New Year without Resolution

Nope, no new year's resolution for me. Because my new year's resolutions never make it to the next year. Somehow excuses, stress or sidetracks always get in the way. Don't get me wrong, I'm the biggest advocate for personal growth and accomplishing goals. But for me, new year's resolutions don't always work that way.

My resolution is days. Days full of meaning. Especially because I love nothing more than writing up a to-do list for the things I need to accomplish that day (and I'm usually successful at completing my lists).  I started this because it's important for me to start right when I was extremely motivated. While loving the idea of bringing on the new year with a personal goal in mind, I also love the idea of bettering yourself at any given moment of every single day.

Last year I was told that the way you spend your new year is the way you'll spend your year. True or not, I liked how it sounded. So this year, I make sure my new year's perfect. I'm gonna spend it with the people I love. Laughing, away from my phone, cooking and eating together, being grateful, and having fun.

One of my worst personal qualities was my problem with focusing on the final destination rather than the journey. I typically got stressed out over life's trivial details and took it all too seriously. And at the end of the day, month, year, etc..my usual regret was that I worried much. But not this year, and especially not this new year's eve.

Hello 2014, I'm glad you're here.
Happy New Year!!!

Be Biased for Once

Although I spend an absurd amount of time thinking, planning and considering new year's resolutions, I don't necessarily believe in them. I mean I don't think you have to wait until January 1st to start, or that you need to wait until a specific holiday season to begin reflecting about the changes and improvements you'd like to make. I believe there's no time like the present, and that the best time to start is always now. However, I also like what January 1st has become to people. A night of celebrating life and surrounding yourself with the people you love. I like the newness that surrounds midnight, the feeling that you get to start over, or try again. And I especially like the promise that it holds.

What a difference one minute can make. But really, couldn't the same be said for every day? New years are wonderful, but so are new days. I'm sure I say this enough, but each day is a celebration. A new start. Another change to get it right. Every day can be filled with the same motivation to conquer your goals and with the same high expectations you set for yourself  at 12:01 am.

Whether we set your goals for the year or focus on one day at a time, I hope we choose to use every day as an opportunity to be better. To do what we've always hoped and to work on being that person we said we'd become. Real progress takes work, that short term sacrifices will likely result in long term gains. We're worth the time, effort and commitment. I can never come up with one single resolution, I need more time and more thought. But in the meantime, I've been referring to this list that I got from somewhere in Tumblr and I'd like to share with you. :)

When you're sad:

1. Write letters to the people you love. Don't seal them, don't send them. Instead, stick them between the pages of library books.

2. Venture outside and observe natural life. Watch a honey bee suck the nectar from flowers. Watch a snail slowly make its way towards the shade of a tree. Watch a bird innocently fly around the sky. Realize how insignificant you are.

3. Smile at strangers, say hello. It'll improve their day and your own.

4. Write lists. They can be about anything.

5. Read several pages of the dictionary. Learn new words. Write down the ones you wish to remember.

6. Never feel compelled to apologize when you don't feel sorry. It's okay that you're honest. It's okay that you have a different opinion from someone else.

7.  Read books and watch movies from your childhood. A healthy dose of nostalgia is okay. Immerse yourself in your past innocence. 

8. Walk to a park and get on a swing. Go as high as you can, feel limitless. The world is yours.

9. Eat if you're hungry. Food is not the enemy. You're a human and need food to survive. You deserve to eat.

10. Don't marinate in your sadness. You're not a steak. You're a person, you're irreplaceable. Open yourself up to contentment. Bathe in the rivers of glee. Go for hikes with satisfaction. Sleep in a warm cocoon of blankets with bliss. Let endless happiness overcome your hopeless sadness. You deserve to be happy. If life's a game and you're the referee, be biased for once and let happiness win.

Jingle Bell Rock

So how did we celebrate our 5th anniversary? Dinner at a romantic restaurant, stroll on the beach, movies.....nahh, those are typical. We did what we love to, we're just hanging out in bookshop (I just got myself John Green's Paper Towns ^^), having lunch at mamak stall and talking for hours. All those happened in the place where we had our 1st date and declared to be a couple. :p

Well it's not one-day celebration, and sometimes an anniversary isn't necessarily meant to be celebrated by 2 people. Being together for 5 years have brought us to get closer with everyone else, especially our friends, because most of our sweet moments were involving them and we wanted to share this happiness. So we cooked some simple meals, baked a cake and had dinner together at Ifo's house. Then we had karaoke til midnight while eating the cake we baked. It's really a fun night. Not to brag, but as I love cooking, I was glad to cook my recipe for my loved ones and they liked it. As the saying goes "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach", well honestly I kinda put that into practice to impress my man. Heeee... :D

On 25th, we went to Tuaran to meet Ifo's Dusun relatives as they had a little feast for Ifo's grandparents to celebrate christmas. And at night, we're invited to a christmas party at Ifo's cousins' house, and one of the cousin is Nelly's (my best friend) husband-to-be. ^^ What a small world, everyone can be related. It was a great party with beautiful decoration. Ifo and friends grabbed chance to join a game called Running Man. I never watch the show so I had no idea about it, but it's just apparently an eating competition. Each group consists of 6 persons, and every member must finish boiled egg, hot curry Maggie, ice cream, chocolate bar, a bottle of mineral water and coke as fast as possible. The foods were simple and finishing them seemed easy, the real challenge was the psycho cheers from the crowds as they shouted, "muntah..muntah..muntah!" One of our friends almost puked eating the egg, me who's watching also felt like throwing up. Their psycho really worked. Anyway, Ifo's group won 2nd place and we went home with 2 hampers and lots of treats. 

