Priceless Birthday

Brunch at Upperstar with my fiance, his mom and sister

My family threw me a surprise party at KFC

Fruity ice cream cake, my favorite

Twenty five 

My 25th birthday was sunny, simple, sweet and full of fabulous surprise. There were time well spent with my family, long and lingering dinners with Ifo, coffee with friends, and a whole lot of special, pinch-me moments from the birthday weekend. My cheeks are rosy, my stomach aches from laughing too hard and eating far too many food, and, well, 25 is off to a pretty good start. For me, birthdays tend to inspire a bit of reflection. Each year I look back at the year behind me, and I have to say, if 25 treats me half as well as 24, I'll be a lucky girl indeed. Fast forward a year and everything's changed, everything but the people beside me. And that's really all that matters, isn't it? Thanks again for all the sweet birthday wishes! :)

Who Am I at 25

I've been thinking a lot about what I would, what I should, write for this. And the thing is, well, I haven't come up with much. Other than...

I'm okay. Here I am. 25. And I'm okay. Thrilling, right? Well, for me, it is. Okay is nothing short of utterly and completely thrilling. Because for so long I was not. Okay. And then I was not quite.

I have moments. All the time. Moments where I feel like I should have done more. Been more. Said more. Moments where I feel so far behind. I'm 25 already. This is it? This is all I've accomplished? But then I quietly remind myself that we all have different paths. Different life trajectories. Our stories vary. And my accomplishments, my multitudinous (yup, I just used that word) victories are mostly private. Things that others might never understand. But for me those victories are the difference between not okay. Not quite. And just fine.

And just fine, okay, whatever-you-want-to-call-it is the beginning. The beginning of everything. The part of my story where my successes become (i hope) a bit more public.

So who am I at 25?

I'm someone who believes that unsolicited smiles by strangers are one of the most profound acts of kindness possible.

I still use the pajamas that my mother gifted me for my 18th birthday. It immediately brings me back to a time of naivete and endless possibility.

The quote that makes the most sense to me right now, right at this very moment: Sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I'm not living  - Jonathan Safran Foer 

If I could go anywhere tomorrow I'd hop on a plane and land in Paris. Then I'd go to Rome. And sit in cafe after cafe after cafe. Saturating myself in beauty and history. And a lot of gelato. 

I'm engaged to an amazing man. I'm full of more love than I ever expected to be and I'm sure of him than I've ever felt about anything. 

I don't know where life goes from here. But I'm so excited to go boldly into the unknown. To try. and to fail a little, as inevitably I will. But also to start gathering successes. Collecting them one by one in the cradle of my arms so I can lay them on the alter of this life as my humble (and multitudinous) thanks.

I am so thankful to be 25. To be 25 and just fine.

Happy birthday to me. 

It's Okay to be Messy

I'm guilty of wearing masks. Specifically, the lovely, I've got it all figured out.

It's easier to slap on a smile, put up a pretty photo, write a few words, and be done. Easy to blog a session or write about what's good, instead of what's hard. Easy to put on a face and skim the surface instead of being real and honest and raw. Easy to make it seem like my life's less than messy, more like a picture perfect magazine rather than being filled with grittiness and real things like staying up too late working and getting behind on deadlines and being insecure.

I want to be honest and real. I don't want to appear like I have it all together or because I'm doing so and so, I'm somehow "better" or "cooler" or "more professional." or I've somehow reached "that point" (whatever it is, it doesn't really exist), where I've got it all figured out. Because that's so far from the truth. :)

So. Here's the truth...

I still get nervous before every session.

I care too much what people think and struggle with my identity.

I fear I don't measure up.

I focus on my fears instead of resting in God's truth and promises.

I get stuck between pushing myself and being proud of myself.

I have trouble believing in myself.

I feel like I'm faking it and won't ever make it.

I struggle with punctuality and diligence every single day.

But there's grace in the midst of those real things. And I don't have it all together. Not by a long shot. But I'm learning. I'm growing. I'm learning to let go of my perfectionism and to be confident in the gifts I've been given and use them to the best of my abilities...that doesn't mean I get a free pass to beat myself up if I "mess up" or don't meet my own expectations. There's a difference between pushing ourselves to be better and ignoring the strengths and gifts we do have, because we fear we don't measure up.

And I fear I don't measure up all the time. Because of my age. Because of where I'm at. Because I can't drive yet. Because I don't have ____ or ____(whatever it may be). Because I did or didn't receive this many comments (yes, even silly things like that). Because I'm not a permanent teacher. Because I don't work out everyday or eat totally green and on and on.

