2017

I started sharing annual lookbacks in 2012, which I called my favorite year yet. Then came 2013, a year of firsts; 2014, a year of opposites; and 2015, a year of learning. This past year, of course, has been a year of growth. It wasn't just physical growth, although there was plenty of that..hello, baby bump! There was also a whole lot of new, uncharted emotional territory. I found out that I was pregnant in the middle months of last year, so 2016 started with that electric thrill of knowing you're on the edge of something big. And big it's been.

So here's what I hope for you in 2017..yes, you, my readers..if there's any.

I hope you take a look around at the people who have held you together for another year. Let's face it, even the most independent spirit needs a shoulder to lean on, and in the routine of day to day it's easy to forget that you've had people cheering you on and holding onto you on the days and nights where you couldn't even think of taking another step forward. Yet here you are, and so are they, and you're the luckiest person in the universe to be able to say that.

I hope you silently thank the people who walked out of your life this year. For one reason or another, not everyone stays, not just romantically, but in friendships too. Not every person you expect to stand by your side ends up coming through. Some people weren't intended to be in your story for the rest of your years, but temporary characters woven throughout your stories, to teach you lessons and make you a better person. And if they left your life, I hope you don't beat yourself up and carry it with you, but be grateful for the times you had together, and wish them well.

I hope you open your arms to new people. That you don't only decide that the faces you've come to know and the voices you're so used to hearing are the only ones that will ever matter. That you don't pass up the chance to say hi to that stranger who's reading the book you love, or to that person who you suspect you would get along with, but you're too afraid to make the first move. Make moves. Close the gaps between you and the people in this world. Remember that for every person in your life that you love so dearly, they were once a stranger too, and now you can't imagine life without them, so why not give others that chance too?

I hope you open your heart, too. Maybe you have someone who will be kissing you at midnight and holding your hand into this new year, and for that, be grateful. Yet over time we tend to stop exploring and believing there's anything left to discover in a person, we stop caring as much because we think we know everything. Take a look at this person, and look at their face, are they the same person you knew at the beginning? Discover them again, and again, and again. If you don't have your forever person, or any person at all, then I hope you open your heart as wide as you know how. That you don't allow past hurts and loves gone wrong to cause you to never try again. I hope you do the opposite, I hope you love without hesitation, without worrying they will break your heart, because let me tell you, everyone's gonna break your heart a little. If you never open your heart, you'll never find the love you deserve. So do it.

I hope you take chances, little ones, big ones, everything in between. Whether it's a simple change from your usual style that you've been too nervous to try, or it's an opportunity that changes your entire life, I hope you take it. I hope you don't allow past voices and the self-deprecating words in your head tell you that you're not worth it; that you don't let them keep you from going for dreams and chances you never thought possible. That you don't stay within the confines of comfort that you've used as an excuse to play it safe. That you see more than that in yourself, and that you do something about it.

I hope in 2017, you surprise yourself with just how incredible you are.

Cheers to 2017!

Priceless Birthday

Brunch at Upperstar with my fiance, his mom and sister

My family threw me a surprise party at KFC

Fruity ice cream cake, my favorite

Twenty five 

My 25th birthday was sunny, simple, sweet and full of fabulous surprise. There were time well spent with my family, long and lingering dinners with Ifo, coffee with friends, and a whole lot of special, pinch-me moments from the birthday weekend. My cheeks are rosy, my stomach aches from laughing too hard and eating far too many food, and, well, 25 is off to a pretty good start. For me, birthdays tend to inspire a bit of reflection. Each year I look back at the year behind me, and I have to say, if 25 treats me half as well as 24, I'll be a lucky girl indeed. Fast forward a year and everything's changed, everything but the people beside me. And that's really all that matters, isn't it? Thanks again for all the sweet birthday wishes! :)

Who Am I at 25

I've been thinking a lot about what I would, what I should, write for this. And the thing is, well, I haven't come up with much. Other than...

I'm okay. Here I am. 25. And I'm okay. Thrilling, right? Well, for me, it is. Okay is nothing short of utterly and completely thrilling. Because for so long I was not. Okay. And then I was not quite.

I have moments. All the time. Moments where I feel like I should have done more. Been more. Said more. Moments where I feel so far behind. I'm 25 already. This is it? This is all I've accomplished? But then I quietly remind myself that we all have different paths. Different life trajectories. Our stories vary. And my accomplishments, my multitudinous (yup, I just used that word) victories are mostly private. Things that others might never understand. But for me those victories are the difference between not okay. Not quite. And just fine.

And just fine, okay, whatever-you-want-to-call-it is the beginning. The beginning of everything. The part of my story where my successes become (i hope) a bit more public.

So who am I at 25?

I'm someone who believes that unsolicited smiles by strangers are one of the most profound acts of kindness possible.

I still use the pajamas that my mother gifted me for my 18th birthday. It immediately brings me back to a time of naivete and endless possibility.

The quote that makes the most sense to me right now, right at this very moment: Sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I'm not living  - Jonathan Safran Foer 

If I could go anywhere tomorrow I'd hop on a plane and land in Paris. Then I'd go to Rome. And sit in cafe after cafe after cafe. Saturating myself in beauty and history. And a lot of gelato. 

