Adulting is Hard

i had a wisdom tooth growing in on the bottom jaw recently & the swollen gum was pressured by the upper wisdom tooth i never bothered to have taken out, not bcoz i hate dentists, but i'm awful at making appointments. when i say tomorrow, it means next week or next month, then it becomes next year. you can live with these bad habits until they creep up on you all at once. the tooth wasn't an issue until it suddenly was a problem.

& it's a big problem. it had been hurting all day, throbbing all the way to my throat, my ear & my head. thanks to my pharmacist friend for suggesting celecoxib, i didn't feel pain for 12 hours. 

at least it's not cavities huh. i gotta give myself a credit for that. i mean, as adults, we should know how to take care of our teeth. i do know how to take care of my teeth & i'm good at it. i brush & floss everyday, drink enough water, never go to bed with food still stuck to your back molars. steal a swig of mouthwash & at least floss if you're really in a bind. & yet this kinda thing happens. good thing there's space enough in my mouth & it never crowded my teeth. i know i still have to take it out eventually. please, Aemy. no more delays, no more excuses. stop watching the tooth extraction video coz it only makes you fear the dentists. 

well. adulthood, i've learned, is mostly realizing exactly how stupid you can be sometimes. adulthood is owning up to it & trying to do better next time. it's being stupid again & learning some more, until you die. of course obody ever tells you that. they're too busy learning to pass on the knowledge.

besides, you probably wouldn't listen anyway. knowing how to be wiser doesn't seem all that appealing when you’re young. it creeps up on you. your stupidity isnit a problem until it is. & then, wisdom, hopefully, starts kicking in. 

btw, i don't feel pain anymore. my gum's fine & the swelling subsided somehow. it just feels weird to have an extra tooth. my tongue can't seem to stop reaching it & licking it. lol. 

Once There Were Wolves

 

Inti Flynn is a biologist who moves to Scotland with her depressive twin sister after a traumatic incident. boldly eco-conscious to the point of stubbornness, Inti leads a rewilding project that aims to reintroduce wolves to the forest in order to restore biodiversity. despite her noble intentions, she faces resistance from local farmers & townspeople, who fear that the wolves may pose threats. when someone turns up dead, Inti struggles to prove that it's not the wolves, even tho the alternative seems much worse. 

i must say that it's a sonnet to the nature, with special focus on the environment, climate change & ecological regeneration. it also touches upon some important issues like domestic violence & toxic relationship. this novel is fierce & powerful. it scalds with fury but soothes with empathy. & without doubt it's one of the best. 

it reminds me so much of Lone Wolf, a novel by Jodi Picoult i read long time ago. wolves have always got a strange place in human consciousness. inspiring both awe & terror, they're widely mythologized & yet little understood by humans who hunt them. the author takes them as a central metaphor to portray love & pain. i can guarantee that you'd look at the world a little differently after reading this. 

Ciao, 2021

 is this how it's gonna be for the rest of our lives? time dissolving into thick dark fog, things that happened last week seeming years ago, & things that happened last year feeling like yesterday. i guess it's simply the consequence of growing older. 

there’s no debating the fact that the last 12 months have been confusing & such a crazy emotional roller coaster on one level or another. but there's so much to be thankful for of course, & the incredible degrees of courage, fortitude, selflessness, & compassion around me truly meant a lot.

as much as we’ll enjoy seeing 2021 recede into rearview mirror, we also know deep down that 2022 isn’t likely to be much better. with the climate crisis & all. idk. 

but the beginning of a new year remains an ideal time to take stock of what's working in our lives, make plans to change what's not, & forge ahead in the knowledge that we're so much stronger than most of us give ourselves credit for. ciao, 2021.

