Moving On Without Letting Go

My contract as a substitute teacher has come to an end. It was a bittersweet farewell.

Letting go of people and places I love has never been easy for me. In fact, it's always been one of my biggest challenges. I've just never understood how you're supposed to be able to say goodbye to someplace or someone you love or have loved with every piece of yourself. I know, of course, that it isn't possible to hold on to everything you've ever cared about, but that's never quite stopped me from trying. 

It's just that I tend to think of my life in chapters and it isn't as if you keep reading and just forget what happened on the previous page. No. You hold on to every important character and setting from the beginning of the story because you just know that in some later chapter there'll be some epiphany and you'll better understand their significance. You never forget about those first people or moments because they're the undercurrent of everything to come. 

So maybe it's not really about "letting go" at all. Maybe it's about acknowledging who, what and where you've loved and appreciating that they've led you to the page you're on now. Maybe it's not about forgetting, but about letting those people and places nestle themselves in some corner of your heart so that down the line, when you encounter that climactic scene that gives meaning to the entire story, you can smile to yourself as you realize that it's them who brought you here, to this place, to this person you've become. 

The school..it's the same school I went in 2003 until 2007. As someone who gets, well, more than a little nostalgic for the places I love, I've kept my distance from it since college. That school's at the center of so many of my most special memories, and I thought it'd be best to rip off the band-aid and never look back. A quick, clean goodbye. Turns out, that wasn't the case. I returned as a teacher and I got attached again. 

How refreshing, and what a relief, not to ache for what you used to have and where you used to be. It's taken me a long, long time to learn that you don't have to miss something to make it mean something. A place or a person can be important to you without pining for it, and moving on, it doesn't have to be dismissive. There are different shades of letting go. 

I miss my students and fellow teachers. Thanks for the memories. See you again next time!

A Tribute

I'm the type of person who cries when sad. I tear up at scenes in books that break my heart. I tear up at plays, or movies, or real life situations. 

Death strikes me as a random occurrence. It picks us arbitrarily, and when it does, it has a million different faces. It's something to accept, because it's a fact of life, but difficult to swallow, because of the side effect of it: Loss. We do not lose easily. Losing makes us go crazy. We're not meant to lose. We're geared for success, all of us. It's in our DNA, our survival mechanism and the resultant pride in it. But loss is also there for us, at any stage in life. And we must learn to cope with it.

Do you know Dean Potter, the BASE jumper who spent his lifetime trying to fly? He feared death, but continued leaping, tight-roping, living his dream of safe flight, until May 16, 2015, the day he smashed to his death against a notch in a route he knew well. His friend Graham Hunt was with him; both were known to be safe, experienced flyers. Both died in the quest for flight. There's risk, and they accepted it.

How about the climbers and guides that died at Mount Kinabalu after the earthquake? Especially those children..I'm sure they're aware of the risks. Or maybe they're too young to know the risks. But they climbed anyway and I salute that. Because I think that's the gift of youth; not knowing to be afraid. Not knowing that you're stronger than you know you are. And I defend this right to discover the horizons beyond.

They were student leaders. They were developing talents, also developing characters. What's a leader who doesn't know his/her strengths and limits? What's a leader not forced out of his/her comfort zone? What's a leader not brought to the edge and taught to jump? That's why as students, they strive for the challenging and prestigious journeys. From the reports, not a single one of the students didn't look forward to the trip. This speaks highly of their eagerness to serve, of their courage and willingness to test their boundaries, displaying the same spirit that Dean Potter and Graham Hunt did throughout life. This makes their deaths more tragic. And yet, in their quest for betterment, I find myself respecting them more.

And of the teachers..their enthusiasm and willingness to defend the children, to sacrifice themselves is incredibly touching and heartbreaking in its heroism. More will be said about them as adults, but less will be known, at the same time. What will remain is the impact they've made on their friends, family, and by extension, those of us reading their stories.

Rest in peace. The climbers and the guides. I don't know any of you, probably would never have met any of you in this life, and will never cross paths with you now. But I feel the loss. The world weeps for, honors, and loves you.

I find the words of Dean Potter's ex-wife Stephanie Davis comforting today. On a wingsuit jump together, Stephanie jumped ahead of her husband. He didn't land, Stephanie did.

"I want to tell you what it feels like to fly. If you could, you would stay forever. I was in front, and he jumped right behind me. When I landed, he wasn't there. When someone disappears in a wingsuit, it means one thing. Through the excruciating hours of searching, I already knew I wouldn't see him again. I've been a full-time climber for 20 years, and I know how to endure. No one's going to get you off the mountain but you. Crying is just a waste of water. And by extension, I used this way to deal with adversity in real life. Lost your job, lost your husband, dog died? Slam in the ice tools and keep going! But enduring is really about being numb. It's about choking off all possible emotion, it's about getting the job done instead of falling apart and giving up. I thought about walking to the top of a cliff without my parachute and stepping off. It's not like I don't know how to jump off a cliff, and in Moab we have plenty of them. Leaving is final, but understanding that staying is not final really took the pressure off and made it possible for me to just keep going one minute at a time. So at first, I did what I know how to do; I endured. After a couple of months, I started to see the difference between endurance and resilience. Endurance is about holding on, resilience is about letting go. Most things in life, you don't get to choose. Most things in life, you'll never see coming. Most things in life, you don't get to keep. There's no way to avoid risk in real life, imagining you can is just wishful thinking. Nothing stays the same. Endurance works, but you can do better. What you can do is choose resilience, no matter what. I stood at the edge of a vast canyon in Arizona, I thought about the last time I flew in another life. I opened my arms and pushed off. The air filled my wings and it was all there. Freedom, wonder, pain, mystery, magic, joy. I want it all, I choose it all, I choose to fly."