I'm engaged to an amazing man. I'm full of more love than I ever expected to be and I'm sure of him than I've ever felt about anything. 

I don't know where life goes from here. But I'm so excited to go boldly into the unknown. To try. and to fail a little, as inevitably I will. But also to start gathering successes. Collecting them one by one in the cradle of my arms so I can lay them on the alter of this life as my humble (and multitudinous) thanks.

I am so thankful to be 25. To be 25 and just fine.

Happy birthday to me. 

One Step Closer

Hey everyone! Guess what..

I just got engaged! ^^

Oh wow.. 

I have to start with a big, sincere thank you for all the heartfelt congratulations! We're completely overwhelmed by the outpouring of well wishes, and million thanks to those who came to the engagement ceremony. Thankyouthankyouthankyou!!

When he proposed, I undoubtedly said yes. Now I'm staring at this ring..I can say that, yes, this most definitely is it. He's the one, Mr. Right, the whole package. Everything I always, always knew I wanted..only better.

When people hear that we're engaged, there's an inevitable follow-up question: "Wait...how old are you again?" And when we say that we're 25, the reaction is almost always the same: "Wow," they say, eyebrows raised, surprised. "You're so young."

It's true. We are. And for a long time, as in, my entire life, I imagined that I'd be single right now. I imagined that at 25 I'd be single, living in some place, and nowhere near marriage. I imagined that I'd be living with my girlfriends and pretending that I was Carrie Bradshaw, minus the wardrobe. Instead, though, I met the most incredible person I've ever known. And my girlfriends, we're not living together though. They're spread out across the country. Some are married, engaged and others are single, and hardly any of us are where we expected to be..in Sabah or in life.

I understand that marrying young isn't for some people, I really do. Truth is, I thought it wasn't for me, either. There's something to be said for waiting, for focusing on your friends and your career and dating throughout your life so that by the time you run into that one person, you never have to question it. I believe in that theory, and if I hadn't met Ifo, I'd probably be living it.

I did meet him, though, so any kind of life plan I'd ever created for myself bent and unfolded to allow room for him, for us. And still, I'm always sort of shocked to see how much of my life has gone the way I'd thought it might. I followed the path I set out for myself, and that never really ceases to amaze me.

There are certainly upsides and downsides to marrying young. The most common "downside" is true: in every decision you make, you have another person to consider. In that sense, yes, there's less individual freedom. But to me, I feel sort of blessed to consider Ifo. I feel blessed that there's someone in this world who means so much to me that I want to match my life to his.

A stranger, actually, is the person who said it best, I think. A woman shared her experience on marrying young. "I'd have given anything to share all that extra time with the love of my life," she said. "To share all those extra years, all those experiences in your twenties that shape you forever. You're lucky."

Extra time together, that's how she put it. Lovely, don't you think? Well, 25 is not really young though. Lol.

Well, even if it's cliche, even if it sounds cheesy and ridiculous and totally scripted, I've honestly never felt freer in my life. Because real love, the best kind of love, makes you feel free to be yourself. Free to let go, hold on, take risks, and move forward. Free to be wildly, absurdly happy. And I am. I really, really am. :)

Goodbye 2014

Here we are saying goodbye to 2014. Ah how time flies so fast. Well, I didn't achieve much this year. But I must say that 2014 is the year of so many firsts. I spent the whole year teaching primary and high school kids. It's one of the best things I've ever done in my life, a wonderful job and I love those kids. I also bought my first iPhone as the reward for my own effort and I think it's gonna be my last phone (or not. Lol.). And this year, Ifo got his first job at Essem Corp. ^^ Annnnnnddd this year, on 23rd December, marks our 6th anniversary of being together. 6 years and counting. ;)

Also, since my mother has retired from the government in September, we started a small family business: catering. We cater for any events or occasions that require some food. We had our first experience on catering for 2-days Islamic Program in our neighborhood which went so well. We've also signed contract with soldier camp at Lokkawi and now we're catering for the army field commanders and some officers (I don't know what to call them) everyday during breakfast. It's been great so far. I don't mind getting up at dawn to work at the kitchen with my mom. Cooking is a fun thing to do anytime anywhere. 

Besides, I have another reason to get up before sunrise: fitness routine. I've been running and doing some workouts that I learned from Youtube; squats, sit-ups, push-ups and burpees. Morning is the perfect time to do my fitness workout. Well I don't quite know why I start doing it, I just do it, you know. Even my mom says I'm not too fat to exercise. But it's not the matter of losing weight actually (I'm underweight, for the record), maybe I just want to be fit, maybe I want a body like Jennifer Lawrence, maybe I want to climb Mount Kinabalu in 2015, or maybe I don't need reasons at all. Just do it. 

I don't want to write about my new resolutions. Apart from being too mainstream, it never works. I mean for me..please, don't let my words ruin your spirit. I do think about my goals..short term and long terms, but I'm not gonna write it down here. While we're all faced with different circumstances, our journey of trying to feel whole, improve and face our trials is the same. No matter what goals you may have for this new year, may I suggest that you look at your life and your beautiful self with gratitude. And depending on where you are in your life right now, even if you can't think of much to be grateful for, be grateful for the opportunity you have to change. Even if your circumstances are not changeable, YOU can always change and become something greater than you are.