But none of that matters. That's not where my identity lies. I can find joy and I can find who I am in the things of this world or I can embrace who I am in this beautifully messy life I've been given.

Here's the deal. It's easy to reach a certain point and think that we've got it made. Whatever it is..that we'll be good. That all our insecurities and fears will go away and somehow we'll live in this overwhelming confidence. And those things are not necessarily bad..in fact, they can be really good! But when we start basing our identity in where we're at instead of who we are, then we lose the heart behind what we do and who we truly are.

I struggle with my identity. I get nervous around other teachers and students, bloggers, and well, sometimes just people in general. I'm afraid that I don't measure up. I worry about whether people will like me and I put too much stock in what other people's opinions of me are, instead of being confident in who I am. And it's an everyday choice for me to focus not on what the world says, but what God says. That I don't have it all together and that's okay. I don't have to be perfect. It's okay to be messy.

The Lists

Lists are so dear to me partially because they're unique to the moment you wrote them. From grocery lists, from to-do-lists detailing the day (run in the morning, write and read in the afternoon, piece time together for tea around 4). The "here-now" of these lists tug my heart, and I see some crossed off, others standing bold and waiting to be done. Make soup for dinner, Chinese fried rice and steamed chicken. Bundle up before a walk, remember a cardigan. Buy more apples. Pick up dry leaves on the driveway. 

If I was a poet I'd write a piece but for now, I'll catch syllables between rhythms and round the rhymes into letters half between cursive and print that range from words between clean my room and buy a birthday gift for my sister. And yet, there's a piece caught between the lines. My line is cast and I sit quietly in a boat, holding my pole tight and waiting to snag words. I'm a fisher woman of stories and stories in all forms, from photos to books to music to drawings to designs to the halfway letters of a list not finished. I collect the discarded grocery lists in the bottom of my purse, the leftover pages of a packing list for weekend getaway crumpled in the pocket of my bag, a few hurried lines of to-do before lunch.

There's a beauty and grace to the change of seasons and the differences that come in our homes and hearts within them. Some days are for quiet and abundance of simple. If we had a hearth, ours would be lit. I'm sucker to the romantic and pretty things but will not disregard the simple, because honesty is the best. 

Things that catch my eye:

light

cats

quirks

wispy curls

steam and smoke and fog

reflections

dabs of color

continuity errors in movies

textures

Books I'm reading:

I Am the Messenger by Markus Zusak

Anna and The French Kiss by Stephanie Perkins

And the Mountains Echoed by Khaled Hosseini

Songs that I could hear over and over again:

Yellow by Coldplay

When It Rains by Paramore

100 Years by Five for Fighting

Somewhere Only We Know by Keane

Little Talks by Of Monsters and Men.

Happen Ending by Epik High

Chandelier by Sia

Things I don't want to purchase (but need to anyways):

a haircut

a power bank

new bag

new jeans

an iPod

What I want to get better at this year:

going to bed early

giving grace (always)

being intentional with my time

eating healthier

affirming

creating art that matters

baking gluten free

punctuality

getting fit

Some things I'm excited about:

weddings

traveling plans

being healthy

the weekend

going shopping for food

making lasagna

new job

Names I like:

Levi

Sophie

Gwen

Audrey

Heather

Aimee

Myrabell

Plans for the rest of the week.

take a walk

go out for lunch and coffee

order pizza

mail postcards

get my inbox cleaned

tidy my room and declutter and simplify

workout

Outside my window:

bird nest on a tree

an acrylic sky painted blue

slippers on neighbor's roof

cat's footprints on sandy pavement

sunlight warm across the neighborhood

quiet

Everything has to Start Somewhere

I've been afraid to say it aloud (much less in print) but here it goes: I'm writing a story. Should I call it a novel? Yikes. I'm not sure yet. But I'm really writing this time. 

For whatever reason, I've felt too nervous to tell anybody. I've felt nervous, embarrassed, worried that I'll seem too bold or presumptuous or some other terrible, negative adjective. I need to mention it, though. I need to see how it feels when the whole thing becomes real.

See, there's been a cast of characters dancing around my brain for the past few months, and their story has slowly come into focus as I've opened myself up to the idea of actually writing it. But the truth is, I've been scared. Really, really scared. The idea of writing a novel carries its own weight, its own pressures and assumptions. What if I can't finish it like previous times? What if I do and it's no good? What if?

The what-if fears have been plaguing and paralyzing me forever, but hey, why not huh? So I don't finish. So it's terrible. So what.

As I slowly but surely move through this complicated story-writing business, I'd love to know: what's the best, most inspiring or helpful writing advice you've ever heard? If there's any?

