Looks May Fade, But Selfies are Forever

I've never been very big on compliments. I never quite learned how to take them, in part because I always thought that if you accepted a compliment, people would think you're conceited (and surprise, surprise: they do) and in part because it took a long time for me to believe these things. When people complimented how good I was at school, I shrugged it off because it was never like I tried. That's not a humblebrag, I promise. When they told me I was funny, I balked. And when they said I was pretty, I...well, I'm still working on that one.

It's not lost on me, then, that I work in a world that's very surface, What you wear, how you do your makeup, what your scarf looks like on any given day, how you can arrange your life to look just so on Instagram. And I've learned that sometimes, the bits of your life that you want to capture and share with the world are the moments where you feel your best. And a lot of the time, you can feel your best when you feel like you look your best. Also, why are we still so pegged on this idea that caring about how you look is inherently bad?

Sure, there are deeper things in this world to think about. There's atrocious poverty and war and people are constantly fighting for equal rights. But to capitalize on these things for what? The likes? For people to think that we're aware of what's going on in the world and that somehow makes us better than the people who aren't posting about it? If all you're doing is joining in on the social trend du jour, and you're not actually doing anything to change the world for the better, is that really less surface than an iPhone photo of somebody's eyebrows?

Because if there's one thing I've learned, it's that learning to love yourself is a lifelong process. There are days when I wake up and I think I'm pretty (so you agree, you think you're pretty? Lol.) and then I'll wake up the next day and think I'm nothing special. And those are the days I'll put a little extra effort into my makeup, or choose my outfit a little more carefully, because I know I'm going to need the confidence boost to power through. But I'm not chronicling that for the compliments. I never want to be someone who exists online to be pretty. I want to empower. I want to show people that yeah, you can own how you look and what you do and that you shouldn't apologize for either. I want people to not only know that it's not a bad thing to have high self-esteem, but to believe it, and to have it themselves.

You deserve that. Really. And so I don't think I'll ever get "good" at accepting compliments online. I hate it when men try to slide into DMs or try to hit on me, because that's not what I'm here for. That's not the space I'm trying to occupy, and to be frank, that detracts from the message that you can be here for yourself. Not for anyone else to think you're pretty, but for you to think that you are pretty, and not to need validation from anyone else. 

Learning to say "thank you" wouldn't hurt, of course. But the next time you catch yourself judging someone's 5th selfie in a week, ask yourself when was the last time you complimented yourself. And then do it. Revel in yourself. Because you should. Because there's nothing wrong in that. And if someone has an issue with it, it's just too bad that they're too blind-sighted to revel in how awesome you are with you, too

Road Maps and Treasure Chests

I'm the kind of person that's easily overwhelmed. By the kindness of a waitress on an ordinary day or the breeze that blows in sunny afternoon. And on a daily basis, I'm overwhelmed by the indifference of the world in light of all the suffering that takes place. I get anxious about small things like passing a test or an interaction that didn't go as I had hoped. And I've always been the kind of person that can be overwhelmed by how much I have left to do and how little I've done.

So it's no surprise that I was standing in the make-up aisle when I was suddenly overcome by the number of products I was surrounded by. Highlights, blush, foundation, and mascara. Eye shadow, lip liner, and eyelash extensions. Age-defying cream and wrinkle prevention lotions. There are lotions and sprays and tanning beds. The magazines that tell us what we're supposed to look like, the headlines that call on us to be thin, tan, and flawless. The implications that our outward appearance is a determinant of our individual worth. And all I could think about was how many products tell us that the way we look, the way we are, is not enough.

I generally don't skim through magazines, but I hear the messages all the same. We tell them to ourselves. We've been trained to become insecure about a blemish on our face, a haircut that's a little too short, stretch marks on our stomachs, or weight gain in all of the wrong places. To be clear, I wear make-up on a daily basis and I workout as often as I can, I reward myself with new clothes and even bought Korean facial products. In no way am I suggesting that there's anything wrong with wanting to feel beautiful and confident, I just don't believe that a flawless outward appearance is the only way to get there.

In high school, my friend said that it didn't matter whether or not we understood calculus or algebra because at least we're pretty. While I understand that they're trying to be comforting, encouraging, and nice, I can remember my exact feeling of outrage. The anger that arose because I was supposed to feel relieved by someone's perception of our outward appearance; of the implication that the way we looked would somehow be enough to help us get a scholarship so that we could go to college. That somehow the way we looked would help to determine whether we would develop enough self-discipline to finish what we started, that somehow our appearance would help us to further our career. And I remember wondering when 'being pretty' began to outweigh our intelligence, capabilities, attitude, and our individual contributions to the world.

