Life Goals

Travel the world. Travel some more. Write a story. Fall in love. Stay in love. Get married. Travel with my love. Write a story of us. Sing. Learn a new language. Gain a few pounds from eating through traveling. Spend a week in Italy. Have a baby. Have another baby. Have lots of babies. Maybe just a few. Travel with my babies. Kiss my husband. Write another story. Have a library. Buy a Mini Cooper. Go to Mecca. Be honest. Live in another country. Make pancakes on Saturdays. Make pie on Sundays. Buy a house by the water. Sell extra things. Open up our home. Plant a garden. Learn to play piano well. Travel. Go wedding dress shopping with my daughters. Go to little league games. Live out of my gut. Write my grandparent's stories. Get good at yoga. Move cross country. Start over. Stay. Meet the girls my sons love. Photograph what I see. Watch my husband become a grandfather. Spend my anniversary in Paris. Drink tea with people I love. Explore. Live with less. Get a rabbit. Make lots of pastry. Stop being afraid. Cook through Mastering the Art of French Cooking. Wear skirts more. Start a traveling library. Ditch the TV. Start traditions. Keep traditions. Make cinnamon rolls and egg bake for family brunch. Say I'm sorry, I love you, I need you, I like you, I miss you. Understand they're sometimes the same.

You Listen and Let Go

Sometimes you know and bury that knowing underneath petitions like, I should do this, or this is expected of me, or people will be disappointed...and that process is called forgetting. Trying on faces and wanting them to fit..but they don't and this is called confusion. 

By this time, you've forgotten what it is and wonder what's going on and why's this not what you thought. Small things trigger small thoughts that remind you of that thing, the knowing. Seeing an image in a perfect swell of music. The stars. Driving past yellow lights in the black of night. A moment that triggers a dream you had, but before you can stuff it away, you grab the ends of it by the hands and say, wait. And, what's that?

This part of yours that knows is like an old friend that you lost touch with. Only now, you're remembering how things used to be and how you wanted them to be and how they aren't that way now, so you suck it up. You call her up. You apologize. You say, "tea?" with a sad laugh. And when you get together, it's awkward, hesitant, neither of you look like you remember. 

You're meeting a piece of yourself that you pushed away for years and coming to terms with who you are. You're looking yourself in the face and saying, I don't know you. But you sit there. You drink your tea. You have another cup, force yourself to be still. But most importantly, you listen. You don't interject what you thought, what you think. You listen and not say a word, and when she's done talking, you're weeping. Shaking from apologizing. 

Calm down. Now what? And she's saying, well, you know now, you remember. So, go do, kiddo. And you're laughing, what, it can't be that easy? But she's got a smile borne out of waiting and shakes her head slow, sipping the rest of her tea. It's not that easy, but it's that simple. You know. Her smiles slips and she's serious now. To not go after it now is to say your desires don't matter. That your authentic center isn't worth it. That your deepest beliefs and truest hopes and realest loves can't measure up. That your story, message, song isn't enough. Don't do that.

Now you're at the door and you can choose to part ways, say let's talk again soon. Or, you can listen. And you can let go of what you thought, of all the shoulds and coulds and woulds. And you can be brave enough to start over and live out what makes you come alive. You know, a part of you knows, that the same part in your heart that stings listening to this music or cries from that film or feels lopsided and soft in your hands is the same part that knows what you're supposed to be doing, what you want to be doing, what's your thing. Maybe it's like finding out that you knew where home was the entire time, that it wasn't where you thought or what you dreamed, but upon discovering it, walking into it, you realize it's better than what you thought you wanted.

We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.- Joseph Campbell

You May Say I'm a Dreamer

Best Days of Our Lives Haven’t Happened Yet

Someday I will host dinner parties and you will always be invited. We'll eat lovely food and perhaps the first time I'll try and have a hand at cooking a real big meal. If it doesn't work so well, the next time I'll just have something ordered-in. But nevertheless, food will be plenty and drinks will be flowing. 

We'll come together and every single time the conversation will start with something along the lines of, "where does the time go? It seems just like yesterday..." and for a moment we'll all sigh and smile at that truth, and the fact it'll be mentioned, just the same, at our next dinner party. We'll then talk of our lives. We'll share in roars of laughter and bicker about politics and how some of us still listen to Taylor Swift..but only because our quirks and differences are what we truly love about one another. We'll reminisce about all the memories we share and chuckle at our past selves.

"How could we have been so silly?" we'll say.

"We worried about so many unnecessary things!" we'll all agree.

