Flaws and Charms

I've been thinking a lot about how when you love someone, their flaws can become their charms. The strange, quirky, and even the most irritating things that they feel most self-conscious about, and what others, too, may find off-putting, can become exactly what you adore most.

I tend to talk too much and think too much and write too much. I hog the covers. I'm compulsively, unnecessarily early to any and every event. I have a fear of sleeping alone. I'm allergic to dust, I can't help but comment on every preview in movie theaters, and I'm so afraid of cockroach, I won't even watch Oggy and The Cockroaches.

I'm picky about certain vegetables, selfish about sharing my favorite foods, and stubborn when it comes to ordering anything but my go-to meal from familiar restaurants. I'm scared of driving and in theory, I love gardening, but in practice, I'd rather just lay out in the sun with a good book and a orange juice.

Ifo forgets to close wardrobe and put down the toilet seat. He trims his beard on my mirror desk and he lets his dirty clothes make a mountain on the floor. He gets lost in YouTube black holes, watching trailers or learning about weird addictions or the latest conspiracy theories. He can be easily distracted and also easily charmed, for better or for worse.

And despite, or perhaps because of all this, he loves me, and I love him, and our relationship feels stronger. Neither of us is perfect, to be sure, and every once in a while, we'll feel the need to point that out. If you asked us, though, we'd both admit to loving it all. To loving all of each other, even the worst parts, because we know those pieces and understand them and we're proud that we've learned to navigate those darker patches because that effort marks the difference between love and marriage.

The Special Thing in my Mom I Hope to Pass Down

I've been thinking a lot about my parents lately...who they are, who they've made me. People talk a lot about the mistakes their parents made, all the cycles they hope to break. And my parents aren't perfect, of course, but what I'm really holding on to these days is everything they did right. They set the bar in so many ways, and I can only hope to love like them.

By the way...I think I can finally share the good news: I'm pregnant and my baby is due in April next year! If you've been wondering why it's been super quiet around these parts lately, well, now you know! I honestly just couldn't sit down to write about real life, so I've been focusing on my pregnancy and trying to wrap my mind around what's ahead. We're so, so excited, and I can't wait for this next chapter.

So when you're expecting your first child, the avalanche of parenting advice that rushes your way can be more than a little overwhelming. There are suggestions from friends, tips from family members, link after link of parenting stories online. And then, of course, there are all the pointers you pick up on your own.

More than anything, of course, as I try to imagine myself as a mother, I look to my mom. I remember the way she tucked me in when I was little, the music box that played, the final words she said each night: "I love you." I remember the notes she left in my lunchbox all the way through primary school, the times she saved the day by just being there. Again and again, I've replayed scenes where she was more selfless than I'm afraid I'll ever be and more empathetic than, at times, I may have deserved. I remember feeling safe, always.

She's not perfect, of course, nobody is, although she's a perfectionist. Sometimes she's way too perfectionist. Her punctuality makes her always in a rush, she's the queen of neatness, and sometimes she cares so deeply that I hesitate to share the tough things with her, afraid she'll panic for me. There's one thing, though, one quality of my mom's, that I'm vowing to pass on, and that's her relentless need to celebrate the little things.

Every time I got an A on an exam, the paper made its way onto our refrigerator for the week. Whenever I won first place in school debate, I got to pick what we had for dinner. On each birthday, mom ordered a cake and cooked so many foods and invited everyone to celebrate. There was the time she planned a surprise party for me...actually, many times. The woman loves surprises.

Sometimes I wonder where that heart of gold comes from. Maybe it's her roots, or from a life lived in, or maybe she took after the people who raised her. In any case, it's second nature to her, and the point is: she knows how to show love, and she does it. It's as simple and as difficult as that.

My mom and I are living apart now, since I'm married and currently living with my husband, but still she finds ways to celebrate the special moments. I come from a huge family. My parents have 6 kids and 12 grandchildren, and my mom's babysitting more often than not. Still, as big as the family has gotten, that's never diluted her love for any of us. There's always plenty to go around, and she makes sure we all feel it, not just on holidays or on birthdays or when the major milestones happen, but every day, in the smaller moments.

I hope I'll someday do the same. I'm definitely going to try.

What I've Learned from my Husband

Sometimes you need to make sunshine a priority. Sometimes you need to set up a spontaneous picnic with friends just to soak up the daylight and yes, the laundry (and the groceries, and the dishes, and all those tv series) can wait until tomorrow.

Patience can solve just about anything.

It's important to take time for the people you care about most. Even if it means stepping outside your comfort zone or rearranging your schedule, those moments are worth it. They make you whole.

Happy music can do wonders for your mood. So can YouTube.