I find that sometimes we place so much emphasis on what our body looks like that we forget about the amazing things it does for us. Your legs, regardless of their length and width, have carried your body for all of these years. They have held you up on your weakest days and were there with you to jump for joy in moments of celebration. They've ran through the grass during hide and seek and they've rooted you to this earth. And your arms, they work. They can bend and they can write. They can pick up a child and hold another's hand. They've helped you to feel objects and to build things, they're your ability to reach out to the world. Your mind, it's a wonderful, magical, and complex tool that continues to guide your perception and understanding of the world. I could go on, but you get the point. Each and every one of your body parts has served you in some way. Each and every part continues to do something for your life. Let's not forget that every minute detail of your being is made with extraordinary and intricate capabilities.

I've always believed in not being attached to something as impermanent as our physical appearance. Of being attached to short hair, long hair, thick hair, or thin. Of not being attached to the number on a scale or the amount of space between your thighs. The way you look can change. It'll change and it's always changing. It has never been our job, responsibility, to be beautiful. We're not alive for that purpose. We all have so much more to offer the world than our physical appearance.

Who you are as a person, that's what matters. Are you beautiful on the inside?

I believe in intelligence, the ever expansion of your mind through books, travel, and new experiences. I believe in having conversations with people who have a different point of view than yours and in staying current on world events. Of challenging yourself to set higher expectations and to dream bigger dreams. And i believe in health, eating healthy, nourishing your body, and being good to your soul. I believe in exercising to add longevity to your life, to add strength to your mental and physical abilities, and to foster self-discipline. I believe in getting adequate amounts of sleep so that you're energized throughout the day. I believe in confidence and beauty in the form of a smile to a stranger, of a hand that reaches out to help without question or reservation.  Kindness towards others, determination to succeed, and the courage to forgive. That's beauty. Our internal integrity, our ability to respond with grace, the gifting of our time, and the mark we leave on the world. That's the beauty that should define us.

I believe in beauty that's real. In the naturalness that can be observed when you become who you are. I believe in our bodies serving as road maps to remind us each where we've been. That scar on my left knee from the bike crash I had as a 7-year-old kid, the burn scar on my right arm that I got from playing fireworks when I was 10. In growing old, your body having all the proof to show it. The wrinkles, flaws, blemishes, and stretch marks. Laugh lines for a life well lived. Grey hair for all of the challenges you've overcame. Extra weight around your midsection from the babies you've birthed, from the celebrations you've had the opportunity to experience, from those delicious desserts you were able to indulge in. Worry lines on your forehead for the uncertainty you felt during troubling days. Your body's a treasure chest holding within it all of the goodness you've received, the love you've given, and the pain you've endured.

You are more than beautiful. And you are more than something to be looked at. You're strong, brave, intelligent, kind and funny. You're a giver, receiver, dreamer, and a doer. You're as bright as the sun and you're so much more than the simplicity of your outward appearance. You are so much more.

Emma Watson on Feminism

This is the full transcript of Emma Watson's speech at the launch of the HeForShe campaign in New York City:

Today we are launching a campaign called for HeForShe. I am reaching out to you because we need your help. We want to end gender inequality, and to do this, we need everyone involved. This is the first campaign of its kind at the UN. We want to try to mobilize as many men and boys as possible to be advocates for change. And, we don’t just want to talk about it. We want to try and make sure that it’s tangible.

I was appointed as Goodwill Ambassador for UN Women six months ago. And, the more I spoke about feminism, the more I realized that fighting for women’s rights has too often become synonymous with man-hating. If there is one thing I know for certain, it is that this has to stop.

For the record, feminism by definition is the belief that men and women should have equal rights and opportunities. It is the theory of political, economic and social equality of the sexes.

I started questioning gender-based assumptions a long time ago. When I was 8, I was confused for being called bossy because I wanted to direct the plays that we would put on for our parents, but the boys were not. When at 14, I started to be sexualized by certain elements of the media. When at 15, my girlfriends started dropping out of sports teams because they didn’t want to appear muscly. When at 18, my male friends were unable to express their feelings.

I decided that I was a feminist, and this seemed uncomplicated to me. But my recent research has shown me that feminism has become an unpopular word. Women are choosing not to identify as feminists. Apparently, I’m among the ranks of women whose expressions are seen as too strong, too aggressive, isolating, and anti-men. Unattractive, even.