We'll laugh until we cry and cry until we laugh. We'll find ourselves chatting on and on about how our loves drive us bonkers but we all will smile at one another, knowing that none of us would trade them for anything. We will then joke and point out our most embarrassing moments and then we'll sigh and say in unison, "how did we get through all of that?" And we'll not say it aloud, but in our hearts we will think, "it was crazy, exhausting and one of the most confusing times of our lives but we wouldn't change it for the world."

"Not one bit," we will silently repeat.

Someday.

In Your Heart or On Its Way

Nizam & Nana :)

Last Friday my best friend, Nizam, got married to the woman he loves after 5 years of relationship. I couldn't attend the ceremony because something came up at that time, but I met Nizam to have some words, say congrats and all the best wishes. It's the least I can do. Besides, it's been a really long time we didn't meet. 

We used to be neighbors and went to same school, have been like brother and sister ever since. Actually there were 3 of us; goofed around, fought, shared problems, helped each other in studies, sang our favorite songs, spent holidays together..just like siblings. But then one of us died in 2006. Nizam drifted away and I stayed with my other friends. We lost a brother and thought we've lost everything. But friendships remain forever and we're just trying to grasp reality because the grief was too consuming. We got each other, we've moved on. The memories and friendship we have are the only reasons we keep in touch now. 

And I couldn't be happier when Nizam finally got married. I'm sure it was a beautiful, blessed wedding. :)

He waited 5 years to marry his girl, juggled with studies and different jobs, and his hard work has paid off. He got a fix job now and he grabs the chance to propose. I'm really proud of him. 

I love weddings. Absolutely love them. Whether it's a dear friend's wedding or someone I've never even met, my heart swells watching two people celebrate their never-ending love for one another. And when my best friends marry the love of their lives, holy moly..my heart would nearly jump right out of my chest with happiness.

How on earth will I keep my heart from exploding with love the day I marry the love of my life? Do they have vitamins to prevent that? Lol.

Well, congratulations again to Nizam and Nana. May they live happily ever after. :)

..and life gets more exciting with each passing day, and love is either in your heart or on its way.

We are Stories still Going

There are parts of stories that we wish were different, things we wish we could change, erase, forget. We get stuck in moments. Memories turn to ghosts. We try to live in the past, but it never works. And then somehow, inside the same story, there's good. There are memories that make us laugh and make us smile, relationships and conversations, dreams of jobs and families, and places that we hope to go. Even things as simple as favorite books and songs and films, the way they remind us we're alive, these things are part of our story as well. And we've come to believe that all of it matters, that all of it is significant and the opposite of small. We've come to believe that you deserve to be around people who know these parts of you, people who laugh and mourn and celebrate with you, people who remind you that you're not alone.

If you should ever get to a place where your life feels like it's not worth living, where the pain's just too great, know that it's okay to be honest and ask for help. It's nothing to be ashamed of, and it doesn't mean you're something strange or some kind of burden. It simply means you're human. May you wake to the day when life feels worth living, when joy comes back, hope shows up, love returns. 

If you're reading this, if there's air in your lungs on this day, then there's still hope for you. Your story's still going. And maybe some things are true for all of us. Perhaps we all relate to pain. Perhaps we all relate to fear and loss and questions. And perhaps we all deserve to be honest, we all deserve whatever help we need. Our stories are all so many things. Heavy and light. Beautiful and difficult. Hopeful and uncertain. But our stories aren't finished yet. There's still time, for things to heal, change and grow. There's still time to be surprised. We're stories still going, you and I.

Peace to you today, tomorrow and days ahead. 

New Year without Resolution

Nope, no new year's resolution for me. Because my new year's resolutions never make it to the next year. Somehow excuses, stress or sidetracks always get in the way. Don't get me wrong, I'm the biggest advocate for personal growth and accomplishing goals. But for me, new year's resolutions don't always work that way.

My resolution is days. Days full of meaning. Especially because I love nothing more than writing up a to-do list for the things I need to accomplish that day (and I'm usually successful at completing my lists).  I started this because it's important for me to start right when I was extremely motivated. While loving the idea of bringing on the new year with a personal goal in mind, I also love the idea of bettering yourself at any given moment of every single day.

Last year I was told that the way you spend your new year is the way you'll spend your year. True or not, I liked how it sounded. So this year, I make sure my new year's perfect. I'm gonna spend it with the people I love. Laughing, away from my phone, cooking and eating together, being grateful, and having fun.

One of my worst personal qualities was my problem with focusing on the final destination rather than the journey. I typically got stressed out over life's trivial details and took it all too seriously. And at the end of the day, month, year, etc..my usual regret was that I worried much. But not this year, and especially not this new year's eve.

Hello 2014, I'm glad you're here.
Happy New Year!!!

