One Step Closer

Hey everyone! Guess what..

I just got engaged! ^^

Oh wow.. 

I have to start with a big, sincere thank you for all the heartfelt congratulations! We're completely overwhelmed by the outpouring of well wishes, and million thanks to those who came to the engagement ceremony. Thankyouthankyouthankyou!!

When he proposed, I undoubtedly said yes. Now I'm staring at this ring..I can say that, yes, this most definitely is it. He's the one, Mr. Right, the whole package. Everything I always, always knew I wanted..only better.

When people hear that we're engaged, there's an inevitable follow-up question: "Wait...how old are you again?" And when we say that we're 25, the reaction is almost always the same: "Wow," they say, eyebrows raised, surprised. "You're so young."

It's true. We are. And for a long time, as in, my entire life, I imagined that I'd be single right now. I imagined that at 25 I'd be single, living in some place, and nowhere near marriage. I imagined that I'd be living with my girlfriends and pretending that I was Carrie Bradshaw, minus the wardrobe. Instead, though, I met the most incredible person I've ever known. And my girlfriends, we're not living together though. They're spread out across the country. Some are married, engaged and others are single, and hardly any of us are where we expected to be..in Sabah or in life.

I understand that marrying young isn't for some people, I really do. Truth is, I thought it wasn't for me, either. There's something to be said for waiting, for focusing on your friends and your career and dating throughout your life so that by the time you run into that one person, you never have to question it. I believe in that theory, and if I hadn't met Ifo, I'd probably be living it.

I did meet him, though, so any kind of life plan I'd ever created for myself bent and unfolded to allow room for him, for us. And still, I'm always sort of shocked to see how much of my life has gone the way I'd thought it might. I followed the path I set out for myself, and that never really ceases to amaze me.

There are certainly upsides and downsides to marrying young. The most common "downside" is true: in every decision you make, you have another person to consider. In that sense, yes, there's less individual freedom. But to me, I feel sort of blessed to consider Ifo. I feel blessed that there's someone in this world who means so much to me that I want to match my life to his.

A stranger, actually, is the person who said it best, I think. A woman shared her experience on marrying young. "I'd have given anything to share all that extra time with the love of my life," she said. "To share all those extra years, all those experiences in your twenties that shape you forever. You're lucky."

Extra time together, that's how she put it. Lovely, don't you think? Well, 25 is not really young though. Lol.

Well, even if it's cliche, even if it sounds cheesy and ridiculous and totally scripted, I've honestly never felt freer in my life. Because real love, the best kind of love, makes you feel free to be yourself. Free to let go, hold on, take risks, and move forward. Free to be wildly, absurdly happy. And I am. I really, really am. :)

The Picture on the Wall

You know when you hang a new picture on the wall? At first, you glance at it every single time you pass by. Maybe you even smile and stop to admire it. But then after a while, it just seems to sort of blend into the landscape. It becomes 'just' a picture. 'Just' a photo. You pass by it every single day, you see it, but you don't. Not really. It becomes something that's just there.

Until one day. The day that picture gets taken down. You pass by that place where it used to hang and you immediately notice that something is amiss. You can't quite put your finger on it, but you know something is missing. So you look around and you notice the wall and it's bare. Where once was color, a dreamy landscape, a smiling face, there remains now only an echo. A rectangular imprint on the wall where that frame once hung. That square of paint which the sun's rays had never had the chance to brighten...until now. 

And in that moment you realize just how much that picture transformed the place where it used to hang. Maybe it was for the better, or maybe for the worse. Maybe you miss it, or maybe you don't. But whatever the case, there is a valuable lesson to be learned from that picture: the little things, however little, matter. Maybe we don't see them, or maybe we like to pretend we don't, or maybe we just never stopped to look, but they do.

Look around. Observe. Admire. Because the little things, so often taken for granted, won't always stick around forever. One day they will take with the current and swim away. Please, don't let that be the day you realize how much they mean to you.

Be a Special Idiot

A few nights ago someone asked me if I’d read the article, "26 reasons not to run a marathon". It's a few nights before I joined the Borneo International Marathon (BIM) 2015. I hadn't read it. But now I have. Though the author brought up some great points, like running marathons isn't for everybody and it could physically damage you if you're not properly prepared, etc...there's no reason to instill fear.

