Flaws and Charms

I've been thinking a lot about how when you love someone, their flaws can become their charms. The strange, quirky, and even the most irritating things that they feel most self-conscious about, and what others, too, may find off-putting, can become exactly what you adore most.

I tend to talk too much and think too much and write too much. I hog the covers. I'm compulsively, unnecessarily early to any and every event. I have a fear of sleeping alone. I'm allergic to dust, I can't help but comment on every preview in movie theaters, and I'm so afraid of cockroach, I won't even watch Oggy and The Cockroaches.

I'm picky about certain vegetables, selfish about sharing my favorite foods, and stubborn when it comes to ordering anything but my go-to meal from familiar restaurants. I'm scared of driving and in theory, I love gardening, but in practice, I'd rather just lay out in the sun with a good book and a orange juice.

Ifo forgets to close wardrobe and put down the toilet seat. He trims his beard on my mirror desk and he lets his dirty clothes make a mountain on the floor. He gets lost in YouTube black holes, watching trailers or learning about weird addictions or the latest conspiracy theories. He can be easily distracted and also easily charmed, for better or for worse.

And despite, or perhaps because of all this, he loves me, and I love him, and our relationship feels stronger. Neither of us is perfect, to be sure, and every once in a while, we'll feel the need to point that out. If you asked us, though, we'd both admit to loving it all. To loving all of each other, even the worst parts, because we know those pieces and understand them and we're proud that we've learned to navigate those darker patches because that effort marks the difference between love and marriage.

Dear Young Hearts

Dear young hearts,

Love is a weird thing, and as you grow older, it doesn't stop getting any weirder or more complex. The love you felt for friends and first loves in high school shifts to a different kind of love in college, which shifts again as you enter adulthood. And each time you fall in love, it'll be different, too. You are, after all, the only thing that stays the same in each relationship you enter, no matter how much you think you have a "type" or that you're doomed to repeat the same relationship over and over again. 

When you're in your 20s, though, there's a lot that flies up in the air all at once. You're juggling a job and debt and a social life and trying to figure out who you are, now more than ever, and some things feel like they slip through the cracks here and there. Relationships sometimes seem like more trouble than they're worth unless you're in them (and sometimes even then, on the bad days), but that doesn't mean that you won't fall in love. You can try, to avoid it, but it'll happen. You can't outrun falling in love.

And whatever the outcome, heartbreak or happiness, forever, or just that momentary second, it'll teach you something about yourself, and about what you do and don't want in your life. Because you need love, and you need it in multiple forms. But what does it mean to love, when you can barely juggle your bills and your student loans and everything else in between? And who do you choose to love? Do you even choose at all? (After all, sometimes it's the love that finds you.) But those are different questions for a different day. So here's the 5 people you'll fall in love with in your 20s.

1. A complete stranger. 

It'll be the cute guy with the perfect hair you see on the bus, or the girl whose carefully-edited Instagram lures you into thinking you really know who she is, or the sales rep who you swear always flirts with you when they make the rounds to your office. It could be anyone, someone whose coffee you accidentally grabbed for at the shop, someone who interacted with a tweet once, someone who you saw in a restaurant and imagined a whole future with in 5 seconds, only as long as you keep them at a distance. This is crucial. You might never see them again, or you might see them under the circumstances that you can't make a move to be something more. But you'll unload all your craziest fantasies onto them without their ever knowing, both because it's less of a burden for you to carry, all of these goals and no one to share them with, turns into all these goals with a make-believe someone else, and because it's less of a risk. You never have to put your heart on the line. You can love from afar. And even unreciprocated love is real. But it's not sustainable, and you'll have to give them back their stranger status eventually, even if you felt like you knew them inside and out. You never did. They were never yours to know. Your idea of them was the only thing you had a right to love. 