Graduation Speech

So. No Fiction Friday today, just like last Friday. Those who have been waiting for the next chapter of Letting Go, I'm sorry..I'll try to continue next week. I hardly have time to write for the time being with convocation and stuff coming. Well, it's tomorrow, actually. Yay I'm graduating! So I don't have much to write at the moment, though I've got a lot in mind. I just wanna share this one..which will pretty much tell you how I really feel (though I'm neither the best student nor giving speech on graduation).

Daydreaming All the Time

Well, most of you know how much I love Paramore, right? So imagine how crazy I become when a new music video by Paramore has released. Yesss!! They have released their new music video for my favorite song, DAYDREAMING. Let's watch:

Ain't it wonderful? The video is as beautiful as the song. That's why I love Paramore! They know exactly what their fans needed to listen and watch. At least for me. The video turns out better than what I expected. In case you're wondering what I've been dreaming of all day, all night, the video would tell you. 

I love all the shots; countryside scenery, a small town as trains pass through, and the band triumphantly rocking out onstage. It's about real life of someone who's counting down the days until they can get out on the road and see a different part of the world that they've been dreaming of themselves. I love it not only for the great work they've made, but also for the message they left. I may haven't experienced it yet, but I know that going to a concert is really expensive. You have to pay the ticket, flight, hotel room, train, cabs, etc. But in the end, it's all worth it. Not just seeing your favorite band, but it's sacrificing every single day by saving money and it's also a great experience with your friend by making a long trip and staying together. I think this video is a tribute to the fans. Thank you, Paramore. 

And for the record, I love how they got into an accidental detour to the band's dressing room, peeking through the door, Hayley saw them, smiled and waved. It's this part that I really really adore:

Ain't she pretty?! Oh I wish I was one of those girls. Someday. Someday I will be that girl who's marking the calendar, counting days, getting on flight, joining the crowd and screaming "Paramore!!".

It's my dream.

DAYDREAMING lyrics

Living in a city of sleepless people

Who all know the limits and won't go too far outside the lines

Cause they're' out of their minds.

I wanna get out and build my own home

On a street where reality is not much different from dreams I've had

A dream is all I have... 

Daydreaming, daydreaming all the time

Daydreaming, daydreaming into the night

And I'm alright

Creep past the hours like the shorter hand on the clock

Hanging on a wall of a schoolhouse somewhere

We wait for the bell

And we dream of somewhere else

Daydreaming, daydreaming all the time

Daydreaming, daydreaming into the night

And I'm alright

Not that I won't remember where I'm from

Just don't wanna be here no more

It's not enough

(We're only half alive)

I'm gonna go

(We're only half alive)

Where the rest of the dreamers go

Where the dreamers go

Daydreaming, daydreaming all the time

Daydreaming, daydreaming into the night

And I'm alright

Daydreaming, daydreaming all the time

Daydreamer, we used to be half alive

Now I'm alright

Agonizing Decision

Do you ever wonder how different your life could have been if you made a different decision? Or if you had the guts to walk away from something or someone that's causing you pain? Every day we're faced with decisions, choices and opportunities. Some we don't want to take, some we do. Some we have no choice in and some we couldn't make fast enough. 

Today I thought about all the wrong decisions I've ever made in my life and wondered if my life had been different if I didn't made them. The obvious answer would be yes of course. One of the decisions that I made and regretted was my degree course. Yep, I didn't like it. I even disliked it more when it led to another stupid decision that I made last June..which I never told anyone. No one knows about this, even my mom, my boyfriend, my best friend..so I'm gonna say it now.

I declined a job offer as one of editors at Zalora.

I came across your blog and I loved your honest and down-to-earth writing style. You also have great thought-provoking entries. Zalora is looking to collaborate eloquent and talented bloggers like yourself, and I was wondering if you would be keen on working with us. Do let me know if you are interested?

That's the 1st email I received in June 2013. I sent my resume enclosed with a sample of article. Few weeks later I was accepted and they required me to work at their HQ in KL. The excitement turned to sorrow. I had to decline it because I was in the middle of thesis and finishing degree which I couldn't turn down just like that. I made my own choice without discussing with anyone. I don't know why I did that, and so it's stupid. It is stupid now. That's the most agonizing decision I've ever made in my life. 

Every decision I've made or didn't make for that matter has all led me to where I am today. Where am I? Home. Unemployed. So the question that should be asked is "what have I learned?"

Well, the Zalora job might not be my rezeki after all. Someone else who's way braver and wiser deserves it. My life's a series of unfortunate events that have only made me stronger. Of course we never see it that way at the beginning but how does anyone know how something is going to end at the start, right?

I try to be grateful. That’s how strange life is, you have to take each day as it comes and try and always be grateful for the great things in your life. You should write a list of 10 things every morning of the things you're grateful for and see the rewards you're blessed with. Nobody can change the past and so we should take pride in learning from our mistakes and choosing to always live In the present. 

