In Your Heart or On Its Way

Nizam & Nana :)

Last Friday my best friend, Nizam, got married to the woman he loves after 5 years of relationship. I couldn't attend the ceremony because something came up at that time, but I met Nizam to have some words, say congrats and all the best wishes. It's the least I can do. Besides, it's been a really long time we didn't meet. 

We used to be neighbors and went to same school, have been like brother and sister ever since. Actually there were 3 of us; goofed around, fought, shared problems, helped each other in studies, sang our favorite songs, spent holidays together..just like siblings. But then one of us died in 2006. Nizam drifted away and I stayed with my other friends. We lost a brother and thought we've lost everything. But friendships remain forever and we're just trying to grasp reality because the grief was too consuming. We got each other, we've moved on. The memories and friendship we have are the only reasons we keep in touch now. 

And I couldn't be happier when Nizam finally got married. I'm sure it was a beautiful, blessed wedding. :)

He waited 5 years to marry his girl, juggled with studies and different jobs, and his hard work has paid off. He got a fix job now and he grabs the chance to propose. I'm really proud of him. 

I love weddings. Absolutely love them. Whether it's a dear friend's wedding or someone I've never even met, my heart swells watching two people celebrate their never-ending love for one another. And when my best friends marry the love of their lives, holy moly..my heart would nearly jump right out of my chest with happiness.

How on earth will I keep my heart from exploding with love the day I marry the love of my life? Do they have vitamins to prevent that? Lol.

Well, congratulations again to Nizam and Nana. May they live happily ever after. :)

..and life gets more exciting with each passing day, and love is either in your heart or on its way.

A Beginning

I've always been afraid of endings. I dodge them, avoid them, find any excuse to hold on to what comes before the end. It's a habit of sorts, and I'll do just about anything to put the pieces of my life on a forever timeline. My fear feels most obvious, most tangible, in the way that I read books. I dive into a narrative headfirst, moving through the pages as quickly as I can, engrossed, only to stop at the final chapter and wait days, weeks even, until I read those final pages. I cling to the hope that's found in "what if?".

Much of my life has felt permanent. My family has stayed together since I was born, my friends has been the same since high school, etc. So much of what I know is linked, the different corners of my life connected because I've made a conscious effort to connect them. My past and my present feel blurred together, and there's comfort, I think, in those ties, in the way that they erase time, making then and now and later feel not so far apart.

In the past, rather than letting a friendship or a relationship or a phase of my life come to an end, I'd force it to shift shape and evolve into something different, more manageable, never quite willing to let it go, even when that may have been easier. And I wonder, sometimes, where that comes from, why goodbye can feel so drenched in dread. I'm grateful to love someone who embraces black-and-white endings, the finality of knowing what is and what isn't. Ifo seems fearless and sure in that way. But me, I've found that I'm most comfortable lingering in the gray area, the murky space where hope seems to live.

All this is to say that I've been wrong. Because most things in life don't belong in the world of forever, and that's a good thing. Endings, for what it's worth, can actually be quite freeing, because endings are opportunities, springboards toward something new. And so maybe, all this time, what I've really feared wasn't reaching the end, but deciding what's next: a beginning.

From Aemy's Lab: Gulai Kawah

dream kitchen

My favorite part of my house is the kitchen. Hi-5 if we have thing in common. ;)

Yep, I've been spending a lot of time in the kitchen these days; not just eating, but also cooking. I'm not a great chef, I don't know all the recipes in the world, but I really love cooking. It's such a joy. I think if you're a food lover, you should love cooking too, right? I like trying new recipe and new ingredient. The kitchen is my laboratory. And I love reading food blogs, chef bloggers' especially, browsing food photos, watching Food Network (Ina Garten, Giada De Laurentiis and Bobby Flay are my favorites) and searching new recipes. Did you watch Julie And Julia? Isn't it a wonderful movie with wonderful casts?! It has inspired me so much to start blogging about cooking. I actually wanna wait until I own a house with cute kitchen. But I don't know when will that happen..so I guess I can just start blogging like Julie Powell anytime..except, I don't have Julia Child's book.

Few days ago I cooked gulai kawah beef. It's like curry, but I didn't use the curry paste, instead I used a special powder mix for gulai kawah that my dad bought from his Kelantanese friend. Traditionally, this dish is cooked in a large cooking crater and usually for big feast or ceremony. But we can also cook it at home for few servings by only using a regular saucepan. So this is how Chef Aemy do it, lol (I've never wrote recipe before, so I don't have the exact measurement, I mean, I just use the ingredients as much as I please..heee..).