2. Someone who could have been.

This can happen frequently now that we live in a world where our memories are preserved forever online. You'll see someone's name pop up on Facebook, or in a throwback photo or at a reunion, and you'll wonder. What could have gone differently? What would you have to do differently to keep them in your life, to keep the relationship going, or to have a relationship at all? And when your 20s are a crazy whirlwind of ups and downs, it seems like a great escape to revert back to your past, and what was once familiar and safe. This is not where you grow, however. Sure, sometimes you realize someone's been under your nose the whole time, but not always. Life isn't a Hollywood romantic comedy, and often, people were left in your past for a reason. Playing a game of could-have-been is an endless free fall. See what lies ahead. You know what could have been, but you don't know yet what could be. And that surprise is magical. 

3. Someone who could give you everything.

You will fall in love with them in the abstract way, that you love the idea of who they are, of where they've been and what they've achieved, because you'll either want to follow in their footsteps, or glean off their success. It's natural to do the latter; in your 20s, you're still young and starry-eyed despite your crappy walk-up, and going on a date with your boyfriend with a Ferrari seems like the way to beat the system. But beyond the material, you'll also fall in love with a boss you really admire, or a mentor whose career you'd love to learn from, and you'll realize that falling in love is not always romantic. Sometimes, it's just fuel. Sometimes it helps remind you why you need to keep pushing to achieve your goals. Sometimes it's just a sign that the path you're on is the right one. (Just don't get inappropriately moon-eyed around your boss. That's weird.) 

4. Your best friend.

Your early adulthood is going to be cold and quiet and lonely at times, and you're going to wonder how it is that people meet other people, and you'll reach out and latch onto the few people who you already have in your life. You'll never want to let go, and you don't have to. Help each other move into crappy apartments and eat pizza on the floor before you unpack. Call each other and text each other and chat each other off the record and snapchat ugly faces and cling as tightly to one another as you possibly can. Learn what it's like to worry about another person so unconditionally that you can tell they're having a bad day just by the length of their texts. Have people wonder if you're actually in a real relationship, but know that this is the truest relationship either of you have ever been in (and that this is not a bad thing). We say best friends are forever in school, and we test these notions in college, but it's in your 20s that you learn the true depth of being in love with your best friend. 

5. Yourself.

At the very least, I really hope you do. Everyone deserves to know what it's like to know that someone loves them just as they are in that moment. It doesn't mean anything less, and sometimes, it even means more, if that person is you.

Why the Sky is Blue

"Do you know why the sky is blue?"
"Because the sky reflects the color of the sea,"
He laughed and said, "When the sunlight enters atmosphere, it works like prism, the lights are scattered in colors. But the blue light is scattered more than the others, and that's why see a blue sky."

He's been busy lately, with work and struggle to get promoted. And I also have been busy hunting for jobs, it's like a never ending activity since I started last month. I've been shooting so many arrows but none of them have landed on the moon yet, not even stars. It's quite a tough time for both of us, but we manage to create our own happiness by phone calls at night, talking about stuff, forgetting the problems and just embracing the moment. That's why we need each other. I love it when he tells me stuff. Science, animals, politics, religion, everything. Then I find myself browsing through the news and articles on NatGeo page. Call me a nerd, because it's what I really am. I love books so much but there's a time when I feel like reading non-fictions like the articles on NatGeo. You should read them too. It's incredible and amazing to learn something new, and important too. It's another way to remind myself that my problems are so insignificant compared to God's gifts. Knowledge is power, knowledge is sexy they said. Well, even though I can just ask Google, most times I prefer to ask my fiance because he's my living Wiki and it becomes my habit to bring the "geek" out of him. I wish someday he would tell our son or daughter why the sky is blue. :)

On Friendship

The best part about growing up in a small town is the inevitability of close, lifelong friendships. The sense of community is overwhelming. Everything feels familiar. Some shops are owned by family friends, you spot your kindergarten teacher at the post office, and you can't quite do errands without running into at least 3 people you know. The togetherness, it's a physical thing, too.

For me, that reality of lifelong connections has led to a clear, specific quality of friendship, namely, that it lasts forever. A sense of closeness, to me, comes from knowing anything and everything. From knowing each other's families and homes, from sharing meals and holidays and traditions. To me, the border between friendship and family is so thin and insignificant so as not to exist at all.