Once again, Rest in peace. You will live on in our memories and in our actions, as we strive to lead our lives in the same spirit that you all have demonstrated. To those alive, may you also be at peace, and may you be resilient, for there is still this world out there for you to explore.

It's Okay to be Messy

I'm guilty of wearing masks. Specifically, the lovely, I've got it all figured out.

It's easier to slap on a smile, put up a pretty photo, write a few words, and be done. Easy to blog a session or write about what's good, instead of what's hard. Easy to put on a face and skim the surface instead of being real and honest and raw. Easy to make it seem like my life's less than messy, more like a picture perfect magazine rather than being filled with grittiness and real things like staying up too late working and getting behind on deadlines and being insecure.

I want to be honest and real. I don't want to appear like I have it all together or because I'm doing so and so, I'm somehow "better" or "cooler" or "more professional." or I've somehow reached "that point" (whatever it is, it doesn't really exist), where I've got it all figured out. Because that's so far from the truth. :)

So. Here's the truth...

I still get nervous before every session.

I care too much what people think and struggle with my identity.

I fear I don't measure up.

I focus on my fears instead of resting in God's truth and promises.

I get stuck between pushing myself and being proud of myself.

I have trouble believing in myself.

I feel like I'm faking it and won't ever make it.

I struggle with punctuality and diligence every single day.

But there's grace in the midst of those real things. And I don't have it all together. Not by a long shot. But I'm learning. I'm growing. I'm learning to let go of my perfectionism and to be confident in the gifts I've been given and use them to the best of my abilities...that doesn't mean I get a free pass to beat myself up if I "mess up" or don't meet my own expectations. There's a difference between pushing ourselves to be better and ignoring the strengths and gifts we do have, because we fear we don't measure up.

And I fear I don't measure up all the time. Because of my age. Because of where I'm at. Because I can't drive yet. Because I don't have ____ or ____(whatever it may be). Because I did or didn't receive this many comments (yes, even silly things like that). Because I'm not a permanent teacher. Because I don't work out everyday or eat totally green and on and on.

But none of that matters. That's not where my identity lies. I can find joy and I can find who I am in the things of this world or I can embrace who I am in this beautifully messy life I've been given.

Here's the deal. It's easy to reach a certain point and think that we've got it made. Whatever it is..that we'll be good. That all our insecurities and fears will go away and somehow we'll live in this overwhelming confidence. And those things are not necessarily bad..in fact, they can be really good! But when we start basing our identity in where we're at instead of who we are, then we lose the heart behind what we do and who we truly are.

I struggle with my identity. I get nervous around other teachers and students, bloggers, and well, sometimes just people in general. I'm afraid that I don't measure up. I worry about whether people will like me and I put too much stock in what other people's opinions of me are, instead of being confident in who I am. And it's an everyday choice for me to focus not on what the world says, but what God says. That I don't have it all together and that's okay. I don't have to be perfect. It's okay to be messy.

One Night at Circus

The finest of pleasures are always the unexpected ones. - Erin M., The Night Circus

The Great British Circus is in town!!! 

I went to the circus with my friends on Saturday night at Likas Sport Complex. It was my first experience ever and it's truly amazing! Oh what's not to love? There were funny clowns, acrobats, wheel of death, globe of death, flying trapeze, etc. Mesmerizing! You should pay a visit too! It's worth every penny. Even now it brings a big smile to my face. Plus, we got the chance to greet and take pictures with the performers. They're so friendly! 

The fun didn't just stop there because we headed to Escapee after having some McDonald. Yes, we played the escape game again! Since we're still in the mood of circus, we chose to play in The Circus room. It's the hardest among all the rooms. We challenged ourselves to win or break the record. But damn, we lost the game. We're already at the end of the puzzles, we're on the verge of the last door but we ran out of time and didn't make it. I think if we had 10 more minutes or so, we could win. You see, fighting against time is one of the hardest battle in the world. Time couldn't be kept at bay huh. Still, we had so much fun!!

Escape and Evade

Yay! My friends and I got a chance to play escape game at Escapee, KK! There are 3 different rooms: The Circus, Time Travel and Prison Break. We chose Prison Break. We had to solve a series of puzzles to escape the room within 1 hour.

First of all, 1 hour goes ungodly fast when you're in an escape game. You know all of those times when you wished that time would go faster? You never have that problem in these games. By the time the clock is running down you'll be begging for more minutes like you've never begged before.

Secondly, the puzzles challenge your brain in ways that not many attractions can offer. You're forced to think and work with your team to solve challenges that you don't normally face. We did so hard to try to figure out the locks combinations in order to unveil the next clue.

We had a complete blast playing this room as it was challenging enough to keep you completely engrossed in the game play, but not challenging enough to be discouraging. We learned a lot in our first escape game experience, including the fact that you really need to work as a team in order to be successful. Another thing we came to realize is that you can't look at the same object for too long. It's a waste of time! Get fresh eyes to look at something if you're stuck. They were inventive and really made us think outside the box, which was very fun. The clues led to a code to unlock the next step of your game, but how the clues were put together was totally different, so it was lucky that we had some "geniuses" in our team.