Cooking really isn't that hard, so don't be afraid to try something new. Plus, if you do mess up, who cares? There's always cereal. (Or takeout)

Most of the time, your stress is your own doing. Relax and take care of it, one to-do at a time.

People deserve 2nd chances, and sometimes a 3rd, too. Trust yourself. You'll know in your heart when it's time to step away from a relationship and move on.

Nothing beats rainy day, hot fish noodles, and a good movie.

It's possible to wake up happy every single day. It's possible for cool, calm, and collected to be your version of autopilot on a daily basis. (He's like that. Seriously.)

Before you ask for help, try to do it on your own. You may just surprise yourself.

Silly faces and ridiculous dance are a crucial part of life. Let loose. Acting childish every once in a while is good for the spirit.

When you're good at your core, really, truly, honestly good, love comes easy.

Trust and empathy are important, but relationships are really built on the little things. Don't overlook the smaller moments, the tiny ways in which you relate and react to each other. Flirt, laugh, stay up late talking about anything and everything, and never forget to show how grateful you are.

The Vow

On 16th July 2016, I got married to a wonderful man, Ifo, whom I've dated for 8 years. It was the greatest thing that ever happened to me and I swear I can never forget the solemnization moment and when he read his wedding vows. There were also some unforgettable moments that make me smile every time I think about them:

1. Waking up to text messages from my long distance friends wishing a "Happy Wedding Day".

2. All the flower girls and bridesmaid eating cupcakes while getting ready.

3. Stepping into my giant white dress, all the girls around me.

4. The silence, and the sound of my dress rustling against the floor as I approached Ifo for our first look. And how he smiled at me.

5. Scanning the crowd and feeling, in the most surreal way, buoyed by our friends and family.

6. Again, the wedding vows, which was my cue to cry.

7.  My veil slipping off as we made our way to the feast, delirious with joy, and Ifo catching the veil as it fell. The most perfect imperfection.

8. The biggest, best hug fest in the entire world as everyone came to congratulate us.

9. Slipping away with Ifo to take pictures, and the look of sheer amazement on his face as he whispered, "Alhamdulillah, finally..."

10. Cutting the chocolate cake coated with mint green fondant specially made by my sister.

11. Everybody's having fun with karaoke and some others were waiting turn to sing.

12.  My adorable nieces and nephews twirling across the dance floor, giddy and tired.

13. Friends and family dishing out all kinds of emotional, slurred, perfect "we love yous".

14. Hanging out with Ifo under the canopy while eating leftovers after everybody's leaving, feeling tired, happy and thankful.

And so...I just want to thank you all for your best wishes and your really, really sweet comments as I shared all our wedding photos and details on instagram, facebook and twitter these past few weeks. Special thanks to our families and friends for their continuous support and help to make the wedding as wonderful as it can be. And also special credits for these people:

Wedding suit and dress: Permaisuri Pengantin Boutique

Dais and hand bouquet: Normah Wedding Planner

Cake: Dinasha Bakery

Canopy and table set: Kris Canopy

Caterer: Kharisma Catering

Photographer: Mr. Ajib

Thanks so much everyone!

Annddd...last but not least, here's my vow:

Dear Ifo,

My best friend,

My brightest light,

My husband from this day forward,

You're the greatest, most magnificent man I've ever known.

You've taught me peace and charity, strength and integrity,

the beautiful bliss of life's most simple joys.

You've shown me what it means to be good and true,

what it's like to wake up each day with faith and hope and a fearless, grateful spirit.

I love you for so many reasons, but I love you most for your heart,

Your true and kind and open, compassionate heart.

Our love has always felt both incredible and inevitable,a miracle that's meant to be,

And my most cherished blessing is to know that I'm yours.

Today, surrounded by the ones we love,

I vow to honor, inspire, and respect you for the rest of our days.

I'm yours, my love, forever and always:

All that I am now and all that I'll ever be.

Arrival of the groom

The start of forever

It's such an honor to be his wife

A kiss

Mom

"Can't take my eyes off you"

My best friends

His best friends

Our moms

I'm honestly loving my dress

Inching Toward Love

Sometimes someone seems to be not quite falling in love, but tiptoeing toward something like it. Like everything is just happening so slowly, you know? Well it's making me feel like maybe it's just not right.

There's something to be said for the kind of love that comes quickly, abruptly, a fierce jolt that makes you stumble, do a double take, then race forward. It's exciting when that happens, and scary, and something about the fear and the thrill and the haste makes it seem inevitable. Destined, even.

Occasionally, that swift love holds onto its momentum. I've seen (and felt) that desperate, whirlwind sort of love shape into something that's lasting and evolving, but I've also seen (and felt) it lose its footing, the head unable to keep up with the heart. Or something.