Such a nice way to end the year. ^^

cooked for the loved ones

me and Ifo with 2 beautiful christmas cakes

with my friend a.k.a biras-to-be, Nelly

enjoying meals with the hosts of the party

congrats guys!

5 Years and Counting

Forever can never be long enough for me, to feel like I've had long enough with you..
- Train, Marry Me

The thing about love is that you find a way. It's funny the way things look different when you're in love, the moments are clearer and crisp, but it's the absence of love that makes you notice. I know 6 things about love: 1) it'll make you a better person, 2) it's simple, 3) the more you give, the more you have, 4) it's constant, 5) it can be everything you've hoped for, and 6) it must start with yourself.

I don't know if the world provides us with soulmates, but what I do know is that there's someone I'd pick every time. :)

This man right here, I owe him the world. He has shown me how great it can be to love someone, and how important it is to love and accept myself. He has taught me how to be comfortable in my skin and how to let go of my anger. He has proven to me that there's someone who will love the darkest, scariest parts of you. I've spent 5 years getting to know this beautiful soul as well as to know myself. Within those years we've had some barriers between us, some rough patches, but we're still into each other. I'm so lucky and so blessed to have been given such an amazing and loving man. I thank God every day for sending me such a perfect addition to my life. With him, my weird feels normal and that's all I can ever ask for. 

And today marks our 5th anniversary. Happy anniversary, dearest Ifo. I love you, always have and always will. :)

Marry your best friend. I do not say that lightly. Really, truly find the strongest, happiest friendship in the person you fall in love with. Someone who speaks highly of you. Someone you can laugh with. The kind of laughs that make your belly ache, and your nose snort. The embarrassing, earnest, healing kind of laughs. Wit is important. Life is too short not to love someone who lets you be a fool with them. Make sure they are somebody who lets you cry, too. Despair will come. Find someone that you want to be there with you through those times. Most importantly, marry the one that makes passion, love, and madness combine and course through you. A love that will never dilute - even when the waters get deep, and dark.

It's Called Emy

There's nothing more flattering than someone writing me a song. Ifo composed a new song in one night with his ukulele and it's called "Emy". Imagine my feeling when I woke up this morning with a new message by him, not a text, but an audio..and it's that song. Such a nice way to start a day. ;)

"Emy" by Ifo

It's weird to see my own name as a song title. :p

When I was a teenage girl, I was dreaming and hoping for a man who would serenade me a song while playing piano like in most movie. Now I know, it's not a dream anymore. Except, he's playing ukulele. I still love it. I can't help but feeling like all the flowers in the world are surrounding me and butterflies flying wildly in my tummy. Okay. I'm bad in metaphors. But for real, I'm thankful to have this man in my life. I pray that he's the one.. :)

p.s: Psssttt...it's our anniversary month. Heeee..

A Cure for Restlessness

I remember coming back from a road trip few years ago has left me with a sense of restlessness. It's always hard to go from being in absolute adventure, full of new words and people, to something routine. But it's all about perspective. Throwback moment that I had recently brought my thoughts back to when I was lost in the middle of the town. But it's nice, so I stopped and recalled my childhood moments. Because it's the place I grew up in. There's so much of it I've yet to see. My former life, and yet, that little block I'd never registered in my memory. Or maybe, moving away is what it took for me to notice those things. It's as if you have to leave in order to come home and see what's really there. I have a soul that's always longing to wander. I can't stay indoor even for a week, I'm the kind of person that always wants to be somewhere else. However, I'm still in a season of transition, a time of learning, growing and preparation. I'm not sure what for exactly, but I just know that this is a vital time during which is so important for me to be patient and learn what fuels my soul.

So far I've learned the these, cure for restlessness:

• Tea. Even if you have to microwave the water because you don't have a kettle..

• Books. All kinds. All topics. All the books.

• How I Met Your Mother. Or whatever happens to be your TV fix as of late. Every night as you fall asleep.

• Gratitude. And expressing it.

• Writing letters or postcards. The good, old-fashioned, stick a stamp on it, push it through the mail slot kind.

• Water. Lots.

• Music. As often as you can. As loud as plausible. Singing along.

..and anything nice and easy.

The only way that we can live, is if we grow. The only way that we can grow is if we change. The only way that we can change is if we learn. The only way we can learn is if we are exposed. And the only way that we can become exposed is if we throw ourselves out into the open. Do it. Throw yourself.
- C. Joybell C.