Perfect, Sweet-Filled Birthday

3rd October 2014 was my 24th birthday. And, inevitably, I find myself considering where I am, where I've been..whether I'm who I expected to be at this age, whether I'm doing what I expected to do. Truth is: I am and I'm not. Some things have fallen right into place, right where I always imagined they would. Other things, though, have been surprises. Good and bad ones. But all of it, I'm very happy to say, feels right. As if it's inevitable. Certain, in the most wonderful of ways. And if I have one wish for 24, it'll be holding on to that. The feeling that everything, even the unexpected, is just as it should be.

When asked how I wanted to spend my birthday, I said I just wanted to spend it with the ones I love. Just like in the past. I didn't expect any cakes, gifts or celebration. But actually that's what I really got.....

After having a movie night (Anabelle..stupid creepy doll) and sleepover (it's been soooooo long since high school) with my girls (Farah and Jana) at Farah's place, Ifo took me out for a date on my birthday. It's a simple, lovely date; just me and him, watching Dracula Untold (awesome movie!), eating pizza, talking and talking and laughing. And hey, I got new books! If I stay and Where She Went, both by Gayle Forman. 

Two days after my birthday, we went out again, with other friends this time. It was raining heavily outside and I thought that something hot or soupy would be nice, so I suggested to eat at Natural Kitchen. But Ifo insisted to go to Secret Recipe, so we did. When we got there, Selvin and Russel were already waiting at the table. They hadn't ordered anything but plain water. Then Ifo excused himself to call Jasper outside, so we waited for them while browsing the menus. 

Few minutes later, Ifo and the rest appeared at the stairs; Ifo (playing ukulele), Desmond (holding a cake), Jasper, Mark and Carol. They're all singing out loud a Happy Birthday song, clapping..and I was....oh my God, I was so speechless, so surprised..I didn't know what to say. I just laughed and felt touched and ashamed at the same time. Touched, because I didn't expect any of those and it's been so long since I had that kind of surprise celebration..embarrassed, because everybody in the restaurant was looking at me and clapping along. Suddenly I became the centre of attention. Lol. It was all Ifo's idea..he'd been planning everything for almost a week, he brought The Baks and Wonder Women (girls group consisting me, Carol, Nelly, Fytt and Etha, but only Carol available that day) together as a team to celebrate my birthday. How nice! They even made a secret group chat to discuss the whole things. 

It was so sweet and wonderful. Thank you, everyone..thank you so much for surprising me good, I owe you guys a big time. I'm so grateful to have you guys in my life. And darling Ifo, I can't thank you enough..I love you. :)

post-sleepover

I'm a happy birthday girl

the cake was awesome

my sweethearts

I love you ^^

Seeds and Journeys

The feeling you get in your stomach before stepping into a new place. You have to keep with the flow. You don't want to be the one that misses the first stair..smacks right into the door. Every step before you is carefully calculated, dreaded. To you at least. Everyone else seems to have it mastered..the art of stepping in, stepping up. You don't. Before you even try your mind's filled with terrifying scenarios you're convinced are about to come true. If only you could take the damn staircase, skip it all, including this dumb metaphor.

The hot mess of a metaphor I just tried to convey is my attempt at expressing how it feels to be among peers that are getting real jobs, marrying their loves, creating babies. They seemingly took off their cap and gowns after graduation and stepped right into the next phase of their lives. I applaud that. I envy that. I definitely didn't do that.

Instead, I feel like I'm merely an older version of the person I was 9 months ago when I received my degree. Nothing else has changed. Well, I teach again. Now at my former high school. It's really nostalgic being here because..well, I studied here for 5 years. So many memories..sweet and bitter. And I'm missing my friends. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I'll be teaching again at different place in the future because it brings me more time to figure out what to do post-university. It brings me time, but it doesn't slow down anyone else's clocks.

Rather, I'm a million miles away, reading updates about others' first salary, how they got promoted to higher position in their company, how they got married, and how so-and-so. I'm trying to convince myself that it's okay to take a different route, a different staircase. But it's hard to keep myself convinced daily. So instead, I'm just trying to convince myself that it's okay to feel scared, anxious..eager even. Some days all that matters is that you feel anything at all.

Even if you feel like writing a terrible, terrible metaphor for a blog post.

Anyway, I'd like to share something. Somebody told me that..what we don't realize is that you can have a life-changing encounter, travel to a place that causes a shift in your heart, can meet someone who changes you..you can go, do, read, see, watch, something, anything, that makes it just a little harder to breathe. And you think, yes! Here I go, from now on, life will be different. But the thing is, that experience isn't full-grown, it's just the seed. It's the beginning, not the road itself. That's the map that you use as a road mark, not the trail you'll walk. 