Spill My Guts

The time it takes to spill your guts, or perhaps the time it takes to summon the guts to tell your story, always differs from situation to situation. Either way, guts are involved and it's messy and makes you feel like your showing everyone your "insides" while everyone else shows their best "outsides." It's taken me a while to spill these particular guts of mine because in a way, I've been hoping for a different ending to this particular situation. And of course, I think it's okay to show the vulnerable parts of ourselves sometimes.

Well I don't remember when's the last time I wrote about my day-to-day life updates. What you guys see on my twitter or instagram..they're just on the surface. There's a lot going on beneath every tweet, every picture and every video. There's a month left until graduation day, where I'll meet my course mates again and telling updates about each other. Well, so far I don't have anything to prepare for the storytelling. 

I quit the job that I don't love and now I'm jobless. I've been sending resumes and browsing jobs everyday..and I'm still waiting. Actually I wouldn't really mind being unemployed until graduation if my parents didn't nag me about getting a job. Of course I wanna sit back, relax, be a couch potato and play with kitties everyday after 4 years of degree. But I can't just stay at home and convince my parents that my future will be alright. Plus they started to agitate me when the engagement and marriage stuffs came up. As much as I love the idea of that, I still need a job. I never thought that life after college could be this hard. I know I just gotta be strong, stay hopeful, keep believing and never stop praying. 

Things didn't work out because, well, greater things were in the works. It's so difficult while we're blind and hurting and don't know which way is up. But, if you have faith in anything, have faith in the fact that the universe has a beautiful way of straightening things out far better than we ever could. You may not see it today or tomorrow, but you will look back in a few years and be absolutely perplexed and awed by how every little thing added up and brought you somewhere wonderful, or where you always wanted to be. You will be grateful that things didn't work out the way you once wanted them to. - via

Who You Are

Someone once said to me, "don't ever stop writing. You would be numbing your soul. It's who you are."

Sometimes as we go through life trying to figure out which path to take next, we forget the things that make us happy and make us who we are. Some fall back in to a rut, some give up when things don't come easy to them, some lose hope when things don't happen over night and some take pain as a set back instead of over coming obstacles and pushing forward. 

When I think about what was said to me, I realized writing and expressing my thoughts and feelings is who I am and for a while I stopped expressing how I really felt. I got back in to that routine of just nodding along with life, I weren't really feeling, like my mind was split in two again.

Sometimes even at our happiest we're still affected by things that hurt us, like..you know, anything. It's over the past year that I've come to realize being strong isn't being fearless or switching off your emotions, it's expressing them and overcoming our boundaries and turning a negative situation in to something positive. We're so set on impressing other people that we forget who we really are. We adapt to what other people believe or likes or dislikes.

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment"

Be true to who you are, and if you still haven't figured out who that is yet, look inside your heart, look to those around you that inspire you. Be someone who will aspire to be more like you one day. Be kind, be gracious. Look for signs from the universe and enjoy life. Be weird, be wonderful. Be yourself.  Life's too short to be somebody else, ya'll.

Fiction Friday: You're Not Mine

Black long wavy hair right down to her hips with slight curls at the tips. The white light bounce off her hair resulting in her black locks instantly shining and attracting. Her hazel eyes with a slight glint stare right into me. She's wearing her favorite red dress. That's what I see before me. My reflection. Every aspect of my appearance is carefully prepared to match Jay's liking.

My heart pounds not knowing how the night would end but I know it has to be today, otherwise I know I would never get a chance again. I readjust my dress and check every part of my body, checking them off in my mind. I sigh and look over to my watch. It is almost time; I have an hour left to panic before seeing him. Come on pull yourself together, I say to myself. Calmly I sit on my bed and look at the pairs of shoes I have in front of me not knowing which one to choose. I carefully analyse each pair of suitable shoes I own. Still I couldn't figure out which ones to wear with this red dress. I look at my black heels and then dart my vision to the red pumps. Why's life so difficult? I stare at the black heels and suddenly remember Jay had commented on them before. In fact he didn't just comment on them, he bought them for me for my birthday. 

"I don't know why but for some reason I just had to buy them for you. I know you'd make them look amazing!" He smiled at me whilst handing me the box.

"What do you mean I'd make THEM look amazing?" I questioned him not being able to stop myself from giggling. I took the black box and opened it up to see a pair of black heels. They shimmered in the glow of the light. There was a big smile on my face. He didn't know that I had looked at these shoes just the night before wishing I owned them, it was as though he had read my mind!