It's not easy, but we made it! We escaped the room in 52 minutes, just 8 minutes before the time's up. Ultimately, it's a great way to spend time with friends. And teamwork is the key. We had so much fun. It tests your intellect without making you feel stupid. We'll definitely be coming back to play again!

A Piece of Corn

I remember being endlessly entertained by the adventures of my Lego toys. Some days they died violently, other days they traveled to space. I didn't understand why it's fun for me, it just was. But as I grew older, it became harder to access that imaginary space. I remember looking at them and feeling sort of frustrated and confused that things weren't the same. I could no longer connect to my toys in a way that allowed me to participate in the experience. Depression feels almost exactly like that. 

I had a depression once. I had always wanted to not give a damn about anything. I viewed feelings as a weakness, annoying obstacles on my quest for total power over myself. And I finally didn't have to feel them anymore. But my experiences slowly flattened and blended together until it became obvious that there's a huge difference between not giving a damn and not being able to give a damn. You might know that different things are happening to you, but they don't feel very different. Which leads to boredom. 

I tried to get out more, but most fun activities just left me confused or frustrated with my inability to enjoy them. Days oozed by, and I came to accept that maybe enjoyment was not a thing I got to feel anymore. I didn't want anyone to know, though. I was still sort of uncomfortable about how bored and detached I felt around other people, and I was still holding out hope that the whole thing would spontaneously work itself out. As long as I could manage to not alienate anyone, everything might be okay.

However, I couldn't rely on genuine emotion to generate facial expressions, and alienating people was inevitable. Everyone noticed. It's weird for people who still have feelings to be around depressed people. They try to help you so things can go back to normal, and it's frustrating for them when that doesn't happen. From their perspective, it seems like there has got to be some untapped source of happiness within you that you've simply lost track of, and if you could just see how beautiful things are...

I tried to explain that it's not really negativity or sadness anymore, it's more just this detached, meaningless fog where you can't feel anything about anything, even the things you love, even fun things, and you're bored and lonely, but since you've lost your ability to connect with any of the things that would normally make you feel less bored and lonely, you're stuck in the boring, lonely, meaningless void without anything to distract you from how boring, lonely, and meaningless it is. 

But people want to help. So they try harder to make you feel hopeful and positive about the situation. You explain it again; like maybe you wanna be depressed. And it keeps going like that until you're having this weird argument where you're trying to convince the person that you're far too hopeless for hope just so they'll give up on their optimism crusade and let you go back to feeling bored and lonely by yourself. And that's the most frustrating thing about depression. It isn't always something you can fight back against with hope. It isn't even something, it's nothing. And you can't combat nothing. You can't fill it up. You can't cover it. It's just there, pulling the meaning out of everything. 

It'd be like having a bunch of dead fish, but no one around you will acknowledge that the fish are dead. Instead, they offer to help you look for the fish or try to help you figure out why they died. The problem might not even have a solution. But you aren't necessarily looking for solutions. You're maybe just looking for someone to say "sorry about how dead your fish are" or "wow, those are super dead. I still like you, though." 

I started spending more time alone. But I somehow managed to convince myself that everything was still under my control. Yet there I was, casually wishing that I could stop existing in the same way you'd want to leave an empty room. It felt like I had been dragging myself through the most miserable, endless wasteland, and, far in the distance, I had seen the promising glimmer of a slightly less miserable wasteland. And for just a moment, I thought maybe I'd be able to stop and rest. But as soon as I arrived at the border of the less miserable wasteland, I found out that I'd have to turn around and walk back the other way. 

There's no comfortable way to inform other people that you're depressed. I didn't want it to be a big deal. I was also ill-prepared for the position of comforting people. The things that seemed reassuring at the time weren't necessarily comforting for others. I had so very few feelings, and everyone else had so many, and it felt like they were having all of them in front of me at once. And every direction was bull**** for a really long time. The absurdity of working so hard to continue doing something you don't like can be overwhelming. And the longer it takes to feel different, the more it starts to seem like everything might actually be hopeless. 

I had not been able to care for a very long time, and when I finally started being able to care about things again, I hated them. But hatred is technically a feeling, and my brain latched onto it like a child learning a new word. Thankfully, I rediscovered crying just before I got sick of hating things. I call this emotion crying and not sadness because that's all it really was. Just crying for the sake of crying. At some point during this phase, I was crying at the corner of my room for no reason. I was staring straight ahead at nothing in particular and feeling sort of weird about myself. Then, through the film of tears and nothingness, I spotted a tiny, shriveled piece of corn under the desk. And I laughed. That piece of corn was funny and I can't explain to anyone why it's funny. I don't even know why. I mean, the way the corn was sitting on the floor, under my dressing desk..it was so alone..and I didn't know how it got there.

Anyway, I wanted to end this on a hopeful, positive note, so, I'll just say this: Nobody can guarantee that it's gonna be okay, but..and I don't know if this will be comforting to anyone else..the possibility exists that there's a piece of corn on a floor somewhere that will make you just as confused about why you're laughing as you've ever been about why you're depressed. And even if everything still seems like hopeless, maybe it's just pointless or weird. I don't know. But when you're concerned that the miserable, boring wasteland in front of you might stretch all the way into forever, not knowing would feel strangely hopeful. So yeah, I've learned a lot and everything becomes alright, eventually. 

Music and Memory

I've always been a music person. I mean, I'm not a musician but I really love music. Everyone's a music person, of course, but there have been phases of my life when music seemed to take center stage, when I listened to it so often that silence felt rare and sort of strange. When I listened to it so often that I found myself thinking in verse, bridge, chorus. Sometimes I feel that every moment deserves its own song, its own lyrics, and still those memories are backed by their own soundtrack in my mind.