There's no need to make people feel like their heart's going to stop or their knees are going to fail them, or that they're wrong for only wanting to run a marathon to brag or flood Instagram with pictures of finisher medals. That's their right. So now that I've read the top reasons NOT to run a marathon, and I've JOINED a marathon on 3rd May 2015, I've compiled my own little list: 19 reasons to run a marathon.

Here goes.

1. Feel like a super hero

Super Man, Wonder Woman, Batman, Flash, Black Widow...pick whichever tickles your fancy because you'll feel like any one of them.

2. Improve discipline in other areas of your life. 

During training periods you can be disciplined in every aspect in your life from work to diet to exercise. There's something about being able to focus your mind for hours upon hours that really sharpens it. Discipline brings a whole level of clarity to life.

3. It's a great people replacement

You recently got dumped? You and your best friend fighting? You moved away from your family? You lonely? Well marathon training can be your friend. Yes, like the author of the other list said: You will sacrifice part of your social life but when you're missing part of that social life to begin with, endless hours of running can certainly be a stand-in for a few months. And if you join a running group or training team, you might just make new friends.

4. You might make new friends

I met some new friends at the BIM; from kids to old people, from the locals to foreigners. It's fun. Yay for new friends!

5. It restores your faith in humanity

I know it sounds depressing, but having perfect strangers, both fellow runners and onlookers, encourage you when you're in pain and want to quit restores your faith in humanity. I've never seen so much goodwill and willingness to pump others up happen in a non-tragic setting.

6. It gives you an excuse to celebrate

Marathon days are pretty much better than birthdays in that you get to celebrate your own awesomeness on other than just the day you're born. People will want to take you out to eat, your parents will reinforce how wonderful they think you are and your partner will be reassured that you're the most amazing person on the planet. Selfish, I know, but true.

7. You'll discover what works for you

In terms of food as fuel, shoes, clothes, you'll find out what works for you and what doesn't.

8. You'll help worthy causes

Raising money for good causes gives you motivation to train, plus that extra self-righteousness that comes from doing good.

9. You'll learn about new products

Ever had chafing on your thighs? Underarms? Not yet, but you will and that's when you'll learn about new products like Body Glide or creative ways to use Vaseline.

10. You'll learn more about yourself

Hours upon hours running give you plenty of time to be alone with your thoughts. You'll learn what's really bothering you in some aspects in life and you'll have time to mentally sort through and figure out solutions. It's a very meditative time.

11. You'll push your limits

If you say, "I can't," to a lot of stuff, marathon training will rid you of that shitty habit. When you're not training, no matter how many marathons you've run, the thought of running double-digits is outrageous. "I can't," you might think. But when you're out there and you do it despite you mind's can'ts, you learn to push yourself past any former perceived limits. It's exhilarating.

12. You'll feel fitter, stronger than ever

There's nothing more horrible than slipping on your skinny jeans and realizing they're the only skinny ones in the situation. That doesn't happen during marathon training. You feel like a fit, sexy beast.

13. Bragging rights

Oh your friend ran a 10 km? How cute. You? You ran that 10 km after you already run 20 miles. Boom.

14. Improved cardiovascular health

But this is only true if you keep running. Don't run a marathon and then give up running altogether. Be cute and run that 10 km with your friends, you don't have to run marathons all the time to remain healthy.

15. Amazing sleep

You'll never sleep as well as you do after a long run. It's just blissful.

16. Inspiration

Whether you finally become inspiring to yourself or you're inspiring others or you happen to meet some inspirational folks, there's no shortage of inspiration when it comes to marathons. Plus, when life gets to sucking as it inevitably does at times, you can look back on that accomplishment and remember how at one point, you felt freaking invincible.

17. Post-marathon feast

No one can feast like a person who just ran a marathon. I'm personally not too hungry after a marathon, but the simple fact that at that moment I have the freedom to choose whatever I want to eat without guilt is enough for me to not regret the months of training.

18. Swag

One of my favorite parts about running a marathon is the expo: Free food, swag and good times taking pictures and getting free gears. It's like a carnival. Who doesn't love that? Plus at the end of the race you get a medal. If you're a lazy ass kid who didn't like to run, like I was, then you didn't get medals for this kind of thing when you're little. Now you do.