And it's up to you to decide to continue or retreat into routine and wonder why things didn't change. Too often we go through something revolutionary, good or bad, and then slip back into the normalcy of our day to day lives instead of choosing to do the hard work and tend to that seed. Then we finally take a step back and start asking ourselves why our life doesn't line up with our vision. How could that moment, the experience that mattered so intensely, seem not to have changed anything at all? That's the thing. You can have as many seeds but until you plant them, until you continually water them, until you die to self, choose to go through the process of growing..it's going to be a seed. What matters is what you do with it.

Music and Memory

I've always been a music person. I mean, I'm not a musician but I really love music. Everyone's a music person, of course, but there have been phases of my life when music seemed to take center stage, when I listened to it so often that silence felt rare and sort of strange. When I listened to it so often that I found myself thinking in verse, bridge, chorus. Sometimes I feel that every moment deserves its own song, its own lyrics, and still those memories are backed by their own soundtrack in my mind.

Estrella - "Stay"

The night he texted me for the first time and I went all giddy.

Keane - "Somewhere Only We Know"

It was midnight, the windows were down and the air was warm. I wore his sweater that smelled like popcorn and couldn't understand why some things ever needed to change.

Stairway To Heaven OST - "Na Man Eh Nuh"

I sat on a bench looking at the sea, missing old friends. Feeling hopeful. It's the first instrumental song I ever really loved, the one that taught me that words can't say everything. Not even close. 

Britney Spears - "Sometimes"

Best friends, unhealthy snacks, girl-talk, and nothing else mattered.

Snow Patrol - "Chasing Cars"

I nervously drove his car and decided everything would be all right.

Plain White T's - "Rhythm of Love"

Manila, picnics, movies and simple hangouts..the time in my life when I felt most fearless, most daring. I laughed and wrote about it and laughed more and learned what it meant to both love and endure.

Paramore - "The Only Exception"

From a time when I was both heartbroken and in love, both afraid and elated beyond words.

Paramore - "Still Into You"

I was cooking for dinner with friends and he stood there in the kitchen and smiled, saying nothing and everything I needed to hear.

Linking experience and emotion to music, it's nothing new, I know. It's common, as natural as anything, but don't you think it's one of the most beautiful habits we have? I find myself collecting songs, in case they'll someday suit a fleeting moment. Silly, maybe. Or maybe not. Do you have a favorite song memory? What is it? ^^

Nightly Rants

A Year 5 student came to me today, asking, "will you still teach us math next week?" I said no, that my job's done and their regular teacher's coming back. Then he looked down, took my hand and placed it on his forehead. He said, "thanks for being our teacher, I'm sorry for my mistakes, please pray for me so I can succeed in study" something like that. Then it hit me like a hammer. I said what I supposed to say, but the words can't seem get out straight because I was chocked up. It's overwhelming. I mean, you know, I was just an untrained substitute teacher and I didn't expect this kind gesture even from at least one student. 

Anyway, as far as I know, he's the quietest boy in class, never joined Q&A session, never asked me anything about math, but it's okay because he always did well. Such a good, good boy. When I was his age I never went in person to see teachers saying thanks or sorry. Just sneaking into teachers' room to place simple cards on my favorite teachers' desk a day before Teacher's Day.

Why am I not teaching them anymore next week, you ask? Well, my contract with the school has ended. I might come back substituting another absent teacher who teach different subject, or I might not. I don't know.. It's just, I've received a new offer in writing for a magazine (the perks of being a freelance writer: you'll get many offers ^^) so I guess I want to focus on this. I'm not gonna blow it away like I did to Zalora (big regret!). Apart from that, taking master's program seems tempting. You see, when you can't find a fix job, go to college again. Oh all of a sudden I want to do so many things as if I had all the time in the world. So what, go for it, you may say. Hmm..easy said than done. I can't multitask, and when I do, it'd be catastrophic.  

Please, dear loves, whoever you are, wish me luck..

On Regrets

I believe in regrets. I appreciate the people who don't, and I find the saying "no regrets" both wise and optimistic. But to tell you the truth, there are some things that I'd handle differently, if given a 2nd chance. There are some things I said that I wouldn't say, and some things I didn't say that I'd love to speak aloud. As someone who probably writes and talks too much, it's the unsaid that I tend to regret most.

I'm fortunate enough not to have any significant regrets, nothing so earth-shattering that it leaves me up at night. My regrets are mostly little things, tiny tweaks I'd make to the random moments of my life. Given a 2nd chance, I'd have spent more time with my grandmother. Told my high school teacher that she inspired me a lot. Tried more vegetables when I was younger. Helped my mom gardening. I'd have chosen different course in college. Learned Mandarin.