I inched my way into love. When I met him, sure, there was an immediate connection, something easy and comfortable about it. But my stomach didn't drop in fear, and I didn't fall so quickly that I tripped and staggered. I just inched in the direction of love, letting it come into view in the distance while I slowly but surely watched the walls between us come down.

Truth is, I'm a put-it-all-out-there kind of girl. And he isn't that kind of guy. Of course, when you first meet him, it feels instantly like you know him, like what you see is what you get. He's easygoing and kind and level-headed in the way that can feel wonderfully simple, relatable, but he also keeps so many things close to the chest. He's the type to intrigue you, to hold back a bit, to let pieces of himself unfold and come to light over time. In all the ways that I'm obvious and open and up and down, he's careful and steady and balanced. He's sure. He knows what to share and what to keep as his own, so that weeks and months and even years into knowing him, I still find that he surprises me.

I eased into love because he eased into himself, letting me in bit by bit. For me it was a lesson in patience, because while fast happiness may feel fated, that lasting joy is worth waiting for.

Save the Date

Hey, everyone! Ahh what a long hiatus. It feels good to finally write again. Well, the big day is just around the corner and I am currently a very busy, nervous and excited woman. 

Planning our wedding has come down to a lot of little details and decisions; programs, linens, cards, tablecloth colors, doorgifts. And all these choices, sure, they felt important. After all, it's one of the most significant days of our lives, we're standing at the brink of forever, etc. But still, nothing has been quite so special as preparing myself to be a good wife.

I'm also writing my vows, though I'm not gonna read it out loud on the day, it just feels right to write it. I know it's not a part of our tradition. But there's just something kind of magical about writing that promise, about narrowing your big, sweeping, expanse of a love for that person into just a few short sentences.

All along people have been saying some version of the same thing: "It will hit you. At some point in this process, all the love and the forever and the weight of this day will hit you."

And wouldn't you know it, I've been hit, by the words, of course, always by the words. The surprising part, though, is that I didn't feel their weight. I felt their lightness.

Annndd here is save-the-date card for you. Everyone is invited!

Dear Young Hearts

Dear young hearts,

Love is a weird thing, and as you grow older, it doesn't stop getting any weirder or more complex. The love you felt for friends and first loves in high school shifts to a different kind of love in college, which shifts again as you enter adulthood. And each time you fall in love, it'll be different, too. You are, after all, the only thing that stays the same in each relationship you enter, no matter how much you think you have a "type" or that you're doomed to repeat the same relationship over and over again. 

When you're in your 20s, though, there's a lot that flies up in the air all at once. You're juggling a job and debt and a social life and trying to figure out who you are, now more than ever, and some things feel like they slip through the cracks here and there. Relationships sometimes seem like more trouble than they're worth unless you're in them (and sometimes even then, on the bad days), but that doesn't mean that you won't fall in love. You can try, to avoid it, but it'll happen. You can't outrun falling in love.

And whatever the outcome, heartbreak or happiness, forever, or just that momentary second, it'll teach you something about yourself, and about what you do and don't want in your life. Because you need love, and you need it in multiple forms. But what does it mean to love, when you can barely juggle your bills and your student loans and everything else in between? And who do you choose to love? Do you even choose at all? (After all, sometimes it's the love that finds you.) But those are different questions for a different day. So here's the 5 people you'll fall in love with in your 20s.

1. A complete stranger. 

It'll be the cute guy with the perfect hair you see on the bus, or the girl whose carefully-edited Instagram lures you into thinking you really know who she is, or the sales rep who you swear always flirts with you when they make the rounds to your office. It could be anyone, someone whose coffee you accidentally grabbed for at the shop, someone who interacted with a tweet once, someone who you saw in a restaurant and imagined a whole future with in 5 seconds, only as long as you keep them at a distance. This is crucial. You might never see them again, or you might see them under the circumstances that you can't make a move to be something more. But you'll unload all your craziest fantasies onto them without their ever knowing, both because it's less of a burden for you to carry, all of these goals and no one to share them with, turns into all these goals with a make-believe someone else, and because it's less of a risk. You never have to put your heart on the line. You can love from afar. And even unreciprocated love is real. But it's not sustainable, and you'll have to give them back their stranger status eventually, even if you felt like you knew them inside and out. You never did. They were never yours to know. Your idea of them was the only thing you had a right to love. 