And, as we work to improve ourselves, may we not dwell in negativity because of any weakness, flaw or inadequacy we have now.  May we go after our goals with all our hearts? Yes! But dismiss that harmful script in our head that says, "we aren't good enough."  Instead, as hard as it may seem, let's accept that our weaknesses are necessary for us to improve, and embrace them and be grateful for them. That tiny change in perspective is huge. Have faith and be patient. That's what I've learned in 2014. 

Have an awesome 2015. Happy New Year!

Perfect, Sweet-Filled Birthday

3rd October 2014 was my 24th birthday. And, inevitably, I find myself considering where I am, where I've been..whether I'm who I expected to be at this age, whether I'm doing what I expected to do. Truth is: I am and I'm not. Some things have fallen right into place, right where I always imagined they would. Other things, though, have been surprises. Good and bad ones. But all of it, I'm very happy to say, feels right. As if it's inevitable. Certain, in the most wonderful of ways. And if I have one wish for 24, it'll be holding on to that. The feeling that everything, even the unexpected, is just as it should be.

When asked how I wanted to spend my birthday, I said I just wanted to spend it with the ones I love. Just like in the past. I didn't expect any cakes, gifts or celebration. But actually that's what I really got.....

After having a movie night (Anabelle..stupid creepy doll) and sleepover (it's been soooooo long since high school) with my girls (Farah and Jana) at Farah's place, Ifo took me out for a date on my birthday. It's a simple, lovely date; just me and him, watching Dracula Untold (awesome movie!), eating pizza, talking and talking and laughing. And hey, I got new books! If I stay and Where She Went, both by Gayle Forman. 

Two days after my birthday, we went out again, with other friends this time. It was raining heavily outside and I thought that something hot or soupy would be nice, so I suggested to eat at Natural Kitchen. But Ifo insisted to go to Secret Recipe, so we did. When we got there, Selvin and Russel were already waiting at the table. They hadn't ordered anything but plain water. Then Ifo excused himself to call Jasper outside, so we waited for them while browsing the menus. 

Few minutes later, Ifo and the rest appeared at the stairs; Ifo (playing ukulele), Desmond (holding a cake), Jasper, Mark and Carol. They're all singing out loud a Happy Birthday song, clapping..and I was....oh my God, I was so speechless, so surprised..I didn't know what to say. I just laughed and felt touched and ashamed at the same time. Touched, because I didn't expect any of those and it's been so long since I had that kind of surprise celebration..embarrassed, because everybody in the restaurant was looking at me and clapping along. Suddenly I became the centre of attention. Lol. It was all Ifo's idea..he'd been planning everything for almost a week, he brought The Baks and Wonder Women (girls group consisting me, Carol, Nelly, Fytt and Etha, but only Carol available that day) together as a team to celebrate my birthday. How nice! They even made a secret group chat to discuss the whole things. 

It was so sweet and wonderful. Thank you, everyone..thank you so much for surprising me good, I owe you guys a big time. I'm so grateful to have you guys in my life. And darling Ifo, I can't thank you enough..I love you. :)

post-sleepover

I'm a happy birthday girl

the cake was awesome

my sweethearts

I love you ^^

Breathing

"Your true passion should feel like breathing. It's that natural." - Oprah

I loved watching The Oprah Winfrey Show and I almost never missed an episode. That seems to be at the center of what she stands for. Self-awareness, consciousness, knowledge of your spirit and your truth and your own physical presence. I think the important message is to question, recognize, and improve yourself. What I appreciate most about Oprah is how confidently she talks about personal passions. How wisely she speaks of that inner fire, the feeling of destiny, of things that make you feel most yourself. I've been asked why I write. And when I answer, I admit that I don't write to be read. I write for the sake of writing. For the process, the struggle, and the unique elation that comes during the sweet, split-second moment that inspiration strikes. Mostly, I write to know myself. To me, writing's about discovering the shape of my thoughts and then tracing and retracing that shape until it becomes something clear and crisp, something I can recognize, maybe even something I can understand. 

Honestly, some days the words don't come easily. Some days I find myself forcing them out, racking my brain or my journal..or, well, random internet prompts..for that magic spark of the idea. Other days, though, Oprah's right, it's really like breathing. Instinctive and spontaneous, habitual and liberating and subconscious. Those days, writing is a sign of life. But today, this is all I can write. I was going to write a recap of Syawal, to tell a story about the wonderful celebration of Hari Raya. Well...you know how good the pictures can tell the story. ;)

Raya with family:

Raya with friends:

Syawal has always been a great month because it's when all of the family members gather together and it's also when I can meet my friends. Sometimes I wish I could go back to those moments and freeze them. Family and friends are my passion. True passion feels like breathing. They're the sign of my life. :)

Welcoming Ramadan

Prophet Muhammad (SAW) stated, "Whoever fasts a day for the sake of Allah, Allah (SWT) will distance his face from the hell fire by the distance of 70 years." (Bukhari)

Imagine. Someone really, really important is coming to visit you. Surely, you'd cook, clean, shop, prepare and plan everything for them. You'd make sure they're comfortable and well taken care of. You'd ascertain that everything's perfectly ready and adequately in place before they arrive. Now imagine someone coming to visit you that's even more important than that; more precious, more valuable, more honorable. Wouldn't you prepare even more and give it the best you got?

