Anticipating Change

It can be pretty overwhelming when u know that a massive life change lies just ahead of u. We face small shifts all the time, sometimes with notice but usually with none. And then there are the really big changes u can count on. And plan for. And worry about. They’re decisions, or inevitabilities, like leaving a job or graduating or moving to a new house, dates that u’re sure will divide your life into a before & after of some kind. 

The 1st time i remember coming up against change in a really big way is when i went to college. As someone who’d never left hometown & always had the same friends, i understood that moving across the sea for that chapter of my life would be the ultimate change of course. That’s why i’d chosen to do it, after all. I knew that if i didn’t make that kind of move then, i likely never would. Still, even when u’re sure of something, it’s jarring to just sit there anticipating it. 

Those days, weeks, & months leading up to a big day, a gray-area of time just to get u from here to there. But the finality of those days carry so much weight. The last of this! The last of that! The pressure to enjoy those moments, soak them up, reflect on them while bracing for the loss...it’s a lot.

Never did i feel that more than with my pregnancy 2 years ago. Talk about one hell of an anticipated before & after, right? Knowing when my life would change completely, that sort of rocked me. I leaned into those in-between days, doing everything i could to appreciate my “last days” without a baby while also planning for what's coming.

I read so many articles. I created spreadsheets. The lists, u guys! I think about all those lists & shudder. In the months before my due date, i gathered advice from anyone & everyone, studying for motherhood like it's a test i’d either pass or fail. I wanted to be ready & at some level, there's comfort in feeling like i’d put as many ducks in a row as i could. But the pressure to do that while also basking in the glow of those final days? Way too much. I couldn’t do both, at least not to the extent i’d been forcing myself to do them. I had to ease up.

The good news is that i think i learned my lesson. I hope for the next baby there'll be only one list & one spreadsheet. I'll do my best not to map out every possible scenario before the chips even have a chance to fall. I’ll do my best to sit back, slip into the moment, & do what feels right.

Bonus: occasionally, the most ordinary day will still surprise u. 

On The Good & The Bad Gratitude

It's easy to call a day good or bad based on any one thing. A single moment can skew hindsight. The pendulum can swing back & forth from hour to hour, or even hang pretty steadily in between, but inevitably there will be a pocket of time that stands out, pulling your perspective one way or the other.

"Have a good day!" 

And that's what really got me thinking, bcoz if one thing about a toddler's day is true, it's that there are a whole bunch of good moments & not-so-good moments slammed up against each other, seemingly at random. 5 joyful minutes here, 30 angry seconds there. Inevitably, a tantrum of sorts. There'll be a half hour of contentment interrupted by regular, brief moments of impatience. No matter what, each day is an emotional roller coaster, some smoother than others, but it's never all one thing. It might be mostly good, but not all. Occasionally tough, but not consistently. 

There's consolation, & sometimes grief, in recognizing that each moment is temporary. 

That's true for life with a toddler, but true for the rest of us, too. I've purposely been trying to look at my days more like a series of moments...which can be harder for us as adults because we make such an effort to ignore (or avoid) the parts of the ride that feel bumpy. We try to soften the day's edges, make the highs & lows look & feel more subtle. In trying to smooth out the wrinkles, though, something is lost.

Life is meant to be nuanced, complex, unpredictable. We're meant to revel in the ups & brace our way through the downs, & it's okay if any one day is both good & bad, fun & hard, fulfilling & heartbreaking. It's okay, too, if at the end of some days, you let yourself feel the weight of one moment more than the others. Sink into that if you need to. In your mind, call the day good. Sometimes, call it bad. Acknowledge the gratitude in both.

Two Amazing Years

9 years & 7 months since i met him, 2 years since i married him. Two years & ever since, the ground beneath my feet has felt just a bit more solid. With him, i feel steadied.

I've had good days & tough days & a few damn-near-perfect days since we took the oath but every night when i crawl into bed, i feel anchored to something, & to someone. I'm most grateful for that because really, it's that sense of balance that lets me be bolder than i really am.

Cliché, true, as always..how much & how little has changed.