Ingredients:

Beef. People commonly use tenderloin, but I use the bones because they really give distinctive flavor especially in broth.

Gulai kawah paste.

Herbs and spices (cinnamon, bunga cengkih, bunga lawang, buah pelaga, ketumbar).

Kerisik.

Coconut milk.

Brown sugar.

Tamarind water.

Ground garlic and onions.

Chili paste.

Ground ginger.

Ground turmeric.

Ground lengkuas.

Potatoes.

Salt and sugar.

Method:

1. Heat the saucepan, add oil and stir-fry the herbs and spices until the aroma is apparent. Add grounded ingredients and stir-fry for a couple of minutes.

2. Add gulai kawah paste, chili paste and kerisik, cook until fragrant and the oil separates.

3. Put the beef meat and bones into saucepan, add plain water, and cook them until the beef get tender.

4. When the beef is tender, add coconut milk, a little bit of brown sugar and tamarind water. Adjust the taste with salt and sugar. Add potatoes.

5. Let it simmer for a while. Serve when it's ready. You can put some garnishes like some chili or parsley.

That's it! ^^

Cheating on Your Loneliness

This type of loneliness may always be in you, even if you're with someone. But you could cheat on your loneliness.

Think about how much your mother loves you.

Think about how much your father loves you.

Think about how many fires your sisters/brothers would walk through to protect your heart from being broken one more time.

Think about all the late night calls your best friends have taken and listened to you, no matter how trite.

Think about the ideas in your head.

Think about the people who have read some things you've written about and told you it made them feel a little less alone and less afraid.

Think about the people who have seen something special in you.

Think about the adventures you've had, the strangers who carried you through a tough moment on a leap of faith.

Think about the time you laughed so hard tears came out your eyes.

Think about what it feels like when you see a movie or a play or a work of art and for a minute, everything is suspended in that moment of transcendent and elusive beauty.

Think about all the stories you have.

Think about all of the stories you've yet to tell.

These things will never leave you. The space of what or who has left you only makes room for what needs to come. Thank them. And you don't have to feel lonely after all. 

The Gardeners' Daughter

tulip field in Netherlands

Yes I am. Both my parents really love planting and gardening; mostly are flowering plants, but there are also some mango, rose apple, chiku and rambutan trees. This place that I'm living in, you may call it a house in the garden. My parents' interest started with growing bougainvilleas and cactus. Yes, they're beautiful but I complained when we got many pots of bougainvilleas because watering them everyday was tiring and I had to clean the fallen flowers and leaves. Now the gardens have grown from the front to backyard and there are various of plants and flowers. I don't complain anymore, I still water the plants and clean the yards because I take that as my responsibility to help my parents. Besides, I've started to enjoy it as I love the gardens. Honestly, I don't have the knowledge and skills of gardening (I planted tomato and it died), I don't have the passion that my mom has. But I want to learn, because someday I might also want to have my own garden. 

Gardening gives a creative outlet and a personal link to nature. It helps me feel attached to the earth and reminds me that I'm part of nature which tend to change. I'm thankful to have parents that love nature. And I just adore the things that they have in common, apart from love. It's soothing to see the happiness in mom's face when dad bought her new type of plant/flower, new pots, and soil, and then they would do the gardening together. Sometimes they just hang out in the garden, I can't hear the conversation, but watching them is enough to make me smile. Last year in November my dad booked flight tickets for himself and mom to visit nurseries in Selangor as a gift for their anniversary. Holy moly! Imagine how happy mom was. It's one of the sweetest thing about them!

mom at flower nursery

My dad has just retired from work, so he spends most mornings and evenings outside taking care of the plants. So recently he just finished building a hut for the plants and flowers, now we have 4 houses; orchid hut, caladium hut, plumeria hut, and herbaceous plant hut. There are many kinds that I can't name and recognize in every house, which are bought by mom and dad from many nurseries they've went to. While the bougainvilleas are scattered everywhere around our house. Told you, it's the house in the garden. It's a sanctuary, my safe haven.

I'm not sure what's the plan after mom's retirement this year. I heard they want to open a nursery business, but it's not confirmed yet. I don't know if mom could sell the flowers to people, I mean she really loves the flowers. But what I'm sure is that someday when I have enough money, I want to take my parents to any world's greatest flower fields. Like, tulip field in Netherlands, sunflower field in Italy, lavender route in France, ranunculus field in California, or at least the Flower and Garden Festival at Floria Putrajaya. It's my dream. And I hope it may come true someday. :)

caladium hut

herbaceous hut

orchid hut

plumeria hut