A Little Life

oh man where to begin. i give it 5/5 for its undeniably beautiful writting, but did i enjoy it? idk. would i recommend it? yes. but please check the trigger warnings like seriously & read it only when you're ready to be emotionally damaged, physically sick, & mentally exhausted. i ain't saying that it ain't good. it's so good yet so disturbing & painful. i'm still searching for the right word to sum up my feelings for it & tbh part of me wishes i could unread it & erase it from my memory.

the process of reading it was one of the hardest things i've ever done in my life & i never felt this way for a fiction before. it put me in terrible mood for days. some chapters made me extremely uncomfortable. even thinking about it now still makes me wanna throw up. i felt so sad, depressed & angry. there's too much sufferings that when something good finally happens, i cried! i got this strong urge to ask the author: did you write this based on your life experience? are you a sadist? or were you just out of your mind?! 

instead of 3 months as per target (hell, it's thiccc: 944 pages? what?), i finished it in a month coz it's too intense, too absorbing, so i rushed to the end coz i couldn't bear it anymore. i had to scroll memes & watch Man vs Bee after finishing this book coz i needed to reset my mind with something funny. despite all that, the tragedy in this book deserves to be heard as it does happen in real life. extreme lives exist but not all those who are sexually abused have voices or financial support to find their path. & therefore extreme lives should be present in literature.

 

Adulting is Hard

i had a wisdom tooth growing in on the bottom jaw recently & the swollen gum was pressured by the upper wisdom tooth i never bothered to have taken out, not bcoz i hate dentists, but i'm awful at making appointments. when i say tomorrow, it means next week or next month, then it becomes next year. you can live with these bad habits until they creep up on you all at once. the tooth wasn't an issue until it suddenly was a problem.

& it's a big problem. it had been hurting all day, throbbing all the way to my throat, my ear & my head. thanks to my pharmacist friend for suggesting celecoxib, i didn't feel pain for 12 hours. 

at least it's not cavities huh. i gotta give myself a credit for that. i mean, as adults, we should know how to take care of our teeth. i do know how to take care of my teeth & i'm good at it. i brush & floss everyday, drink enough water, never go to bed with food still stuck to your back molars. steal a swig of mouthwash & at least floss if you're really in a bind. & yet this kinda thing happens. good thing there's space enough in my mouth & it never crowded my teeth. i know i still have to take it out eventually. please, Aemy. no more delays, no more excuses. stop watching the tooth extraction video coz it only makes you fear the dentists. 

well. adulthood, i've learned, is mostly realizing exactly how stupid you can be sometimes. adulthood is owning up to it & trying to do better next time. it's being stupid again & learning some more, until you die. of course obody ever tells you that. they're too busy learning to pass on the knowledge.

besides, you probably wouldn't listen anyway. knowing how to be wiser doesn't seem all that appealing when you’re young. it creeps up on you. your stupidity isnit a problem until it is. & then, wisdom, hopefully, starts kicking in. 

btw, i don't feel pain anymore. my gum's fine & the swelling subsided somehow. it just feels weird to have an extra tooth. my tongue can't seem to stop reaching it & licking it. lol. 

Once There Were Wolves

 

Inti Flynn is a biologist who moves to Scotland with her depressive twin sister after a traumatic incident. boldly eco-conscious to the point of stubbornness, Inti leads a rewilding project that aims to reintroduce wolves to the forest in order to restore biodiversity. despite her noble intentions, she faces resistance from local farmers & townspeople, who fear that the wolves may pose threats. when someone turns up dead, Inti struggles to prove that it's not the wolves, even tho the alternative seems much worse. 

i must say that it's a sonnet to the nature, with special focus on the environment, climate change & ecological regeneration. it also touches upon some important issues like domestic violence & toxic relationship. this novel is fierce & powerful. it scalds with fury but soothes with empathy. & without doubt it's one of the best. 

it reminds me so much of Lone Wolf, a novel by Jodi Picoult i read long time ago. wolves have always got a strange place in human consciousness. inspiring both awe & terror, they're widely mythologized & yet little understood by humans who hunt them. the author takes them as a central metaphor to portray love & pain. i can guarantee that you'd look at the world a little differently after reading this. 

Ciao, 2021

 is this how it's gonna be for the rest of our lives? time dissolving into thick dark fog, things that happened last week seeming years ago, & things that happened last year feeling like yesterday. i guess it's simply the consequence of growing older. 

there’s no debating the fact that the last 12 months have been confusing & such a crazy emotional roller coaster on one level or another. but there's so much to be thankful for of course, & the incredible degrees of courage, fortitude, selflessness, & compassion around me truly meant a lot.

as much as we’ll enjoy seeing 2021 recede into rearview mirror, we also know deep down that 2022 isn’t likely to be much better. with the climate crisis & all. idk. 

but the beginning of a new year remains an ideal time to take stock of what's working in our lives, make plans to change what's not, & forge ahead in the knowledge that we're so much stronger than most of us give ourselves credit for. ciao, 2021.

Beautiful World, Where are You

 

it centers around 4 protagonists, realistically flawed, set in the backdrop of Brexit/Trump era, seeking connections with each other & the messiness of living in 21st century & struggling to honestly convey their thoughts & emotions. it's about navigating careers, friendship, love, politics, capitalism, religion, children, climate change, & the idealism of celebrities. 

it doesn't have a strong plot & it's mostly conversations. life's not always about huge gestures & drama. but i'm so invested in the characters as there's the sense of connection to them & i don't always like how they behave but i care about them, & that’s what i want in a novel.

the author's prose is straightforward & engaging. she paints the emotional & intellectual lives of ordinary people with such care & sincerity. she portrays a complete emotional mess in a really brilliant way. 

i think i really haven't come across other writers who communicates trivial human tendencies so accurately & effortlessly, who blends fiction with social commentary and philosophy so seamlessly, who writes sex thru conversation more so than action, & who creates characters that i can see myself in, so much so that it feels personal. one of the best i've ever read.