BZZZZZZZZZZZ. That sound snaps me away from the memories. Crap, it's my phone! I jumped off my bed and picked it up. "Hello. Okay, I’ll be there!" I hang up and run out of my apartment. I couldn't lie how happy I am. I hurriedly walk down towards the end of road just until I could the coffee lounge. It has been our secret place that no one else know about. I guess it has become special because it's where we first met, where we could be alone, away from the rest of the world. I slow down now as I could see the shop sign. I feel a sudden rush flow up my body at the thought of him finally hearing what I was about to say, the thought of him booming with happiness. This is the perfect time to tell him. 

I stand outside the store and look in to see if he's there. I press myself against the door to get a better view but no sign of him. Only the heat of my breath seems to mist up the glass window. I open the door and hear the jingle of the chimes above the door. I smile as it seems to suit the happy glow oozing out of me now. Just as I close the door behind me there's a handsome man before me grinning. He winks at me as I walk past. It makes me blush but I look away happily. I sat in our favorite spot peering at the view through the window knowing that any minute now he would walk in. 

I got nervous as I keep exchanging glances between the clock hanging on the beige wall and checking my phone for missed calls or messages. Still no contact from him but there is still time, I am just early. I reach out to the stack of magazines in front of me and pull one out from the pile to divert my attention elsewhere. I begin reading the relationship advice section to find all sorts of dilemmas. I'm so involved in a case given by a woman where she found her husband had cheated on her with her best friend, I'm shocked that such a situation's even possible. 

"That's good huh?" A familiar voice questions me. I look up to see a smirk on Jay's face. I totally forgotten about our meeting and feel so calm until I study his face in more detail. His lips lure me towards him every minute he speak. His eyes make mine flutter every moment he blink. There's nothing I could do but remain glued to this emotion I'm feeling instead of resisting temptation. He waves his hands at my face and clicks his fingers to get me back to reality. I guess he must have realized I was studying him too close as he's in confusion. Slightly embarrassed, I look away.

I laugh, trying to change the conversation, "Err.. I see you're wearing your good luck red shirt." I said pleasingly. He looks at his shirt and looks back at me confusingly. He walks to the counter and orders my drink. I couldn't stop wondering if there's a reason that he's been wearing that shirt today of all days. I smile unconsciously not realizing how stupid I look like. He must have realized I'm daydreaming again as he places our drinks on the table because he nudges my cheek to get my attention. But he never noticed how much I long for his affection. I move my head away and look up at him smiling. 

"Why are you so far away? Did you forget to eat vitamins?" He says and giggles. He gets up and sits next to me on the couch sliding his arm across my shoulders and resting his. I watch his face glow in amusement as he finish off his coffee ice as if he's a child happily moving to the beat of a nursery rhyme, he smiles pleasingly as though he had accomplished his lifetime goal.

"Nothing, I'm just happy to see you," I say. We hold a gaze for a while. Then he puts his drink on the table and is facing me. He pulls my hair back from my face and tucks it with the other strands and held my head between his hands carefully as though it was fragile, and he stares into my eyes.

"Jane..." He pause and grin. "Today is gonna be my lucky day!" He's almost shouting. I feel the excitement from him contagious, I begin to get excited myself for an unknown reason. Deep in my heart I'm confident this is going to be the end of my wait. He leans forward and whispers into my ear, "I hope you like her."

HER?! I looked at him disgusted, not meaning to. I pull back confused.

"Hey," a female voice hovers from behind. I couldn't recognize it, but among my confusions in the event he's already turning around and locked into a conversation with a brunette curled figure. I peer over his shoulder to catch a glimpse of her. She glances at me briefly making an awkward moment between the two of us. 

"Hello." I smile at her trying to break the ice. She waves back to me and smiles.

"Oh, sorry Jane, I totally forgot you're here! This is Louisa. Louisa, this is my best friend, Jane." 

"I've heard a lot about you." She replies, addressing me. Her eyes beam in amazement. Who is she, I wonder. I watch her holding Jay's arm as he plays with her her. If I didn't know any better I would say there's definitely something going on, they couldn't have been any more obvious.

"So don't get angry with me or anything, but do you remember when I told you about my ex?" Jay asks me and I nod. "Well, we started talking again and our families got to know that we had been in contact and well, you know how it is when the parents know." He winks. I'm still confused, he must have guessed my blank expression as a reply to his statement. "THAT'S her!" He exclaims. "Louisa's my ex. I wanted you both to meet, that's why I had kept it a secret all this long and not telling you about anything."

"Nice," I reply back. Then Louisa goes to the counter while me and Jay are sitting on the couch, but Jay sits away from me. It's almost as if this is a sign to show me how destiny's going to turn out, but during the moment I haven't really pick up on it. "Hmm, I still don't get why the secrecy if you're just talking to her, you goof?" 

