The Steadfastness of Love

 there was a time, for example when he's supposed to come back early but running late instead, even though it wasn't his choice, i had an opportunity to resent him. there was a part of me that did, a knee-jerk emotion that made me wanna blame him. but i didn't. bcoz something reminded me of what i know to be true but sometimes still forget: love is how we choose to act in moments like these.

i think what it takes to make love work is easy to say & difficult to explain. in a way it's obvious: it's kindness. but while we often talk about kindness as small gestures, it's also more complicated & less pretty than a note saying 'i love you'. sometimes kindness is mentally walking yourself back from the rush of emotion that makes you wanna blame someone, & trying to understand them instead (& then trying to share the truth of how you feel with them too).

for me, that meant asking him about his day when he got home & finding out how sad he feels when he’s not back early enough as promised. it meant being honest about why i felt resentful, even if i understood it's not his fault, & him listening without pointing that out. i think we should always choose kindness, & therefore love, in moments like these, whether your 1st reaction is to resent a parent or a friend or a partner. 

love is this invisible thing in the atmosphere that connects you to someone, & you can sense the feelings between you & them. it's ever-moving, like the sea. but it's also a stability that i never expected, like a steady hand on my shoulder. it's difficult to describe something so quiet, that's effortless & effortful, the easiest thing & also the most complicated.

i know it's there in those everyday moments when you don’t always have to put something into words, bcoz the other person just gets it. they understand a certain look, or something simple in your body language, & then they know what you feel without you needing to say it. i love the way he knows when it’s time to leave, or when something's awkward or overwhelming, without it needing to be said. it's like you have your own language, of being understood.

he'd hold space for me to share my feelings, & that takes a lot of strength, to allow someone to say things that could hurt you from a place of love. & even to allow them to hurt you, bcoz you understand they're upset & feel something deeply. with others that could've escalated, bcoz if a person needs to hurt you back then it can go on & on. the fact that he didn't do that, even though i might've pushed for it, made me feel very understood. he'd say, "you're right, this is absolutely shitty. it's not fair on you. what do we need to do to make it okay again?"

there can be a dark side to relationship, an unkindness, & you can have big arguments over trivial things. it's interesting how you can potentially say horrible things to people & then pretend you never said them, & somehow that's excused just bcoz you're related. where does that licence to hurt come from? why does love give you the right to do that? it's fascinating.

the kindness love requires is effortful. the kindness comes in the effort to understand that certain things are no one's fault. it takes effort to step back, to have perspective & to make that choice, instead of rushing into saying whatever it is you want to. you have to make a choice to be kind. i think that’s what sustaining a relationship is about, & it looks easier than it is.

there's that feeling of trembling after you've said something horrible in the heat of the moment. you know how much it's gonna hurt the other person, but you go ahead & say it anyway, & the instant you've said it you feel deep regret. there's a shame that comes with it too. we all have the potential in us to be that hurtful, & yet it's a choice to either say it or not say it; to make things better or not to. isn't it amazing that most of us don't say the mean thing? isn't that credence to humanity that most of us don’t set out to hurt people, & yet the potential is always there?

it's all about the beauty of a shared knowledge that exists without explanation, the versions inside us that change & remain, how lonely it can be when we don't feel understood, & how love can still be deeply instinctive, as well as a choice. in the ordinariness of the everyday, the steadfastness of love is revealed.