Beautiful World, Where are You

 

it centers around 4 protagonists, realistically flawed, set in the backdrop of Brexit/Trump era, seeking connections with each other & the messiness of living in 21st century & struggling to honestly convey their thoughts & emotions. it's about navigating careers, friendship, love, politics, capitalism, religion, children, climate change, & the idealism of celebrities. 

it doesn't have a strong plot & it's mostly conversations. life's not always about huge gestures & drama. but i'm so invested in the characters as there's the sense of connection to them & i don't always like how they behave but i care about them, & that’s what i want in a novel.

the author's prose is straightforward & engaging. she paints the emotional & intellectual lives of ordinary people with such care & sincerity. she portrays a complete emotional mess in a really brilliant way. 

i think i really haven't come across other writers who communicates trivial human tendencies so accurately & effortlessly, who blends fiction with social commentary and philosophy so seamlessly, who writes sex thru conversation more so than action, & who creates characters that i can see myself in, so much so that it feels personal. one of the best i've ever read.

The Steadfastness of Love

 there was a time, for example when he's supposed to come back early but running late instead, even though it wasn't his choice, i had an opportunity to resent him. there was a part of me that did, a knee-jerk emotion that made me wanna blame him. but i didn't. bcoz something reminded me of what i know to be true but sometimes still forget: love is how we choose to act in moments like these.

i think what it takes to make love work is easy to say & difficult to explain. in a way it's obvious: it's kindness. but while we often talk about kindness as small gestures, it's also more complicated & less pretty than a note saying 'i love you'. sometimes kindness is mentally walking yourself back from the rush of emotion that makes you wanna blame someone, & trying to understand them instead (& then trying to share the truth of how you feel with them too).

for me, that meant asking him about his day when he got home & finding out how sad he feels when he’s not back early enough as promised. it meant being honest about why i felt resentful, even if i understood it's not his fault, & him listening without pointing that out. i think we should always choose kindness, & therefore love, in moments like these, whether your 1st reaction is to resent a parent or a friend or a partner. 

love is this invisible thing in the atmosphere that connects you to someone, & you can sense the feelings between you & them. it's ever-moving, like the sea. but it's also a stability that i never expected, like a steady hand on my shoulder. it's difficult to describe something so quiet, that's effortless & effortful, the easiest thing & also the most complicated.

i know it's there in those everyday moments when you don’t always have to put something into words, bcoz the other person just gets it. they understand a certain look, or something simple in your body language, & then they know what you feel without you needing to say it. i love the way he knows when it’s time to leave, or when something's awkward or overwhelming, without it needing to be said. it's like you have your own language, of being understood.

he'd hold space for me to share my feelings, & that takes a lot of strength, to allow someone to say things that could hurt you from a place of love. & even to allow them to hurt you, bcoz you understand they're upset & feel something deeply. with others that could've escalated, bcoz if a person needs to hurt you back then it can go on & on. the fact that he didn't do that, even though i might've pushed for it, made me feel very understood. he'd say, "you're right, this is absolutely shitty. it's not fair on you. what do we need to do to make it okay again?"

there can be a dark side to relationship, an unkindness, & you can have big arguments over trivial things. it's interesting how you can potentially say horrible things to people & then pretend you never said them, & somehow that's excused just bcoz you're related. where does that licence to hurt come from? why does love give you the right to do that? it's fascinating.

the kindness love requires is effortful. the kindness comes in the effort to understand that certain things are no one's fault. it takes effort to step back, to have perspective & to make that choice, instead of rushing into saying whatever it is you want to. you have to make a choice to be kind. i think that’s what sustaining a relationship is about, & it looks easier than it is.

there's that feeling of trembling after you've said something horrible in the heat of the moment. you know how much it's gonna hurt the other person, but you go ahead & say it anyway, & the instant you've said it you feel deep regret. there's a shame that comes with it too. we all have the potential in us to be that hurtful, & yet it's a choice to either say it or not say it; to make things better or not to. isn't it amazing that most of us don't say the mean thing? isn't that credence to humanity that most of us don’t set out to hurt people, & yet the potential is always there?

it's all about the beauty of a shared knowledge that exists without explanation, the versions inside us that change & remain, how lonely it can be when we don't feel understood, & how love can still be deeply instinctive, as well as a choice. in the ordinariness of the everyday, the steadfastness of love is revealed.