For the Brokenhearted Girl

A few weeks ago I received a message from a dear friend who's younger than me and going through a heartbreak. She asked me to write an advice and post it here, she is not a blogger but often reads my blog, which is flattering. So this is the reply I could come up with, I'm not a good adviser, but this is straight from my heart. I hope it'd help you, dear.

Dearest darling,

First of all, a big hug to you. This heartache your feeling is raw, and you're such a tender soul right now. Take a second to breath, and know that you're so loved by so many people. You got that, sis? Okay? Okay. :)

Secondly, oh..boys. And I say boys because I dated someone who sounds crazy similar to your boy, and that's exactly how they behaved, like boys. But we accept it, because we think they'll turn into men sooner than later and the sad part is, sometimes they take years! Or never even grow up. But you can't let him stop your growing because of his own issues. It's hard, because they're boys who don't think like logical men.

This may be the hardest part of all, but I'm telling you this from the side of the heartbroken: cut off all communication. Hide his facebook updates, delete his number from your phone, and try and explain to your friends that  you need to be away from him until you feel better. In my humble opinion, staying friends so fresh after a breakup never, ever works. With my ex, he responded to none of my reaching out to him after the breakup. I found this to be cruel cruel cruel. But, years later, I saw him and thanked him for this time of healing. I thanked him silently. Because he knew that it'd just drag the process out longer. It's like ripping off a band-aid. You either do it slowly and feel every single of pain for each individual piece, or you rip that off quickly and get it over with. I highly recommend the latter.

I also want to point out that when things get serious, it terrifies boys, because they aren't used to feeling such strong emotions. So, to protect themselves, I'm of the opinion that they run from anything to keep themselves from getting hurt. But this is not your fault, nor is it mine. It's just the nature of the beast.

Take some time for you, let him see that if he really wants space, you'll give it to him, and let him see that the pain of losing you isn't worth it. And, if he's still scared, he's not the one for you. You know how the saying goes like, "let it go, if it comes back, it's yours; if not, it never was". I find that to be quite true sometimes. I know you and him have a love that's between you two. It'll always be there. And it'll always be unique to you two. That's the best part about love, there's never the same love twice, so you'll always be in each other's hearts.

I hope this helps a bit, dear friend. I know this is very hard to believe, but your heart will heal. It really will. And you'll be stronger for it. But in the meantime, embrace your emotions. And love, eat, and stay healthy. Take a lavender shower and buy yourself a fantastic new dress or lipstick. One that reminds you every time you see it that you're healing.

So much love to you and don't hesitate if you need to talk! Big hugs!

Make Life Easier for Each Other

Most of us don't want to back off from our favorite thing. We won't even do our second favorite thing. Imagine yourself screwing over entire lanes of traffic because the driver forgot to get in the left lane, so you cut over several lanes to make your turn before the light changes. Don't you think that you just shove your car through everybody's life? 

We have to stop doing things like this to each other sometimes. We're all just going the best we can in life, and our best would be 10 times more awesome if we tried to make the lives of people around us better, because as a result, our lives will be better. If everyone wants everyone else to be okay, then won't we all be okay? So what we can do to make life easier for each other? Here's some tips for me, you and everyone.

1. Don't ever tell anyone they look tired.

2. Help people, and if you offer to help someone, follow through.

3. Be kind to people who work in retail and food service.

4. Let someone know you’re not interested.

5. Actually hang out sometime.

6. Be a little more honest.

7. Stop calling each other mean names on the Internet.

8. Send more letters (not emails or text messaging or whatsapp or bbm, etc) and gifts.

9. Give more genuine compliments.

10. Have more patience while waiting in lines.

Warrior Blood in my Veins

The 7-day tahlil ceremony for my late grandma (may her soul rest in peace) has came to end last wednesday. It all went well, alhamdulillah. I was glad that Ifo and The Baks came on one of the nights because honestly, I was me again when they're around. It's not that I ain't happy with my family..I don't know how to describe this, but when you and your family are gathering and you know there's a void, deep in your heart wishing someone were there too, then forcing smile or laugh to cover the emptiness, you know. 

Anyway, during the ceremony, there was grandma's uncle that we called him Nek Tamin, 95 years old. He came bringing something valuable for our family; full hierarchy and written story about our ancestors. Surprisingly, after 23 years of living, only now that I've found out who's my great great great grandparents. Nek Tamin's father, which is also grandma's mother's father, was named Awang Besar, who used to be one of the workers that built the train railroads Papar to Tenom. Awang Besar was raised by his adopted family as her mother died when he's a baby and her father went to war, but the real purpose was to hide him from British people. So who were the father and mother of Awang Besar? Believe it or not, they're Datu Paduka Mat Salleh and Dang Bandang. 