Invictus: Tribute to Mandela

The comic is a tribute to Nelson Mandela and it's his favorite poem by William Ernest Henley, called Invictus. So, about the comic, the photograph he's looking at is of himself with his eldest son, Madiba Thembekile, who's killed in a car crash. Mandela wasn't allowed to attend the funeral or even find out information about the accident. Over the years, because of the way Mandela carried himself, he gained respect and friendship of some of his guards. Not only did Mandela endure 27 years of imprisonment with dignity, determination and strength, but he also chose to forgive the people who wronged him. That, in my opinion, is his most impressive accomplishment. RIP Nelson Mandela.

Absent in our Presence

I have no sense of direction. I'm really poor in geography. I'm consistently 100% wrong when it comes to navigating, I could make a tourist lost. If you ask me where north is, I’ll probably point south. And if we're supposed to turn left, I’ll convince you to turn right. Show me a paper map or teach me how to use compass, my brain wouldn't seem to grasp it. 

But I want to learn and I'm actually grateful for my cell phone because I can always find directions as there's a Map apps. Technology can be a beautiful thing, anyway. We have endless amounts of information at our fingertips. We can ask questions and get answers. Sometimes I think Google is the 8th wonder of the world. We don't have to miss someone as badly because we can watch them document their lives through pictures and videos. And we can inform ourselves on current events and world news.

And I also believe that technology can get in our way. With all of the information at our fingertips, how much are we reading? What are we learning? Are we trying to take it all in? We have less time reading real books, you see. I always ask myself how much time I've spent informing myself about what's going on in the world versus refreshing my social media sites. And lately when I see my cell phone, I see distraction. 

As much as technology adds to our lives, it also takes some away. Like when you're in a room full of  friends and the only people you are talking to are the ones that are not there. Or when you're at a live concert but only view it through the screen of your camera. You're absent in your presence. Technology can get in the way when you spend the whole night documenting what you're doing, instead of actually doing it. When you spend more time letting the world know who you're with rather than just simply being with them. And cell phones can get in the way when you're driving on the road and decide to check that text message. Refresh that news feed, take your eyes off the road, and risk your/other's life just to figure out what someone else is doing.

I plan to start a game that's about being present. It's about putting down your phone, spending time with the people you're with, ignoring that incessant pull to check social media and send out a million text messages, or just to touch random buttons on your phone, ignoring the need to let everyone know what you're doing, reducing your distractions, savoring every bite of your food, rather than seeing how many people 'liked' what you ate. And it's caring more about what you're doing rather than what your facebook friends are doing. The game's about being here in real life with the people you love. Let's play together.

It's time to put our cell phones down, turn them off. Sit and have conversations with friends without distraction. Spend time with your family and hear what they're actually saying. Go outside or stay inside and read a book. Read the newspaper or make some art. Learn a new hobby. I really wanna do things manually without using apps. It's time to start gathering up knowledge and be informed, rather than just opinionated. Stop letting all those little visual and audio notifications interrupt your day. Let's allow ourselves a moment to be where we are. I think we often get so busy trying to capture the moment that we forget to truly experience it. 

We are Leaves

I used to collect leaves and put them between pages of books. I do still love it, I'm just not collecting leaves anymore. You might see it as a hobby. Yes, but mostly, I like leaves because they're a lot like people. I'm not a leaf expert, but I know they're designed to maximize their exposure to light and arranged on a plant so as to not shade one another from the sun, to make sure they all grow. So kind. That's what those leaves are. Leaves are a product of their environment; the design and structure depend on the climate and external factors they're exposed to. Humans are the same.

We all thrive when we have enough exposure to light, whatever it is that your light may be. Much like leaves, when people are being their best selves, we allow room for one another to flourish. And we help each other to get there. We're products of our experiences, environments and challenges. And I believe wholeheartedly that we're doing our best, despite our present circumstances. We're weathered too. And that's what make all seasons of our lives so beautiful.

Leaves don't just fall. They're let go of by the tree, by gracefully drifting to the ground to help the tree survive. As they lay there decorating the earth's ground, they contribute their remaining nutrients to the soil. The leaves fall, land and change for a reason. So do we.

And so if you can look down at the ground and find beauty in the leaves that have fallen from their tree, can you do the same for people? When you see someone going through a difficult time or living their life in a way that's incomparable to yours, can you challenge yourself to place them in a different light? Before you make that harsh judgement, can you look them in the face and find their beauty? Can you appreciate their uniqueness? Can you remember how beautiful they once were and still are? Can you remember, that like leaves, seasons change for people too? And can you adjust your life accordingly so that they too can have some exposure to light?

Leaves have taught me that just because someone may not be high up on a tree, doesn't mean they're not adding brightness and value to the world. And at the end of your life, I'll wonder how gently you walked the earth.

Did you plant something that will grow? A seed of kindness? A smile on your face to light up someone else's? A vegetable garden? A whisper of hope? And did you grow your roots? Did you invest in something that will outnumber all of your days? Did you form loving bonds with your family members that can't be undone? And did you sit in silence on a cool, fall day and marvel at the wonder of the world? Did you appreciate its beauty? Did you offer thanks to God? 

Sciences Sing a Lullaby

Physics says: go to sleep. Of course you're tired. Every atom in you has been dancing the shimmy in silver shoes nonstop from mitosis to now. Quit tapping your feet. They'll dance inside themselves without you. Go to sleep.