Given a 2nd chance, I'd have forgiven myself more easily and held others to a higher standard because I'd have known that self-respect reigns most important. I'd have recognized love more quickly and acknowledged when to let go of the relationships that had run their course. I'd have skipped the unnecessary apologies, the meaningless guilt and the heavy boots that came with holding on to things for far too long. I'd have allotted more time for art. I'd have saved the petals from the first red roses Ifo ever gave me. I'd have taken more pictures.

Like I said, nothing earth-shattering. Just tiny regrets, small 2nd-chance dreams that teach me what I value and what I need to do with the rest of this life I've been given. Do you have a no-regrets attitude? Or are there things you'd have done differently?

Best for Last

I've always had this habit of 'saving things for later.' It's cropped up across several areas of my life, translating to anything from food (best bite for last!) to music (I won't listen to this playlist until...) to clothes. And it's this last part: clothes..that I'm trying to change.

Ever since I was little I've reserved my favorite outfits for certain days, especially weekend. There was something about the end of the week and the start of the weekend that felt important, like something to dress up for. And so I would. It's normal, I think, to save certain outfits for the weekend. But somehow, somewhere along the way, I started saving my favorite clothes for..who knows? For some time in the distant future, some time when Possible Event X might require me to look my best. 

See, here's the problem, though: Possible Event X usually comes and goes, and I end up wearing an old standby..because in my mind I think, what if an even better event comes along and I've already sported this fabulous dress? What if I wish I'd saved it? What if it would have been absolutely perfect for this event and I've just worn it? What if? This sounds ridiculous, I know. They're just clothes, for heaven's sake. What's the big deal, huh? Well, the big deal's that it speaks to a larger issue: my absurd forward-thinking.

Saving best for last can be good for some things; the center bite of a hazelnut chocolate, the killer playlist that'll get you through that tough workout tomorrow, and..did I mention the center bite of a hazelnut chocolate? But I'm changing my tune when it comes to clothes. I'm shifting gears, wearing what I love whenever I please, whenever it strikes my fancy..even if it's on a..*gasp*..Monday.

Because sometimes, yes, there's a time and a place to save best for first.

Time and Priorities

I've started a job as a substitute teacher since 2 weeks ago at the same school that I worked for last year. It's February now and the school's getting busier with lots of activities, plus there's diagnostic test for Year 6 that made me take extra hours at school to do statistics, which, holy moly, was such a tedious work. You know a teacher's job is more than teaching. At night, I study. Yep, you read that correctly. I need to re-study mathematics because I ain't really good at it even the Year 6's maths and you wouldn't wanna be a loser in front of the kids. :p

I've been thinking a lot about the value of time lately. I chatted with a friend who regularly writes out "priority lists." Every so often, she'll make a list of her top priorities, in order, and see if she's allowing enough time for what's most important. Interesting, huh? I try not to overthink anything, to just write things as they came to me:

1. Health, both physical and emotional.

2. Strong relationships with family and friends.

3. Personal and professional growth.

4. The just-for-fun stuff.

Truth is, the lines can blur among the 4, but I try to identify specifics within each group. What do I do that makes me feel like my truest, healthiest self? There's the physical stuff, like gardening and cooking and running. But on the emotional side, there's also reading, writing..which also, of course, lead to personal growth. For strong relationships, I thought of dates and outings and phone calls and chats, and for the just-for-fun stuff, it's all about the internet, tv and movies.

A lot of it feels obvious, I know, but there's certainly something to be said for sitting back, evaluating what's important, and deciding whether your actions are in line with your priorities.

What do you think? Are you able to spend time on what's most meaningful to you?

Have a great week. :)

A Beginning

I've always been afraid of endings. I dodge them, avoid them, find any excuse to hold on to what comes before the end. It's a habit of sorts, and I'll do just about anything to put the pieces of my life on a forever timeline. My fear feels most obvious, most tangible, in the way that I read books. I dive into a narrative headfirst, moving through the pages as quickly as I can, engrossed, only to stop at the final chapter and wait days, weeks even, until I read those final pages. I cling to the hope that's found in "what if?".

Much of my life has felt permanent. My family has stayed together since I was born, my friends has been the same since high school, etc. So much of what I know is linked, the different corners of my life connected because I've made a conscious effort to connect them. My past and my present feel blurred together, and there's comfort, I think, in those ties, in the way that they erase time, making then and now and later feel not so far apart.

