

friendship can be loose especially when we live in different places, we don't see each other, life's not in balance, & it makes things hard. we may hurt others' feelings without knowing it. there'll be times where we're closer & times when we're more distant. 

some people are nothing but happy for you & you should feel very lucky. it's the ones you got out of the gate with that can be difficult, where you wanted the same thing & you put in the same hours at the same time, side by side, & then one of you goes a little further. like, they have things that you don't have; things in your life they don't have. nothing lines up evenly & that's okay. there's hard time, & some friendships got lost. but the people you make it thru with, you're really happy for each other.

sticking around should come naturally. do you remember when you're 18 you'd say, "my friends are my family; who call me 1st on my birthday, who i go on vacation with, who i'm gonna give my favourite sweater to". i think that's youth for a lot of people. you've got time & energy, it's dramatic & romantic to stand by somebody who's in trouble. it's just not a question. but the interesting question is, at 40, would you do it? bcoz what i learned is you can't save anybody. you couldn't change people's destiny, but you can bear witness. you can be there & sit with them. so are you gonna stand by somebody no matter what?

A Little Life

oh man where to begin. i give it 5/5 for its undeniably beautiful writting, but did i enjoy it? idk. would i recommend it? yes. but please check the trigger warnings like seriously & read it only when you're ready to be emotionally damaged, physically sick, & mentally exhausted. i ain't saying that it ain't good. it's so good yet so disturbing & painful. i'm still searching for the right word to sum up my feelings for it & tbh part of me wishes i could unread it & erase it from my memory.

the process of reading it was one of the hardest things i've ever done in my life & i never felt this way for a fiction before. it put me in terrible mood for days. some chapters made me extremely uncomfortable. even thinking about it now still makes me wanna throw up. i felt so sad, depressed & angry. there's too much sufferings that when something good finally happens, i cried! i got this strong urge to ask the author: did you write this based on your life experience? are you a sadist? or were you just out of your mind?! 

instead of 3 months as per target (hell, it's thiccc: 944 pages? what?), i finished it in a month coz it's too intense, too absorbing, so i rushed to the end coz i couldn't bear it anymore. i had to scroll memes & watch Man vs Bee after finishing this book coz i needed to reset my mind with something funny. despite all that, the tragedy in this book deserves to be heard as it does happen in real life. extreme lives exist but not all those who are sexually abused have voices or financial support to find their path. & therefore extreme lives should be present in literature.

 

Adulting is Hard

i had a wisdom tooth growing in on the bottom jaw recently & the swollen gum was pressured by the upper wisdom tooth i never bothered to have taken out, not bcoz i hate dentists, but i'm awful at making appointments. when i say tomorrow, it means next week or next month, then it becomes next year. you can live with these bad habits until they creep up on you all at once. the tooth wasn't an issue until it suddenly was a problem.

& it's a big problem. it had been hurting all day, throbbing all the way to my throat, my ear & my head. thanks to my pharmacist friend for suggesting celecoxib, i didn't feel pain for 12 hours. 

at least it's not cavities huh. i gotta give myself a credit for that. i mean, as adults, we should know how to take care of our teeth. i do know how to take care of my teeth & i'm good at it. i brush & floss everyday, drink enough water, never go to bed with food still stuck to your back molars. steal a swig of mouthwash & at least floss if you're really in a bind. & yet this kinda thing happens. good thing there's space enough in my mouth & it never crowded my teeth. i know i still have to take it out eventually. please, Aemy. no more delays, no more excuses. stop watching the tooth extraction video coz it only makes you fear the dentists. 

well. adulthood, i've learned, is mostly realizing exactly how stupid you can be sometimes. adulthood is owning up to it & trying to do better next time. it's being stupid again & learning some more, until you die. of course obody ever tells you that. they're too busy learning to pass on the knowledge.

besides, you probably wouldn't listen anyway. knowing how to be wiser doesn't seem all that appealing when you’re young. it creeps up on you. your stupidity isnit a problem until it is. & then, wisdom, hopefully, starts kicking in. 

btw, i don't feel pain anymore. my gum's fine & the swelling subsided somehow. it just feels weird to have an extra tooth. my tongue can't seem to stop reaching it & licking it. lol. 

Once There Were Wolves

 

Inti Flynn is a biologist who moves to Scotland with her depressive twin sister after a traumatic incident. boldly eco-conscious to the point of stubbornness, Inti leads a rewilding project that aims to reintroduce wolves to the forest in order to restore biodiversity. despite her noble intentions, she faces resistance from local farmers & townspeople, who fear that the wolves may pose threats. when someone turns up dead, Inti struggles to prove that it's not the wolves, even tho the alternative seems much worse. 

i must say that it's a sonnet to the nature, with special focus on the environment, climate change & ecological regeneration. it also touches upon some important issues like domestic violence & toxic relationship. this novel is fierce & powerful. it scalds with fury but soothes with empathy. & without doubt it's one of the best. 

it reminds me so much of Lone Wolf, a novel by Jodi Picoult i read long time ago. wolves have always got a strange place in human consciousness. inspiring both awe & terror, they're widely mythologized & yet little understood by humans who hunt them. the author takes them as a central metaphor to portray love & pain. i can guarantee that you'd look at the world a little differently after reading this.