June 28, 2018

Perfect Time?

I remember long ago someone asked me these questions: Do u believe that love comes at the perfect time? What if it's not the perfect time for u? Do u continue with it anyway, or do u close off your heart to focus on the things u want to do?

I went through a painful, unexpected breakup that left me heartbroken, shocked, crestfallen & something that felt an awful lot like angry, although i couldn't name it at the time. There was grief, i felt paralyzed by the realization of an ending & loss. As i sunk into love's absence, the last thing i wanted was to find it again. And then, of course, i met someone.

I recognized him as if we'd known each other for years, as if i was returning to him or to myself or maybe both. Things felt easy & airy between us, & i told myself that there might just be something incredible here. There was, & he did everything he could to help it along & show love. He was certain. I was, too. And yet. Fear, it turns out, can be devastating. Fear & possibility can force you to turn away from the right path in favor of something easier, something that's more familiar, even if it's something that leaves you feeling hopeless.

There's a time i pushed him away, & he held on until he didn't. Because that's how it goes, isn't it? We turn someone away, beg them to let go, & then the moment they do, we're struck with the sudden awareness of what we'd always known: Love. Or faith. Or maybe both. I thought it wasn't the perfect time for us. Truth is, it never has been. Again & again we've wrestled between dreams only to realize that being together means being okay with the fact that things won't always be easy. When are things ever really easy anyway? We've been together now though & hey, there's a baby on board. ❤

There were other questions: Do you believe that you have to be happy with yourself before you get involved with someone? Or do you believe that maybe you don't have to have it all figured out, that maybe this person has entered your life to help you? 

Yes, of course. And yes. I believe both of those things, neither feels less true than the other. I think you need to be happy enough with yourself to let someone else help you. And i think it's the opening up, the welcoming in of love, ease & trust, that leads you to look back & feel like the timing was perfect. Even when it wasn't.

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