It's been interesting, then, to make friends later in life, to leave that small-town environment and try to establish forever with fresh faces. In college and ever since, I've found that I do everything I can to fill in the backstory between me and another person. My friends could list all my clearest memories from elementary school, high school. They could call out every heartbreak, every small victory. There's not a name they wouldn't recognize, not a story they couldn't retell, and I could point out all of theirs, too, because that's the kind of friendship I love: where all the lines between yours and mine are blurred, where everything becomes shared even if it wasn't at the time.

Of course, that may not work for everyone. That sort of open-book, become-part-of-my-family kind of connection can sometimes feel like too much for a person. Truth is, I find that all-out familiarity comforting, though, as if building a forever is the only way. Or at least the truest.

I'd love to know: Do you feel the same? What defines your ideal friendship?

One Step Closer

Hey everyone! Guess what..

I just got engaged! ^^

Oh wow.. 

I have to start with a big, sincere thank you for all the heartfelt congratulations! We're completely overwhelmed by the outpouring of well wishes, and million thanks to those who came to the engagement ceremony. Thankyouthankyouthankyou!!

When he proposed, I undoubtedly said yes. Now I'm staring at this ring..I can say that, yes, this most definitely is it. He's the one, Mr. Right, the whole package. Everything I always, always knew I wanted..only better.

When people hear that we're engaged, there's an inevitable follow-up question: "Wait...how old are you again?" And when we say that we're 25, the reaction is almost always the same: "Wow," they say, eyebrows raised, surprised. "You're so young."

It's true. We are. And for a long time, as in, my entire life, I imagined that I'd be single right now. I imagined that at 25 I'd be single, living in some place, and nowhere near marriage. I imagined that I'd be living with my girlfriends and pretending that I was Carrie Bradshaw, minus the wardrobe. Instead, though, I met the most incredible person I've ever known. And my girlfriends, we're not living together though. They're spread out across the country. Some are married, engaged and others are single, and hardly any of us are where we expected to be..in Sabah or in life.

I understand that marrying young isn't for some people, I really do. Truth is, I thought it wasn't for me, either. There's something to be said for waiting, for focusing on your friends and your career and dating throughout your life so that by the time you run into that one person, you never have to question it. I believe in that theory, and if I hadn't met Ifo, I'd probably be living it.

I did meet him, though, so any kind of life plan I'd ever created for myself bent and unfolded to allow room for him, for us. And still, I'm always sort of shocked to see how much of my life has gone the way I'd thought it might. I followed the path I set out for myself, and that never really ceases to amaze me.

There are certainly upsides and downsides to marrying young. The most common "downside" is true: in every decision you make, you have another person to consider. In that sense, yes, there's less individual freedom. But to me, I feel sort of blessed to consider Ifo. I feel blessed that there's someone in this world who means so much to me that I want to match my life to his.

A stranger, actually, is the person who said it best, I think. A woman shared her experience on marrying young. "I'd have given anything to share all that extra time with the love of my life," she said. "To share all those extra years, all those experiences in your twenties that shape you forever. You're lucky."

Extra time together, that's how she put it. Lovely, don't you think? Well, 25 is not really young though. Lol.

Well, even if it's cliche, even if it sounds cheesy and ridiculous and totally scripted, I've honestly never felt freer in my life. Because real love, the best kind of love, makes you feel free to be yourself. Free to let go, hold on, take risks, and move forward. Free to be wildly, absurdly happy. And I am. I really, really am. :)

On Love and Looking In

Recently I was talking to a friend about relationships, about the ones that work, the ones that don't, the ones that would have worked or could have worked, and the ones that probably, definitely never should have worked. Eventually, inevitably, the conversation turned to ourselves.

I love talking about relationships. All kinds, really. But I especially love to hear what people have to say about themselves in relationships. It's interesting, isn't it, to think about who you are to someone? To think about the best, worst, and strangest parts of you, all tangled up in love and sometimes loss and sometimes everything all at once? To think about what it's like to love you?