Why has the word become such an uncomfortable one? I am from Britain, and I think it is right I am paid the same as my male counterparts. I think it is right that I should be able to make decisions about my own body. I think it is right that women be involved on my behalf in the policies and decisions that will affect my life. I think it is right that socially, I am afforded the same respect as men.

But sadly, I can say that there is no one country in the world where all women can expect to see these rights. No country in the world can yet say that they achieved gender equality. These rights, I consider to be human rights, but I am one of the lucky ones.

My life is a sheer privilege because my parents didn’t love me less because I was born a daughter. My school did not limit me because I was a girl. My mentors didn't assume that I would go less far because I might give birth to a child one day. These influences were the gender equality ambassadors that made me who I am today. They may not know it, but they are the inadvertent feminists that are changing the world today. We need more of those.

And if you still hate the word, it is not the word that is important. It’s the idea and the ambition behind it, because not all women have received the same rights I have. In fact, statistically, very few have.

In 1997, Hillary Clinton made a famous speech in Beijing about women’s rights. Sadly, many of the things that she wanted to change are still true today. But what stood out for me the most was that less than thirty percent of the audience were male. How can we effect change in the world when only half of it is invited or feel welcome to participate in the conversation?

Men, I would like to take this opportunity to extend your formal invitation. Gender equality is your issue, too. Because to date, I’ve seen my father’s role as a parent being valued less by society, despite my need of his presence as a child, as much as my mother’s. I’ve seen young men suffering from mental illness, unable to ask for help for fear it would make them less of a man. In fact, in the UK, suicide is the biggest killer of men between 20 to 49, eclipsing road accidents, cancer and coronary heart disease. I’ve seen men made fragile and insecure by a distorted sense of what constitutes male success. Men don’t have the benefits of equality, either.

We don’t often talk about men being imprisoned by gender stereotypes, but I can see that they are, and that when they are free, things will change for women as a natural consequence. If men don’t have to be aggressive in order to be accepted, women won’t feel compelled to be submissive. If men don’t have to control, women won’t have to be controlled.

Both men and women should feel free to be sensitive. Both men and women should feel free to be strong. It is time that we all perceive gender on a spectrum, instead of two sets of opposing ideals. If we stop defining each other by what we are not, and start defining ourselves by who we are, we can all be freer, and this is what HeForShe is about. It’s about freedom.

I want men to take up this mantle so that their daughters, sisters, and mothers can be free from prejudice, but also so that their sons have permission to be vulnerable and human too, reclaim those parts of themselves they abandoned, and in doing so, be a more true and complete version of themselves.

You might be thinking, “Who is this Harry Potter girl, and what is she doing speaking at the UN?” And, it’s a really good question. I’ve been asking myself the same thing.

All I know is that I care about this problem, and I want to make it better. And, having seen what I’ve seen, and given the chance, I feel it is my responsibility to say something.

Statesman Edmund Burke said, “All that is needed for the forces of evil to triumph is for good men and women to do nothing.”

In my nervousness for this speech and in my moments of doubt, I told myself firmly, “If not me, who? If not now, when?” If you have similar doubts when opportunities are presented to you, I hope those words will be helpful. Because the reality is that if we do nothing, it will take seventy-five years, or for me to be nearly 100, before women can expect to be paid the same as men for the same work. 15.5 million girls will be married in the next 16 years as children. And at current rates, it won't be until 2086 before all rural African girls can have a secondary education.

If you believe in equality, you might be one of those inadvertent feminists that I spoke of earlier, and for this, I applaud you. We are struggling for a uniting word, but the good news is, we have a uniting movement. It is called HeForShe. I invite you to step forward, to be seen and to ask yourself, “If not me, who? If not now, when?”

Thank you very, very much.

So...what say you? 

Girl Power

I must say I'm totally digging this new female empowerment vibe Disney's putting off in its movies lately. With Frozen, and now Maleficent, we see women saving themselves, women helping other women, women in power and women at the center of the story. I went to watch Maleficent with my man last weekend. I really wanted to watch it because Sleeping Beauty's one of my favorite story books when I was little, the time when I hated Maleficent. This time, it's the best story of Sleeping Beauty, and guess what, it's not about a woman going nuts and cursing a girl because she's jealous. She goes nuts and curses a girl because she herself was screwed over royally by a selfish man. And this time, it's not about Sleeping Beauty. It's about Maleficent. And I don't hate her anymore. 

