The Special Thing in my Mom I Hope to Pass Down

I've been thinking a lot about my parents lately...who they are, who they've made me. People talk a lot about the mistakes their parents made, all the cycles they hope to break. And my parents aren't perfect, of course, but what I'm really holding on to these days is everything they did right. They set the bar in so many ways, and I can only hope to love like them.

By the way...I think I can finally share the good news: I'm pregnant and my baby is due in April next year! If you've been wondering why it's been super quiet around these parts lately, well, now you know! I honestly just couldn't sit down to write about real life, so I've been focusing on my pregnancy and trying to wrap my mind around what's ahead. We're so, so excited, and I can't wait for this next chapter.

So when you're expecting your first child, the avalanche of parenting advice that rushes your way can be more than a little overwhelming. There are suggestions from friends, tips from family members, link after link of parenting stories online. And then, of course, there are all the pointers you pick up on your own.

More than anything, of course, as I try to imagine myself as a mother, I look to my mom. I remember the way she tucked me in when I was little, the music box that played, the final words she said each night: "I love you." I remember the notes she left in my lunchbox all the way through primary school, the times she saved the day by just being there. Again and again, I've replayed scenes where she was more selfless than I'm afraid I'll ever be and more empathetic than, at times, I may have deserved. I remember feeling safe, always.

She's not perfect, of course, nobody is, although she's a perfectionist. Sometimes she's way too perfectionist. Her punctuality makes her always in a rush, she's the queen of neatness, and sometimes she cares so deeply that I hesitate to share the tough things with her, afraid she'll panic for me. There's one thing, though, one quality of my mom's, that I'm vowing to pass on, and that's her relentless need to celebrate the little things.

Every time I got an A on an exam, the paper made its way onto our refrigerator for the week. Whenever I won first place in school debate, I got to pick what we had for dinner. On each birthday, mom ordered a cake and cooked so many foods and invited everyone to celebrate. There was the time she planned a surprise party for me...actually, many times. The woman loves surprises.

Sometimes I wonder where that heart of gold comes from. Maybe it's her roots, or from a life lived in, or maybe she took after the people who raised her. In any case, it's second nature to her, and the point is: she knows how to show love, and she does it. It's as simple and as difficult as that.

My mom and I are living apart now, since I'm married and currently living with my husband, but still she finds ways to celebrate the special moments. I come from a huge family. My parents have 6 kids and 12 grandchildren, and my mom's babysitting more often than not. Still, as big as the family has gotten, that's never diluted her love for any of us. There's always plenty to go around, and she makes sure we all feel it, not just on holidays or on birthdays or when the major milestones happen, but every day, in the smaller moments.

I hope I'll someday do the same. I'm definitely going to try.

A Birthday Wish at 26

I turned 26 yesterday and I've always loved birthdays though it's not really a big deal. But for me, birthdays tend to inspire a bit of reflection. Each year I look back at the year behind me, and I have to say, if 26 treats me half as well as 25, I'll be a lucky girl indeed. I thank Allah for everything I have, especially my husband and my family. They're the most precious gift I've ever had and I won't trade them for anything. My family threw a birthday party for me yesterday, my husband bought a lovely chocolate cake and we were all having steamboat and grill at lunch. It was so memorable and wonderful. 

Fast forward a year and everything's changed, everything but the people beside me. And that's really all that matters, isn't it? And there's always next year. In the wake of everything, I've also realized that there won't be a next year to change my life.

When you're young and in your 20s, that's the time when you should be taking big risks. When else could we bounce back from bottom as easily? But there's a difference between risking big and being reckless, and that's a distinction I've ignored for the longest time. I've always been reckless. I did too many things I'm not proud of having done before I was legally allowed to vote. I've always jumped first and hoped to develop my wings on the way down.

For as long as I can remember, I've been reckless with my own life, and put my own emotions second. I grew up quickly, and compartmentalized how I felt, because I thought it was more important to focus on how everyone else felt. On how I might make life easier for them. Seeing somebody else happy was more tangible, making their lives easier was easy for me. Everyone likes to feel useful, to feel helpful, to feel needed. But I would always put my need to feel needed at the top of the list, and ignore everything else I needed.

And that's not a way to live life.

Life is too short to waste your time doing anything less than what you love, and anything less than what makes you feel alive. Life is too short to stay comfortable, and to not take risks, and to not feel scared. Life is too short to be reckless with anyone's life or emotions, even your own. Life is too short to waste your time on anyone who makes you feel anything less than important. And not everyone has to make you feel as if you're important. they're not obligated to by any means, but for every person who doesn't, you'll find 5 more who will. And they're worth the effort. Your time on them will not be wasted. And your life will be more rewarding for knowing them.

And whether it's your birthday or you just wake up tomorrow and aim to fix what's not working about your life, I wish for you to remember that though it might be uncomfortable at first, that space where things become uncomfortable is where we grow and learn the most. And that space is rare and precious and few people ever make it there. And it's worth going there. It really, really is.

Happy birthday to me. 

What I've Learned from my Husband

Sometimes you need to make sunshine a priority. Sometimes you need to set up a spontaneous picnic with friends just to soak up the daylight and yes, the laundry (and the groceries, and the dishes, and all those tv series) can wait until tomorrow.

Patience can solve just about anything.

It's important to take time for the people you care about most. Even if it means stepping outside your comfort zone or rearranging your schedule, those moments are worth it. They make you whole.

Happy music can do wonders for your mood. So can YouTube.

Cooking really isn't that hard, so don't be afraid to try something new. Plus, if you do mess up, who cares? There's always cereal. (Or takeout)

Most of the time, your stress is your own doing. Relax and take care of it, one to-do at a time.