Estrella - "Stay"

The night he texted me for the first time and I went all giddy.

Keane - "Somewhere Only We Know"

It was midnight, the windows were down and the air was warm. I wore his sweater that smelled like popcorn and couldn't understand why some things ever needed to change.

Stairway To Heaven OST - "Na Man Eh Nuh"

I sat on a bench looking at the sea, missing old friends. Feeling hopeful. It's the first instrumental song I ever really loved, the one that taught me that words can't say everything. Not even close. 

Britney Spears - "Sometimes"

Best friends, unhealthy snacks, girl-talk, and nothing else mattered.

Snow Patrol - "Chasing Cars"

I nervously drove his car and decided everything would be all right.

Plain White T's - "Rhythm of Love"

Manila, picnics, movies and simple hangouts..the time in my life when I felt most fearless, most daring. I laughed and wrote about it and laughed more and learned what it meant to both love and endure.

Paramore - "The Only Exception"

From a time when I was both heartbroken and in love, both afraid and elated beyond words.

Paramore - "Still Into You"

I was cooking for dinner with friends and he stood there in the kitchen and smiled, saying nothing and everything I needed to hear.

Linking experience and emotion to music, it's nothing new, I know. It's common, as natural as anything, but don't you think it's one of the most beautiful habits we have? I find myself collecting songs, in case they'll someday suit a fleeting moment. Silly, maybe. Or maybe not. Do you have a favorite song memory? What is it? ^^

Things We Know

"College is not the real world."

We know. We know that college's a unique, safe, bubble-like environment. We know this is a particularly wonderful chapter of our lives where we around people with similar interests, hopes, and ideas. People who stay up with you chatting about absolute nonsense. We know this is not how it'll be after we graduate.

"Graduating and finding a job isn't easy, especially in this economy."

We know. We know this probably more than one would expect. We watch the news, we walk past headlines printed across the paper that read: "Unemployment rates soar." We know we won't immediately land our dream job. We know that you want us to know that. And those few instances when our friends did land their dream jobs, well we know that you mark that up as a mere "fluke." We're aware that times are hard and coming out of college with a degree now deemed "practically useless" is going to be rough. If anyone knows this, believe me, it's us.

"You don't understand what it's like..."

We might not understand, you're right. But at one time or another, you didn't quite know what it's like either. And us, being reminded how much we don't understand, well that doesn't make us suddenly "understand" anymore than before, instead it adds stress. It's as though you're saying: "you don't know, and you never will." Because no matter how much we don't understand, we still have to face it. So please, please, help us know that though we don't understand now, we'll be okay. Because as much as you want to keep us from the possible storms ahead, it's where our boats must venture, no matter how rough it's gonna be.

Things we want you to know:

We know you care and that's why you're telling us these things. We know. But when you constantly tell us these things, it doesn't change anything. Instead, it leaves us feeling as though nothing can be done at this point. Absolutely nothing. We're doomed. But really, it's not, we're not. Far from it. It's gonna be harder than anything we might ever experience. We're gonna have a lot of our dreams crushed and have to alter a lot of paths along the way. But we're gonna be fine. Because we're not the 1st people in the history of the world to face hardships. We're not the first people to embark on unknown territory while so many scoffed and warned. We're not the 1st people to open a door to find a giant brick wall.

But we're so blessed to have the proper tools to break down those walls. Survive these uncertain times. We have advantages those before us didn't. And you're the ones who placed them in our hands, taught us how to use them. And for that, we're beyond grateful.

But you have to let us know that you trust us, you think we can do it. That you support our battle. But most of all, that you're rooting for us because you believe we can. That's all we want you to know. Whoever you are.

It's Great to Be a Nerd

It's awesome to be a nerd. I don't know what the world's gonna be like by the time you understand this. I don't know what it's gonna mean to be a nerd when you're a young woman. For me, when I was growing up, being a nerd meant that I liked things that were a little weird, that took a lot of effort to appreciate and understand. It meant that I loved science, playing board games, reading books and really understanding what went on in the world instead of just riding the planet through space.

When I was little, people really teased me about that and made me feel like there's something wrong with me for loving those things. Now that I'm an adult, I'm a professional nerd, and the world has changed. I think we've realized that being a nerd isn't about what you love but about how you love.

So there's gonna be a thing in your life that you love. I don't know what it's gonna be. It might be sports or science or reading or telling stories. It doesn't matter what it is. The way you love that thing and how you find other people who love it the way you do is what makes being a nerd awesome. Some of us love Harry Potter, while others love Star Trek. But we all love those things so much that we travel far to be around people who love the things that we love the way that we love them. That's why being a nerd awesome.

Don't let anyone tell you that the thing that you love is a thing that you can't love. Don't let anyone ever tell you, "You can't love that. That's for boys." I want you to be honest, honorable and kind. I want you to work hard because everything worth doing is hard. I want you to be awesome, and I'll do my very best to leave you a planet that you can still live on. Have a great life.

- Wil Wheaton

Source: Reader's Digest (April 2014 issue)

A Spoonful of Sentiment

It's tough for a non-movie review blog to write a movie review. But I love movies and I'll take any good excuse I can to actually get out of the house and get immersed in a film. And Saving Mr Banks saved me. 