2. Someone who could have been.

This can happen frequently now that we live in a world where our memories are preserved forever online. You'll see someone's name pop up on Facebook, or in a throwback photo or at a reunion, and you'll wonder. What could have gone differently? What would you have to do differently to keep them in your life, to keep the relationship going, or to have a relationship at all? And when your 20s are a crazy whirlwind of ups and downs, it seems like a great escape to revert back to your past, and what was once familiar and safe. This is not where you grow, however. Sure, sometimes you realize someone's been under your nose the whole time, but not always. Life isn't a Hollywood romantic comedy, and often, people were left in your past for a reason. Playing a game of could-have-been is an endless free fall. See what lies ahead. You know what could have been, but you don't know yet what could be. And that surprise is magical. 

3. Someone who could give you everything.

You will fall in love with them in the abstract way, that you love the idea of who they are, of where they've been and what they've achieved, because you'll either want to follow in their footsteps, or glean off their success. It's natural to do the latter; in your 20s, you're still young and starry-eyed despite your crappy walk-up, and going on a date with your boyfriend with a Ferrari seems like the way to beat the system. But beyond the material, you'll also fall in love with a boss you really admire, or a mentor whose career you'd love to learn from, and you'll realize that falling in love is not always romantic. Sometimes, it's just fuel. Sometimes it helps remind you why you need to keep pushing to achieve your goals. Sometimes it's just a sign that the path you're on is the right one. (Just don't get inappropriately moon-eyed around your boss. That's weird.) 

4. Your best friend.

Your early adulthood is going to be cold and quiet and lonely at times, and you're going to wonder how it is that people meet other people, and you'll reach out and latch onto the few people who you already have in your life. You'll never want to let go, and you don't have to. Help each other move into crappy apartments and eat pizza on the floor before you unpack. Call each other and text each other and chat each other off the record and snapchat ugly faces and cling as tightly to one another as you possibly can. Learn what it's like to worry about another person so unconditionally that you can tell they're having a bad day just by the length of their texts. Have people wonder if you're actually in a real relationship, but know that this is the truest relationship either of you have ever been in (and that this is not a bad thing). We say best friends are forever in school, and we test these notions in college, but it's in your 20s that you learn the true depth of being in love with your best friend. 

5. Yourself.

At the very least, I really hope you do. Everyone deserves to know what it's like to know that someone loves them just as they are in that moment. It doesn't mean anything less, and sometimes, it even means more, if that person is you.

untitled

You are a good person. And I'm in awe of this immediately. It makes me nervous. How kind you are, and how honest. How pure-of-heart, as they say. There's no white horse, no dazzling suit of armor, just your soft voice and quiet footsteps. Your kind eyes and slow, deliberate smile. I spent those first few months just watching you, wondering what to make of you. Suspended in a thick, buoyant tangle of my own bewilderment.

Why the Sky is Blue

"Do you know why the sky is blue?"
"Because the sky reflects the color of the sea,"
He laughed and said, "When the sunlight enters atmosphere, it works like prism, the lights are scattered in colors. But the blue light is scattered more than the others, and that's why see a blue sky."

He's been busy lately, with work and struggle to get promoted. And I also have been busy hunting for jobs, it's like a never ending activity since I started last month. I've been shooting so many arrows but none of them have landed on the moon yet, not even stars. It's quite a tough time for both of us, but we manage to create our own happiness by phone calls at night, talking about stuff, forgetting the problems and just embracing the moment. That's why we need each other. I love it when he tells me stuff. Science, animals, politics, religion, everything. Then I find myself browsing through the news and articles on NatGeo page. Call me a nerd, because it's what I really am. I love books so much but there's a time when I feel like reading non-fictions like the articles on NatGeo. You should read them too. It's incredible and amazing to learn something new, and important too. It's another way to remind myself that my problems are so insignificant compared to God's gifts. Knowledge is power, knowledge is sexy they said. Well, even though I can just ask Google, most times I prefer to ask my fiance because he's my living Wiki and it becomes my habit to bring the "geek" out of him. I wish someday he would tell our son or daughter why the sky is blue. :)

One Step Closer

Hey everyone! Guess what..

I just got engaged! ^^

Oh wow.. 

I have to start with a big, sincere thank you for all the heartfelt congratulations! We're completely overwhelmed by the outpouring of well wishes, and million thanks to those who came to the engagement ceremony. Thankyouthankyouthankyou!!

When he proposed, I undoubtedly said yes. Now I'm staring at this ring..I can say that, yes, this most definitely is it. He's the one, Mr. Right, the whole package. Everything I always, always knew I wanted..only better.

When people hear that we're engaged, there's an inevitable follow-up question: "Wait...how old are you again?" And when we say that we're 25, the reaction is almost always the same: "Wow," they say, eyebrows raised, surprised. "You're so young."