People deserve 2nd chances, and sometimes a 3rd, too. Trust yourself. You'll know in your heart when it's time to step away from a relationship and move on.

Nothing beats rainy day, hot fish noodles, and a good movie.

It's possible to wake up happy every single day. It's possible for cool, calm, and collected to be your version of autopilot on a daily basis. (He's like that. Seriously.)

Before you ask for help, try to do it on your own. You may just surprise yourself.

Silly faces and ridiculous dance are a crucial part of life. Let loose. Acting childish every once in a while is good for the spirit.

When you're good at your core, really, truly, honestly good, love comes easy.

Trust and empathy are important, but relationships are really built on the little things. Don't overlook the smaller moments, the tiny ways in which you relate and react to each other. Flirt, laugh, stay up late talking about anything and everything, and never forget to show how grateful you are.

The Vow

On 16th July 2016, I got married to a wonderful man, Ifo, whom I've dated for 8 years. It was the greatest thing that ever happened to me and I swear I can never forget the solemnization moment and when he read his wedding vows. There were also some unforgettable moments that make me smile every time I think about them:

1. Waking up to text messages from my long distance friends wishing a "Happy Wedding Day".

2. All the flower girls and bridesmaid eating cupcakes while getting ready.

3. Stepping into my giant white dress, all the girls around me.

4. The silence, and the sound of my dress rustling against the floor as I approached Ifo for our first look. And how he smiled at me.

5. Scanning the crowd and feeling, in the most surreal way, buoyed by our friends and family.

6. Again, the wedding vows, which was my cue to cry.

7.  My veil slipping off as we made our way to the feast, delirious with joy, and Ifo catching the veil as it fell. The most perfect imperfection.

8. The biggest, best hug fest in the entire world as everyone came to congratulate us.

9. Slipping away with Ifo to take pictures, and the look of sheer amazement on his face as he whispered, "Alhamdulillah, finally..."

10. Cutting the chocolate cake coated with mint green fondant specially made by my sister.

11. Everybody's having fun with karaoke and some others were waiting turn to sing.

12.  My adorable nieces and nephews twirling across the dance floor, giddy and tired.

13. Friends and family dishing out all kinds of emotional, slurred, perfect "we love yous".

14. Hanging out with Ifo under the canopy while eating leftovers after everybody's leaving, feeling tired, happy and thankful.

And so...I just want to thank you all for your best wishes and your really, really sweet comments as I shared all our wedding photos and details on instagram, facebook and twitter these past few weeks. Special thanks to our families and friends for their continuous support and help to make the wedding as wonderful as it can be. And also special credits for these people:

Wedding suit and dress: Permaisuri Pengantin Boutique

Dais and hand bouquet: Normah Wedding Planner

Cake: Dinasha Bakery

Canopy and table set: Kris Canopy

Caterer: Kharisma Catering

Photographer: Mr. Ajib

Thanks so much everyone!

Annddd...last but not least, here's my vow:

Dear Ifo,

My best friend,

My brightest light,

My husband from this day forward,

You're the greatest, most magnificent man I've ever known.

You've taught me peace and charity, strength and integrity,

the beautiful bliss of life's most simple joys.

You've shown me what it means to be good and true,

what it's like to wake up each day with faith and hope and a fearless, grateful spirit.

I love you for so many reasons, but I love you most for your heart,

Your true and kind and open, compassionate heart.

Our love has always felt both incredible and inevitable,a miracle that's meant to be,

And my most cherished blessing is to know that I'm yours.

Today, surrounded by the ones we love,

I vow to honor, inspire, and respect you for the rest of our days.

I'm yours, my love, forever and always:

All that I am now and all that I'll ever be.

Arrival of the groom

The start of forever

It's such an honor to be his wife

A kiss

Mom

"Can't take my eyes off you"

My best friends

His best friends

Our moms

I'm honestly loving my dress

Inching Toward Love

Sometimes someone seems to be not quite falling in love, but tiptoeing toward something like it. Like everything is just happening so slowly, you know? Well it's making me feel like maybe it's just not right.

There's something to be said for the kind of love that comes quickly, abruptly, a fierce jolt that makes you stumble, do a double take, then race forward. It's exciting when that happens, and scary, and something about the fear and the thrill and the haste makes it seem inevitable. Destined, even.

Occasionally, that swift love holds onto its momentum. I've seen (and felt) that desperate, whirlwind sort of love shape into something that's lasting and evolving, but I've also seen (and felt) it lose its footing, the head unable to keep up with the heart. Or something.

I inched my way into love. When I met him, sure, there was an immediate connection, something easy and comfortable about it. But my stomach didn't drop in fear, and I didn't fall so quickly that I tripped and staggered. I just inched in the direction of love, letting it come into view in the distance while I slowly but surely watched the walls between us come down.

Truth is, I'm a put-it-all-out-there kind of girl. And he isn't that kind of guy. Of course, when you first meet him, it feels instantly like you know him, like what you see is what you get. He's easygoing and kind and level-headed in the way that can feel wonderfully simple, relatable, but he also keeps so many things close to the chest. He's the type to intrigue you, to hold back a bit, to let pieces of himself unfold and come to light over time. In all the ways that I'm obvious and open and up and down, he's careful and steady and balanced. He's sure. He knows what to share and what to keep as his own, so that weeks and months and even years into knowing him, I still find that he surprises me.

I eased into love because he eased into himself, letting me in bit by bit. For me it was a lesson in patience, because while fast happiness may feel fated, that lasting joy is worth waiting for.