The Steadfastness of Love

 there was a time, for example when he's supposed to come back early but running late instead, even though it wasn't his choice, i had an opportunity to resent him. there was a part of me that did, a knee-jerk emotion that made me wanna blame him. but i didn't. bcoz something reminded me of what i know to be true but sometimes still forget: love is how we choose to act in moments like these.

i think what it takes to make love work is easy to say & difficult to explain. in a way it's obvious: it's kindness. but while we often talk about kindness as small gestures, it's also more complicated & less pretty than a note saying 'i love you'. sometimes kindness is mentally walking yourself back from the rush of emotion that makes you wanna blame someone, & trying to understand them instead (& then trying to share the truth of how you feel with them too).

for me, that meant asking him about his day when he got home & finding out how sad he feels when he’s not back early enough as promised. it meant being honest about why i felt resentful, even if i understood it's not his fault, & him listening without pointing that out. i think we should always choose kindness, & therefore love, in moments like these, whether your 1st reaction is to resent a parent or a friend or a partner. 

love is this invisible thing in the atmosphere that connects you to someone, & you can sense the feelings between you & them. it's ever-moving, like the sea. but it's also a stability that i never expected, like a steady hand on my shoulder. it's difficult to describe something so quiet, that's effortless & effortful, the easiest thing & also the most complicated.

i know it's there in those everyday moments when you don’t always have to put something into words, bcoz the other person just gets it. they understand a certain look, or something simple in your body language, & then they know what you feel without you needing to say it. i love the way he knows when it’s time to leave, or when something's awkward or overwhelming, without it needing to be said. it's like you have your own language, of being understood.

he'd hold space for me to share my feelings, & that takes a lot of strength, to allow someone to say things that could hurt you from a place of love. & even to allow them to hurt you, bcoz you understand they're upset & feel something deeply. with others that could've escalated, bcoz if a person needs to hurt you back then it can go on & on. the fact that he didn't do that, even though i might've pushed for it, made me feel very understood. he'd say, "you're right, this is absolutely shitty. it's not fair on you. what do we need to do to make it okay again?"

there can be a dark side to relationship, an unkindness, & you can have big arguments over trivial things. it's interesting how you can potentially say horrible things to people & then pretend you never said them, & somehow that's excused just bcoz you're related. where does that licence to hurt come from? why does love give you the right to do that? it's fascinating.

the kindness love requires is effortful. the kindness comes in the effort to understand that certain things are no one's fault. it takes effort to step back, to have perspective & to make that choice, instead of rushing into saying whatever it is you want to. you have to make a choice to be kind. i think that’s what sustaining a relationship is about, & it looks easier than it is.

there's that feeling of trembling after you've said something horrible in the heat of the moment. you know how much it's gonna hurt the other person, but you go ahead & say it anyway, & the instant you've said it you feel deep regret. there's a shame that comes with it too. we all have the potential in us to be that hurtful, & yet it's a choice to either say it or not say it; to make things better or not to. isn't it amazing that most of us don't say the mean thing? isn't that credence to humanity that most of us don’t set out to hurt people, & yet the potential is always there?

it's all about the beauty of a shared knowledge that exists without explanation, the versions inside us that change & remain, how lonely it can be when we don't feel understood, & how love can still be deeply instinctive, as well as a choice. in the ordinariness of the everyday, the steadfastness of love is revealed.

Coping Mechanism

i'm quite aware that everybody sees fandoms differently & i respect that everyone has their own pov. it's human nature to enjoy being right. the thing is, we all need criticism. although we're drawn to like-minded ppl, those who disagree with us truly help us grow. but i'm not gonna lie, some comments can be a bit too harsh & intolerably grotesque.

i often heard fangirls of kdrama & kpop connote some sort of notoriety & are labelled as emotional, shallow & unintelligent. so i've been having curiosity of why do ppl always wanna generalize everything? why kpop/kdrama stans are being judged & attacked like it's a crime? why are they not accepted the same way as marvel fans, football fans, harry potter fans, black metal fans, etc? 

you might have thought that fangirls set high standards for some aspects: friendship always makes it thru, love never breaks your heart & a "good guy" is a handsome romantic gentleman. fret not, dude. we know very well life doesn't work like that. reality might suck but if you got faith & believe in God's plan, you know it wouldn't necessarily suck for a lifetime.

a girl could dream of dating a flawless oppa but may eventually end up with a simple decent guy who accepts the way she is. before i go on with more nonsense, let's just cut to the chase: be kind. save your sadistic comments for the real criminals out there. as long as it doesn't turn into mindless obsession or crazy cult, fandom isn't meant to be delusional, it's just a coping mechanism. 

Independence Day

when i was a kid i used to think that this land was the greatest place on earth to live in. a unique melding of cultures woven into a tapestry of bright colours that dominated my childhood. i loved Malaysia with all my heart.

but that childlike emotion doesn't survive into adulthood, especially in a time such as this. love's a feeling that waxes & wanes with the tides of time. we all eventually grow up & leave our childhood notions behind. i now feel for Malaysia like a love-hate relationship. it's a mess, & there's very little to be proud of right now.

nevertheless, i still love my country, even when it's getting a lil harder to love & a lil easier to be disillusioned. while love comes easy when we're young, you can't seem to settle for just a feeling as you get older. we're all inexplicably tied to the country of our birth, for better or for worse. some days,  it's so hard to love. other days, we live amicably enough without butting heads.

patriotism comes with the understanding that there are things we can be proud of and things that are shameful. there are lessons learnt to shape the nation to be what it is today, & all it will be in the future. we can be frustrated, but the work never ends. it'll always be a work in progress.

Violence

 it seems like some ppl are convinced of the moral worth of violence without really thinking about it. 

what is violence for? what purpose is served? what consequences does violence carry with itself? why do these people reach for violence as if it were the only tool in the box? what problem are they trying to solve?

the reality is that violence is the tool of the unthinking. the resort to violence is an unintelligent & unimaginative way to deal with matters. even those who think that violence is serving some purpose need to realize that it only destroys.

it's utterly destructive, pointless & futile. it achieved nothing. it sent ripples out through time all the way till today. it's a single moment of violence that echoes through the decades. it's the tool of the frustrated & the angry. it achieves nothing for us as human beings. 

Of Being an Outsider

how to respond to the fact of being an outsider & could never be seen as authentic? there are  2 accessible response options, with a good dose of Nietzsche.

1st is to recognize rejection & follow its consequences. even if the group rejects you, this doesn't necessarily mean that you're not part of the group. absorb the rejection & wonder where to fit in. the world is a mix of ethnicities & nationalities, & it's a  typical human desire to belong. of course, there are inclusion & exclusion from groups, but these groupings aren't important tho. anyone can be an outsider by any classification, & it's actually in the outsider position that we're able to observe & think.

2nd option is to impose yourself as the standard & measure others by it. stop accepting others as role models. fashion yourself, knowing that no one could ever be 100% perfect. stop accepting the low & impossible standards of others around you, if you're too different for their standards to make any sense in life as an individual with dignity. this is a more complex way of saying that you have to just be yourself. 

there are one-dimensional social standards for what it is to be a person in our particular philosophical universe. such standards display a misreading of how the modern world operates. each of us has a name & a face & a set of dreams, wishes, & desires. we have our own set of motivations & sources of pride. not allowing for these dreams & motivations & desires to be translated into social mechanisms that afford them the chance to be realized is catastrophic.