In my younger age I went through a handful of dark and heavy things that forced me to look inward. To look at myself and my place in the world, at why I was who I was and what that meant and where that would take me. I learned to reflect and look inward very early on, too early, maybe..and that, coupled with my writing habits of stepping outside a moment, make me self-aware.

And it must be interesting, so to speak, for better or for worse, to be in a relationship with someone so drenched in that sort of awareness. I think about how odd and tiring it must feel to be in a relationship with someone so aware of moments, someone who steps in and out of them and back in again, all the while internally narrating the ifs and the buts and the maybes. And then I think: seriously, Aemy, stop thinking so much.

Once, in college, a girlfriend joked that our friendship would steer her straight into therapy. She said that my self-awareness is rubbing off. I cracked up, knowing all too well what she meant. We eventually became roommates, and no, she didn't end up in therapy. But there were a lot of late-night talks. And snacks and movies.

Still, that stuck with me, the idea that my self-awareness was something other people were aware of, and that my tendency to reflect might somehow wedge its way into my relationships one way or the other. For better or for worse. I found myself thinking about those faded friendships and relationships with a new sense of clarity, a genuine empathy, realizing what a real turn-off that might be for someone who'd rather not look back or inward. Because not everyone wants to doubt and change and shift and evolve all the time. And that's okay.

I talked to Ifo about what that friend said back in college and he agreed, saying my sense of self is a tangible part of me. I felt a bit embarrassed, then, at 1st, a bit ashamed of that curious, sensitive piece of me. But then I thought about what it all meant, because if it's true, if that piece of me somehow really does rub off, then how lucky I am to be there when that self-awareness strikes, when those walls come down. How lucky I am to grow into relationships with people who look in at themselves, and at me, and who hold both of us accountable for being our best and truest and most sincere selves. For better or for worse.

Let our Scars Fall in Love

We're all seeking that special person who's right for us. 

But if you've been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there's no right person, just different flavors of wrong. 

Why's this? 

Because you yourself are wrong in some way, and you seek out partners who are wrong in some complementary way.

But it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness. 

And it isn't until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems, the ones that make you truly who you are, that we're ready to find a lifelong mate. 

Only then do you finally know what you're looking for. 

You're looking for the wrong person.

But not just any wrong person: the right wrong person, someone you lovingly gaze upon and think, "this is the problem I want to have."

I'll find that special person who's wrong for me in just the right way.

Let our scars fall in love.

If You Love Something, Set It Free

If I knew that there's a happy ending at the end, I wouldn't be afraid of letting go. But that "if" strikes untold fear into me. But then again…I guess that's what love is…you love them anyway, despite the fear of pain. ;)

Enough

Lately, for whatever reason, I've been having a lot of conversations about relationships and friendships; why some of them work, why some don't, why others sort of straddle a strange line between the two. Almost always the conversations begin and end with empathy. And really, that's usually what it boils down to, isn't it? Understanding, appreciation, insight. All those words that run along the spectrum of what it means to be a compassionate, self-aware sort of person. Of course, someone can be as kind and as thoughtful as they know how to be, but that isn't always enough.

Wait, I take that back. "Not enough." That's a phrase that's always bothered me a bit. "Not enough" for what? For who? So often I've heard someone say, "I did everything I could, but it just wasn't enough." Or, worse: "I wasn't enough." To me, that isn't the point. It's not that you aren't enough for somebody else. It's that you aren't enough for you in that relationship, because whatever is or isn't between you and another person doesn't make you feel good. That's the point. It's how you feel about yourself, not how you imagine you stack up against some made-up measurement or expectations.

Because here's the thing, if you're putting your all into something, fully invested in a friendship or a relationship, it better be a something (or someone) that makes you feel good, right?

On My Bookshelf

With my new year's resolution to do more, I've basically turned it into a read-more situation. Ten Things I've Learnt About Love by Sarah Butler has completely blown me away. If I'm being honest, I bought the book for its cover, but the writing is poetic and surprising, each line is more poignant and insightful than the last. It's obvious that Sarah has a unique, artistic way of looking at the world, which comes through in the way she describes letters as colors and in the way she uses sharp, clever lists to open each chapter. I'm absolutely smitten with her work and altogether charmed.

