A Bid for Connection

Recently i read an article by some psychologists about this small moment called ‘a bid for connection’. 

They found the way in which we respond to these bids can determine whether a relationship lasts. If u notice & turn towards your partner around 86% of the time, u're building on your connection, trust & intimacy. But if u turn away & only respond to them around 33% of the time, u're inviting distance into your relationship.

U'll probably find these bids for connection in your relationships every day. Your partner might ask u to look out the window at a bird, or try to start a conversation about an article they’ve read & loved. They might begin to tell u a story about a colleague at work while u're uploading a photo to ig, or replying to a friend's whatsapp. It wasn’t until i started reading the article that i understood how, if they're ignored, these small bids can stack up into bigger resentments.

I remember when i was pregnant, at my parents', hubby called to me to look at something outside. It was early evening. I was on the sofa, heavily pregnant, which meant hoisting myself off the sofa would be a big effort. I would've stayed inside on the sofa, sweating and scrolling online, using my swollen body as an excuse not to go out into the garden. Instead i waddled outside & there it was, what he wanted to share with me: a colorful rainbow at sunset in a pink sky. 

How my mood could flip like a coin. We stared up, talked & in that moment, we were teenagers with no responsibilities, not 2 adults getting ready to bring another person into the world. I thought about how much i'd miss moments like these, just the 2 of us, but how ready we were to share them too. To add 'parents' to the many different selves we encountered in each other. Perhaps when sleep-deprivation threatened to pry us apart i'd remember this feeling & try to find a way to be teenagers together again (i did but things have been so much better when Qayla's around). 

I could've missed this, i thought. And for what? Another 10 minutes scrolling through twitter. It’s frightening how carelessly & unknowingly we cut ourselves off from these small, shining fragments of life. I'm sharing this just as a reminder to notice these bids for connection from the people u love & then to turn towards them. They might seem small. U might be busy. But perhaps, if u pay attention, a tiny moment will open up into an opportunity for love that u'll be glad u didn't miss. 

Bend & Break

Recently i read a piece from book & i found these lines: 

"the best friendships bend, which is why they don’t break. The trickiest part is just before the bending bit, when u have to adjust to each other’s different lives & choices".

As we grow older & roll with chaos, one day we'll start to feel the need to formalize friendships in a way that we didn’t before. Like, there are friends we need to speak to once week, friends we need to keep in touch with once a month, friends we need to text every couple of days - & it has to be like an appointment, like clocking in, otherwise things can fall apart. There's a charade of connectivity online, but i know that we need more than that from friends & we're prepared to invest more than that too.

Friendships do go through phases & cycles & orbits. Sometimes friendships do end, like all other relationships, & i’ve become more accepting of that too. I’ve had that with a few friendships over the past 10 years, & i've managed to repair them. How? 

Well, with forgiveness. By saying ‘sorry’ & accepting that u’re different people & u don't have to be similar in order to be great friends. By learning to love the differences in each other & in yourself. Also, u can only forgive when u know your boundaries. Establishing my boundaries & what i will & won’t accept, in terms of behavior, from other people & myself, is something that i know now.

On Giving your Mind some Space

A few weeks ago, as i folded laundry, i had a very clear thought: i need to give my brain a little breathing room. I'd been busy sorting socks & thinking how oddly comforting it can be to do something so mindless, as if my brain sighs & sits back for a moment while i build a pile of clothes. I knew i needed more of that. 

I'd already been working on it, that whole breathing-room thing. A couple months back i decided to ease up on some of the inevitable pre-sleep scrolling, trading social media for a bedtime book routine. It felt nostalgic somehow to get lost in a chapter, telling myself "2 more pages! Fine, 5 more pages!" How refreshing to let my mind focus on one story & not 46 different photos & memes & ideas, u know.

I wanted to be more mindful throughout the day, too, but what does that even look like? I'm not a person who meditates. I don't do yoga regularly. My free minutes are few, so i came to terms with it: i just didn't have room for breathing room.

And then, of course, the joke was on me, bcoz fast forward a couple days when Qayla's sleeping in bedroom & the wifi stopped working while my mobile data was also dead. I can't turn on netflix, spotify, can't open any socmeds, &...silence. Nothing. I started to feel a little desperate. I tried to sleep but can't. More silence. I'm almost embarrassed to admit how temporarily panicked i felt. 

Well i'm not alone, so i've come to deeply appreciate that stretch of time that's just mine to spend however i choose. It's a simple joy to start my day with radio channel i love. What a thrill when i can sing along to something other than nursery rhymes. 

Silence? Well, the silence just felt stressful. Jarring, even. But sometimes i realize that the silence doesn't feel suffocating, it felt freeing. Like one big exhale. I hadn't realized how much of my day involved the company of something. Not necessarily another person, but always something: a song, a conversation, a tv show, an ebook, a scroll through socmed. I hadn't been leaving much space for, well, space.  

No, this definitely isn't a story about me becoming the queen of mindfulness. No way. I did rediscover & retrace the best way back to myself, though, & i learned that silence carries a joy of its own. I was right: my brain needed a little breathing room, & it probably will again soon. What's nice is to know that it doesn't have to be all or nothing. I don't have to choose between sound or silence, chaos or focus. I just have to let myself be.

2020

Over the past few weeks, there's been what feels like an endless stream of memes & threads about turning the corner into 2020. We've been asked to look back & remember, to compare, to dream forward. We've been asked to ask ourselves questions. So. Many. Questions!

Where were u at the start of the decade? Where are u now? What have u done? What do u wish u'd done? What's changed? How have u changed? What will u do differently in the next year? The next 10 years? What are your hopes, wishes, dreams?
Like i said: Everyone's asking themselves the important questions.

If im being totally honest, i've become pretty exhausted by the whole thing. Don't get me wrong: i love fresh starts & empty planners as much as anyone, but it's all been..a lot.

In Decembers past, i used to go all-in & write pages of lists on new year's eve. I set so many goals, both realistic & not. Im nixing the lists this time. Instead, im rooting myself in another belief: that today's hopes might not be the same as tomorrow's. Everything is shifting all the time & u're allowed to do the same.

If the last decade have taught me anything, it's that your best bet is to keep it simple: Come up with clear intentions for yourself & then do everything u can do to live by them. Sometimes that's easy, & most of the time it's not, but it helps to feel as if u've set out a path for yourself, even if u're knocked sideways & have to find your way back. It helps to know u have something to return to.

I have a handful of thoughts im holding on to lately, & one of them is to embrace more stillness. Here's to the 2020. Here's to living by our best intentions & giving ourselves the space & grace to let them grow & change as often as they need to.

Gift of the Past

Some experiences felt like failures & rejections, which i'm categorizing them as heartbreaks. There was a very low period for me, & if i were to draw a graph of my life those would be the troughs. But they’ve all taught me so much & i'm able to look back. I'm not at the top of the hill like others, but i think i'm part way up the hill, looking down at the past of my life. I can see these areas of scorched earth in my past & i can see what they mean, how i carry them with me, but also how i’ve escaped them & conquered them in a way.

Hubby & i talked about our past, the decisions we made, the paths we chose & possibilities of different ones. But we've come to conclusion that everything's meant to happen for reasons bcoz Allah is the best of planners after all. The things that we went through led us to where we are today & for that we don't regret, but feel grateful. We wouldn't have it any other way. All those heartbreaks & mistakes are part of your life, so embrace & learn from them, bcoz somehow someday, instead of feeling remorse, u're gonna thank God for them.