So here's how the story of Sleeping Beauty should sound like now:

Once upon a time, there were 2 kingdoms, the human kingdom and this magical kingdom next door with fairies and creatures and happiness. They didn't mess with each other and all's well. But then there's a boy, Stefan, who came into the magical kingdom and started stealing stuff. Maleficent, just a girl but still the a leader among the fairies, met Stefan. Instead of killing him (which they don't do in the joyous place), she walked him out of the kingdom and told him not to come back. Of course he didn't listen to her, and of course she's touched by the gesture he made by throwing his iron ring away when she told him it burned her. So he came back. And they became friends. Then more than friends. Then he kissed her with so-called true love's kiss. 

So of course it wasn't true love's kiss. It never is, now is it? The point is, this bastard left after that and Maleficent's sad, but still didn't let that stop her from becoming the most powerful fairy in the land. Stefan, who's a poor peasant boy, grew up to be some lackey man to the king. When the greedy king came to try to take over Maleficent's magical lands, she kicked his ass so hard he's sent home to die. The king vowed that anybody who kills Maleficent will take over the throne. So Stefan reconnected with her, drugged her and instead of killing her as she slept, he cut off her wings and took away a vital part of who she was. While she still had powers, the happiness was gone. She's in physical and emotional pain. This joyous kingdom turned dark. Maleficent's jubilant spirit turned vengeful.

Stefan became king and had a baby girl named Aurora. Maleficent cursed the baby girl as revenge, saying she'll fall into a deep sleep from which she can only be awoken by true love’s kiss. King Stefan hid the baby away in the woods to be raised by 3 fairies where she's constantly watched by Maleficent. Long story short, the sweet princess thought Maleficent was her fairy godmother and she started spending time with her. Maleficent grew to love Aurora and ended up saving her from the curse when she kissed the sleeping beauty on the cheek. Aurora ended up saving Maleficent by releasing her wings that her father held in captivity to be reunited with the fairy, leading Maleficent to her former greatness. The 2 kingdoms were peacefully united from then on and they lived happily ever after.

Oh I love Angelina Jolie. She's perfect to play such an amazing role as Maleficent. She's a wonderful role model to women. She's smart, beautiful, talented, she plays strong characters, she's a humanitarian, she seems like an amazing mother. 

And this is what I learned from this tale:

Being happy and in awe of the world around you will not only make everything better, it could help you overcome the evil forces in your life.

Forge unlikely alliances. Sometimes those are the most rewarding ones.

True love does exist, just not in the way you envisioned.

Taking down a powerful one isn't easy. Actually, it's pretty much impossible.

Support other women. Love other women. Don't be disrespectful to your sister, mother, girlfriend, female colleagues, fiancee, wife. Be genuine and pleasant with those women who do have ill will toward you (or who you think might have ill will toward you) because you never know, those are the ones who might end up being important to you.

 An act of true love doesn't always come from a man.

Life's gonna take things that make you who you are away from you, but don't get bitter and vengeful, open your heart and you'll be able to reclaim those things. 

So that's it. I think every girl should see this movie.

This is How You Lose Her

Here's to all the guys, dudes and gentlemen out there..

This is how you lose her.

You lose her when you forget to remember the little things that mean the world to her: the sincerity in a stranger's voice during a trip to the grocery, the delight of finding something lost or forgotten like a sticker from when she was 5, the selflessness of a child giving a part of his meal to another, the scent of new books in the store, the surprise short but honest notes she tucks in her journal and others you could only see if you look closely.

You must remember when she forgets.

You lose her when you don't notice that she notices everything about you: your use of the proper punctuation that tells her continuation rather than finality, your silence when you're about to ask a question but you think anything you're about to say to her would be silly, your mindless humming when it's too quiet, your handwriting when you sign your name in blank sheets of paper, your muted laughter when you're trying to be polite, and more and more of what you are, which you don't even know about yourself, because she pays attention.

She remembers when you forget.

You lose her for every second you make her feel less and less of the beauty that she is. When you make her feel that she's replaceable. She wants to feel cherished. When you make her feel that you're fleeting. She wants you to stay. When you make her feel inadequate. She wants to know that she's enough and she doesn't need to change for you, nor for anyone else because she's she and she's beautiful, kind and good.

You must learn her.

You must know the reason why she's silent. You must trace her weakest spots. You must write to her. You must remind her that you're there. You must know how long it takes for her to give up. You must be there to hold her when she's about to. You must love her because many have tried and failed. And she wants to know that she's worthy to be loved, that she's worthy to be kept.

And, this is how you keep her.