I could go into the plot and all the smart nuances of the story, but for me, it's far more about the artistry of her writing and the feelings she evokes. I'm attached to the idea of place, to the way we build and create our own versions of "home" in the spaces and people we care about. Sarah echoed the same sort of idea in her thoughtful description of her book, calling it "an investigation of how and where we are at home; a way of asking whether we can feel at home without a physical house and vice versa; and a consideration of the role of family and relationships in making (or not making) a home."  Beautiful, right?

Anyway. You know how sometimes you feel like there's a line in a song or a book or a movie that's written just for you? And that if you're able to meet that writer or that musician for a cup of tea, surely you'd become the best of friends and talk about all the wonders of the world? Well, there were some lines for me in this book, and one that truly took me aback. Here's the line:

There are people in my situation who stick to the same place, who draw an invisible line around themselves and won't go outside of it, but I don't know where you are, so I keep moving.

Click here to read my review. ^^

Isn't So Hard to Find

If your heart is hurt, it can be healed again.

Here's proof: There are couples overflowing with joy. Grateful to have found each other. I call it a miracle that's meant to be.

Before forever, of course, there's fear. Fear that we'll never find the one. Fear that the longing we feel is just a phantom itch without an object. We long for someone. It's a very real and specific someone that we don't know yet. Experience hasn't given form to them. We don't know their hobbies, the things they like, the way they eat, the way they like their coffee. We don't know who. And yet we wait.

And then one day, you walk into a place and find love. Despite the tears and all the time, it feels sudden. It's so surprising that all it took was this one moment. A moment that will forever separate the "before" and "after." Really, that's all we're waiting for..just one. One moment. One person.

Which isn't so many, isn't so impossible, isn't so hard to find. :)

Worth Fighting For

What makes a song beautiful is not always the quality of the voice but the distance that voice has had to travel. - Unfinished Song, 2012

Have you watched Unfinished Song (formerly known as Song For Marion)? The film's may be too old for me, but I love it. It's partly inspired by Young@Heart and starring Vanessa Redgrave (Marion), Terrence Stamp (Arthur) and Gemma Arterton (Elizabeth). 

Arthur's a bad-tempered person who sees no value in his wife's participation in elderly choir directed by Elizabeth. As soon as you see Marion sitting on a wheelchair, head covered, you know she's suffering from cancer which is declared terminal by her doctor. And so it happens. She faints during rehearsal, is taken to hospital and is told by doctor to go home and have as much chips and ice cream as she wants since she only has weeks to live. But Marion only wants one thing: to go back to the choir and sing. Despite Arthur's grumpy protestations, as he's being overprotective and really wants to spend as much time with her as possible, Marion returns to rehearsals as the choir prepares to participate in the auditions for a national choral competition. She performs one final song during the audition, True Colors by Cindy Lauper, which is about her relationship to Arthur. And honestly, tears streaming down my face while watching her singing that song. So Marion dies. Right after Marion's death, he decides to shut his only son, whom he has never gotten along, out of his life, even though that means he won't be able to see his cute granddaughter, no matter how fond Arthur is of her. I guess that's what happen when you lose someone you really love, you just want to be alone. Arthur comes to grips with his wife's death and of course, eventually finding the courage to join the choir and sing. At the competition, Arthur sings his heart out with a song that equally expresses his feelings for Marion, Goodnight My Angel by Billy Joel. And it makes me cry once again.

All in all, Unfinished Song is a heartwarming music drama with some beautifully bittersweet musical moments that bring tears of joy and sorrow. It's these moments that really bring the film to life, anchoring and capturing the essence of these complex beings. 

There's something about old couples that makes me realize someone can love you forever. I saw a couple the other day when I was walking down the street. They're old, wrinkled. Watching the way they were with each other, made it seem like they were young. The woman's laughing so hard she had to stop in the middle of the sidewalk to catch her breath. And the man's holding her hand, so sweet, as though whatever enormous life that exists behind them is brand new and fresh when they're together, a blank slate. They held hands the entire time. Then I remembered the time when my late grandparents were still alive, they really loved each other. When my grandfather passed away, my grandmother kept talking about him every single day. Like, "if your grandfather were here..." Well, she passed away last year. May they both rest in peace.