It's true. We are. And for a long time, as in, my entire life, I imagined that I'd be single right now. I imagined that at 25 I'd be single, living in some place, and nowhere near marriage. I imagined that I'd be living with my girlfriends and pretending that I was Carrie Bradshaw, minus the wardrobe. Instead, though, I met the most incredible person I've ever known. And my girlfriends, we're not living together though. They're spread out across the country. Some are married, engaged and others are single, and hardly any of us are where we expected to be..in Sabah or in life.

I understand that marrying young isn't for some people, I really do. Truth is, I thought it wasn't for me, either. There's something to be said for waiting, for focusing on your friends and your career and dating throughout your life so that by the time you run into that one person, you never have to question it. I believe in that theory, and if I hadn't met Ifo, I'd probably be living it.

I did meet him, though, so any kind of life plan I'd ever created for myself bent and unfolded to allow room for him, for us. And still, I'm always sort of shocked to see how much of my life has gone the way I'd thought it might. I followed the path I set out for myself, and that never really ceases to amaze me.

There are certainly upsides and downsides to marrying young. The most common "downside" is true: in every decision you make, you have another person to consider. In that sense, yes, there's less individual freedom. But to me, I feel sort of blessed to consider Ifo. I feel blessed that there's someone in this world who means so much to me that I want to match my life to his.

A stranger, actually, is the person who said it best, I think. A woman shared her experience on marrying young. "I'd have given anything to share all that extra time with the love of my life," she said. "To share all those extra years, all those experiences in your twenties that shape you forever. You're lucky."

Extra time together, that's how she put it. Lovely, don't you think? Well, 25 is not really young though. Lol.

Well, even if it's cliche, even if it sounds cheesy and ridiculous and totally scripted, I've honestly never felt freer in my life. Because real love, the best kind of love, makes you feel free to be yourself. Free to let go, hold on, take risks, and move forward. Free to be wildly, absurdly happy. And I am. I really, really am. :)

If You Love Something, Set It Free

If I knew that there's a happy ending at the end, I wouldn't be afraid of letting go. But that "if" strikes untold fear into me. But then again…I guess that's what love is…you love them anyway, despite the fear of pain. ;)

Perfect, Sweet-Filled Birthday

3rd October 2014 was my 24th birthday. And, inevitably, I find myself considering where I am, where I've been..whether I'm who I expected to be at this age, whether I'm doing what I expected to do. Truth is: I am and I'm not. Some things have fallen right into place, right where I always imagined they would. Other things, though, have been surprises. Good and bad ones. But all of it, I'm very happy to say, feels right. As if it's inevitable. Certain, in the most wonderful of ways. And if I have one wish for 24, it'll be holding on to that. The feeling that everything, even the unexpected, is just as it should be.

When asked how I wanted to spend my birthday, I said I just wanted to spend it with the ones I love. Just like in the past. I didn't expect any cakes, gifts or celebration. But actually that's what I really got.....

After having a movie night (Anabelle..stupid creepy doll) and sleepover (it's been soooooo long since high school) with my girls (Farah and Jana) at Farah's place, Ifo took me out for a date on my birthday. It's a simple, lovely date; just me and him, watching Dracula Untold (awesome movie!), eating pizza, talking and talking and laughing. And hey, I got new books! If I stay and Where She Went, both by Gayle Forman. 

Two days after my birthday, we went out again, with other friends this time. It was raining heavily outside and I thought that something hot or soupy would be nice, so I suggested to eat at Natural Kitchen. But Ifo insisted to go to Secret Recipe, so we did. When we got there, Selvin and Russel were already waiting at the table. They hadn't ordered anything but plain water. Then Ifo excused himself to call Jasper outside, so we waited for them while browsing the menus. 

Few minutes later, Ifo and the rest appeared at the stairs; Ifo (playing ukulele), Desmond (holding a cake), Jasper, Mark and Carol. They're all singing out loud a Happy Birthday song, clapping..and I was....oh my God, I was so speechless, so surprised..I didn't know what to say. I just laughed and felt touched and ashamed at the same time. Touched, because I didn't expect any of those and it's been so long since I had that kind of surprise celebration..embarrassed, because everybody in the restaurant was looking at me and clapping along. Suddenly I became the centre of attention. Lol. It was all Ifo's idea..he'd been planning everything for almost a week, he brought The Baks and Wonder Women (girls group consisting me, Carol, Nelly, Fytt and Etha, but only Carol available that day) together as a team to celebrate my birthday. How nice! They even made a secret group chat to discuss the whole things. 