Well, the best month of the year, the most blessed and most precious, is here. The month that brings the fragrance of Jannah (heaven) and the sweetness of Imaan (faith), the tears of Taubah (repent) and the forgiveness of your Lord. And it's bringing with it a night that's equivalent in worship and reward, to more than a thousand months. Wouldn't you want to prepare for that? Wouldn't you want to be ready for it with all your heart and soul so that you don’t miss this great opportunity? They say the more prepared we are for something, the easier it is for us to handle it and the greater the chances that we'll be successful at it. So what are our resolutions this time?

Let's reduce the amount of food we eat during this month and continue the same spirit for the rest of the year. I love eating food and I love cooking it too. However, I do believe we eat far too much food and worst still we waste even more. So let's only take on our plate the amount we can eat and eat all that we take on our plate. We may actually lose some weight in that process. 

Let's eat healthy and wholesome food. Many of us place so much emphasis on permissible (halal) food but forget the other one, wholesome and beneficial food (tayyib). Let's not buy too much processed food and stop eating junk food. What we eat is what we are. 

Let's appreciate more the food that we eat. While we're fasting the food smells more tantalizing, the taste buds become extremely sensitive and food taste heavenly. By abstaining from eating and drinking we learn to respect the food more and I appreciate it when I get it. Let's be more grateful, respectful and appreciative of the food we buy and eat.

Let's give more in charity. We would spend over RM500 buying food, clothes, grocery, etc. Imagine, how it'd be if we all gave that money to a charity. After all fasting makes us understand the pain of hunger and thirst and pushes me to sympathize with the less fortunate. In the month of Ramadan, let's donate to the poor and the needy.

Let's not do any evil, speak no evil and see no evil. While fasting we can abstain from swearing or fighting with anybody. Let's not get involved in backbiting, slandering or gossiping about people. Let's not lie or cheat anybody. Let's be honest, kind and conscientious to people. Ramadan is the month of mercy, so let's be more merciful. It's the month of forgiveness, so let's forgive those who have wronged us. Let's not look at or listen to or see anything that will weaken our faith and resolve to be good.

Let's give up our bad habits. Although I don't smoke, for those who smoke Ramadan must be an amazing opportunity to give it up. Let's replace bad habits with good, productive and useful habits. My bad habit may include watching excessive TV, spending too much time on my cellphone or internet. Some people sleep far too much, it's a bad habit too. In Ramadan let's try our best to reduce our desire to sleep so much. Whatever bad habit you have, join me and make a pledge to give them up.

Let's devote more time with family. I have a wonderful family. I have a great mom and dad. I have 6 siblings and a handful of nieces and nephew. I'll spend more time with them this Ramadan and appreciate all the happiness and pleasure they give me. 

Let's devote more time in developing and sustaining our relationship with Allah. The whole purpose of fasting is to help us develop a stronger commitment to Allah and enhance our character with the attributes that Allah loves most. This month gives us every opportunity to do just that. Let's spend more time reading and studying the Qur'an, spend more time in reflection and remembrance of His Grace.

Have a meaningful and wonderful Ramadan. Happy fasting! :)

Mama

Moms are great. 

And we should celebrate them every day of the year. 

Because every day is Mother's Day, when it comes to the person who gave you life. 

You're continually amazed by how much love a mom can have, and how much she gives every day. 

You never forget the sacrifices she made for you. 

And now that you're a little bit older, you understand that even though she could be tough, she only wanted the best for you. 

And all you ever wanted was to make her proud and to make her smile. 

She taught you how to be a good person and that it's the little, everyday gestures that really matter. 

So make sure you're always there for the ones who were there for you from the start. 

Happy Mother's Day. ^^

In Your Heart or On Its Way

Nizam & Nana :)

Last Friday my best friend, Nizam, got married to the woman he loves after 5 years of relationship. I couldn't attend the ceremony because something came up at that time, but I met Nizam to have some words, say congrats and all the best wishes. It's the least I can do. Besides, it's been a really long time we didn't meet. 

We used to be neighbors and went to same school, have been like brother and sister ever since. Actually there were 3 of us; goofed around, fought, shared problems, helped each other in studies, sang our favorite songs, spent holidays together..just like siblings. But then one of us died in 2006. Nizam drifted away and I stayed with my other friends. We lost a brother and thought we've lost everything. But friendships remain forever and we're just trying to grasp reality because the grief was too consuming. We got each other, we've moved on. The memories and friendship we have are the only reasons we keep in touch now. 

And I couldn't be happier when Nizam finally got married. I'm sure it was a beautiful, blessed wedding. :)

He waited 5 years to marry his girl, juggled with studies and different jobs, and his hard work has paid off. He got a fix job now and he grabs the chance to propose. I'm really proud of him. 

I love weddings. Absolutely love them. Whether it's a dear friend's wedding or someone I've never even met, my heart swells watching two people celebrate their never-ending love for one another. And when my best friends marry the love of their lives, holy moly..my heart would nearly jump right out of my chest with happiness.