"Well, isn't it obvious, you dork?” he pauses for a brief while, looks back at her and leans towards me and whispers, "we're getting back together. That's why I wanted you ladies to finally meet. I mean you're my best friend and well, she's my girlfriend. I want you both to get along with each other. Just give it a go please?" He begs.

I feel like a total stranger. I bite my lip trying ever so hard to not let my tears fall. I gulp the meaningless words down my throat and engulf the shattered pieces of my heart. Slowly I begin to edge a smile out through my face and nod. He gives me a high 5 and pinches my nose. As I watch him approaching Louisa, I run to a restroom.

Tears begin to fall down into a gush of an uncontrollable waterfall sliding off my face. I watch my reflection in the mirror not understanding why this is happening. I know I've lost the battle when he mentioned that she's his ex. She's the long lost love he would always talk to me about. I always thought that there's never a chance they would get back together again. Well I thought wrong. My mind is clustered with so many thoughts but this isn't the time or place, besides he'll be looking for me. I know that I have to go back out there and behave as everything's fine.

I check my face in the mirror and wipe away the tears that have dried on my face. I catch my breath and push the door. There he is standing with a smile on his face. He swings his arm around my shoulders and walks me up to Louisa. "He's a good man, I'm happy for you guys." I never imagined I would've been able to say that. Quite frankly I thought as soon as I walk up to her I would have set off crying, but instead those words came out straight from my heart. 

I think it's time to leave. I walk over to the counter to get some takeaways so I could get rid of the gut feeling I had around my stomach. While taking my order, the staff brings me into conversation. "I hope you don't mind me saying this but..it's his loss that he chose her over you. He's had you at his side for 10 years now and has been so blind to not realize everything he needs was always right there," the staff says nonchalantly.

I look up at him once realizing what he just said. How did he know? I was baffled. "Excuse m-"

"Who knows, maybe you'll make another guy lucky." He quickly interrupts me and winks. I feel myself blush but glad upon hearing those words. For some reason it gives me some assurance. I'm sure that in the upcoming years I'm going to be entirely happy with them being together, which is hard but it has to be done. I wouldn't want anything for him but happiness. If that's with her he would always have my blessing. I still love him nonetheless, I have to find a way to let go of those feelings. 

I look at this stranger and feel at ease. I look back at my best friend and his dream girl and then at this man, who plants a seed of hope within me. "Maybe," I reply and smile.

On My 23rd Birthday

3 October 1997. You have so much to learn, lil' kid.

It's my 23rd birthday! Lol. It's so impossible to be down on my birthday. I love looking at the past year and seeing how a year isn't that long of a time, but how much I've grown and improved. Sometimes you look back and realize that you had shitty times, but you made it through with a smile and made some fabulous memories along the way. That's what life is all about, staying happy! I don't know how this past year managed to fly by so quickly. It seems like just yesterday I turned 20. *gigglin* But this past year, it was amazing and life changing. Little did I know the adventures that were in store for me. And to think, that the adventures have merely just begun, well that's an incredibly wonderful thing. But, as an ode to the last year, I'd love to share 23 things I've come to know during this last year:

23. If you want to do something good, do it. Don't hesitate. People will be skeptical, people will tell you a million reasons it won't work. But if you feel you can do it, you probably can. And more than that, you'll regret it if you don't. 

22. I've done a thesis, which was one of the best things I've ever made, though definitely also one of the hardest.

21. Getting a passport and I've finally traveled! 

20. There'll be fears and there'll be dreams. Don't let the fears stop you from accomplishing your dreams by taking steps one by one to make your dreams come true. 

19. Rewarded myself with an original album of Paramore. 

18. Though far away in terms of distance, you really do keep those you love close in your heart, no matter where you are.

17. Honesty is the best policy. Just be who you are and people will like you for it, or not. But no point pleasing people who don't like you, and if you do, you will have to constantly do it which is not worth it at all.

16. People that are meant to come into your life, do. I can't control that, I can only have faith.

15. It really is about perspective & where you put your joy.

14. Blogging is still one of the greatest things I have decided to do.

13. I can actually cook. And bake. Real food. And some wickedly scrumptious home-made break. Yup.

12. Graduating from university is extremely exciting, but equally terrifying. But it's normal to feel that way. I'm going to be okay.

11. We're all going to run into a lot of naysayers in life. Let's ignore them. Better yet, let's prove them wrong. 

10. People come into our lives when they're meant to, just as much as they leave our lives when they're meant to. 

9.  It's okay to make mistakes. Really. It's not the end of the world when you do. Just know how to learn from your mistakes and try not to repeat them and be better next time. Life is a life long learning process!