It was so sweet and wonderful. Thank you, everyone..thank you so much for surprising me good, I owe you guys a big time. I'm so grateful to have you guys in my life. And darling Ifo, I can't thank you enough..I love you. :)

post-sleepover

I'm a happy birthday girl

the cake was awesome

my sweethearts

I love you ^^

Two Against the World

read my review in Goodreads

I began reading fiction in high school, I remember feeling that each book was an absolute revelation. Whether I was reading Jane Austen or Jodi Picoult or John Green, there had never been anything like it before in my life. The novel's novelty passes, of course. I'm 24 now. I've read so many books. 

But I've never seen anything quite like Eleanor & Park. Though I've wrote the review in Goodreads, I still want to blog about it. It's Rainbow Rowell's first novel for young adults which is a beautiful, haunting love story, but I've seen those. It's set in 1986, the year I hadn't born yet but I know there's bullying, sibling rivalry, salvation through music and comics, a monstrous stepparent, and I know, we've seen all this stuff. But you've never seen Eleanor & Park. Its observational precision and richness make for very special reading.

Eleanor is a chubby girl with bright red hair (kids on the bus call her Big Red) who has just returned to her home in Omaha, after being kicked out for a year and forced to stay with acquaintances. Every moment Eleanor is home is terrifying and claustrophobic. She shares a room with a mess of siblings and lives in constant fear of offending her abusive alcoholic stepfather, Richie. She's also poor, she can't afford a toothbrush or batteries for her Walkman.

Park is a half-Korean boy who's passably popular but separated from the larger social order of his school both by his race and by his passion for comic books and punk rock music. On the 1st day of school, Eleanor sits down next to him on the bus. Over time, she begins reading his comics over his shoulder. Then he lends them to her. They bond over music. Eventually, they begin holding hands on the rides to and from school.

The hand-holding, by the way, is intense. 

"Holding Eleanor's hand was like holding a butterfly. Or a heartbeat."

Evocative sensual descriptions are everywhere in this novel, but they always feel true to the characters. Eleanor describes Park's trench coat as smelling "like Irish Spring and a little bit like potpourri and like something she couldn't describe any other way than boy." 

Park watches Eleanor's mouth so closely that he "could see that her lips had freckles, too." 

After Eleanor criticizes him for saying she looks nice, Park thinks: "Eleanor was right: She never looked nice. She looked like art, and art wasn’t supposed to look nice; it was supposed to make you feel something." 

Every romance has its obstacle: I have another boyfriend, my parents say we can't, you're a vampire and I,m not, etc... But the obstacle in Eleanor & Park is simply the world. The world can't stomach a relationship between a good-looking Korean and Big Red. The world can't allow Eleanor a boyfriend of any kind, because she's poor and fat and dresses funny. The world can't allow Park a girlfriend because he likes wearing eyeliner and everyone knows that's gay. The world's the obstacle, as it always is when you're 16 and truly in love. Park's parents serve as evidence that sometimes love conquers the world, and Eleanor's family is a reminder that sometimes it doesn't. As for Eleanor and Park.....well, I won't spoil it.

Early in the novel, Park’s English teacher asks him why Romeo and Juliet has survived 400 years. With Eleanor looking on, Park says: "Because people want to remember what it’s like to be young? And in love?" After a moment, he adds, "Is that right?"

It is.

Isn't So Hard to Find

If your heart is hurt, it can be healed again.

Here's proof: There are couples overflowing with joy. Grateful to have found each other. I call it a miracle that's meant to be.

Before forever, of course, there's fear. Fear that we'll never find the one. Fear that the longing we feel is just a phantom itch without an object. We long for someone. It's a very real and specific someone that we don't know yet. Experience hasn't given form to them. We don't know their hobbies, the things they like, the way they eat, the way they like their coffee. We don't know who. And yet we wait.

And then one day, you walk into a place and find love. Despite the tears and all the time, it feels sudden. It's so surprising that all it took was this one moment. A moment that will forever separate the "before" and "after." Really, that's all we're waiting for..just one. One moment. One person.

Which isn't so many, isn't so impossible, isn't so hard to find. :)

Worth Fighting For

What makes a song beautiful is not always the quality of the voice but the distance that voice has had to travel. - Unfinished Song, 2012

Have you watched Unfinished Song (formerly known as Song For Marion)? The film's may be too old for me, but I love it. It's partly inspired by Young@Heart and starring Vanessa Redgrave (Marion), Terrence Stamp (Arthur) and Gemma Arterton (Elizabeth). 