How on earth will I keep my heart from exploding with love the day I marry the love of my life? Do they have vitamins to prevent that? Lol.

Well, congratulations again to Nizam and Nana. May they live happily ever after. :)

..and life gets more exciting with each passing day, and love is either in your heart or on its way.

Week of Celebration

It's been a great week!!

8th January marks the 24th birthday of a friend of mine and Ifo, Jasper Olsen Francis. As requested by his girlfriend, Fenny, who's currently working in peninsular, we threw a party for him. I probably know how it feels to be in long distant relationship, ones would want their partner to have a special moment on birthday even though they're away from each other. So we ordered cheese cake and celebrated at Tanjung Aru's SugarBun. It's not really a surprise party because we didn't have enough time to set it up. We gave Jasper a superhero mask as a gift, since he looks like Aaron Taylor-Johnson and we called him KickAss. It's not even a KickAss mask, but it still made him look like one. I think it's time to introduce The Baks members to you (I'll do this on each birthday). Jasper is a pharmacist, has been Ifo's friend since high school and I met him at matriculation. He's a very nice guy to hangout with, you can never be bored when he's around because he's very friendly and talkative. What we like about him is that he's an informative, adventurous, easy-going and open-minded person. He's someone that will always be there for friends in good and bad times. When you share your problems with him, he'd come up with the best advice and solutions. And he's multitalented; karate kid, pianist, athlete. We're glad to have him as a friend. :)

On Friday, me with Ifo and my sister went back to Papar to help preparing for tahlil feast that was held on the next day. Since we couldn't attend it, we came a day earlier to help in preparation. Ifo also gave some helps in the kitchen, he's good at it and I was glad that he got along very well with my relatives; aunts, uncles, cousins, neighbors. They all love him. 

On 11th, I went to my best friend's wedding reception at Permai D'Valley Ratau. I'm genuinely happy that Rafizza's finally married to her Navy man, Lt Haffiz. We came quite late, so we missed the earlier sessions like Navy parade and some traditions, but it's okay as long as I can meet the bride and groom, see the happiness and took pictures together. There were 2 pelamin, one of them is the modern pelamin, prettily decorated in purple and white, matched the bride's purple dress. Then they changed into Dusun Lotud traditional costume to sit at the other pelamin. There's quite a vibe of Sabah on the reception, I guess they wanted to introduce Sabah to the groom's family as they're from West Malaysia. Congratulations to Rafizza and Lt Haffiz, I wish they live happily ever after. ^^

And I'm happy to announce that I got a new job, it's not like an official or day-to-day job, but as a freelance writer, I call it a job. I love it. Another web project is coming soon, it's not really a big thing but I'm gearing up. On top of that, I'll be starting a temporary job as substitute teacher again soon at a primary school. Well, this is the life of an unemployed 24-year-old lady. Blissfully content. 

happy birthday Jasper!

kickass!

Dusun Lotud traditional costume

congrats Rafizza and Lt Haffiz

New Year without Resolution

Nope, no new year's resolution for me. Because my new year's resolutions never make it to the next year. Somehow excuses, stress or sidetracks always get in the way. Don't get me wrong, I'm the biggest advocate for personal growth and accomplishing goals. But for me, new year's resolutions don't always work that way.

My resolution is days. Days full of meaning. Especially because I love nothing more than writing up a to-do list for the things I need to accomplish that day (and I'm usually successful at completing my lists).  I started this because it's important for me to start right when I was extremely motivated. While loving the idea of bringing on the new year with a personal goal in mind, I also love the idea of bettering yourself at any given moment of every single day.

Last year I was told that the way you spend your new year is the way you'll spend your year. True or not, I liked how it sounded. So this year, I make sure my new year's perfect. I'm gonna spend it with the people I love. Laughing, away from my phone, cooking and eating together, being grateful, and having fun.

One of my worst personal qualities was my problem with focusing on the final destination rather than the journey. I typically got stressed out over life's trivial details and took it all too seriously. And at the end of the day, month, year, etc..my usual regret was that I worried much. But not this year, and especially not this new year's eve.

Hello 2014, I'm glad you're here.
Happy New Year!!!

Be Biased for Once

Although I spend an absurd amount of time thinking, planning and considering new year's resolutions, I don't necessarily believe in them. I mean I don't think you have to wait until January 1st to start, or that you need to wait until a specific holiday season to begin reflecting about the changes and improvements you'd like to make. I believe there's no time like the present, and that the best time to start is always now. However, I also like what January 1st has become to people. A night of celebrating life and surrounding yourself with the people you love. I like the newness that surrounds midnight, the feeling that you get to start over, or try again. And I especially like the promise that it holds.

What a difference one minute can make. But really, couldn't the same be said for every day? New years are wonderful, but so are new days. I'm sure I say this enough, but each day is a celebration. A new start. Another change to get it right. Every day can be filled with the same motivation to conquer your goals and with the same high expectations you set for yourself  at 12:01 am.