I wish that me and my future husband will always love each other even we become old and grumpy. InsyaAllah. :)

Well, music has a way of getting to the heart. So here's the scene of Arthur singing Goodnight My Angel:

Goodnight, my angel

Time to close your eyes

And save these questions for another day

I think I know what you've been asking me

I think you know what I've been trying to say

I promised I would never leave you

And you should always know

Wherever you may go

No matter where you are

I never will be far away

Goodnight, my angel

Now it's time to sleep

And still so many things I want to say

Remember all the songs you sang for me

When we went sailing on an emerald bay

And like a boat out on the ocean

I'm rocking you to sleep

The water's dark

And deep inside this ancient heart

You'll always be a part of me

Goodnight, my angel

Now it's time to dream

And dream how wonderful your life will be

Someday your child may cry

And if you sing this lullaby

Then in your heart

There will always be a part of me

Someday we'll all be gone

But lullabies go on and on

They never die

That's how you and I

Will be

Stick with Someone not Good Enough

Why do you still stick around when you know that he's abusive, manipulative, lying, boring, insensitive and selfish? Why do you still choose him when you don't even love him anymore? You still choose him because he chose you. That makes you feel better about yourself already. Right? But if he's not good enough, he's not the best that you can get, then why still stay? Why don't you break away from him and this relationship already?

Because you think that there's a binary relationship between him and loneliness; it's either him or loneliness. And you think you can't deal with loneliness. Or you don't wanna deal with loneliness. You don't wanna be alone because you don't know what to expect from it. You've been in a relationship for such a long time it feels unusual to not have someone to call or text all the time. It's weird to not have someone in mind to think about to get that fuzzy feeling in your chest. It's boring to not have someone to miss or buy things for when you go shopping. There's no someone to remind you that you're special too.

So to not risk throwing yourself into confusion, you choose to stay with him. And then you make yourself think that he's good enough albeit all his imperfections. That he's the best for you. So you tolerate all the little things in the relationship. You try to accept his flaws. You try to accept how he never makes you feel completely safe, you then think that you're the one going crazy, you're the one being insecure about things. You try to accept the lack of trust in the relationship, you think you two need to let time heal the wounds.

You become okay with knowing that he's not 100% in the game. That he's not as committed, passionate or forthcoming as before. That he thinks about things but doesn't really share them with you. You're unhappy because you feel jealous. You feel that many other things seem to be taking him away from you. The only time you feel secure is when you sit down with him and look him straight in the eyes, and know that he's there. That he's also looking back, at you and only you. That moment's perfect. That moment's what you think you only need. There and then, you know that he's yours. But those moments never last. When he's gone from your side, you begin to go through those images in your head and sieve out the ones you doubt. And you start to question: Why's he not texting me? Is he really so busy at work? When's the last time he said "I love you" to me? Why's he not asking about how's my day so far? 

Obviously, that moment's not enough. It's not all that you need. And so you help him with excuses. Because you rather face his hot-and-cold temperament, his inconsistency in things, his lack of initiative, and his lack of pride in you, than to face loneliness. You help him with excuses to feel better about it all. You tell yourself he loves you. You shouldn't have to. You tell yourself you're the most important thing in his life. He should be telling you this himself. Now and then, now and then.

You choose a love that's "not that bad" because of its consistency. But consistency can be a bad thing too, it means that things will never change. You expect him to change. But the truth is, he will never change for you. But at least it's better than loneliness, huh? Decide now. 

Just because someone desires you, does not mean that they value you.
Read it over.
Again.
Let those words resonate in your mind.

I Value Class

I've been thinking about class; class in the sense of courtesy, virtue. Class as a noun, a quality to be possessed. Class is what I treasure most in a person. I don't necessarily mean "class" in some sort of elite sense, either. This isn't to say that I value manners and etiquette and sophistication above all. What I mean to say is that I value decency. Graciousness. Grace.

