Being On and Off

Everybody has a go-to time of day. We all have a chunk of time when we'll be our best selves. For me, it's those early hours when the world is waking up & i'm running on a perfect morning cocktail: caffeine & a sense of possibility.

We can't be "on" all the time, especially when it comes to being creative or productive. I've come to accept that i have productive peaks & valleys in my day, but even beyond that, i've learned i have a reserve of just how much me there is to give.

I remember a time in high school when i was having bratty moment, probably after a fight, i told someone, "i can't be perfect all the time, so i just have to let this out right now, okay?" Well it was just me justifying my teenage behavior, but it struck her that day. I wish she knew that as a 16-year-old girl i was just trying to figure myself out, i needed a space where i could be off. I was pushing myself to be "on" for more hours than i could really handle, & at some point, something had to give.

U can't help it sometimes. U're your best self at work or at a party or wherever, & then u get home & find yourself fully shutting down in the moments u spend with the people u love most. That's fine every once in a while, & there's something about comfort of "shutting down" together (hey, Netflix & bubble tea!). U have to be aware of that tendency though & sometimes u just have to say it aloud: "don't mind me, just gotta shut down for a few."

That's been an ongoing lesson for me. My time has never been spread thinner than it is now, & for the sake of my roles & relationships..marriage, friendships, & parenthood. I've tried to become more conscious about when i need to be on, when i can turn off, & where my priorities really lie. U know yourself. U know what u gotta give, & the best time to give it. The tricky part is actually listening to yourself.