Geology says: it will be all right. Slowly inch by inch your country is giving itself to the ocean. Go to sleep. Let darkness lap at your sides. Give darkness an inch. You aren't alone. All of the continents used to be one body. You aren't alone. Go to sleep.

Astronomy says: the sun will rise tomorrow.

Zoology says: on rainbow-fish and lithe gazelle.

Psychology says: but first it has to be night, so..

Biology says: the body-clocks are stopped all over town and..

History says: here are the blankets, layer on layer, down and down.

- Albert Goldbarth

For the Brokenhearted Girl

A few weeks ago I received a message from a dear friend who's younger than me and going through a heartbreak. She asked me to write an advice and post it here, she is not a blogger but often reads my blog, which is flattering. So this is the reply I could come up with, I'm not a good adviser, but this is straight from my heart. I hope it'd help you, dear.

Dearest darling,

First of all, a big hug to you. This heartache your feeling is raw, and you're such a tender soul right now. Take a second to breath, and know that you're so loved by so many people. You got that, sis? Okay? Okay. :)

Secondly, oh..boys. And I say boys because I dated someone who sounds crazy similar to your boy, and that's exactly how they behaved, like boys. But we accept it, because we think they'll turn into men sooner than later and the sad part is, sometimes they take years! Or never even grow up. But you can't let him stop your growing because of his own issues. It's hard, because they're boys who don't think like logical men.

This may be the hardest part of all, but I'm telling you this from the side of the heartbroken: cut off all communication. Hide his facebook updates, delete his number from your phone, and try and explain to your friends that  you need to be away from him until you feel better. In my humble opinion, staying friends so fresh after a breakup never, ever works. With my ex, he responded to none of my reaching out to him after the breakup. I found this to be cruel cruel cruel. But, years later, I saw him and thanked him for this time of healing. I thanked him silently. Because he knew that it'd just drag the process out longer. It's like ripping off a band-aid. You either do it slowly and feel every single of pain for each individual piece, or you rip that off quickly and get it over with. I highly recommend the latter.

I also want to point out that when things get serious, it terrifies boys, because they aren't used to feeling such strong emotions. So, to protect themselves, I'm of the opinion that they run from anything to keep themselves from getting hurt. But this is not your fault, nor is it mine. It's just the nature of the beast.

Take some time for you, let him see that if he really wants space, you'll give it to him, and let him see that the pain of losing you isn't worth it. And, if he's still scared, he's not the one for you. You know how the saying goes like, "let it go, if it comes back, it's yours; if not, it never was". I find that to be quite true sometimes. I know you and him have a love that's between you two. It'll always be there. And it'll always be unique to you two. That's the best part about love, there's never the same love twice, so you'll always be in each other's hearts.

I hope this helps a bit, dear friend. I know this is very hard to believe, but your heart will heal. It really will. And you'll be stronger for it. But in the meantime, embrace your emotions. And love, eat, and stay healthy. Take a lavender shower and buy yourself a fantastic new dress or lipstick. One that reminds you every time you see it that you're healing.

So much love to you and don't hesitate if you need to talk! Big hugs!

Make Life Easier for Each Other

Most of us don't want to back off from our favorite thing. We won't even do our second favorite thing. Imagine yourself screwing over entire lanes of traffic because the driver forgot to get in the left lane, so you cut over several lanes to make your turn before the light changes. Don't you think that you just shove your car through everybody's life? 

We have to stop doing things like this to each other sometimes. We're all just going the best we can in life, and our best would be 10 times more awesome if we tried to make the lives of people around us better, because as a result, our lives will be better. If everyone wants everyone else to be okay, then won't we all be okay? So what we can do to make life easier for each other? Here's some tips for me, you and everyone.

1. Don't ever tell anyone they look tired.

2. Help people, and if you offer to help someone, follow through.

3. Be kind to people who work in retail and food service.

4. Let someone know you’re not interested.

5. Actually hang out sometime.

6. Be a little more honest.

7. Stop calling each other mean names on the Internet.

8. Send more letters (not emails or text messaging or whatsapp or bbm, etc) and gifts.

9. Give more genuine compliments.

10. Have more patience while waiting in lines.

Warrior Blood in my Veins

The 7-day tahlil ceremony for my late grandma (may her soul rest in peace) has came to end last wednesday. It all went well, alhamdulillah. I was glad that Ifo and The Baks came on one of the nights because honestly, I was me again when they're around. It's not that I ain't happy with my family..I don't know how to describe this, but when you and your family are gathering and you know there's a void, deep in your heart wishing someone were there too, then forcing smile or laugh to cover the emptiness, you know. 

Anyway, during the ceremony, there was grandma's uncle that we called him Nek Tamin, 95 years old. He came bringing something valuable for our family; full hierarchy and written story about our ancestors. Surprisingly, after 23 years of living, only now that I've found out who's my great great great grandparents. Nek Tamin's father, which is also grandma's mother's father, was named Awang Besar, who used to be one of the workers that built the train railroads Papar to Tenom. Awang Besar was raised by his adopted family as her mother died when he's a baby and her father went to war, but the real purpose was to hide him from British people. So who were the father and mother of Awang Besar? Believe it or not, they're Datu Paduka Mat Salleh and Dang Bandang. 