Arthur's a bad-tempered person who sees no value in his wife's participation in elderly choir directed by Elizabeth. As soon as you see Marion sitting on a wheelchair, head covered, you know she's suffering from cancer which is declared terminal by her doctor. And so it happens. She faints during rehearsal, is taken to hospital and is told by doctor to go home and have as much chips and ice cream as she wants since she only has weeks to live. But Marion only wants one thing: to go back to the choir and sing. Despite Arthur's grumpy protestations, as he's being overprotective and really wants to spend as much time with her as possible, Marion returns to rehearsals as the choir prepares to participate in the auditions for a national choral competition. She performs one final song during the audition, True Colors by Cindy Lauper, which is about her relationship to Arthur. And honestly, tears streaming down my face while watching her singing that song. So Marion dies. Right after Marion's death, he decides to shut his only son, whom he has never gotten along, out of his life, even though that means he won't be able to see his cute granddaughter, no matter how fond Arthur is of her. I guess that's what happen when you lose someone you really love, you just want to be alone. Arthur comes to grips with his wife's death and of course, eventually finding the courage to join the choir and sing. At the competition, Arthur sings his heart out with a song that equally expresses his feelings for Marion, Goodnight My Angel by Billy Joel. And it makes me cry once again.

All in all, Unfinished Song is a heartwarming music drama with some beautifully bittersweet musical moments that bring tears of joy and sorrow. It's these moments that really bring the film to life, anchoring and capturing the essence of these complex beings. 

There's something about old couples that makes me realize someone can love you forever. I saw a couple the other day when I was walking down the street. They're old, wrinkled. Watching the way they were with each other, made it seem like they were young. The woman's laughing so hard she had to stop in the middle of the sidewalk to catch her breath. And the man's holding her hand, so sweet, as though whatever enormous life that exists behind them is brand new and fresh when they're together, a blank slate. They held hands the entire time. Then I remembered the time when my late grandparents were still alive, they really loved each other. When my grandfather passed away, my grandmother kept talking about him every single day. Like, "if your grandfather were here..." Well, she passed away last year. May they both rest in peace.

I wish that me and my future husband will always love each other even we become old and grumpy. InsyaAllah. :)

Well, music has a way of getting to the heart. So here's the scene of Arthur singing Goodnight My Angel:

Goodnight, my angel

Time to close your eyes

And save these questions for another day

I think I know what you've been asking me

I think you know what I've been trying to say

I promised I would never leave you

And you should always know

Wherever you may go

No matter where you are

I never will be far away

Goodnight, my angel

Now it's time to sleep

And still so many things I want to say

Remember all the songs you sang for me

When we went sailing on an emerald bay

And like a boat out on the ocean

I'm rocking you to sleep

The water's dark

And deep inside this ancient heart

You'll always be a part of me

Goodnight, my angel

Now it's time to dream

And dream how wonderful your life will be

Someday your child may cry

And if you sing this lullaby

Then in your heart

There will always be a part of me

Someday we'll all be gone

But lullabies go on and on

They never die

That's how you and I

Will be

Mama

Moms are great. 

And we should celebrate them every day of the year. 

Because every day is Mother's Day, when it comes to the person who gave you life. 

You're continually amazed by how much love a mom can have, and how much she gives every day. 

You never forget the sacrifices she made for you. 

And now that you're a little bit older, you understand that even though she could be tough, she only wanted the best for you. 

And all you ever wanted was to make her proud and to make her smile. 

She taught you how to be a good person and that it's the little, everyday gestures that really matter. 

So make sure you're always there for the ones who were there for you from the start. 

Happy Mother's Day. ^^

Stick with Someone not Good Enough

Why do you still stick around when you know that he's abusive, manipulative, lying, boring, insensitive and selfish? Why do you still choose him when you don't even love him anymore? You still choose him because he chose you. That makes you feel better about yourself already. Right? But if he's not good enough, he's not the best that you can get, then why still stay? Why don't you break away from him and this relationship already?

Because you think that there's a binary relationship between him and loneliness; it's either him or loneliness. And you think you can't deal with loneliness. Or you don't wanna deal with loneliness. You don't wanna be alone because you don't know what to expect from it. You've been in a relationship for such a long time it feels unusual to not have someone to call or text all the time. It's weird to not have someone in mind to think about to get that fuzzy feeling in your chest. It's boring to not have someone to miss or buy things for when you go shopping. There's no someone to remind you that you're special too.

So to not risk throwing yourself into confusion, you choose to stay with him. And then you make yourself think that he's good enough albeit all his imperfections. That he's the best for you. So you tolerate all the little things in the relationship. You try to accept his flaws. You try to accept how he never makes you feel completely safe, you then think that you're the one going crazy, you're the one being insecure about things. You try to accept the lack of trust in the relationship, you think you two need to let time heal the wounds.