Here's a quick synopsis for those who haven't heard of the film: 

Walt Disney spent years pursuing the rights to create a movie based on the book, Mary Poppins by P. L. Travers. He's persistent in wanting to make the movie not only because he loved the story but because he wanted to fulfill a promise he made to his daughters. Mrs. Travers reluctantly agreed to work with Disney's team on the film but refused to sign away the rights during pre-production. Long story short, she eventually signed away the rights and the film's made. 

But you knew that. Because most of us grew up with Mary Poppins as part of our childhood. We know the film, we know the songs, and we all loved Mary Poppins. Saving Mr. Banks doesn’t just take you behind the scenes as to how Walt Disney and P. L. Travers eventually struck a chord. This movie takes you into the childhood of Mrs. Travers and deep into her head where we really understand why this fictional character, Mary Poppins, is such an important and protected part of her life.

Let me state what I think is obvious. If you haven't ever seen Mary Poppins, you've got some homework to do. You need to watch it and then go see it. If you don't, you'll miss a lot of the subtle humor and inside jokes. And you'll be able to follow the story line but you won't really get it. If you've seen Mary Poppins and didn't love it, this movie might not be for you. And finally, if you've seen Mary Poppins but it's been so many years that you can't really remember if you liked it or not, go see this movie. You've probably forgotten that you loved it as a kid and this film will remind you. (Side note: This is NOT a movie to take your kids to. They'll simply be bored. It's an adult movie. Enjoy a night out.)

Well, I really loved it. It's because it was a movie that stayed with me. When I see a good movie, it usually has to sit with me for a day before I can really coherently come up with what I thought of it. That's a good sign because it means it got the wheels turning in my head. The next day, I was singing the songs from the film and just replaying some of the scenes in my mind and mostly just marveling over the amazing cast. Emma Thompson as P. L. Travers, a middle-aged Australian born English writer of children's books. She wasn't pleasant and yet we're sympathetic and amused. And I love love Emma for facing the big screen with that awful 1960s hair. Oh she deserves Oscars. Tom Hanks as Walt Disney, the American icon who has never been portrayed on screen before. So Tom Hanks as Walt Disney? OF COURSE!

The biggest thrill for me in this film was feeling like I got a glimpse into the life of Walt Disney; who he was, what he was like to work with, and how he fought for what he believed in. In a beautiful but entirely fictional scene, Disney tells Travers about his own difficult childhood:

I love my life - it's a miracle.  And I loved my daddy, boy, I loved him. But, there isn't a day goes by where I don't think of that little boy in the snow and old Elias with his fist and strap, and I'm just so tired - I'm tired of remembering it that way. Aren't you tired Mrs. Travers? We all have our tales but don't you want to find a way to finish the story? Let it all go and have a life that isn't dictated by a past?

Although Travers has created a magical world of imagination, it represents gritty reality to her. Mary Poppins shows the children hard truths, and fiction that reveals painful truths is important. But Disney sees another role for fiction, that we can use fiction to write the endings that we wish our stories had, and thus heal our griefs. I like Disney's idea.

There are many reasons why people love romance as a genre, and there are many reasons why I love it. One of my favorite things about romance is the promise that things will be okay. In real life, even though my life's one of great happiness, I worry all the time, about everything from asteroids (collisions!) to turtles (endangered!). Above all I worry about people who are suffering who I can't save, and I grieve for people who I've lost. So you can imagine my tearful response when, at the premiere of Mary Poppins, when Travers weeps because Mr. Banks has been fired, Disney leans over to her and whispers, "It's all right, Mrs. Travers. It's alright. Mr. Banks is going to be all right. I promise."

First of all, in terms of the movie itself, it's a powerful moment, because P.L. Travers' father, the model for Mr. Banks, wasn't alright. Not even her own Mary Poppins, a seemingly invincible aunt, could save him. And although in real life Travers was never happy with the film, this scene in Saving Mr. Banks is cathartic for the character and for the audience. From the standpoint of someone like me who likes romance, this moment was touching and affirming. We all know that things in life can be hard. Even happy endings have tough parts. But when you pick up a romance book, it says, "It's alright, I promise."  And that's not trite or delusional. It's powerful and healing and freeing. It's a way of nurturing hope and it gives us something good to imagine and to aspire to.

We need stories that reveal the hardships we've faced historically and that we continue to face today. We need to be able to clearly see our past and our present. But we also need hope and optimism. If all stories end in doom, then we start to feel doomed. What I hadn't thought of before Saving Mr. Banks is that in writing happy endings we can also rewrite our own stories. What Disney's saying to Travers is that we can use fiction not only to reveal our reality but to shape it. There are a lot of things going on in this movie but for me, that aspect's the most interesting, and that aspect's why I think some of you would enjoy the film so much. That, and the fact that Emma Thompson plays the smartest, and bitchiest, smart bitch of all time! Oh please just give her that Oscars!

For the record, there are some interesting controversies surrounding the film. See, in the movie, Emma Thompson weeps with joy because she loves the film version of Mary Poppins so very much and the magic of Disney has healed her emotional wounds. But actually, in real life, P.L. Travers wept at the premier because she hated it. She liked the money, and she got a heap of it, but she still hated the movie. Lol.

Strength

For years I believed that strong meant holding on and pushing through. Whether I was at home, in the classroom, or part of a conversation, I did just that. If resistance came, I held on. I pushed through.

In the past few years, though, I've gained a bit of clarity. Circumstances and relationships have taught me that strength doesn't come from sticking it out. Strength comes from the willingness to act or let go, and the wisdom to know which route to choose.