8. There are a lot of things I need to quit being afraid of and just try.

7. People you don't see very often, or know particularly well, have the ability to tell you things that stay with you forever. (And things you most need to hear.)

6. Life in your twenties is pretty tricky and exciting, and really, really scary. It's okay to feel that.

5. Keep this in mind everyday: Today I am better than you, but maybe tomorrow, you'll be better than me.

4. Need to embrace uncertainty. 

3. Need to be more patient.

2. Being vulnerable is brave.

1. I am the luckiest girl in the world to have such wonderful family, friends and a boyfriend. I'm surrounded by blessings.

Thank you so much for letting me share these special life moments and lessons with you. I am forever thankful for your support! Love, love, love!

When it Comes to Love

Life's really interesting the way it turns out. Especially in the transition from being a child to being an adult. You may escape reality for a while, but it catches you up and scares you from behind. What seems like a brilliant love story always has its pain. Nothing turns out as it looks like. Even when anything else seems to be stupid to claim. 

Life's not what you make it because you have so little power over your own life. Ironically enough, others form what you become. Others form where you are and how you feel. And sadly enough, so many young people have such an amazing view of life. Truth is, you'll have very little to say. I don't know if I'll laugh at this when I get older, but I've discovered that when you see the best in people, you got blinded. You have to be ready to see the best and worst in people. You can't ignore the bad sides, the luggage or even the slightest signals. 

Truth is, most of the time, it's too late. We're so positive as people. We always want to hope for the best, give the best, try our hardest. Especially when it comes to love. Love just seems so lovely. Even after all the awful stories you've heard from others, even after countless warnings, after countless advise. You still give yourself to someone because you think this significant other is somehow different. And so it goes. It seems like you have all you ever wanted. It seems like this is it, this is the life, this is the love, your dream has come true, everything's the way it's supposed to be. 

But little by little, reality catches up with you and before you know it, you're staring into the eyes of a wholly different person. It's almost frightening, how little you know, and what's even more frightening is that you thought you actually knew. Because after all, this was nothing close to blind love. You know each other's good and bad sides, you know the pretty and the ugly, you know the habits and you know the stories.

Yet reality, in it's purest form, still hides behind that imperfect but, yet so cherished person. 

We think that our stories are different. That finally, it'll make sense. Finally someone understands and receives in the way that you have longed for. You give everything you have, even what you don't have. But nothing about us is different. Just as real as everything else. Disappointment, tears, misunderstanding, grudge, regret, sadness.

Every person that comes into our lives shapes us, creates us. That is, we are a creation of other people. Now meeting another creation, of other people, can form a clash, which happens in every single story. What do you do with it then when there's no way back? When the tables are set and the dress is bought and life is ahead? There's no regret, but reality certainly does frighten.

Always Be Sexy

Apart from Paramore's amazing performance on Teen Choice Awards, this was the part that I thought meant anything real, as far as useful stuff for young people to take away from the show as a whole. It's awesome to see someone like Ashton Kutcher speaking to teenagers in a way that seemed genuine and loving and without coming off condescending. So this is what he said:

"I  believe that opportunity looks a lot like work. When I was 13 I had my first job with Dad carrying shingles to the roof, and then I got a job washing dishes at a restaurant, and then I got a job in a grocery store deli, and then I got a job in a factory sweeping Cheerio dust of the ground. And I never had a job in my life that I was better than. I was always just lucky to have a job. And every job I had was a stepping stone to my next job, and I never quit my job until I had my next job. And so opportunities look a lot like work.

The sexiest thing in the entire world is being really smart. And being thoughtful and being generous. Everything else is crap. I promise you. It's just crap that people try to sell to you to make you feel like less. So don't buy it. Be smart. Be thoughtful and be generous.

Steve Jobs said when you grow up you tend to get told that world is the way that it is. Everything around us that we call life was made up of people that are no smarter than you. And you can build your own things and you can build your own life that other people can live in. So build a life, don't live one, find your opportunities and always be sexy."

The Fangirl Moments

Today I didn't do much things and didn't go anywhere, was just staying at home, reading tweets and watching TV instead. But, it was a wonderful day and I'm very excited of these 2 things that came up today.

First off, I got to see 'NSYNC reuniting and performing live on stage on MTV VMA 2013 this morning. It was sooooo good to see them back together again. Really, it felt like the old times. I've always wanted my 90s back, that's the best era, you know. And it's absolutely the night for the President of Pop, Justin Timberlake. I loved it how he dove into a medley of his hits including SexyBack, Like I Love You, My Love and Cry Me A River, followed by a not-so-surprising performance of Girlfriend and Bye Bye Bye by ‘NSYNC. And that's where I screamed.

