Numbered Days

I've always been aware of death. Not preoccupied, scared, or fearful of, but aware. Or maybe, just cognizant of life itself. And not just life in general, but my one chance to get it right. Sure, I'll make mistakes. That's not the point. I'm aware of the fact and remind myself on a daily basis that my time here is limited. So from now until then is all I have. Because of this ever present awareness of death, I recently decided that now's the time to make sure I'm living this one life. I found myself asking, how do you want to spend your limited number of days, and my answer has consistently been, doing something meaningful, especially as required in Islam.  

We only live once, which means we have to do and be all that we're created to be. On a daily basis, we have to work to become. I personally never fulfill my new year's resolutions so instead, I'm committing myself to a year full of meaningful days. A meaningful day can truly be anything, but for me, that means taking small steps on a daily basis to change the world. Cliche? Yes. Impossible? No.

I want some meanings behind the things I buy, the places I give my money to. Where I go, what I do for fun. How I treat people. How I leave the world behind. I want to make something good even after I'm gone, not to be remembered, but at least to do the right thing for people, to make them stay alive and be better. Signing up as an organ donor, for example. While I'm aware of the possibility of death, what I really mean is that I'm making a conscious effort to be alive.

Struggling and Loved

The fact that you're struggling doesn't make you a burden. It doesn't make you unloveable or undesirable or undeserving of care. It doesn't make you too much or too sensitive or too needy. It makes you human. Everyone struggles. Everyone has a difficult time coping, and at times, we all fall apart. During these times, we aren't always easy to be around, and that's okay. No one is easy to be around 100% of the time. Yes, you may sometimes be unpleasant or difficult. And yes, you may sometimes do or say things that make the people around you feel helpless or sad. But those things aren't all of who you are and they certainly don't discount your worth as a human being. The truth is that you can be struggling and still be loved. You can be difficult and still be cared for. You can be less than perfect, and still be deserving of compassion and kindness.

Agonizing Decision

Do you ever wonder how different your life could have been if you made a different decision? Or if you had the guts to walk away from something or someone that's causing you pain? Every day we're faced with decisions, choices and opportunities. Some we don't want to take, some we do. Some we have no choice in and some we couldn't make fast enough. 

Today I thought about all the wrong decisions I've ever made in my life and wondered if my life had been different if I didn't made them. The obvious answer would be yes of course. One of the decisions that I made and regretted was my degree course. Yep, I didn't like it. I even disliked it more when it led to another stupid decision that I made last June..which I never told anyone. No one knows about this, even my mom, my boyfriend, my best friend..so I'm gonna say it now.

I declined a job offer as one of editors at Zalora.

I came across your blog and I loved your honest and down-to-earth writing style. You also have great thought-provoking entries. Zalora is looking to collaborate eloquent and talented bloggers like yourself, and I was wondering if you would be keen on working with us. Do let me know if you are interested?

That's the 1st email I received in June 2013. I sent my resume enclosed with a sample of article. Few weeks later I was accepted and they required me to work at their HQ in KL. The excitement turned to sorrow. I had to decline it because I was in the middle of thesis and finishing degree which I couldn't turn down just like that. I made my own choice without discussing with anyone. I don't know why I did that, and so it's stupid. It is stupid now. That's the most agonizing decision I've ever made in my life. 

Every decision I've made or didn't make for that matter has all led me to where I am today. Where am I? Home. Unemployed. So the question that should be asked is "what have I learned?"

Well, the Zalora job might not be my rezeki after all. Someone else who's way braver and wiser deserves it. My life's a series of unfortunate events that have only made me stronger. Of course we never see it that way at the beginning but how does anyone know how something is going to end at the start, right?

I try to be grateful. That’s how strange life is, you have to take each day as it comes and try and always be grateful for the great things in your life. You should write a list of 10 things every morning of the things you're grateful for and see the rewards you're blessed with. Nobody can change the past and so we should take pride in learning from our mistakes and choosing to always live In the present. 

How to Tell

Somebody loves you if they don't mind the quiet. They don't mind running errands with you or doing their work while you blasting some annoying music. There's no pressure, no need to fill the silences. 

You know how with some of your friends there needs to be some sort of activity for you to hang out? You don't feel comfortable just shooting the shit and watching bad reality TV with them. You need something that will keep the both of you busy to ensure there won't be a void. That's not love. That's "hey, I like you okay. Do you wanna grab lunch? I think we have enough to talk about to fill 2 hours!" 

It's a damn dream when you find someone you can do nothing with. Whether you're skydiving together or sitting at home and doing different things, it's always comfortable. That is love.

Twenty Something

When I was 13, I couldn't wait to be 18. I thought I'd know it all by then, have all the answers and that prized freedom. And when I was 16, I planned to be married by age 24..lol. I'll always smile to myself when I think about how time changes things. And when I turned 20 I made a list of as many goals as I had in years. By my 23rd birthday, I've accomplished half of them. And a funny thing will happen about the time you turn 23. People start asking about marriage and job. You begin to worry about savings, health, house, car and everything. And sometimes you start to compare your 23 years with everyone else's. You wonder if you're on the right track because it's different from all the people you're surrounded by. You start going to your friends' weddings and buying baby gifts for birthdays. And suddenly you realize you're at the exact age that seemed so far away just 5 years ago.

I’ve always liked including myself in the 20 something category. Growing up, but not quite grown up. You're an adult, but still recognize that you're part kid, you know. I've enjoyed the navigating of adulthood and all of my new first time experiences. A job. My 1st paycheck. Being old enough to travel. But it seems like the older I've gotten, the more aware I've become of my short-lived stay in the '20s' and the pressure to fit the mold of all of the rest of the 'twenthirders'. I've started to think about how easy it is to become controlled by our age. And the expectation of what your age signifies to everyone else..how old you should be by the time you graduate, buy your 1st house, get married, have kids, etc. Suddenly it seems like there are all these benchmarks to meet, even when they don't match the goals you're trying to reach.

Forget molds. Because as easy it is to forget, you're free to do what you want with your life. The problem is, that can be quite the responsibility, to live your life the way you want to, rather than the way you're expected to. Especially if that means taking a big jump. And especially when that jump may feel like a free fall. Maybe quit your 1st job and go back to college continuing study if that feels right. Maybe get married or don't. Maybe you change your mind, end a relationship that no longer serves you. Become a different person. Maybe you move away or move back home. Or maybe you're scared to do these things because it's uncomfortable and unexpected. Maybe it's because you don't know if everything would fall into place or you're scared what that would mean if it did.

Dear teenagers, when you're in your 20s, I hope you buy a flight ticket to other countries. I hope you get lost wandering all of the streets. I hope you travel the world and read lots of books. I hope you have interesting conversations over warm cups of tea. I hope you set goals and change them. Write a book. Change your mind. Start new friendships and let go of the ones that you need to. Say goodbye to all of the things that have kept you stagnant and vow to keep moving forward. I hope you stay up all night laughing with your friends. And when you're 30, learn something new. I hope your life is one of wisdom and youth, adventure and old age, no matter what year it was that you were born. And then it goes on.

But what I really mean to say is that I hope you aren't held back because of a number, that you don't rush into things because it feels like time is slipping by. Do what's right for you.  Hold on, slow down, and breathe in. Your age is your age. But more importantly, your life is your life. Don't change your journey so that it matches someone else's. We need to walk different paths so the whole world can be explored. Revel in the differences and enjoy where you are. :)