What does strong mean to you?

Light as Air

Recently, life has been a bit of a whirlwind. A good whirlwind, to be sure, but a whirlwind nonetheless. Last weekend left me calm and rejuvenated. Refreshed. Outdoor brunch, an all-day barbecue at the river, hangout at playground, and friends who bring out my truest self. We faced the sun and ate barbecued chickens and ate pickles and welcomed life with open arms. And something within or above or around me lifted, loosened, so that now I'm feeling light as air.

It's the new weekend and life is good, you know? Life is just so damn good.

our picnic spot

Kibambangan River

dipping in cold river

glad to have him 

brothers

the chefs

Well, I know it's the month of love. But I'm not a valentine's day person because I'm not celebrating it, but everyone can celebrate love anytime. Let's celebrate all kinds of love everyday, shall we? Romantic love, yes, but also friendship and the love of our families, our acquaintances, our old loves and new loves, puppy loves and forever loves. The love of words, of sunshine, of fresh flowers sitting on the windowsill. And let's not forget to show love, too, to those we care about and also to ourselves. Also, let us not forget self-love.

And thank you so much for all the love you've shown this little blog over the years.

Have a blast weekend. ^^

Letting it All In

Previously a friend asked about love, heartbreak and moving on, about the hows and the whys. I've been thinking a lot about how to respond, remembering that desperate grip of hope that rises in the wake of a loss. Remembering the need for black-and-white clarity. Really, all of us just want someone to name that thing, that one thing we're feeling, because once we've named the unnameable, it somehow feels easier to erase; if only because we finally know what exactly we're trying to move past.

"How do you get over the feelings? How do you move on?" She asked.

There's no one answer, of course, and although she'd been talking about romantic love, I think we can all relate to that need to escape feelings. It's not always easy and I can't always manage, but if I'm angry or upset or lonely or jealous or afraid, I try to step back and say, "so be it." So be it. It's okay to feel sad and it's okay to feel nostalgic and it's okay to sink into those murky, melancholy feelings every once in a while. That's life. That's living. What matters, where your character lies, is in the action. The greatest marker of who you are is what you do with how you feel, what happens in those moments between sense and do.

When it comes to the most powerful, deep-rooted sorts of hurt, loss and heartbreak, I suppose I've never really set those feelings aside. They still scratch at my insides some days, when a moment or some strange emotion catches me by surprise. I've always felt like all those slivers of heartbreak still live somewhere inside me and on any given day, it's just a matter of where they lie. Most days I don't notice them. But some days, they sit in my stomach, making me nauseous. Other days, it's a quick poke that swiftly passes. And on the worst days, I feel those thick, heavy feelings of heartbreak filling up my throat until they make a lump so big I can hardly breathe. Sorry if that's exaggerated. 

"I can't even sleep, I'm drowning," she said.

I understood. Whenever I've experience pain, I wallow. I dive headfirst into mourning, basking in the most surreal kind of sadness. Long, dramatic crying spells, hours spent feeling everything at once, hours feeling nothing. The point is, I let all those feelings wash over me, drowning for just a little while until I'm literally exhausted by them, until I can't stand to sit still for another moment and all I wanna do is do something about it.

Eventually, that human impulse to fix will kick in. Eventually, you'll hit the surface. In the meantime, feel. Whatever it is, just let it in. Feel, and then do. And do something that makes you feel proud. Let your actions reflect your best self, and don't worry about the rest.

Time and Priorities

I've started a job as a substitute teacher since 2 weeks ago at the same school that I worked for last year. It's February now and the school's getting busier with lots of activities, plus there's diagnostic test for Year 6 that made me take extra hours at school to do statistics, which, holy moly, was such a tedious work. You know a teacher's job is more than teaching. At night, I study. Yep, you read that correctly. I need to re-study mathematics because I ain't really good at it even the Year 6's maths and you wouldn't wanna be a loser in front of the kids. :p

I've been thinking a lot about the value of time lately. I chatted with a friend who regularly writes out "priority lists." Every so often, she'll make a list of her top priorities, in order, and see if she's allowing enough time for what's most important. Interesting, huh? I try not to overthink anything, to just write things as they came to me:

1. Health, both physical and emotional.

2. Strong relationships with family and friends.

3. Personal and professional growth.

4. The just-for-fun stuff.

Truth is, the lines can blur among the 4, but I try to identify specifics within each group. What do I do that makes me feel like my truest, healthiest self? There's the physical stuff, like gardening and cooking and running. But on the emotional side, there's also reading, writing..which also, of course, lead to personal growth. For strong relationships, I thought of dates and outings and phone calls and chats, and for the just-for-fun stuff, it's all about the internet, tv and movies.

A lot of it feels obvious, I know, but there's certainly something to be said for sitting back, evaluating what's important, and deciding whether your actions are in line with your priorities.

What do you think? Are you able to spend time on what's most meaningful to you?

Have a great week. :)

We are Stories still Going

There are parts of stories that we wish were different, things we wish we could change, erase, forget. We get stuck in moments. Memories turn to ghosts. We try to live in the past, but it never works. And then somehow, inside the same story, there's good. There are memories that make us laugh and make us smile, relationships and conversations, dreams of jobs and families, and places that we hope to go. Even things as simple as favorite books and songs and films, the way they remind us we're alive, these things are part of our story as well. And we've come to believe that all of it matters, that all of it is significant and the opposite of small. We've come to believe that you deserve to be around people who know these parts of you, people who laugh and mourn and celebrate with you, people who remind you that you're not alone.

