A Bid for Connection

Recently i read an article by some psychologists about this small moment called ‘a bid for connection’. 

They found the way in which we respond to these bids can determine whether a relationship lasts. If u notice & turn towards your partner around 86% of the time, u're building on your connection, trust & intimacy. But if u turn away & only respond to them around 33% of the time, u're inviting distance into your relationship.

U'll probably find these bids for connection in your relationships every day. Your partner might ask u to look out the window at a bird, or try to start a conversation about an article they’ve read & loved. They might begin to tell u a story about a colleague at work while u're uploading a photo to ig, or replying to a friend's whatsapp. It wasn’t until i started reading the article that i understood how, if they're ignored, these small bids can stack up into bigger resentments.

I remember when i was pregnant, at my parents', hubby called to me to look at something outside. It was early evening. I was on the sofa, heavily pregnant, which meant hoisting myself off the sofa would be a big effort. I would've stayed inside on the sofa, sweating and scrolling online, using my swollen body as an excuse not to go out into the garden. Instead i waddled outside & there it was, what he wanted to share with me: a colorful rainbow at sunset in a pink sky. 

How my mood could flip like a coin. We stared up, talked & in that moment, we were teenagers with no responsibilities, not 2 adults getting ready to bring another person into the world. I thought about how much i'd miss moments like these, just the 2 of us, but how ready we were to share them too. To add 'parents' to the many different selves we encountered in each other. Perhaps when sleep-deprivation threatened to pry us apart i'd remember this feeling & try to find a way to be teenagers together again (i did but things have been so much better when Qayla's around). 

I could've missed this, i thought. And for what? Another 10 minutes scrolling through twitter. It’s frightening how carelessly & unknowingly we cut ourselves off from these small, shining fragments of life. I'm sharing this just as a reminder to notice these bids for connection from the people u love & then to turn towards them. They might seem small. U might be busy. But perhaps, if u pay attention, a tiny moment will open up into an opportunity for love that u'll be glad u didn't miss.