I value the sorts of people who are kind when no one's watching, who are honest about their own faults, who speak up for themselves when it's appropriate while maintaining respect for the person they're speaking to. I value people who are loyal and true, who selflessly build up other's successes and then easily, humbly, accept praise in return. People who are compassionate and considerate, people who remember to call on birthdays and random days, too, just because you're on their mind.

I value people with genuine civility, the ones who help the old lady at the grocery store and strike up a conversation with the cashier. The ones who see people as people. Who befriend their neighbor, their postman, their plumber, their best friend's sister's boyfriend's aunt. I value people who appreciate handwritten letters and phone calls, people who realize that some occasions call for something more than a text, something more than an email. Who send a song or a book or a cut-out article to somebody they care about because they just know that they'll appreciate it. I value people who can admit their mistakes and learn from them. People with the heart to forgive, with the guts to hold on, with the empathy to understand another person, or the willingness, even, to try.

Like I said: I value class. And I'm not perfect. No, far from it. I'm not always the person I wanna be; a person with tact and dignity and class. Sometimes I fail. But I can try, I can do my best. And I can hold the world to a higher standard, because I do think we have it in us. Don't you?

Don't Wait 3 Days to Text First

I've stopped being sorry for all my soft. I won't apologize because I miss you, or because I said it, or because I text you first, or again. I think everyone spends too much time trying to close themselves off. I don't want to be cool or indifferent, I want to be honest. If I love you at 5 a.m, I'd damn well rather that you know I felt it. If I love you 2 hours later, I'll tell you then too. Listen, I won't wait double the time it takes for you to text me back because I don't want to. I don't care enough to be patient with you. I'm happy, you made me feel that way, don't you want to know? So that's how it's going to be. I'm going to leave myself open. And I'm going to wake you up before the crack of dawn to tell you that I'm joyful, no pretending, not from me, not ever. Would you like some coffee?
- Azra, T., Don't Wait 3 Days to Text First

This is How You Lose Her

Here's to all the guys, dudes and gentlemen out there..

This is how you lose her.

You lose her when you forget to remember the little things that mean the world to her: the sincerity in a stranger's voice during a trip to the grocery, the delight of finding something lost or forgotten like a sticker from when she was 5, the selflessness of a child giving a part of his meal to another, the scent of new books in the store, the surprise short but honest notes she tucks in her journal and others you could only see if you look closely.

You must remember when she forgets.

You lose her when you don't notice that she notices everything about you: your use of the proper punctuation that tells her continuation rather than finality, your silence when you're about to ask a question but you think anything you're about to say to her would be silly, your mindless humming when it's too quiet, your handwriting when you sign your name in blank sheets of paper, your muted laughter when you're trying to be polite, and more and more of what you are, which you don't even know about yourself, because she pays attention.

She remembers when you forget.

You lose her for every second you make her feel less and less of the beauty that she is. When you make her feel that she's replaceable. She wants to feel cherished. When you make her feel that you're fleeting. She wants you to stay. When you make her feel inadequate. She wants to know that she's enough and she doesn't need to change for you, nor for anyone else because she's she and she's beautiful, kind and good.

You must learn her.

You must know the reason why she's silent. You must trace her weakest spots. You must write to her. You must remind her that you're there. You must know how long it takes for her to give up. You must be there to hold her when she's about to. You must love her because many have tried and failed. And she wants to know that she's worthy to be loved, that she's worthy to be kept.

And, this is how you keep her.

Time Won't Wait

It's kind of dichotomous, you know? Celebrating life and mourning death. The excitement of being together with family and friends contrasted with sadness for the circumstances that brought us there. It's been 50 days since my grandmother passed away, but the funeral day's still fresh in my mind. Although we were gathered because of her death, I realized that we're actually all there because of her life.

When's the last time you told your family/friends/lovers that you love them? Death taught me to say it now. And to say it the way you mean it with every ounce of love. It showed me how to be appreciative of someone else's time. To express a grateful heart before the moment escapes me. To stay curious. 