Yes, this is not a joke, I'm seriously talking about Mat Salleh, the Sabahan warrior who gained his fame due to his resistance to the British colonials in Sabah. Mat Salleh's my great great great grandfather. I didn't know it until 5 days ago. I'm not sure if late grandma knew it too because she never told us any of it. I think this is another miracle that she left. It's not something to be bragged about, but I was really really surprised. I hated History subject in school, I might even had fallen asleep when the teacher taught us about Mat Salleh, who apparently happens to be one of my ancestors. 

Truth be told, Mat Salleh didn't killed in the battle in 1900. He found shelter somewhere at Indonesia and lived there for 38 years before coming back to Sabah with a new identity, Hj Abdul Salam. That's also when his son, Awang Besar, drew his last breath. This story's told by Nek Tamin who has witnessed everything. I know that according to our History textbook, the story goes different way. Now it's up to you whether to believe the textbook version or the 95-year-old Nek Tamin version. Allah knows best. But it doesn't matter now to me because bygone is bygone. What matters is I know my roots, my ancestors, my family. In a way, knowing that warrior blood runs through my veins is cool. :p

Just a Memory

Ifo made a new song called Memori. I've been listening to it over and over again because it reminds me of grandma. Ironically, Ifo made it on the night before my grandma passed away. Each time I play it, I'd get a feeling, the same one when I was listening to Paramore's In The Mourning, Avenged Sevenfold's So Far Away, Avril Lavigne's Slipped Away, etc. 

I hope you'll listen to the song and love it. The music and lyrics are solely made by Ifo, and here's the demo video, presented by Ifo and Naaszreen.

Memori - The Baks

Kau pergi jua,

Tinggalkan segala,

Takkan ku lupakan

Senyummu selalu

Tinggallah kenangan

Tinggallah memori

Memori yang terindah

Ku rindu dia

Sekian selamanya 

Ku ingat dia

In the Mourning

the last picture of us together

It was 27th November 2013. My grandma came to house that morning. She looked pale and tired, but was still smiling and cheerful. So we talked like usual, she told me about gardening and planting coconut trees at aunt's house (which she couldn't make it). I showed my convocation pictures to her and she's happy for me. She also hoped that she could see my wedding one day. Then I asked her to rest and watch tv for a while as I did laundry, but when I got back she's already went back home. 

Only that evening I realized that it was the last day I saw and talked to my grandma. Around 3pm, she felt uneasy, was hard to breathe..she asked my aunt to help her taking a bath and apologized to everyone for being a burden before she's taken to hospital where she's admitted to ER. I didn't join them (which I regret) because I had to take care of my niece. Then I did the weirdest thing that day; I vacuumed the carpets and changed the curtains. I didn't know why I did that, as if people were coming for an occasion. I mean, I just did. I went to hospital with my dad before 6, but when I got there, everyone's weeping, crying..I knew it's already too late. The doctor said he'd done everything he could. My grandma's blood pressure was too low, her heart was too weak and there's a sudden attack of pneumonia. 

I ran into the ER and saw my grandma in the bed, white and unconscious. My mum, aunts and others were crying around her..but I just can't go nearer because I felt so sick and weak. I thought I was prepared. I wasn't. I got out of the room, ran to empty space until I couldn't feel my feet..sat on the floor and cried so hard. I recalled every moment with grandma..when I was kid, when we celebrated something, few weeks ago, and that morning. I recalled our last moments together. I can't believe things happen in a blink of an eye. She's gone. The person I love, the person I talk to everyday has gone now.

It's been 4 days now. I've been losing sleep, losing interest in everything, losing myself in deep thoughts, my body and mind are out of sync, my tears have dried but my heart's still broken. It's like I'm still stuck in the morning of 27th November. 4 days and it still lingers. I'm trying to keep things together. I told myself all the right things to justify why it was okay.

Deep in my heart, I'm thankful to Allah because grandma slipped away in peace. She's left us miracle and a lot of greatest life lesson. At least for me. She had lived a full life. She's the friendliest person I've ever known. She treated everyone, even strangers, kindly like they're her family and friends. She loved to do sedekah. She's hardworking and never tired of giving useful advice along with interesting stories. She's funny and a bit of superstitious, and that's how we love her. She used to advise us to be aware of death as much as to obey Allah's rules in sickness and health. The way grandma lived her life has changed me: I aim to be as loving to others as she was to people. In this way, her spirit lives on through me. One flap of my grandma's wings creates a wave that will ripple on into the future indefinitely. 

Though she couldn't get to see my wedding, I'll remember her when the time comes. I'll always remember grandma. May Allah rest her soul in eternal peace. Al-Fatihah..

The Times You'll Miss

As my time as a student has came to end, I can't help but reflect on the past 4 years while Vitamin C's Graduation plays in my mind. I'm not going to put you through that, but I'd like to share some words of advice for the juniors, wherever, whoever they are. I'm gonna go ahead and get the cliches out of the way first: College flies by. Get involved. Take advantage of the opportunities. Have fun. Study hard. Don't take those years for granted. Be safe. You'll someday look back on this time and miss it. You will. 

