Anticipating Change

It can be pretty overwhelming when u know that a massive life change lies just ahead of u. We face small shifts all the time, sometimes with notice but usually with none. And then there are the really big changes u can count on. And plan for. And worry about. They’re decisions, or inevitabilities, like leaving a job or graduating or moving to a new house, dates that u’re sure will divide your life into a before & after of some kind. 

The 1st time i remember coming up against change in a really big way is when i went to college. As someone who’d never left hometown & always had the same friends, i understood that moving across the sea for that chapter of my life would be the ultimate change of course. That’s why i’d chosen to do it, after all. I knew that if i didn’t make that kind of move then, i likely never would. Still, even when u’re sure of something, it’s jarring to just sit there anticipating it. 

Those days, weeks, & months leading up to a big day, a gray-area of time just to get u from here to there. But the finality of those days carry so much weight. The last of this! The last of that! The pressure to enjoy those moments, soak them up, reflect on them while bracing for the loss...it’s a lot.

Never did i feel that more than with my pregnancy 2 years ago. Talk about one hell of an anticipated before & after, right? Knowing when my life would change completely, that sort of rocked me. I leaned into those in-between days, doing everything i could to appreciate my “last days” without a baby while also planning for what's coming.

I read so many articles. I created spreadsheets. The lists, u guys! I think about all those lists & shudder. In the months before my due date, i gathered advice from anyone & everyone, studying for motherhood like it's a test i’d either pass or fail. I wanted to be ready & at some level, there's comfort in feeling like i’d put as many ducks in a row as i could. But the pressure to do that while also basking in the glow of those final days? Way too much. I couldn’t do both, at least not to the extent i’d been forcing myself to do them. I had to ease up.

The good news is that i think i learned my lesson. I hope for the next baby there'll be only one list & one spreadsheet. I'll do my best not to map out every possible scenario before the chips even have a chance to fall. I’ll do my best to sit back, slip into the moment, & do what feels right.

Bonus: occasionally, the most ordinary day will still surprise u.