February 11, 2014

Letting it All In

Previously a friend asked about love, heartbreak and moving on, about the hows and the whys. I've been thinking a lot about how to respond, remembering that desperate grip of hope that rises in the wake of a loss. Remembering the need for black-and-white clarity. Really, all of us just want someone to name that thing, that one thing we're feeling, because once we've named the unnameable, it somehow feels easier to erase; if only because we finally know what exactly we're trying to move past.

"How do you get over the feelings? How do you move on?" She asked.

There's no one answer, of course, and although she'd been talking about romantic love, I think we can all relate to that need to escape feelings. It's not always easy and I can't always manage, but if I'm angry or upset or lonely or jealous or afraid, I try to step back and say, "so be it." So be it. It's okay to feel sad and it's okay to feel nostalgic and it's okay to sink into those murky, melancholy feelings every once in a while. That's life. That's living. What matters, where your character lies, is in the action. The greatest marker of who you are is what you do with how you feel, what happens in those moments between sense and do.

When it comes to the most powerful, deep-rooted sorts of hurt, loss and heartbreak, I suppose I've never really set those feelings aside. They still scratch at my insides some days, when a moment or some strange emotion catches me by surprise. I've always felt like all those slivers of heartbreak still live somewhere inside me and on any given day, it's just a matter of where they lie. Most days I don't notice them. But some days, they sit in my stomach, making me nauseous. Other days, it's a quick poke that swiftly passes. And on the worst days, I feel those thick, heavy feelings of heartbreak filling up my throat until they make a lump so big I can hardly breathe. Sorry if that's exaggerated. 

"I can't even sleep, I'm drowning," she said.

I understood. Whenever I've experience pain, I wallow. I dive headfirst into mourning, basking in the most surreal kind of sadness. Long, dramatic crying spells, hours spent feeling everything at once, hours feeling nothing. The point is, I let all those feelings wash over me, drowning for just a little while until I'm literally exhausted by them, until I can't stand to sit still for another moment and all I wanna do is do something about it.

Eventually, that human impulse to fix will kick in. Eventually, you'll hit the surface. In the meantime, feel. Whatever it is, just let it in. Feel, and then do. And do something that makes you feel proud. Let your actions reflect your best self, and don't worry about the rest.


  1. My friends tend to go to me if they wanted advice about couple relationship. I always wonder why are they coming to me since I have like the lowest experience in girlfriends considering I only have 1 ex gf. Haha. Well, one guy said that it's the quality of experience that counts, not the number of girlfriends. Hahaa.

    Anyways, that was iklan. I feel sorry for your friend there. But, the only right way to really move on is to just keep doing activities and not just lie on bed crying. Well, maybe one day session of tears is needed but then after that, just do things. And she'll eventually move on. That's how I see it la. And that's how I did it wakaka. Excluding the tears part la. :D

    Happy Wednesday, Aemy!

  2. Ooooo..aemy, u describe heartbroken just the way it is in a detail way!!

    Yes!! Just let it be and don't worry about the rest!


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