Now that those are out of the way (yet, so very true) I'm gonna add a few of my own what-I-wish-I-had-known-while-in-college lessons. 

1. The library has the best resources. Learn how to use them. Yep, I didn't know this until my last semester. They also have subscriptions to some of the raddest, most expensive websites and databases in the world. Explore your hobbies and interests now. You have the best resources to do so.

2. Have dinner with your dorm mates. They're gonna be the ones that you miss the most after your course mates. 

3. Talk to your lecturers. They're people like us too and (most) always there because they really do want to help you learn. And (most) are experts on extremely specific topics. And (most) wanna tell you about what they know. Make appointment, email/text them if you have questions. Know what's worth debating and what's not. 

4. Put down your phones and talk to people around you. After college, you're probably rarely, if ever, going to be around so many people in the same life stage/situation as you. Everyone's there trying to get a degree. We're all on the same playing field, help each other out. Meet people who are interested in your same hobbies. You may never again see people with the same interests on a daily basis. But don't stick to only groups that agree with what you think or like what you like. Explore different groups and make friends with all kinds of people. This is how you learn. 

5. I think this is probably the most important thing I wish I had known: take control of your course, don't let it control you. Choose something that you're really interested in as your major. Don't just follow what your friends choose or what you parents told you so. I wish I had taken different course. I should've been more open to the idea I'd maybe change my mind before deciding on a major. But it doesn't matter anymore. So get them done. Although you're not the smartest in class, be smart anyway. Don't fall into so much drama. Don't waste your time on people who lead you to bad things. 

6. Get off the laptop and go out with your dorm/course mates sometimes. Go to stadium and run. Have a tea time at cafeteria. Go to cinema. Facebook will be around 10 years down the road, but you won't be on campus forever.

I do miss campus more than words could ever express. This is a chapter I long to return to, but life doesn't work that way. All I can do is let those of you going into college or currently in its throws know that this is it. These are times you will miss. Be present. Cherish every single moment. :)

10 Seconds of Fame

I'm officially graduated!! Yay!!! 

*fireworks*

*confetti rain*

Well, it's just an ordinary graduation ceremony. But it's probably the onetime experience, so I wanted to feel the moment. Yes, it's fun, but it's also tiring and exhausting! Plus I only ate a couple of sandwiches that day. I skipped lunch and regretted it. We waited for 2 hours before parading into the hall. The parade was my favorite part..it's glorious, you know..when you walked on red carpet into the hall and everyone's watching and applauding, accompanied with orchestral music. Oh it's wonderful. But the excitement faded a while as we had to wait for another hour before being on stage. When it's time, I could only hear my heartbeats. I went up stage, my name's mentioned, I know I was on the screens, faced the chief minister of Sabah, smiled at cameras, took scroll, said thanks, and went down smiling. That's all. 4 years of study and 10 seconds of fame. Lol! 

Exiting the hall, I ran straight away to find my lovelies. The 1st ones I met were Ifo, Jasper and Selvin. They brought me flowers! Then we went to meet my family and they had flowers for me too. I felt blessed. Being hugged and kissed by mum and dad was the most touching moment, nothing could make me happier than seeing them happy and proud. Despite the fact that I was famished and exhausted, I was glad. Unfortunately I didn't get to meet most friends after leaving the hall, we're all separated by the crowds and couldn't find each other. Everything was so brief. I wish I could see them and say goodbye because it might be difficult to meet again.

The next day was Ifo's turn. I loved it how charming he was in suit and robe. We're finally graduated together. ^^ I got to meet his family and take pictures together. The whole Baks was also there so hey, it's a party! We took as much pictures as we want at the chancellor lawn, went crazy together. Then we took off for lunch, played bowling and decided to stay at Lan's place while waiting for concert night at UMS. So we had karocks and watched Pee Mak that made me almost cry. After that we headed to Tamu Gadang and had dinner there. It's not really a cool place because it's too crowded and smokes were everywhere. And the concert was just okay..there's Azlan & The Typewriter, and a band that tried so hard to be like Paramore..whatever the band was, they performed Still Into You at slow tempo and Conspiracy. I was disappointed as they ruined the songs. 

We kinda made a history that night when a woman approached us and asked to help her finding her 2 little sons that were missing at Tamu Gadang. So we split up and looked for the kids, but we didn't find them..others did. Someone sent them to the stage and made announcement. Phew. Glad the kids were safe. Then we escaped from the place and went to the peaceful sports complex. Looking at the huge field, I recalled the orientation moment dancing on the field during our 1st week in campus 4 years ago. It felt like yesterday. Now we're leaving hogwarts and going forward to the new chapters.