My hair's gotten darker, his flecked with grays. We moved from a house to an apartment, from our early-20s to late, but still there are nights & days & moments that make us feel like we're just pretending to be adults, like we're just moving through the motions.

I read once that a part of you will always hold on to the age someone was when you first met them, & i get it. I really do. He gave up graphic tees for tailored shirts, thicker beard to look wiser, but still, sometimes i glance over as he fastens his watch, grabs his wallet, & he's still twenty. Sometimes he's still my boyfriend.

Now with Qayla jumping on the bandwagon, every second is even more special. We've lived what feels like a lifetime in two short years. I keep a list of my favorite moments with my little family in the back of my mind & i mentally tick them off as they happen. This one's list-worthy, i'll think. Maybe even top ten.

That's what I thought a couple of nights ago, an ordinary night, during that short in-between time when our baby's sleeping safe & sound but we're still wide awake. I was sad for some reasons & i poured my heart out to him. He didn't try to fix anything but he gave me pieces of advice & said, "you're perfect enough & i'm grateful," & i knew he meant it.

Two years & counting, i'm forever head over heels. Alhamdulillah ❤ 

Little Thing

It was fine saturday morning & no laundry today so i wanted to stay in bed longer but Qayla woke up SO early which was SO unlike her coz she usually wakes up at 9am like come on baby it's Saturday uggh & hubby's suddenly craving for Maggi curry with egg but i planned to make pancakes this morning but we only had 1 egg left so i cooked Maggi for him anyway with that 1 last egg & at the same time made Qayla's breakfast & preheated her bath & had a me time for 10 seconds by drinking honey then hubby complained about his curry noodles for having too little sauce which was his fault coz he let it cool for too long & i had to explain about the science of water absorption & he took picture of his bowl & put it on IGstory lol & we had a little more fight about the splattered oil & greasy stove & he blamed me for not using the right pan then i blamed him back for not buying a new pan & not cleaning the wall & stove regularly & then Qayla made a funny sound & danced in the bath tub & we laughed. Now i'm sleepy but gotta pack for balik kampung & get ready for a open house at cousin's house which i'm so excited about bcoz im hungry but Qayla's taking a nap & gotta wait til she wakes up 2 hours later huhuhu & here i am rambling about my ordinary life with my little family, all the charms & flaws, & those are the things that make us complete & happy ❤ Alhamdulillah..

Perfect Time?

I remember long ago someone asked me these questions: Do u believe that love comes at the perfect time? What if it's not the perfect time for u? Do u continue with it anyway, or do u close off your heart to focus on the things u want to do?

I went through a painful, unexpected breakup that left me heartbroken, shocked, crestfallen & something that felt an awful lot like angry, although i couldn't name it at the time. There was grief, i felt paralyzed by the realization of an ending & loss. As i sunk into love's absence, the last thing i wanted was to find it again. And then, of course, i met someone.

I recognized him as if we'd known each other for years, as if i was returning to him or to myself or maybe both. Things felt easy & airy between us, & i told myself that there might just be something incredible here. There was, & he did everything he could to help it along & show love. He was certain. I was, too. And yet. Fear, it turns out, can be devastating. Fear & possibility can force you to turn away from the right path in favor of something easier, something that's more familiar, even if it's something that leaves you feeling hopeless.

There's a time i pushed him away, & he held on until he didn't. Because that's how it goes, isn't it? We turn someone away, beg them to let go, & then the moment they do, we're struck with the sudden awareness of what we'd always known: Love. Or faith. Or maybe both. I thought it wasn't the perfect time for us. Truth is, it never has been. Again & again we've wrestled between dreams only to realize that being together means being okay with the fact that things won't always be easy. When are things ever really easy anyway? We've been together now though & hey, there's a baby on board. ❤

There were other questions: Do you believe that you have to be happy with yourself before you get involved with someone? Or do you believe that maybe you don't have to have it all figured out, that maybe this person has entered your life to help you? 

Yes, of course. And yes. I believe both of those things, neither feels less true than the other. I think you need to be happy enough with yourself to let someone else help you. And i think it's the opening up, the welcoming in of love, ease & trust, that leads you to look back & feel like the timing was perfect. Even when it wasn't.