Whether we set your goals for the year or focus on one day at a time, I hope we choose to use every day as an opportunity to be better. To do what we've always hoped and to work on being that person we said we'd become. Real progress takes work, that short term sacrifices will likely result in long term gains. We're worth the time, effort and commitment. I can never come up with one single resolution, I need more time and more thought. But in the meantime, I've been referring to this list that I got from somewhere in Tumblr and I'd like to share with you. :)

When you're sad:

1. Write letters to the people you love. Don't seal them, don't send them. Instead, stick them between the pages of library books.

2. Venture outside and observe natural life. Watch a honey bee suck the nectar from flowers. Watch a snail slowly make its way towards the shade of a tree. Watch a bird innocently fly around the sky. Realize how insignificant you are.

3. Smile at strangers, say hello. It'll improve their day and your own.

4. Write lists. They can be about anything.

5. Read several pages of the dictionary. Learn new words. Write down the ones you wish to remember.

6. Never feel compelled to apologize when you don't feel sorry. It's okay that you're honest. It's okay that you have a different opinion from someone else.

7.  Read books and watch movies from your childhood. A healthy dose of nostalgia is okay. Immerse yourself in your past innocence. 

8. Walk to a park and get on a swing. Go as high as you can, feel limitless. The world is yours.

9. Eat if you're hungry. Food is not the enemy. You're a human and need food to survive. You deserve to eat.

10. Don't marinate in your sadness. You're not a steak. You're a person, you're irreplaceable. Open yourself up to contentment. Bathe in the rivers of glee. Go for hikes with satisfaction. Sleep in a warm cocoon of blankets with bliss. Let endless happiness overcome your hopeless sadness. You deserve to be happy. If life's a game and you're the referee, be biased for once and let happiness win.

Jingle Bell Rock

So how did we celebrate our 5th anniversary? Dinner at a romantic restaurant, stroll on the beach, movies.....nahh, those are typical. We did what we love to, we're just hanging out in bookshop (I just got myself John Green's Paper Towns ^^), having lunch at mamak stall and talking for hours. All those happened in the place where we had our 1st date and declared to be a couple. :p

Well it's not one-day celebration, and sometimes an anniversary isn't necessarily meant to be celebrated by 2 people. Being together for 5 years have brought us to get closer with everyone else, especially our friends, because most of our sweet moments were involving them and we wanted to share this happiness. So we cooked some simple meals, baked a cake and had dinner together at Ifo's house. Then we had karaoke til midnight while eating the cake we baked. It's really a fun night. Not to brag, but as I love cooking, I was glad to cook my recipe for my loved ones and they liked it. As the saying goes "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach", well honestly I kinda put that into practice to impress my man. Heeee... :D

On 25th, we went to Tuaran to meet Ifo's Dusun relatives as they had a little feast for Ifo's grandparents to celebrate christmas. And at night, we're invited to a christmas party at Ifo's cousins' house, and one of the cousin is Nelly's (my best friend) husband-to-be. ^^ What a small world, everyone can be related. It was a great party with beautiful decoration. Ifo and friends grabbed chance to join a game called Running Man. I never watch the show so I had no idea about it, but it's just apparently an eating competition. Each group consists of 6 persons, and every member must finish boiled egg, hot curry Maggie, ice cream, chocolate bar, a bottle of mineral water and coke as fast as possible. The foods were simple and finishing them seemed easy, the real challenge was the psycho cheers from the crowds as they shouted, "muntah..muntah..muntah!" One of our friends almost puked eating the egg, me who's watching also felt like throwing up. Their psycho really worked. Anyway, Ifo's group won 2nd place and we went home with 2 hampers and lots of treats. 

Such a nice way to end the year. ^^

cooked for the loved ones

me and Ifo with 2 beautiful christmas cakes

with my friend a.k.a biras-to-be, Nelly

enjoying meals with the hosts of the party

congrats guys!

5 Years and Counting

Forever can never be long enough for me, to feel like I've had long enough with you..
- Train, Marry Me

The thing about love is that you find a way. It's funny the way things look different when you're in love, the moments are clearer and crisp, but it's the absence of love that makes you notice. I know 6 things about love: 1) it'll make you a better person, 2) it's simple, 3) the more you give, the more you have, 4) it's constant, 5) it can be everything you've hoped for, and 6) it must start with yourself.

I don't know if the world provides us with soulmates, but what I do know is that there's someone I'd pick every time. :)

This man right here, I owe him the world. He has shown me how great it can be to love someone, and how important it is to love and accept myself. He has taught me how to be comfortable in my skin and how to let go of my anger. He has proven to me that there's someone who will love the darkest, scariest parts of you. I've spent 5 years getting to know this beautiful soul as well as to know myself. Within those years we've had some barriers between us, some rough patches, but we're still into each other. I'm so lucky and so blessed to have been given such an amazing and loving man. I thank God every day for sending me such a perfect addition to my life. With him, my weird feels normal and that's all I can ever ask for. 

And today marks our 5th anniversary. Happy anniversary, dearest Ifo. I love you, always have and always will. :)

Marry your best friend. I do not say that lightly. Really, truly find the strongest, happiest friendship in the person you fall in love with. Someone who speaks highly of you. Someone you can laugh with. The kind of laughs that make your belly ache, and your nose snort. The embarrassing, earnest, healing kind of laughs. Wit is important. Life is too short not to love someone who lets you be a fool with them. Make sure they are somebody who lets you cry, too. Despair will come. Find someone that you want to be there with you through those times. Most importantly, marry the one that makes passion, love, and madness combine and course through you. A love that will never dilute - even when the waters get deep, and dark.