Congrats to Justin for winning The Video Vanguard Award, also known as the Lifetime Achievement Award, which is given to musicians who have made a profound effect on the MTV culture, something Justin has done so many times. It's touching when Justin dedicated his award to ‘NSYNC. Ironically, Britney Spears, his most famous ex, was the last artist to receive the award in 2011. Other winners include the Beastie Boys, Madonna and Janet Jackson. I'm so proud of my teenage crush. I love you, Justin. You'll always be my crush. :p

Annnnnndd second off, oh gosh, I don't know how to put this into words. Well, I actually know. Okay here we go: THE FAULT IN OUR STARS IS NOW A MOVIE! Have you read the book? No? How could you not read the awesome book? Dude, you gotta get the book now and read it. Don't wait till the movie comes out to know the story, it'll be less fun. 

It's written by deary John Green, who was just posting a picture of the set of the film via Instagram. And I am so psyched! So the film will be casting by Ansel Elgort (newcomer, I guess) and Shailene Woodley (played Alex in The Descendants). Oh gosh! It's like a dream come true. I did wish that the book will be filmed someday. I can't believe it's happening. Finally..Hazel Grace, Gus, phalanxifor, An Imperial Affliction, etc..are now real. You'd know what I'm talking about if you read the book. :p

By the way, click here to read my review of the book: Aemy's Review on The Fault In Our Stars.

The Fringe Benefits of Failure

True Tale of Heaven's Trail

I've fallen in love with the above picture since I first saw it on Pinterest. It has a caption saying "Heaven's Trail: A place in Ireland where every two years on June 10-18 the stars line up with this place."

Then I dug a little deeper as I was a curious cat, like always. Why would the stars only line up with this trail every 2 years? Finally I figured out that this photo's originally taken by Thomas Zimmer. He explained how it had been downloaded without his permission and shared without attribution across the internet. 

Read his blog post: My God, It's Full of Stars. See how he told the true tale of a chance every photographer dreams of; a moment when stars and opportunity align for a shot too beautiful to be believed, too captivating to be forgotten. There it was, the Milky Way, visible on the moonless night, perfectly aligned with the stairs. He didn't mention anything about the every-2-years line up. So the man figure in the picture is Thomas Zimmer himself and he set the self timer because he's all alone that night. And the real place is in Germany, not Ireland. Heaven's Trail doesn't exist, but the stairway does. 

You can find it anywhere else in the world actually, on any trail through the darkness. I might even find it someday. :)

Tread softly because you tread on my dreams. - W.B. Yeats

Is It a Contentment or Happiness

A few months ago, I talked to my old friend and I asked how's she doing, she said that she “wasn't great but content.” It's a throwaway comment, but it stuck with me. There's this sad permanence in her tone of voice. It's like she reconciled herself to the fact that she’s never going to be great and that it's what it is. I think that sucks. I never want to be content. I want to be happy. Unfortunately, that's what I exactly feel right now after what had happened today. 

I’m not good at much. It’s true. I’m genuinely not saying that to garner sympathy, I’m just a realist. If you were to stack up what I’m good at in one column and what I’m bad at in another, the difference would be staggering. In fact, off the top of my head, my only discernible skills are being nearly unbeatable in Scramble and Candy Crush on the phone. Aside from that, I can write. And even if you aren't entertained by my crap, I am. It makes me happy, not content. That fact is why I’m trying to make a living out of it. That fact also brings me to my point: being content is not being happy. And after today, after 4 years, I don't feel happy at all, but content, because it's not what I'm good at, it's not what I dream for.

Being content is settling. It means that you’re almost happy. It’s like saying you're going to win the gold but settling for silver. Yes. I've found something I love. That’s what I should have done since 4 years ago, I should've gone to the other road, the road not taken. Now I regret and I won't take the wrong turn anymore. I've seen some friends and family doing the things they love. It’s inspiring. It’s also what fuels my attempts to go for my dreams. I still have time. And happiness is the most subjective of things. It’s the most personal journey there is. 

What makes you happy, friends? I imagine for the person who always wanted to be a teacher, it’s when you’re standing in front of your first classroom. I imagine for the person who always wanted to practice medicine, it’s the first time you save someone’s life. And I imagine for someone who always wanted to be a writer, it's the moment you're holding your self-written published book. 

Let's be happy. Don't be afraid to fail but don't choose something you're forced to do. Be afraid to look back when you're old and gray and realize you never tried. That's scary, failing isn't. When someone asks how I’m doing someday, I never want to answer by saying that I’m content. I want to say that I’m great. I realize not everyone can be great. But no one should give up on their own personal pursuit of happiness before trying their absolute effort to get there.