Perfect Time?

I remember long ago someone asked me these questions: Do u believe that love comes at the perfect time? What if it's not the perfect time for u? Do u continue with it anyway, or do u close off your heart to focus on the things u want to do?

I went through a painful, unexpected breakup that left me heartbroken, shocked, crestfallen & something that felt an awful lot like angry, although i couldn't name it at the time. There was grief, i felt paralyzed by the realization of an ending & loss. As i sunk into love's absence, the last thing i wanted was to find it again. And then, of course, i met someone.

I recognized him as if we'd known each other for years, as if i was returning to him or to myself or maybe both. Things felt easy & airy between us, & i told myself that there might just be something incredible here. There was, & he did everything he could to help it along & show love. He was certain. I was, too. And yet. Fear, it turns out, can be devastating. Fear & possibility can force you to turn away from the right path in favor of something easier, something that's more familiar, even if it's something that leaves you feeling hopeless.

There's a time i pushed him away, & he held on until he didn't. Because that's how it goes, isn't it? We turn someone away, beg them to let go, & then the moment they do, we're struck with the sudden awareness of what we'd always known: Love. Or faith. Or maybe both. I thought it wasn't the perfect time for us. Truth is, it never has been. Again & again we've wrestled between dreams only to realize that being together means being okay with the fact that things won't always be easy. When are things ever really easy anyway? We've been together now though & hey, there's a baby on board. ❤

There were other questions: Do you believe that you have to be happy with yourself before you get involved with someone? Or do you believe that maybe you don't have to have it all figured out, that maybe this person has entered your life to help you? 

Yes, of course. And yes. I believe both of those things, neither feels less true than the other. I think you need to be happy enough with yourself to let someone else help you. And i think it's the opening up, the welcoming in of love, ease & trust, that leads you to look back & feel like the timing was perfect. Even when it wasn't.

2 Cents by a Stay-At-Home Mom

“So…what did you even do all day?"

Raise your hand if you've been asked this question as a stay-at-home mother. Now use it to slap whomever asked it. 😂😂

I was once insulted for being a stay-at-home mom. They said i'm stupid & narrow-minded for not having a job, crammed at home & not seeing anyone. It's painful, i wanted to shout at them, shove soiled diapers into their mouth & kick them hard. But i'm better than that. Clearly people who said those things haven't even got a kid, haven't even got nothing but their so-called dream job while wasting money on worldly stuff.

Alhamdulillah, life's been wonderful with my beloved husband and daughter. Many things have changed in a better way since we moved here. For the past 3 years i was doomed for being unemployed & didn't get why life treated me that way. But when Qayla came, i found the answers. Hubby already made it clear from the start that i don't have to sweat about not getting a job & convinced me that home is the best place for me.  As always, he's right.

Now i'm glad to be a stay-at-home mom. Because life is short & i wanna spend the rest of time raising my child, i'm lucky to be the 1st person to witness Qayla's milestones & achievement. I truly believe that rezeki comes in many forms, a child is one of them & they lead us to many good fortunes in life. As Qayla's getting good at many things now, i have some extra times to do more different things. So i've started a little online business of selling scarves & clothes since March, annnnd alhamdulillah, sales are great, enough to buy Qayla's favorite veggies. 😊

But that doesn't make me feel any less prouder of working mothers out there. I salute u, mommies. Even staying at home makes me feel exhausted to juggle everything, then it must be tougher to do it as a working mom. Whatever the risks, whatever it takes to feed & to buy some decent clothes for our babies, right?

Ignore those who say bad things about how we raise our kids. Sometimes they just say it without having knowledge or slightest idea of what it's like to be us, & sometimes i think they've just ran out of onions. You know what i mean. As long as it brings no harm, let's keep doing what's best for our kids. ❤❤

Going Strong

Assalamualaikum & hello everyone!

Alhamdulillah, it's been a year & Qayla still nurses on breastmilk..she rejects any formula & depends on me but i'm not worried much coz she's eating a good amount of food & she nurses 5 times a day & gets up 2 times at night for feedings. She's got plenty. And i'm not ready to wean yet, i plan to continue until she's 2 or 4..insyaAllah.

My breastfeeding journey is not all rainbows & roses, the older my baby is, the tougher it gets sometimes. She has 4 teeth now, so what do u expect? 😂 And she refuses nursing in public so i have to find a cubicle or go to car. But that's a just a bump in the road, the rest is wonderful. It makes me feel like a superhero coz breastmilk is a natural painkiller & soother. Plus it burns my calories no matter how much i eat.

For new mommies out there, don't give up on breastfeeding, but those who really can't, it's okay then, don't push yourself. Either way doesn't make u less a mother. I'd love to share some tips to extend breastfeeding:

1. Reduce coffee intake..give up on coffee is much better
2. Avoid stress
3. Never eat cabbage
4. Get support from your husband
5. Eat some boosters: dates, prunes, grapes, goat's milk, papaya, etc
6. Keep hydrated

❤❤❤

Read Instead

Some days you just want to cuddle up on the couch, drink coffee and read a good book. You'd feel the difference when you start picking up books (real ones, with covers and spines) instead of phone at the end of a long day. You'd feel healthier, happier and smarter. Here's some titles I recommend for you that you might want to add into your reading list. Dig in. Enjoy. Happy reading! 