Well, it's an amazing night. It made me realize how blessed I am to be surrounded by wonderful people; my family, friends, Ifo, the Baks, bloggers, etc. Hmm, cliche huh? And being a part of the guys is great, I'm always happy whenever they're around. I may be the wallflower in any other place, but I'm the flower in the group. :)

Graduation Speech

So. No Fiction Friday today, just like last Friday. Those who have been waiting for the next chapter of Letting Go, I'm sorry..I'll try to continue next week. I hardly have time to write for the time being with convocation and stuff coming. Well, it's tomorrow, actually. Yay I'm graduating! So I don't have much to write at the moment, though I've got a lot in mind. I just wanna share this one..which will pretty much tell you how I really feel (though I'm neither the best student nor giving speech on graduation).

Blissful Weekend

Last weekend was awesome. Me and family and Ifo went to Kundasang for a holiday trip, we stayed at Little Hut, Mesilau for a night. It's a nice place, with breathtaking view, surrounded by beautiful flowers, windy, cozy cold..such a sanctuary. And there's an onion field in front of the homestay house. 

After checking in to homestay, we went to Poring, it's for the kids. Then we headed to Tagal River to experience a fish massage, which was incredibly great. It's not the normal fish massage that you might get in spa, but this one is huge fish. I was amazed to see a group of big fish swimming around the feet of visitors who stood in the river. At first I was afraid to go down but it'd be waste if I didn't try, so I dipped my feet in the river while feeding the fishes. Oh gosh..I can feel them nibbling my skin. It didn't hurt, just itchy and slippery. Ifo showed us how to feed them right (he went there before); hold the food in your palm, dip your hand in the river and slowly release the food, the fishes would come rushing to your hand. I didn't try that one. :p

That night, we just stayed in homestay and cooked our dinner. Ifo helped us in the kitchen and he even made the grilled banana leaf wrapped fish. My sister said he passed the test. Lol. 

At 3.30 am, we all woke up for qiamullail, it's a practice in Islam to perform tahajjud and hajat prayers at the middle of night, followed by tazkirah and Subuh prayer. It's my dad's idea, which was very good to get much benefits from Allah. Honestly, I'm thankful for being born in the family. Bercuti sambil beramal, they say. 

In the morning, before going to Desa Cattle, we walked around our place and took pictures. Really, it's a very nice place for sightseeing and taking photo, I love how they design the houses with English vintage style. It inspired me to design my own house someday. ^^ So we went to Desa Cattle. We bought milk, met and greeted the calves and goats. The kids had so much fun feeding the tamed young goats. Before heading home, we stopped at Kundasang town to buy some fruits and vegetables. 

It's an awesome vacation. ^^

if only the peak of Mount Kinabalu wasn't covered by the clouds

look at those fishes

i wanna know what does the fox say about us

i can see Mount Kinabalu from my room

;)

brother and the cute house

me and the onion field

my lovelies are feeding the goats

cows might pooped the grass, but we don't care

awesome weekend

Strong as the Wolf Pack

A wolf pack is like the Mafia. Everyone has a position in it. 

An alpha wolf is the leader of the pack. This is the mob boss, the brains of the outfit, the protector, the one who tells the other wolves where to go, when to hunt, what to hunt. The alpha is the decision maker, the capo di tutti capi, who, from 10 feet away, can hear the change of rhythm in a prey animal's heart rate. The alpha's actually far too valuable, as the decision maker, to put himself in harm's way.

Which is why in front of every alpha is a beta wolf, an enforcer. The beta rank is the bold, big thug who's pure aggression. He'll take you down before you get too close to the boss. He's completely expendable. If he gets himself killed, no one will really care, because there's always another brute to take his place.

Then there's the tester wolf, who's very wary and suspicious, who doesn't trust anyone he meets. He's always scouting for change, for something new, and he'll be hiding out at every corner to make sure that, when and if it happens, he's there to alert the alpha. His skittishness is integral to the safety of the pack. And he's the quality-control guy too. If someone in the pack doesn't seem to be pulling his weight, the tester will create a situation where the other wolf has to prove his mettle. Like picking a fight with the enforcer, for example. If that beta can't knock him to the ground, he doesn't deserve to be the beta wolf anymore.

The omega wolf was thought to be a scapegoat and at the bottom of the hierarchy, but he plays a key role in the pack. If 2 animals are fighting, the omega will jump between them and will clown around, until suddenly the 2 angry wolves have taken their emotions down a notch. Everyone gets on his job, and no one gets hurt. The omega holds the critical position of peacemaker. Without him the pack couldn't function; they'd be at a war with each other all the time. 

Say what you will about the Mafia, but it works because everyone has a specific role to play. They all do what they do for the greater good of the organization. They'd willingly die for each other. The other reason a wolf pack is like the Mafia? Because, for both groups, there's nothing more important than family

- I get this from Lone Wolf by Jodi Picoult. It's an amazing story. You can read my review here. 

And I've also learned that there are 3 types of wolf howls: a rallying howl, which is a vocal beacon to bring back a missing member of the pack; a locating howl, which is like a voice message to give the placement of any pack that's in the area; and finally, a defensive howl, which is much deeper, and used to protect your territory. Amazing huh?

Unrequited

..this one is quite related to the previous post..

Would you ever go after a guy that isn't interested in you? If you would, what would you do to get to know him more and how to talk to him? I'm really awkward while he's really lively.