In the past, rather than letting a friendship or a relationship or a phase of my life come to an end, I'd force it to shift shape and evolve into something different, more manageable, never quite willing to let it go, even when that may have been easier. And I wonder, sometimes, where that comes from, why goodbye can feel so drenched in dread. I'm grateful to love someone who embraces black-and-white endings, the finality of knowing what is and what isn't. Ifo seems fearless and sure in that way. But me, I've found that I'm most comfortable lingering in the gray area, the murky space where hope seems to live.

All this is to say that I've been wrong. Because most things in life don't belong in the world of forever, and that's a good thing. Endings, for what it's worth, can actually be quite freeing, because endings are opportunities, springboards toward something new. And so maybe, all this time, what I've really feared wasn't reaching the end, but deciding what's next: a beginning.

From Aemy's Lab: Gulai Kawah

dream kitchen

My favorite part of my house is the kitchen. Hi-5 if we have thing in common. ;)

Yep, I've been spending a lot of time in the kitchen these days; not just eating, but also cooking. I'm not a great chef, I don't know all the recipes in the world, but I really love cooking. It's such a joy. I think if you're a food lover, you should love cooking too, right? I like trying new recipe and new ingredient. The kitchen is my laboratory. And I love reading food blogs, chef bloggers' especially, browsing food photos, watching Food Network (Ina Garten, Giada De Laurentiis and Bobby Flay are my favorites) and searching new recipes. Did you watch Julie And Julia? Isn't it a wonderful movie with wonderful casts?! It has inspired me so much to start blogging about cooking. I actually wanna wait until I own a house with cute kitchen. But I don't know when will that happen..so I guess I can just start blogging like Julie Powell anytime..except, I don't have Julia Child's book.

Few days ago I cooked gulai kawah beef. It's like curry, but I didn't use the curry paste, instead I used a special powder mix for gulai kawah that my dad bought from his Kelantanese friend. Traditionally, this dish is cooked in a large cooking crater and usually for big feast or ceremony. But we can also cook it at home for few servings by only using a regular saucepan. So this is how Chef Aemy do it, lol (I've never wrote recipe before, so I don't have the exact measurement, I mean, I just use the ingredients as much as I please..heee..).

Ingredients:

Beef. People commonly use tenderloin, but I use the bones because they really give distinctive flavor especially in broth.

Gulai kawah paste.

Herbs and spices (cinnamon, bunga cengkih, bunga lawang, buah pelaga, ketumbar).

Kerisik.

Coconut milk.

Brown sugar.

Tamarind water.

Ground garlic and onions.

Chili paste.

Ground ginger.

Ground turmeric.

Ground lengkuas.

Potatoes.

Salt and sugar.

Method:

1. Heat the saucepan, add oil and stir-fry the herbs and spices until the aroma is apparent. Add grounded ingredients and stir-fry for a couple of minutes.

2. Add gulai kawah paste, chili paste and kerisik, cook until fragrant and the oil separates.

3. Put the beef meat and bones into saucepan, add plain water, and cook them until the beef get tender.

4. When the beef is tender, add coconut milk, a little bit of brown sugar and tamarind water. Adjust the taste with salt and sugar. Add potatoes.

5. Let it simmer for a while. Serve when it's ready. You can put some garnishes like some chili or parsley.

That's it! ^^

When it Rains

Nothing can be more of a bummer when you have your day planned for going outside and the rain pours. While it's true that nothing beats the feeling of warmth brought about by sunshine, it doesn't mean that you can't have fun being indoors. You might feel that jogging feels more refreshing; shopping's a lot more fun; and other activities seem to become more interesting when the sun's out. But there are many things that you can do when it's raining when you feel like you have no choice but to be cooped at home. I don't feel cooped at all. So what I do when it rains?

Read a book. This might seem like a cliche, but it's really fun.

Watch movies. HBO, Fox, AXN and Star World are my favorite channels. 

Watch tv series that I've recorded in PVR.

Cook a lot; from my favorite meals to the new ones with new recipes. Bake. It's fun to do experiment in the kitchen especially when it rains.

Cuddle with my cats and let them nibble on my fingers. 

Enjoy a good hot cup of coffee or tea.

Browse some fancy stuff like shawls, blouses, shirts, dresses and places to go to someday.

When creativity strikes, I make some D.I.Y projects.

Sometimes I write; short stories, poems, random unsent letters. 

Learn to play piano with my old keyboard.

Blog..like right now. 

Read biographies of famous and inspirational people. 

Listen to cool songs, mostly Paramore's. 

Sleep. 

I don't do all of these things at one rainy day all at once. Since it's been endlessly raining for days, I do different things everyday. However, I still hope that the sun will shine again soon because I do miss going out with my friends..and I need the sun to dry my clothes. 

So what do you do at home when it's raining?