Yes, this is not a joke, I'm seriously talking about Mat Salleh, the Sabahan warrior who gained his fame due to his resistance to the British colonials in Sabah. Mat Salleh's my great great great grandfather. I didn't know it until 5 days ago. I'm not sure if late grandma knew it too because she never told us any of it. I think this is another miracle that she left. It's not something to be bragged about, but I was really really surprised. I hated History subject in school, I might even had fallen asleep when the teacher taught us about Mat Salleh, who apparently happens to be one of my ancestors. 

Truth be told, Mat Salleh didn't killed in the battle in 1900. He found shelter somewhere at Indonesia and lived there for 38 years before coming back to Sabah with a new identity, Hj Abdul Salam. That's also when his son, Awang Besar, drew his last breath. This story's told by Nek Tamin who has witnessed everything. I know that according to our History textbook, the story goes different way. Now it's up to you whether to believe the textbook version or the 95-year-old Nek Tamin version. Allah knows best. But it doesn't matter now to me because bygone is bygone. What matters is I know my roots, my ancestors, my family. In a way, knowing that warrior blood runs through my veins is cool. :p

Just a Memory

Ifo made a new song called Memori. I've been listening to it over and over again because it reminds me of grandma. Ironically, Ifo made it on the night before my grandma passed away. Each time I play it, I'd get a feeling, the same one when I was listening to Paramore's In The Mourning, Avenged Sevenfold's So Far Away, Avril Lavigne's Slipped Away, etc. 

I hope you'll listen to the song and love it. The music and lyrics are solely made by Ifo, and here's the demo video, presented by Ifo and Naaszreen.

Memori - The Baks

Kau pergi jua,

Tinggalkan segala,

Takkan ku lupakan

Senyummu selalu

Tinggallah kenangan

Tinggallah memori

Memori yang terindah

Ku rindu dia

Sekian selamanya 

Ku ingat dia

In the Mourning

the last picture of us together

It was 27th November 2013. My grandma came to house that morning. She looked pale and tired, but was still smiling and cheerful. So we talked like usual, she told me about gardening and planting coconut trees at aunt's house (which she couldn't make it). I showed my convocation pictures to her and she's happy for me. She also hoped that she could see my wedding one day. Then I asked her to rest and watch tv for a while as I did laundry, but when I got back she's already went back home. 

Only that evening I realized that it was the last day I saw and talked to my grandma. Around 3pm, she felt uneasy, was hard to breathe..she asked my aunt to help her taking a bath and apologized to everyone for being a burden before she's taken to hospital where she's admitted to ER. I didn't join them (which I regret) because I had to take care of my niece. Then I did the weirdest thing that day; I vacuumed the carpets and changed the curtains. I didn't know why I did that, as if people were coming for an occasion. I mean, I just did. I went to hospital with my dad before 6, but when I got there, everyone's weeping, crying..I knew it's already too late. The doctor said he'd done everything he could. My grandma's blood pressure was too low, her heart was too weak and there's a sudden attack of pneumonia. 

I ran into the ER and saw my grandma in the bed, white and unconscious. My mum, aunts and others were crying around her..but I just can't go nearer because I felt so sick and weak. I thought I was prepared. I wasn't. I got out of the room, ran to empty space until I couldn't feel my feet..sat on the floor and cried so hard. I recalled every moment with grandma..when I was kid, when we celebrated something, few weeks ago, and that morning. I recalled our last moments together. I can't believe things happen in a blink of an eye. She's gone. The person I love, the person I talk to everyday has gone now.

It's been 4 days now. I've been losing sleep, losing interest in everything, losing myself in deep thoughts, my body and mind are out of sync, my tears have dried but my heart's still broken. It's like I'm still stuck in the morning of 27th November. 4 days and it still lingers. I'm trying to keep things together. I told myself all the right things to justify why it was okay.

Deep in my heart, I'm thankful to Allah because grandma slipped away in peace. She's left us miracle and a lot of greatest life lesson. At least for me. She had lived a full life. She's the friendliest person I've ever known. She treated everyone, even strangers, kindly like they're her family and friends. She loved to do sedekah. She's hardworking and never tired of giving useful advice along with interesting stories. She's funny and a bit of superstitious, and that's how we love her. She used to advise us to be aware of death as much as to obey Allah's rules in sickness and health. The way grandma lived her life has changed me: I aim to be as loving to others as she was to people. In this way, her spirit lives on through me. One flap of my grandma's wings creates a wave that will ripple on into the future indefinitely. 

Though she couldn't get to see my wedding, I'll remember her when the time comes. I'll always remember grandma. May Allah rest her soul in eternal peace. Al-Fatihah..