Missing You

They talk about missing people as if it's something they only feel, like the scratching and melting of pulling on old sweater. But it's less like only feeling and more like living with an ache that becomes as much a part of you as your fingers or how your eyes disappear when you laugh or the freckles that find your face on a sunny day.

With features, you can pinpoint each one, and so it is with missing. Wednesday morning and I'm missing you, Thursday afternoon and I'm missing you, Friday all day and I'm still missing you. You carry the culmination of the moments, in small and simple ways, and in the end it didn't matter if they were good or bad, just that they were and for once, that was enough.

Characterized by when: when he made jokes and you laughed, when your favorite smell of was lavender and grass, when you listened to the same album hundred times and swore you'd never get tired of it. Marked by how: you picked seashells while the sun set, he drove to a sleepy town with you and listen to Coldplay, you wore his sweatshirt smelling like rain. And more often than not, it's by what it's missing: your favorite sushi, voice at the end of the line, someone to understand your movie references, a way to say I love you without any words.

I'm missing you so badly.

It's Okay to be Messy

I'm guilty of wearing masks. Specifically, the lovely, I've got it all figured out.

It's easier to slap on a smile, put up a pretty photo, write a few words, and be done. Easy to blog a session or write about what's good, instead of what's hard. Easy to put on a face and skim the surface instead of being real and honest and raw. Easy to make it seem like my life's less than messy, more like a picture perfect magazine rather than being filled with grittiness and real things like staying up too late working and getting behind on deadlines and being insecure.

I want to be honest and real. I don't want to appear like I have it all together or because I'm doing so and so, I'm somehow "better" or "cooler" or "more professional." or I've somehow reached "that point" (whatever it is, it doesn't really exist), where I've got it all figured out. Because that's so far from the truth. :)

So. Here's the truth...

I still get nervous before every session.

I care too much what people think and struggle with my identity.

I fear I don't measure up.

I focus on my fears instead of resting in God's truth and promises.

I get stuck between pushing myself and being proud of myself.

I have trouble believing in myself.

I feel like I'm faking it and won't ever make it.

I struggle with punctuality and diligence every single day.

But there's grace in the midst of those real things. And I don't have it all together. Not by a long shot. But I'm learning. I'm growing. I'm learning to let go of my perfectionism and to be confident in the gifts I've been given and use them to the best of my abilities...that doesn't mean I get a free pass to beat myself up if I "mess up" or don't meet my own expectations. There's a difference between pushing ourselves to be better and ignoring the strengths and gifts we do have, because we fear we don't measure up.

And I fear I don't measure up all the time. Because of my age. Because of where I'm at. Because I can't drive yet. Because I don't have ____ or ____(whatever it may be). Because I did or didn't receive this many comments (yes, even silly things like that). Because I'm not a permanent teacher. Because I don't work out everyday or eat totally green and on and on.

But none of that matters. That's not where my identity lies. I can find joy and I can find who I am in the things of this world or I can embrace who I am in this beautifully messy life I've been given.

Here's the deal. It's easy to reach a certain point and think that we've got it made. Whatever it is..that we'll be good. That all our insecurities and fears will go away and somehow we'll live in this overwhelming confidence. And those things are not necessarily bad..in fact, they can be really good! But when we start basing our identity in where we're at instead of who we are, then we lose the heart behind what we do and who we truly are.

I struggle with my identity. I get nervous around other teachers and students, bloggers, and well, sometimes just people in general. I'm afraid that I don't measure up. I worry about whether people will like me and I put too much stock in what other people's opinions of me are, instead of being confident in who I am. And it's an everyday choice for me to focus not on what the world says, but what God says. That I don't have it all together and that's okay. I don't have to be perfect. It's okay to be messy.

Quick Update

Hey, everyone. It's been a crazy month. I joined a camp for 3 days at Manis Manis Nature Resort, became a facilitator, my team won The Best Team award, I got to meet new friends, got to know my students and other teachers closer and we had so much. It was awesome, despite the fact that I can't sleep at nights because I heard things..well, you know, the place's haunted. I came home with bruises all over my legs. Damn you, ghost. Lol. 

the winning team

Then I went to Kuala Lumpur and stayed there for a week. It's a sudden trip, so unplanned. I was actually sending my cousin off as he got a job at KLIA as an immigration officer, and at the same time being his companion to adapt in a new place, and looking for house/room to rent. We grew up together, we're like brother and sister, so I can't just let him do everything all by himself. Yes, he's grown-up, but he's always like a little brother to me and I care about him. Plus he'll be away for a long time and we can't see each other often, so it's the only chance for me to give what I can as a sister. 

with my cousin and his friend

And recently I had a brief catch up with my friends after a month. Ah I missed them so much. We went to beach, ate the newly trending ice cream in vase and watched a beautiful sunset. 