You become okay with knowing that he's not 100% in the game. That he's not as committed, passionate or forthcoming as before. That he thinks about things but doesn't really share them with you. You're unhappy because you feel jealous. You feel that many other things seem to be taking him away from you. The only time you feel secure is when you sit down with him and look him straight in the eyes, and know that he's there. That he's also looking back, at you and only you. That moment's perfect. That moment's what you think you only need. There and then, you know that he's yours. But those moments never last. When he's gone from your side, you begin to go through those images in your head and sieve out the ones you doubt. And you start to question: Why's he not texting me? Is he really so busy at work? When's the last time he said "I love you" to me? Why's he not asking about how's my day so far? 

Obviously, that moment's not enough. It's not all that you need. And so you help him with excuses. Because you rather face his hot-and-cold temperament, his inconsistency in things, his lack of initiative, and his lack of pride in you, than to face loneliness. You help him with excuses to feel better about it all. You tell yourself he loves you. You shouldn't have to. You tell yourself you're the most important thing in his life. He should be telling you this himself. Now and then, now and then.

You choose a love that's "not that bad" because of its consistency. But consistency can be a bad thing too, it means that things will never change. You expect him to change. But the truth is, he will never change for you. But at least it's better than loneliness, huh? Decide now. 

Just because someone desires you, does not mean that they value you.
Read it over.
Again.
Let those words resonate in your mind.

On Broken Hearts

I find few things quite so nice as a person with a broken heart. Don't get me wrong. It sounds strange, I know. But when someone's brokenhearted, they're laid open, at their most raw, their most vulnerable. Walls crumble, having no reason to protect what's already been shattered, and the person's real essence rises to the surface.

I, too, have been brokenhearted. And, well, truth is, I sometimes miss who I was then. No, I don't miss the desperation. I don't miss being the girl who moved through days as a shell of a person, a shadow of her former self. I don't miss the dull ache, the feeling of walking in a haze, the sensation of being in pieces, in fragile, sharp-edged pieces I didn't recognize.

What I miss is the fearlessness that emerged from the ruins. That feeling of having nothing, nothing at all, to lose. When your heart's broken, you find and embrace an intimacy with yourself, a closeness to your own spirit, a kind self-love that you can later forget to nourish. And in those most gut-wrenching hours of my own heartache, I remember turning inward, and to music, and to literature, toward any place where I knew I'd feel understood. Where I could find, if not the answers, then at least the most important and most compelling questions.

Now, though, on the other side of this, with a heart restored and reshaped and rediscovered, I'm struck by my own desire to revisit that girl. To remember how she felt and uncover once again what seemed so true and tender about her in those broken moments. And also, to let her know that the pieces will eventually come together quite brilliantly. That she has nothing to worry about.

مآ أجمّل أنْ تصمتْ

فيْ ؤجهْ منْ ينتظرْ منِك الخِصَام 

وما أجمل أنْ تضحك

فيْ وجهْ منْ يُنتظرْ منك البكـاءْ

How beautiful it is to stay silent

When someone expects you to be enraged from them.

And how beautiful it is to laugh

When someone thinks you are going to shed tears.

Light as Air

Recently, life has been a bit of a whirlwind. A good whirlwind, to be sure, but a whirlwind nonetheless. Last weekend left me calm and rejuvenated. Refreshed. Outdoor brunch, an all-day barbecue at the river, hangout at playground, and friends who bring out my truest self. We faced the sun and ate barbecued chickens and ate pickles and welcomed life with open arms. And something within or above or around me lifted, loosened, so that now I'm feeling light as air.

It's the new weekend and life is good, you know? Life is just so damn good.

our picnic spot

Kibambangan River

dipping in cold river

glad to have him 

brothers

the chefs

Well, I know it's the month of love. But I'm not a valentine's day person because I'm not celebrating it, but everyone can celebrate love anytime. Let's celebrate all kinds of love everyday, shall we? Romantic love, yes, but also friendship and the love of our families, our acquaintances, our old loves and new loves, puppy loves and forever loves. The love of words, of sunshine, of fresh flowers sitting on the windowsill. And let's not forget to show love, too, to those we care about and also to ourselves. Also, let us not forget self-love.

And thank you so much for all the love you've shown this little blog over the years.

Have a blast weekend. ^^

Bits of Wisdom

SPF 4 doesn't count. In fact, it probably contains more oil than sun protection.

It's worth keeping every movie ticket you've ever had, you'll want them someday.

It really, truly is okay to say no. Saying yes isn't always an option.

Parents are right almost all the time, so you may as well listen and learn.

Giving 100% to work or school is great, but you should give the same to friends.

You have to open up and seek out the joy, joy doesn't find you.

If he wants to be with you "in a couple years", move on. Love shouldn't have to be planned.

Friends will move away, you'll move away, and somehow, you'll be closer than ever.

The best kind of love is when you both put the other on a pedestal.

Have a great weekend. :)