If you should ever get to a place where your life feels like it's not worth living, where the pain's just too great, know that it's okay to be honest and ask for help. It's nothing to be ashamed of, and it doesn't mean you're something strange or some kind of burden. It simply means you're human. May you wake to the day when life feels worth living, when joy comes back, hope shows up, love returns. 

If you're reading this, if there's air in your lungs on this day, then there's still hope for you. Your story's still going. And maybe some things are true for all of us. Perhaps we all relate to pain. Perhaps we all relate to fear and loss and questions. And perhaps we all deserve to be honest, we all deserve whatever help we need. Our stories are all so many things. Heavy and light. Beautiful and difficult. Hopeful and uncertain. But our stories aren't finished yet. There's still time, for things to heal, change and grow. There's still time to be surprised. We're stories still going, you and I.

Peace to you today, tomorrow and days ahead. 

A Cure for Restlessness

I remember coming back from a road trip few years ago has left me with a sense of restlessness. It's always hard to go from being in absolute adventure, full of new words and people, to something routine. But it's all about perspective. Throwback moment that I had recently brought my thoughts back to when I was lost in the middle of the town. But it's nice, so I stopped and recalled my childhood moments. Because it's the place I grew up in. There's so much of it I've yet to see. My former life, and yet, that little block I'd never registered in my memory. Or maybe, moving away is what it took for me to notice those things. It's as if you have to leave in order to come home and see what's really there. I have a soul that's always longing to wander. I can't stay indoor even for a week, I'm the kind of person that always wants to be somewhere else. However, I'm still in a season of transition, a time of learning, growing and preparation. I'm not sure what for exactly, but I just know that this is a vital time during which is so important for me to be patient and learn what fuels my soul.

So far I've learned the these, cure for restlessness:

• Tea. Even if you have to microwave the water because you don't have a kettle..

• Books. All kinds. All topics. All the books.

• How I Met Your Mother. Or whatever happens to be your TV fix as of late. Every night as you fall asleep.

• Gratitude. And expressing it.

• Writing letters or postcards. The good, old-fashioned, stick a stamp on it, push it through the mail slot kind.

• Water. Lots.

• Music. As often as you can. As loud as plausible. Singing along.

..and anything nice and easy.

The only way that we can live, is if we grow. The only way that we can grow is if we change. The only way that we can change is if we learn. The only way we can learn is if we are exposed. And the only way that we can become exposed is if we throw ourselves out into the open. Do it. Throw yourself.
- C. Joybell C.

For the Brokenhearted Girl

A few weeks ago I received a message from a dear friend who's younger than me and going through a heartbreak. She asked me to write an advice and post it here, she is not a blogger but often reads my blog, which is flattering. So this is the reply I could come up with, I'm not a good adviser, but this is straight from my heart. I hope it'd help you, dear.

Dearest darling,

First of all, a big hug to you. This heartache your feeling is raw, and you're such a tender soul right now. Take a second to breath, and know that you're so loved by so many people. You got that, sis? Okay? Okay. :)

Secondly, oh..boys. And I say boys because I dated someone who sounds crazy similar to your boy, and that's exactly how they behaved, like boys. But we accept it, because we think they'll turn into men sooner than later and the sad part is, sometimes they take years! Or never even grow up. But you can't let him stop your growing because of his own issues. It's hard, because they're boys who don't think like logical men.

This may be the hardest part of all, but I'm telling you this from the side of the heartbroken: cut off all communication. Hide his facebook updates, delete his number from your phone, and try and explain to your friends that  you need to be away from him until you feel better. In my humble opinion, staying friends so fresh after a breakup never, ever works. With my ex, he responded to none of my reaching out to him after the breakup. I found this to be cruel cruel cruel. But, years later, I saw him and thanked him for this time of healing. I thanked him silently. Because he knew that it'd just drag the process out longer. It's like ripping off a band-aid. You either do it slowly and feel every single of pain for each individual piece, or you rip that off quickly and get it over with. I highly recommend the latter.

I also want to point out that when things get serious, it terrifies boys, because they aren't used to feeling such strong emotions. So, to protect themselves, I'm of the opinion that they run from anything to keep themselves from getting hurt. But this is not your fault, nor is it mine. It's just the nature of the beast.

Take some time for you, let him see that if he really wants space, you'll give it to him, and let him see that the pain of losing you isn't worth it. And, if he's still scared, he's not the one for you. You know how the saying goes like, "let it go, if it comes back, it's yours; if not, it never was". I find that to be quite true sometimes. I know you and him have a love that's between you two. It'll always be there. And it'll always be unique to you two. That's the best part about love, there's never the same love twice, so you'll always be in each other's hearts.

I hope this helps a bit, dear friend. I know this is very hard to believe, but your heart will heal. It really will. And you'll be stronger for it. But in the meantime, embrace your emotions. And love, eat, and stay healthy. Take a lavender shower and buy yourself a fantastic new dress or lipstick. One that reminds you every time you see it that you're healing.

So much love to you and don't hesitate if you need to talk! Big hugs!

The Times You'll Miss

As my time as a student has came to end, I can't help but reflect on the past 4 years while Vitamin C's Graduation plays in my mind. I'm not going to put you through that, but I'd like to share some words of advice for the juniors, wherever, whoever they are. I'm gonna go ahead and get the cliches out of the way first: College flies by. Get involved. Take advantage of the opportunities. Have fun. Study hard. Don't take those years for granted. Be safe. You'll someday look back on this time and miss it. You will. 