The Gardeners' Daughter

tulip field in Netherlands

Yes I am. Both my parents really love planting and gardening; mostly are flowering plants, but there are also some mango, rose apple, chiku and rambutan trees. This place that I'm living in, you may call it a house in the garden. My parents' interest started with growing bougainvilleas and cactus. Yes, they're beautiful but I complained when we got many pots of bougainvilleas because watering them everyday was tiring and I had to clean the fallen flowers and leaves. Now the gardens have grown from the front to backyard and there are various of plants and flowers. I don't complain anymore, I still water the plants and clean the yards because I take that as my responsibility to help my parents. Besides, I've started to enjoy it as I love the gardens. Honestly, I don't have the knowledge and skills of gardening (I planted tomato and it died), I don't have the passion that my mom has. But I want to learn, because someday I might also want to have my own garden. 

Gardening gives a creative outlet and a personal link to nature. It helps me feel attached to the earth and reminds me that I'm part of nature which tend to change. I'm thankful to have parents that love nature. And I just adore the things that they have in common, apart from love. It's soothing to see the happiness in mom's face when dad bought her new type of plant/flower, new pots, and soil, and then they would do the gardening together. Sometimes they just hang out in the garden, I can't hear the conversation, but watching them is enough to make me smile. Last year in November my dad booked flight tickets for himself and mom to visit nurseries in Selangor as a gift for their anniversary. Holy moly! Imagine how happy mom was. It's one of the sweetest thing about them!

mom at flower nursery

My dad has just retired from work, so he spends most mornings and evenings outside taking care of the plants. So recently he just finished building a hut for the plants and flowers, now we have 4 houses; orchid hut, caladium hut, plumeria hut, and herbaceous plant hut. There are many kinds that I can't name and recognize in every house, which are bought by mom and dad from many nurseries they've went to. While the bougainvilleas are scattered everywhere around our house. Told you, it's the house in the garden. It's a sanctuary, my safe haven.

I'm not sure what's the plan after mom's retirement this year. I heard they want to open a nursery business, but it's not confirmed yet. I don't know if mom could sell the flowers to people, I mean she really loves the flowers. But what I'm sure is that someday when I have enough money, I want to take my parents to any world's greatest flower fields. Like, tulip field in Netherlands, sunflower field in Italy, lavender route in France, ranunculus field in California, or at least the Flower and Garden Festival at Floria Putrajaya. It's my dream. And I hope it may come true someday. :)

caladium hut

herbaceous hut

orchid hut

plumeria hut

Rise Like a Phoenix

Sometimes, we have to fall down and scrape our knees to remember that we're human, that we're alive. We're earthbound creatures yearning for the sky, so naturally the more we leap upward the further we have to fall. It's the law of the land, it's gravity. What we must remember in these trying times is that we're capable of rising again. We can rise up from the ashes as a beautiful phoenix when before we were merely a jailbird chained to a perch.

That's not to say that we'll never fall again. But with each dive, we transform into something brighter and better. We learn how to adapt to our surroundings, how to read the red flags and how to detour out of arm’s way. After climbing to reach the height of freedom and being slammed back into reality, we learn that life is not perfect, but life is beautiful even when it feels so ugly.

We remember who we are at our lowest, where we came from. We become one with the dirt, with the flowers, and with the trees and we take a lesson from nature and continue reaching for the sun. We come to terms with the fact that if we fall out of line, no one will be saving our spot for when we're able to return. We have to save ourselves. We have to believe in ourselves and when we do, well, that's when we achieve the impossible. That's where miracles are born and bred in abundance.

Sometimes, we have to fall down and scrape our knees to remember that we're human, that we're alive.

Remember that.

True Tale of Heaven's Trail

I've fallen in love with the above picture since I first saw it on Pinterest. It has a caption saying "Heaven's Trail: A place in Ireland where every two years on June 10-18 the stars line up with this place."

Then I dug a little deeper as I was a curious cat, like always. Why would the stars only line up with this trail every 2 years? Finally I figured out that this photo's originally taken by Thomas Zimmer. He explained how it had been downloaded without his permission and shared without attribution across the internet. 

Read his blog post: My God, It's Full of Stars. See how he told the true tale of a chance every photographer dreams of; a moment when stars and opportunity align for a shot too beautiful to be believed, too captivating to be forgotten. There it was, the Milky Way, visible on the moonless night, perfectly aligned with the stairs. He didn't mention anything about the every-2-years line up. So the man figure in the picture is Thomas Zimmer himself and he set the self timer because he's all alone that night. And the real place is in Germany, not Ireland. Heaven's Trail doesn't exist, but the stairway does. 

You can find it anywhere else in the world actually, on any trail through the darkness. I might even find it someday. :)

Tread softly because you tread on my dreams. - W.B. Yeats