10 Seconds of Fame

I'm officially graduated!! Yay!!! 

*fireworks*

*confetti rain*

Well, it's just an ordinary graduation ceremony. But it's probably the onetime experience, so I wanted to feel the moment. Yes, it's fun, but it's also tiring and exhausting! Plus I only ate a couple of sandwiches that day. I skipped lunch and regretted it. We waited for 2 hours before parading into the hall. The parade was my favorite part..it's glorious, you know..when you walked on red carpet into the hall and everyone's watching and applauding, accompanied with orchestral music. Oh it's wonderful. But the excitement faded a while as we had to wait for another hour before being on stage. When it's time, I could only hear my heartbeats. I went up stage, my name's mentioned, I know I was on the screens, faced the chief minister of Sabah, smiled at cameras, took scroll, said thanks, and went down smiling. That's all. 4 years of study and 10 seconds of fame. Lol! 

Exiting the hall, I ran straight away to find my lovelies. The 1st ones I met were Ifo, Jasper and Selvin. They brought me flowers! Then we went to meet my family and they had flowers for me too. I felt blessed. Being hugged and kissed by mum and dad was the most touching moment, nothing could make me happier than seeing them happy and proud. Despite the fact that I was famished and exhausted, I was glad. Unfortunately I didn't get to meet most friends after leaving the hall, we're all separated by the crowds and couldn't find each other. Everything was so brief. I wish I could see them and say goodbye because it might be difficult to meet again.

The next day was Ifo's turn. I loved it how charming he was in suit and robe. We're finally graduated together. ^^ I got to meet his family and take pictures together. The whole Baks was also there so hey, it's a party! We took as much pictures as we want at the chancellor lawn, went crazy together. Then we took off for lunch, played bowling and decided to stay at Lan's place while waiting for concert night at UMS. So we had karocks and watched Pee Mak that made me almost cry. After that we headed to Tamu Gadang and had dinner there. It's not really a cool place because it's too crowded and smokes were everywhere. And the concert was just okay..there's Azlan & The Typewriter, and a band that tried so hard to be like Paramore..whatever the band was, they performed Still Into You at slow tempo and Conspiracy. I was disappointed as they ruined the songs. 

We kinda made a history that night when a woman approached us and asked to help her finding her 2 little sons that were missing at Tamu Gadang. So we split up and looked for the kids, but we didn't find them..others did. Someone sent them to the stage and made announcement. Phew. Glad the kids were safe. Then we escaped from the place and went to the peaceful sports complex. Looking at the huge field, I recalled the orientation moment dancing on the field during our 1st week in campus 4 years ago. It felt like yesterday. Now we're leaving hogwarts and going forward to the new chapters.

Well, it's an amazing night. It made me realize how blessed I am to be surrounded by wonderful people; my family, friends, Ifo, the Baks, bloggers, etc. Hmm, cliche huh? And being a part of the guys is great, I'm always happy whenever they're around. I may be the wallflower in any other place, but I'm the flower in the group. :)

On My 23rd Birthday

3 October 1997. You have so much to learn, lil' kid.

It's my 23rd birthday! Lol. It's so impossible to be down on my birthday. I love looking at the past year and seeing how a year isn't that long of a time, but how much I've grown and improved. Sometimes you look back and realize that you had shitty times, but you made it through with a smile and made some fabulous memories along the way. That's what life is all about, staying happy! I don't know how this past year managed to fly by so quickly. It seems like just yesterday I turned 20. *gigglin* But this past year, it was amazing and life changing. Little did I know the adventures that were in store for me. And to think, that the adventures have merely just begun, well that's an incredibly wonderful thing. But, as an ode to the last year, I'd love to share 23 things I've come to know during this last year:

23. If you want to do something good, do it. Don't hesitate. People will be skeptical, people will tell you a million reasons it won't work. But if you feel you can do it, you probably can. And more than that, you'll regret it if you don't. 

22. I've done a thesis, which was one of the best things I've ever made, though definitely also one of the hardest.

21. Getting a passport and I've finally traveled! 

20. There'll be fears and there'll be dreams. Don't let the fears stop you from accomplishing your dreams by taking steps one by one to make your dreams come true. 

19. Rewarded myself with an original album of Paramore. 

18. Though far away in terms of distance, you really do keep those you love close in your heart, no matter where you are.

17. Honesty is the best policy. Just be who you are and people will like you for it, or not. But no point pleasing people who don't like you, and if you do, you will have to constantly do it which is not worth it at all.

16. People that are meant to come into your life, do. I can't control that, I can only have faith.

15. It really is about perspective & where you put your joy.

14. Blogging is still one of the greatest things I have decided to do.

13. I can actually cook. And bake. Real food. And some wickedly scrumptious home-made break. Yup.

12. Graduating from university is extremely exciting, but equally terrifying. But it's normal to feel that way. I'm going to be okay.