There will come a time when you love the sun again, you will love the flowers; but right now you may love the mist, the rain and the passing of time. Because it reminds you most of yourself, it reminds you of the uncertainty of the future and the loss of the pass. And that's okay, because you're learning to love those little parts of yourself that can be so easily forgotten in the glow and warmth of the sun. One day though, you will dance in the rays of afternoon and you will bask in the hope of restoration. But until then, know that you're allowed to love those silent moments of your life.

5 Years and Counting

Forever can never be long enough for me, to feel like I've had long enough with you..
- Train, Marry Me

The thing about love is that you find a way. It's funny the way things look different when you're in love, the moments are clearer and crisp, but it's the absence of love that makes you notice. I know 6 things about love: 1) it'll make you a better person, 2) it's simple, 3) the more you give, the more you have, 4) it's constant, 5) it can be everything you've hoped for, and 6) it must start with yourself.

I don't know if the world provides us with soulmates, but what I do know is that there's someone I'd pick every time. :)

This man right here, I owe him the world. He has shown me how great it can be to love someone, and how important it is to love and accept myself. He has taught me how to be comfortable in my skin and how to let go of my anger. He has proven to me that there's someone who will love the darkest, scariest parts of you. I've spent 5 years getting to know this beautiful soul as well as to know myself. Within those years we've had some barriers between us, some rough patches, but we're still into each other. I'm so lucky and so blessed to have been given such an amazing and loving man. I thank God every day for sending me such a perfect addition to my life. With him, my weird feels normal and that's all I can ever ask for. 

And today marks our 5th anniversary. Happy anniversary, dearest Ifo. I love you, always have and always will. :)

Marry your best friend. I do not say that lightly. Really, truly find the strongest, happiest friendship in the person you fall in love with. Someone who speaks highly of you. Someone you can laugh with. The kind of laughs that make your belly ache, and your nose snort. The embarrassing, earnest, healing kind of laughs. Wit is important. Life is too short not to love someone who lets you be a fool with them. Make sure they are somebody who lets you cry, too. Despair will come. Find someone that you want to be there with you through those times. Most importantly, marry the one that makes passion, love, and madness combine and course through you. A love that will never dilute - even when the waters get deep, and dark.

It's Called Emy

There's nothing more flattering than someone writing me a song. Ifo composed a new song in one night with his ukulele and it's called "Emy". Imagine my feeling when I woke up this morning with a new message by him, not a text, but an audio..and it's that song. Such a nice way to start a day. ;)

"Emy" by Ifo

It's weird to see my own name as a song title. :p

When I was a teenage girl, I was dreaming and hoping for a man who would serenade me a song while playing piano like in most movie. Now I know, it's not a dream anymore. Except, he's playing ukulele. I still love it. I can't help but feeling like all the flowers in the world are surrounding me and butterflies flying wildly in my tummy. Okay. I'm bad in metaphors. But for real, I'm thankful to have this man in my life. I pray that he's the one.. :)

p.s: Psssttt...it's our anniversary month. Heeee..

A Cure for Restlessness

I remember coming back from a road trip few years ago has left me with a sense of restlessness. It's always hard to go from being in absolute adventure, full of new words and people, to something routine. But it's all about perspective. Throwback moment that I had recently brought my thoughts back to when I was lost in the middle of the town. But it's nice, so I stopped and recalled my childhood moments. Because it's the place I grew up in. There's so much of it I've yet to see. My former life, and yet, that little block I'd never registered in my memory. Or maybe, moving away is what it took for me to notice those things. It's as if you have to leave in order to come home and see what's really there. I have a soul that's always longing to wander. I can't stay indoor even for a week, I'm the kind of person that always wants to be somewhere else. However, I'm still in a season of transition, a time of learning, growing and preparation. I'm not sure what for exactly, but I just know that this is a vital time during which is so important for me to be patient and learn what fuels my soul.

So far I've learned the these, cure for restlessness:

• Tea. Even if you have to microwave the water because you don't have a kettle..

• Books. All kinds. All topics. All the books.

• How I Met Your Mother. Or whatever happens to be your TV fix as of late. Every night as you fall asleep.

• Gratitude. And expressing it.

• Writing letters or postcards. The good, old-fashioned, stick a stamp on it, push it through the mail slot kind.

• Water. Lots.

• Music. As often as you can. As loud as plausible. Singing along.

..and anything nice and easy.

The only way that we can live, is if we grow. The only way that we can grow is if we change. The only way that we can change is if we learn. The only way we can learn is if we are exposed. And the only way that we can become exposed is if we throw ourselves out into the open. Do it. Throw yourself.
- C. Joybell C.