19. Because you want to

My biggest pet peeve is people telling others what they can't or shouldn't do. Your brother double-dared you to run a marathon? Show him you're in and run it! You wanted to do this before you turn 40? Do it! Wear your medal to your 40th birthday party if you want. If running a marathon is what you want, and you're overweight or scared you're going to drop dead during the race, then get healthy, lose weight and then train. My moral: There's always a million reasons to NOT do something, but as far as I can see the best reason TO DO something is because you want to.

Missing You

They talk about missing people as if it's something they only feel, like the scratching and melting of pulling on old sweater. But it's less like only feeling and more like living with an ache that becomes as much a part of you as your fingers or how your eyes disappear when you laugh or the freckles that find your face on a sunny day.

With features, you can pinpoint each one, and so it is with missing. Wednesday morning and I'm missing you, Thursday afternoon and I'm missing you, Friday all day and I'm still missing you. You carry the culmination of the moments, in small and simple ways, and in the end it didn't matter if they were good or bad, just that they were and for once, that was enough.

Characterized by when: when he made jokes and you laughed, when your favorite smell of was lavender and grass, when you listened to the same album hundred times and swore you'd never get tired of it. Marked by how: you picked seashells while the sun set, he drove to a sleepy town with you and listen to Coldplay, you wore his sweatshirt smelling like rain. And more often than not, it's by what it's missing: your favorite sushi, voice at the end of the line, someone to understand your movie references, a way to say I love you without any words.

I'm missing you so badly.

It's Okay to be Messy

I'm guilty of wearing masks. Specifically, the lovely, I've got it all figured out.

It's easier to slap on a smile, put up a pretty photo, write a few words, and be done. Easy to blog a session or write about what's good, instead of what's hard. Easy to put on a face and skim the surface instead of being real and honest and raw. Easy to make it seem like my life's less than messy, more like a picture perfect magazine rather than being filled with grittiness and real things like staying up too late working and getting behind on deadlines and being insecure.

I want to be honest and real. I don't want to appear like I have it all together or because I'm doing so and so, I'm somehow "better" or "cooler" or "more professional." or I've somehow reached "that point" (whatever it is, it doesn't really exist), where I've got it all figured out. Because that's so far from the truth. :)

So. Here's the truth...

I still get nervous before every session.

I care too much what people think and struggle with my identity.

I fear I don't measure up.

I focus on my fears instead of resting in God's truth and promises.

I get stuck between pushing myself and being proud of myself.

I have trouble believing in myself.

I feel like I'm faking it and won't ever make it.

I struggle with punctuality and diligence every single day.

But there's grace in the midst of those real things. And I don't have it all together. Not by a long shot. But I'm learning. I'm growing. I'm learning to let go of my perfectionism and to be confident in the gifts I've been given and use them to the best of my abilities...that doesn't mean I get a free pass to beat myself up if I "mess up" or don't meet my own expectations. There's a difference between pushing ourselves to be better and ignoring the strengths and gifts we do have, because we fear we don't measure up.

And I fear I don't measure up all the time. Because of my age. Because of where I'm at. Because I can't drive yet. Because I don't have ____ or ____(whatever it may be). Because I did or didn't receive this many comments (yes, even silly things like that). Because I'm not a permanent teacher. Because I don't work out everyday or eat totally green and on and on.

But none of that matters. That's not where my identity lies. I can find joy and I can find who I am in the things of this world or I can embrace who I am in this beautifully messy life I've been given.

Here's the deal. It's easy to reach a certain point and think that we've got it made. Whatever it is..that we'll be good. That all our insecurities and fears will go away and somehow we'll live in this overwhelming confidence. And those things are not necessarily bad..in fact, they can be really good! But when we start basing our identity in where we're at instead of who we are, then we lose the heart behind what we do and who we truly are.

I struggle with my identity. I get nervous around other teachers and students, bloggers, and well, sometimes just people in general. I'm afraid that I don't measure up. I worry about whether people will like me and I put too much stock in what other people's opinions of me are, instead of being confident in who I am. And it's an everyday choice for me to focus not on what the world says, but what God says. That I don't have it all together and that's okay. I don't have to be perfect. It's okay to be messy.