Wait, did I mention that I'm teaching again? Ah yes, but my previous contract has ended and for now I'm just staying at home, waiting for a call from school officer to renew my contract. I sound like a freelance teacher, huh. Well, it's fun somehow. Unlike regular teachers, up to this day I've taught more than 2 subjects; Maths, Science, English, Music, Visual Art, ICT, Technical Skills, and Geography. Lol. 

So that's all for now. Till next time. ^^

Some Thoughts and Oscars

You are special.
You are beautiful.
You are wonderful.
You are smart.
You are worth it.

Are any of those statements familiar? Yes, of course. Society throws them at us every day. They're supposed to 'boost our self-esteem'. Make us feel good about ourselves. And I'm not saying that's necessary a bad thing. But really, when did we get to the point where society needed to tell us we're beautiful and worth it? When did we get so caught up in ourselves? So worried about how pretty we are and how smart and how special? Maybe it's time to look around more. It's not all about how we feel. Maybe instead of entertaining ourselves all the time, we should look for more opportunities to entertain or serve others. Maybe we shouldn't let our moods guide our actions so much. Our feelings are not at the center of the universe. Maybe it's time we stop acting like they are.

It's just something that I thought about when I was at school today. Yep, I'm teaching again. But I don't want to talk about that now because I want to talk about Oscars. Did you watch it today? OMG Neil Patrick Harris was hosting, Channing Tatum was presenting, and Tegan and Sara were performing Lego Movie's "Everything Is Awesome"!! Those have completely made my day. And congratulations to all the winners! So here's my picks for the best dressed stars from the 87th Oscars red carpet:

Keira Knightley in Valentino

Kelly Osbourne in Rita Vinieris 

Felicity Jones in Alexander McQueen

Julianne Moore in Chanel

Chloe Grace Moretz in Miu Miu

Anna Kendrick in Thakoon

Gwyneth Paltrow in Ralph & Russo

Dakota Johnson in Yves Saint Lauren

Emma Stone in Elie Saab

Jenna Dewan Tatum in Zuhair Murad

Anna Faris in Zuhair Murad

Rita Ora in Marchesa

Scarlett Johansson in Atelier Versace

Jennifer Lopez in Elie Saab

Lupita Nyong'o in Calvin Klein

Rosamund Pike in Givenchy

Ah I love them all! But my favorites are J.Lo, Emma Stone and Scarlett Johansson. ;) Which one's your favorite? 

Across the World

Since joining Postcrossing, an international postcard-swapping project, my mailbox has been overflowing with love. Postcards in all shapes and sizes have found me every month. Sometimes I read them together with Ifo and admire the photos, often chatting about the differences in the cultures between the sender and myself.

Since January 2013, when I sent my first postcard to New York, I've sent 31 cards to Postcrossing members in 24 countries and received more than 40 in return. They come from Netherlands, South Africa, Ukraine, Finland, Germany, Canada, Romania, and dozens of other places.

And each carries just a little piece of the sender. While I love the photos, what I love best is actually reading the words scrawled on each. The handwriting completely fascinates me; curly, somber, precise, delicate. I love learning about the lives of people in far-flung places; places I've never seen and may never see. Members usually have a short "about me" section on their profile, and I can't count the number of times I read about someone else's interests and think, "Hey! Me too!"

People are readers. And writers. They're photographers and music lovers and daughters. They're parents and boyfriends, travelers and dreamers. They have ambitions. And so many of them tell you about their dreams, things that might be easier to share with me, a stranger, than someone they love.

There's a sort of magic through the shared experiences, through knowing that the card in my hand, bent at the corners, once sat on the table or desk or lap of someone in a foreign nation. Someone wrote it out, forming letters meant only for me. And these cards traversed the globe to land right in my hands in Malaysia.

Though the hobby isn't exactly cheap, it's brought me so much joy. The cost of a postcard and international stamp (60 cents) doesn't bother me nearly as much as the idea of never seeing brightly-colored notes in my mailbox again.