Warrior Blood in my Veins

The 7-day tahlil ceremony for my late grandma (may her soul rest in peace) has came to end last wednesday. It all went well, alhamdulillah. I was glad that Ifo and The Baks came on one of the nights because honestly, I was me again when they're around. It's not that I ain't happy with my family..I don't know how to describe this, but when you and your family are gathering and you know there's a void, deep in your heart wishing someone were there too, then forcing smile or laugh to cover the emptiness, you know. 

Anyway, during the ceremony, there was grandma's uncle that we called him Nek Tamin, 95 years old. He came bringing something valuable for our family; full hierarchy and written story about our ancestors. Surprisingly, after 23 years of living, only now that I've found out who's my great great great grandparents. Nek Tamin's father, which is also grandma's mother's father, was named Awang Besar, who used to be one of the workers that built the train railroads Papar to Tenom. Awang Besar was raised by his adopted family as her mother died when he's a baby and her father went to war, but the real purpose was to hide him from British people. So who were the father and mother of Awang Besar? Believe it or not, they're Datu Paduka Mat Salleh and Dang Bandang. 

Yes, this is not a joke, I'm seriously talking about Mat Salleh, the Sabahan warrior who gained his fame due to his resistance to the British colonials in Sabah. Mat Salleh's my great great great grandfather. I didn't know it until 5 days ago. I'm not sure if late grandma knew it too because she never told us any of it. I think this is another miracle that she left. It's not something to be bragged about, but I was really really surprised. I hated History subject in school, I might even had fallen asleep when the teacher taught us about Mat Salleh, who apparently happens to be one of my ancestors. 

Truth be told, Mat Salleh didn't killed in the battle in 1900. He found shelter somewhere at Indonesia and lived there for 38 years before coming back to Sabah with a new identity, Hj Abdul Salam. That's also when his son, Awang Besar, drew his last breath. This story's told by Nek Tamin who has witnessed everything. I know that according to our History textbook, the story goes different way. Now it's up to you whether to believe the textbook version or the 95-year-old Nek Tamin version. Allah knows best. But it doesn't matter now to me because bygone is bygone. What matters is I know my roots, my ancestors, my family. In a way, knowing that warrior blood runs through my veins is cool. :p

The Times You'll Miss

As my time as a student has came to end, I can't help but reflect on the past 4 years while Vitamin C's Graduation plays in my mind. I'm not going to put you through that, but I'd like to share some words of advice for the juniors, wherever, whoever they are. I'm gonna go ahead and get the cliches out of the way first: College flies by. Get involved. Take advantage of the opportunities. Have fun. Study hard. Don't take those years for granted. Be safe. You'll someday look back on this time and miss it. You will. 

Now that those are out of the way (yet, so very true) I'm gonna add a few of my own what-I-wish-I-had-known-while-in-college lessons. 

1. The library has the best resources. Learn how to use them. Yep, I didn't know this until my last semester. They also have subscriptions to some of the raddest, most expensive websites and databases in the world. Explore your hobbies and interests now. You have the best resources to do so.

2. Have dinner with your dorm mates. They're gonna be the ones that you miss the most after your course mates. 

3. Talk to your lecturers. They're people like us too and (most) always there because they really do want to help you learn. And (most) are experts on extremely specific topics. And (most) wanna tell you about what they know. Make appointment, email/text them if you have questions. Know what's worth debating and what's not. 

4. Put down your phones and talk to people around you. After college, you're probably rarely, if ever, going to be around so many people in the same life stage/situation as you. Everyone's there trying to get a degree. We're all on the same playing field, help each other out. Meet people who are interested in your same hobbies. You may never again see people with the same interests on a daily basis. But don't stick to only groups that agree with what you think or like what you like. Explore different groups and make friends with all kinds of people. This is how you learn. 

5. I think this is probably the most important thing I wish I had known: take control of your course, don't let it control you. Choose something that you're really interested in as your major. Don't just follow what your friends choose or what you parents told you so. I wish I had taken different course. I should've been more open to the idea I'd maybe change my mind before deciding on a major. But it doesn't matter anymore. So get them done. Although you're not the smartest in class, be smart anyway. Don't fall into so much drama. Don't waste your time on people who lead you to bad things. 

6. Get off the laptop and go out with your dorm/course mates sometimes. Go to stadium and run. Have a tea time at cafeteria. Go to cinema. Facebook will be around 10 years down the road, but you won't be on campus forever.

I do miss campus more than words could ever express. This is a chapter I long to return to, but life doesn't work that way. All I can do is let those of you going into college or currently in its throws know that this is it. These are times you will miss. Be present. Cherish every single moment. :)