1. Classics are like vitamins, you should have them everyday:

Anne Frank: Diary of a Young Girl, Anne Frank

Their Eyes were Watching God, Zora N. Hurston 

Man's Search for Meaning, Victor Frankl 

The Bell Jar, Sylvia Plath

The Book Thief, Markus Zusak

Wise Blood, Flannery O'Connor

Perks of Being a Wallflower, Stephen Chbosky 

To Kill a Mockingbird, Harper Lee

2. Books for bosses:

The Big Life, Ann Shoket

Safe People, Henry Cloud

Make it Happen, Lara Casey

Chasing Slow, Erin Loechner

3. Nonfiction I'll forever keep on my bookshelf:

Wild, Cheryl Strayed

Tiny, Beautiful Things, Cheryl Strayed

Eat, Pray, Love, Liz Gilbert

Always a Bridesmaid (for Hire), Jen Glantz

Modern Romance, Aziz Ansari 

Reclaiming Conversation, Sherry Turkle 

Love Does, Bob Goff  

Scary Close, Donald Miller 

The Year of Magical Thinking, Joan Didion 

4. Fiction picks for 2017:

The Nightingale, Kristin Hannah

The Trespasser, Tana French 

Small Great Things, Jodi Picoult

See Me, Nicholas Sparks

The Wonder, Emma Donoghue

5. For the writer in you:

Bird by Bird, Anne Lamott 

On Writing, Stephen King  

Big Magic, Liz Gilbert 

6. A bunch of books featuring crazy chicks gone psycho:

Gone Girl, Gillian Flynn 

Sharp Objects, Gillian Flynn 

Good as Gone, Amy Gentry 

All the Missing Girls, Megan Miranda 

Swimming Lessons, Claire Fuller 

Girl on the Train, Paula Hawkins 

The Woman in Cabin 10, Ruth Ware 

7. Books to grow you spiritually: 

Reclaim Your Heart, Yasmin Mogahed

Meaning of Marriage, Tim Keller

Blue like Jazz, Donald Miller

Celebration of Discipline, Richard Foster 

Run with the Horses, Eugene Peterson

8. On my docket for 2017: 

These are books that I've either never read or plan to read for a 2nd (or 5th) time in 2017. I can't speak for all of them since I don't know all the content yet but I compiled this list anyway.

Beloved, Toni Morrison 

The Fran Lebowitz Reader, Fran Lebowitz 

The Mothers, Britt Bennett 

Mad Girl's Love Song, Andrew Wilson 

The Color Purple, Alice Walker 

I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, Maya Angelou 

Gone with the Wind, Margaret Mitchell

Reclaiming and Reshaping a Voice

After years of neglect, I finally give my journal some attention. It had been mostly tossed aside in favor of this blog for quite a while, but over the last several months, whenever I sat down to blog, I just...couldn't. Everything I wanted to write felt too personal, too sacred, to share here. And so I returned to my journal. Pen and notebook. Writing privately, just for me, not for this little blog, I'd almost forgotten how good that felt. It was freeing.

If I'm being totally honest, I think I also stepped back from this blog out of fear. The internet is a different, far more intimidating place than it was when all this began. Back in 2008, I started a blog because my friends had one, and because it felt like I was writing to my friends. The blogging world felt small because it was fairly small, and that sense of intimacy, real or imagined, allowed for open, fearless, altogether imperfect writing.

Things, of course, have changed. With writing, all of it, on blogs, on sites, on social media, there's a level of scrutiny that didn't seem to exist before. Or, if it did, I was naive enough to ignore it. 

I'm grateful for the scrutiny. It keeps us honest, and it encourages thoughtful, diligent writing, both in journalism and in tiny corners of the web like this one. For me, though, that scrutiny comes with the sense that I need to be a bit more cautious. Careful with my language and my ideas. That's good for me, I know. It's a necessary and ultimately rewarding challenge, but it's also forced me to rethink my writing, and who I am. For better and for worse, I question myself more than ever before, and I'm doing my best to reclaim and reshape my voice.

More than once I've considered deleting this blog, or making it private, or erasing entire sections. It's not that I've ever written anything really wild or controversial, let's be real, this is basically a collection of sappy, melodramatic musings on the people I love and the places I come from. Still, I find myself feeling a bit embarrassed about some of what I wrote in my early 20s. The blogging landscape has changed so much that some of those earlier posts feel out of place and slightly unrecognizable. Isn't that how it always feels when you go back and read your old diary entries?

For now, anyway, I've decided that it should stay. That there's something sweet and sort of powerful about the raw, wide-eyed innocence and optimism of a young person saying whatever they want to say, even if it's cheesy or slightly self-centered or imperfect. Especially if it's imperfect.

We need those bold, unabashed voices more than ever now, don't you think?