Now that those are out of the way (yet, so very true) I'm gonna add a few of my own what-I-wish-I-had-known-while-in-college lessons. 

1. The library has the best resources. Learn how to use them. Yep, I didn't know this until my last semester. They also have subscriptions to some of the raddest, most expensive websites and databases in the world. Explore your hobbies and interests now. You have the best resources to do so.

2. Have dinner with your dorm mates. They're gonna be the ones that you miss the most after your course mates. 

3. Talk to your lecturers. They're people like us too and (most) always there because they really do want to help you learn. And (most) are experts on extremely specific topics. And (most) wanna tell you about what they know. Make appointment, email/text them if you have questions. Know what's worth debating and what's not. 

4. Put down your phones and talk to people around you. After college, you're probably rarely, if ever, going to be around so many people in the same life stage/situation as you. Everyone's there trying to get a degree. We're all on the same playing field, help each other out. Meet people who are interested in your same hobbies. You may never again see people with the same interests on a daily basis. But don't stick to only groups that agree with what you think or like what you like. Explore different groups and make friends with all kinds of people. This is how you learn. 

5. I think this is probably the most important thing I wish I had known: take control of your course, don't let it control you. Choose something that you're really interested in as your major. Don't just follow what your friends choose or what you parents told you so. I wish I had taken different course. I should've been more open to the idea I'd maybe change my mind before deciding on a major. But it doesn't matter anymore. So get them done. Although you're not the smartest in class, be smart anyway. Don't fall into so much drama. Don't waste your time on people who lead you to bad things. 

6. Get off the laptop and go out with your dorm/course mates sometimes. Go to stadium and run. Have a tea time at cafeteria. Go to cinema. Facebook will be around 10 years down the road, but you won't be on campus forever.

I do miss campus more than words could ever express. This is a chapter I long to return to, but life doesn't work that way. All I can do is let those of you going into college or currently in its throws know that this is it. These are times you will miss. Be present. Cherish every single moment. :)

10 Seconds of Fame

I'm officially graduated!! Yay!!! 

*fireworks*

*confetti rain*

Well, it's just an ordinary graduation ceremony. But it's probably the onetime experience, so I wanted to feel the moment. Yes, it's fun, but it's also tiring and exhausting! Plus I only ate a couple of sandwiches that day. I skipped lunch and regretted it. We waited for 2 hours before parading into the hall. The parade was my favorite part..it's glorious, you know..when you walked on red carpet into the hall and everyone's watching and applauding, accompanied with orchestral music. Oh it's wonderful. But the excitement faded a while as we had to wait for another hour before being on stage. When it's time, I could only hear my heartbeats. I went up stage, my name's mentioned, I know I was on the screens, faced the chief minister of Sabah, smiled at cameras, took scroll, said thanks, and went down smiling. That's all. 4 years of study and 10 seconds of fame. Lol! 

Exiting the hall, I ran straight away to find my lovelies. The 1st ones I met were Ifo, Jasper and Selvin. They brought me flowers! Then we went to meet my family and they had flowers for me too. I felt blessed. Being hugged and kissed by mum and dad was the most touching moment, nothing could make me happier than seeing them happy and proud. Despite the fact that I was famished and exhausted, I was glad. Unfortunately I didn't get to meet most friends after leaving the hall, we're all separated by the crowds and couldn't find each other. Everything was so brief. I wish I could see them and say goodbye because it might be difficult to meet again.

The next day was Ifo's turn. I loved it how charming he was in suit and robe. We're finally graduated together. ^^ I got to meet his family and take pictures together. The whole Baks was also there so hey, it's a party! We took as much pictures as we want at the chancellor lawn, went crazy together. Then we took off for lunch, played bowling and decided to stay at Lan's place while waiting for concert night at UMS. So we had karocks and watched Pee Mak that made me almost cry. After that we headed to Tamu Gadang and had dinner there. It's not really a cool place because it's too crowded and smokes were everywhere. And the concert was just okay..there's Azlan & The Typewriter, and a band that tried so hard to be like Paramore..whatever the band was, they performed Still Into You at slow tempo and Conspiracy. I was disappointed as they ruined the songs. 

We kinda made a history that night when a woman approached us and asked to help her finding her 2 little sons that were missing at Tamu Gadang. So we split up and looked for the kids, but we didn't find them..others did. Someone sent them to the stage and made announcement. Phew. Glad the kids were safe. Then we escaped from the place and went to the peaceful sports complex. Looking at the huge field, I recalled the orientation moment dancing on the field during our 1st week in campus 4 years ago. It felt like yesterday. Now we're leaving hogwarts and going forward to the new chapters.

Well, it's an amazing night. It made me realize how blessed I am to be surrounded by wonderful people; my family, friends, Ifo, the Baks, bloggers, etc. Hmm, cliche huh? And being a part of the guys is great, I'm always happy whenever they're around. I may be the wallflower in any other place, but I'm the flower in the group. :)

Graduation Speech

So. No Fiction Friday today, just like last Friday. Those who have been waiting for the next chapter of Letting Go, I'm sorry..I'll try to continue next week. I hardly have time to write for the time being with convocation and stuff coming. Well, it's tomorrow, actually. Yay I'm graduating! So I don't have much to write at the moment, though I've got a lot in mind. I just wanna share this one..which will pretty much tell you how I really feel (though I'm neither the best student nor giving speech on graduation).