Stop. Please, for your own sake. Guys who aren't interested in you don't deserve you. That's it. End of story. Why torture yourself over someone who doesn't appreciate all the things you have to offer? When it happens, with a person, it happens. You know. You fit. You both work for it.

If a guy didn't realize it, well maybe he may at one point "get it" but, it's not your job to wait. Do your thing. Be the best person you can be for yourself. 

Be his friend, be yourself. At the end of the day, that's all you can do. 

Love will Come Eventually

Remember I posted this: We all Start as Strangers? I mentioned about heartbreak there. So let's talk about it. Well, I'd rather slay dragons on any day than have to deal with heartbreak. Heartbreak is the pits. And I've had some trepidation about whether or not to blog about my old heartaches. Because one weird thing about blogs, it's all archived. So even whenever you try and move along, you catch yourself peeking back at those moments. Being brave is something you admire in others and long to be yourself. But it's not that I ain't moving on, of course I've moved on. I'm happier now. This is just a little sharing that might be useful for some of you.

  

So here it goes, young loves.

Long before I met my true love, I dated someone else. He was decent and kind and we had a blast together. I came to really care about him. I loved our times together and I simply adored his family. Honestly, I still respect his family. But then it happens. You know, you drift apart and you realize your lives are headed in remarkably different directions. As much as it breaks your heart and makes you dizzy all at once, you try and accept it's for the best.

But then again, holy guacamole, I had some rough days trying to believe it's for the best. Breakups are flipping weird, ya'll. You go from being best friends with a person to absolutely never speaking again. How does that even make sense? I guess it doesn't. But who ever said love made sense? And in my case, it wasn't even love after all. I must say that as much as it hurt, it was kind of a fresh start, of sorts. 

To my surprise, I got into a new groove. I came out from under my duvet to find the same beautiful world that had always been there, with or without boyfriend. I began to grow and learn so much about myself. And eventually, I met Ifo. :) 

And up until now I learn to accept some things:

• when someone shows you who they are, believe them the 1st time.
• your friends see through a lot of crap.
• don't become a doormat. People love a good doormat.
• respect (yourself, others, just as much as others should respect you).
• you can still care about him at times, but as the ever so wise Elizabeth Gilbert put it, "so miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, then drop it." 
• love will come, but don't rush it.
• because it's on its way, waiting to arrive at the most perfect of times.
• just because you broke up, it doesn't make the happiness you had with the person any less real. That happiness was so real.
• never allow your heart to refuse love. Love helps you heal and somebody loves you. Allah loves you. 

Abused Generation

Look At the Stars

My former teacher used to say: "When tough times come, look at the sky. See how big this world is and remember how many people living in it, they all have problems too and some of the problems are much bigger than yours. Then pray and ask help from Allah".

*Yellow by Coldplay is playing*

Daydreaming All the Time

Well, most of you know how much I love Paramore, right? So imagine how crazy I become when a new music video by Paramore has released. Yesss!! They have released their new music video for my favorite song, DAYDREAMING. Let's watch:

Ain't it wonderful? The video is as beautiful as the song. That's why I love Paramore! They know exactly what their fans needed to listen and watch. At least for me. The video turns out better than what I expected. In case you're wondering what I've been dreaming of all day, all night, the video would tell you. 

I love all the shots; countryside scenery, a small town as trains pass through, and the band triumphantly rocking out onstage. It's about real life of someone who's counting down the days until they can get out on the road and see a different part of the world that they've been dreaming of themselves. I love it not only for the great work they've made, but also for the message they left. I may haven't experienced it yet, but I know that going to a concert is really expensive. You have to pay the ticket, flight, hotel room, train, cabs, etc. But in the end, it's all worth it. Not just seeing your favorite band, but it's sacrificing every single day by saving money and it's also a great experience with your friend by making a long trip and staying together. I think this video is a tribute to the fans. Thank you, Paramore. 

And for the record, I love how they got into an accidental detour to the band's dressing room, peeking through the door, Hayley saw them, smiled and waved. It's this part that I really really adore:

Ain't she pretty?! Oh I wish I was one of those girls. Someday. Someday I will be that girl who's marking the calendar, counting days, getting on flight, joining the crowd and screaming "Paramore!!".

It's my dream.

DAYDREAMING lyrics

Living in a city of sleepless people

Who all know the limits and won't go too far outside the lines

Cause they're' out of their minds.

I wanna get out and build my own home

On a street where reality is not much different from dreams I've had

A dream is all I have... 

Daydreaming, daydreaming all the time

Daydreaming, daydreaming into the night

And I'm alright

Creep past the hours like the shorter hand on the clock

Hanging on a wall of a schoolhouse somewhere

We wait for the bell

And we dream of somewhere else

Daydreaming, daydreaming all the time

Daydreaming, daydreaming into the night

And I'm alright

Not that I won't remember where I'm from

Just don't wanna be here no more

It's not enough

(We're only half alive)

I'm gonna go

(We're only half alive)

Where the rest of the dreamers go

Where the dreamers go

Daydreaming, daydreaming all the time

Daydreaming, daydreaming into the night

And I'm alright

Daydreaming, daydreaming all the time

Daydreamer, we used to be half alive

Now I'm alright