11. We're all going to run into a lot of naysayers in life. Let's ignore them. Better yet, let's prove them wrong. 

10. People come into our lives when they're meant to, just as much as they leave our lives when they're meant to. 

9.  It's okay to make mistakes. Really. It's not the end of the world when you do. Just know how to learn from your mistakes and try not to repeat them and be better next time. Life is a life long learning process!

8. There are a lot of things I need to quit being afraid of and just try.

7. People you don't see very often, or know particularly well, have the ability to tell you things that stay with you forever. (And things you most need to hear.)

6. Life in your twenties is pretty tricky and exciting, and really, really scary. It's okay to feel that.

5. Keep this in mind everyday: Today I am better than you, but maybe tomorrow, you'll be better than me.

4. Need to embrace uncertainty. 

3. Need to be more patient.

2. Being vulnerable is brave.

1. I am the luckiest girl in the world to have such wonderful family, friends and a boyfriend. I'm surrounded by blessings.

Thank you so much for letting me share these special life moments and lessons with you. I am forever thankful for your support! Love, love, love!

2 in 1: Happy 50th and New Piece by Ifo

That's for my country. Happy 50th Malaysia Day! Well, despite that I'm not entirely independent (part of me still colonized, frankly speaking), I'm really proud of being Malaysian. 

Growing up, I feel so proud living in Malaysia. "Malaysia Truly Asiaaaaa....." the radio played. Gorgeous views, beautiful people, SALE, harmonious land where its people of different races, cultures and religion live side by side with each other; the TV showed me. It made me realize how amazing Malaysia is. The text books said so too and well, I see that in school too where kids regardless of race or their skin color, played with each other.

And then I grew up. I saw many awful things. So many racism happening, so many conflicts with the politics, how the government brainwashed us to think that we're perfect, we are ONE, and so on. We have one of the worst human rights issue, we don't recognize refugees and treated them badly, MORE RACISM, we have 1st class infrastructure but 3rd class mentality..the list goes on. 

But don't let me kill whatever love or hope you have towards Malaysia just yet, because despite all these flaws that we face, no countries, even its people, are perfect. Malaysia is not that bad after all. We can praise other countries for their development and crazy technology and kick ass government service, but at the end of the day, home's where the heart is. You can't reject something that you're born into just because it's not 100% perfect. I hate Malaysians who go around talking about Malaysia and praising other countries. Seriously. If you're not happy with Malaysia, migrate, change your nationality, live there, rot there and die there, and then you realize how it's not all perfect there too. It's the whole "grass is greener on the other side" mentality. What you see's not always true.

I love Malaysia. It's not perfect, yes, I have to agree, but it's home and that's the only place where you're treated warmly and with open hands. If you're in other country, who knows what kind of treatment you'd get because well, you're not one of their own. Having said that, it doesn't mean that we can just shut up and go about life as if nothing is wrong with our home. There's a lot of wrongs here and we need to fix it. We must do something to change the future of our nation. So come on, lighten up! Live life to the fullest and stop being such a killjoy! 

And by the way, I'd like to share some pieces by our local talents with you, lovelies. My man, Ifo, has composed 2 new songs entitled Luka and Aramaiti. The songs were sang by our dear friend Rizal and the music's amazingly arranged by Icco, and the whole thing is immensely supported by The Baks. They totally made it! You'll love it, I promise. Enjoy the songs!

LUKA

[Verse 1]

Semalaman ku berfikirkan tentang kita berdua

Ku anggap kau dan aku selalu saling merindu

Purnama takkan berkekalan selamanya

Kita juga begitu

Ku ingin kau tahu

Kau cuba melupa, ku cuba fahami semuanya

Adakah kita kan bahagia seperti dulu?

Segala memori indah kita bersama

Semua menjadi palsu

Ku ingin kau tahu

[Chorus]

Oh

Ku terluka, ku terluka

Melihat kau disana bersama dia

Ku taruhkan, ku taruhkan

Segala harapan kita yang telah kau hapuskan

[Verse 2]  

Ku menangis seorangan, kau gembira bersamanya

Tidak terlintas walau sesaat kau ingatkan ku

Dipukul ombak pilu ku kenang senyummu

Tapi bukan untukku

Apakah kau tahu

[Chorus]  

Ohh 

Apa yang ku lakukan

hanya untukmu sayang

Inikah yang ku trima?

Kau pergi tanpa kata

 Mungkin ini suratan

Ku redha ketentuan

Ku hanya ingin kau tahu sayang

[Chorus]

Ooooooh (3X)

Kau hapuskan

  

ARAMAITI

[VERSE 1]

Ku bangun ku terima mesej

Dari mu kata kau minta putus

Ku terus mandi buat tak peduli

Padahal hati sunggulah sedih

Kawanku datang kerumahku

Singgah pinjam baju

Bilangnya padaku

[CHORUS]

Jangan kau resah

Semua pasti okay

Lupakan semua duka

Kita bersama bergembira, Aramaiti!

Mari kita merasa

Muda selamanya

Selamanya!

[Verse 2] 

Ku ke tempat kerja

Bos terus marah marah

Semua pun tak kena

aku pun boleh gila

Kawanku datang kepejabatku

Singgah hantar baju

bilangnya padaku

[CHORUS]