The thing about death is that it makes you think about how you're living, the legacy people have created with all that they leave behind, how you've spent time. And I wonder about how many times I've let an opportunity passed by to tell someone how much they mean to me while they're there, right there. I also think back how many phone calls I didn't make or pick up, the questions I didn't ask and the stories I never heard. And how many chances I've blown that one day I hope to get back. But the thing about time is that you can't go back. Just forward.  

Here's to no longer keeping things off for tomorrow. Because all we really have is today.

Do it now. Say it now. Be it now.

5 Years and Counting

Forever can never be long enough for me, to feel like I've had long enough with you..
- Train, Marry Me

The thing about love is that you find a way. It's funny the way things look different when you're in love, the moments are clearer and crisp, but it's the absence of love that makes you notice. I know 6 things about love: 1) it'll make you a better person, 2) it's simple, 3) the more you give, the more you have, 4) it's constant, 5) it can be everything you've hoped for, and 6) it must start with yourself.

I don't know if the world provides us with soulmates, but what I do know is that there's someone I'd pick every time. :)

This man right here, I owe him the world. He has shown me how great it can be to love someone, and how important it is to love and accept myself. He has taught me how to be comfortable in my skin and how to let go of my anger. He has proven to me that there's someone who will love the darkest, scariest parts of you. I've spent 5 years getting to know this beautiful soul as well as to know myself. Within those years we've had some barriers between us, some rough patches, but we're still into each other. I'm so lucky and so blessed to have been given such an amazing and loving man. I thank God every day for sending me such a perfect addition to my life. With him, my weird feels normal and that's all I can ever ask for. 

And today marks our 5th anniversary. Happy anniversary, dearest Ifo. I love you, always have and always will. :)

Marry your best friend. I do not say that lightly. Really, truly find the strongest, happiest friendship in the person you fall in love with. Someone who speaks highly of you. Someone you can laugh with. The kind of laughs that make your belly ache, and your nose snort. The embarrassing, earnest, healing kind of laughs. Wit is important. Life is too short not to love someone who lets you be a fool with them. Make sure they are somebody who lets you cry, too. Despair will come. Find someone that you want to be there with you through those times. Most importantly, marry the one that makes passion, love, and madness combine and course through you. A love that will never dilute - even when the waters get deep, and dark.

Make Life Easier for Each Other

Most of us don't want to back off from our favorite thing. We won't even do our second favorite thing. Imagine yourself screwing over entire lanes of traffic because the driver forgot to get in the left lane, so you cut over several lanes to make your turn before the light changes. Don't you think that you just shove your car through everybody's life? 

We have to stop doing things like this to each other sometimes. We're all just going the best we can in life, and our best would be 10 times more awesome if we tried to make the lives of people around us better, because as a result, our lives will be better. If everyone wants everyone else to be okay, then won't we all be okay? So what we can do to make life easier for each other? Here's some tips for me, you and everyone.

1. Don't ever tell anyone they look tired.

2. Help people, and if you offer to help someone, follow through.

3. Be kind to people who work in retail and food service.

4. Let someone know you’re not interested.

5. Actually hang out sometime.

6. Be a little more honest.

7. Stop calling each other mean names on the Internet.

8. Send more letters (not emails or text messaging or whatsapp or bbm, etc) and gifts.

9. Give more genuine compliments.

10. Have more patience while waiting in lines.

Unrequited

..this one is quite related to the previous post..

Would you ever go after a guy that isn't interested in you? If you would, what would you do to get to know him more and how to talk to him? I'm really awkward while he's really lively.

Stop. Please, for your own sake. Guys who aren't interested in you don't deserve you. That's it. End of story. Why torture yourself over someone who doesn't appreciate all the things you have to offer? When it happens, with a person, it happens. You know. You fit. You both work for it.

If a guy didn't realize it, well maybe he may at one point "get it" but, it's not your job to wait. Do your thing. Be the best person you can be for yourself. 

Be his friend, be yourself. At the end of the day, that's all you can do.