Is It a Contentment or Happiness

A few months ago, I talked to my old friend and I asked how's she doing, she said that she “wasn't great but content.” It's a throwaway comment, but it stuck with me. There's this sad permanence in her tone of voice. It's like she reconciled herself to the fact that she’s never going to be great and that it's what it is. I think that sucks. I never want to be content. I want to be happy. Unfortunately, that's what I exactly feel right now after what had happened today. 

I’m not good at much. It’s true. I’m genuinely not saying that to garner sympathy, I’m just a realist. If you were to stack up what I’m good at in one column and what I’m bad at in another, the difference would be staggering. In fact, off the top of my head, my only discernible skills are being nearly unbeatable in Scramble and Candy Crush on the phone. Aside from that, I can write. And even if you aren't entertained by my crap, I am. It makes me happy, not content. That fact is why I’m trying to make a living out of it. That fact also brings me to my point: being content is not being happy. And after today, after 4 years, I don't feel happy at all, but content, because it's not what I'm good at, it's not what I dream for.

Being content is settling. It means that you’re almost happy. It’s like saying you're going to win the gold but settling for silver. Yes. I've found something I love. That’s what I should have done since 4 years ago, I should've gone to the other road, the road not taken. Now I regret and I won't take the wrong turn anymore. I've seen some friends and family doing the things they love. It’s inspiring. It’s also what fuels my attempts to go for my dreams. I still have time. And happiness is the most subjective of things. It’s the most personal journey there is. 

What makes you happy, friends? I imagine for the person who always wanted to be a teacher, it’s when you’re standing in front of your first classroom. I imagine for the person who always wanted to practice medicine, it’s the first time you save someone’s life. And I imagine for someone who always wanted to be a writer, it's the moment you're holding your self-written published book. 

Let's be happy. Don't be afraid to fail but don't choose something you're forced to do. Be afraid to look back when you're old and gray and realize you never tried. That's scary, failing isn't. When someone asks how I’m doing someday, I never want to answer by saying that I’m content. I want to say that I’m great. I realize not everyone can be great. But no one should give up on their own personal pursuit of happiness before trying their absolute effort to get there. 

Fiction Friday: Walk On By

If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours, and if they don't they never were. - Kahlil Gibran

We ran into each other the other day. In the midst of all the people who went off the train that afternoon, there he was. I hadn't seen him for over a month but you looked just the same. He had that wrinkle I know so well between he eyebrows, the one that he got when he was feeling impatient or annoyed and I couldn't help myself but to smile. 

I'd barely rested my eyes on him for more than a few seconds when he noticed me. A look of recognition and we paved our way through the crowd towards each other. A quiet hi, and of course the most common question of all, “How are you?”

I was just about to answer that everything was fine, everything was just normal, yes everything was just like it was supposed to be, when the words I was going to pronounce got stuck down my throat. He gazed at me with his honest brown eyes, the ones I'd always been able to tell everything and I felt how my lie crumbled into dust. I couldn't lie to his face, I couldn't lie to him at all. So instead I took a deep breath and spoke the truth. 

“It's crap.”

He froze and looked surprised. This wasn't the answer he'd expected to his rhetorical question but I was tired of playing strong so I continued,

“It's crap because you and me are acting like strangers. As if we haven't known each other. It's crap because we don't see each other anymore. I missed you. I missed you so much that it hurts. But do you know what the worst part is? The fact that you don't seem to miss me at all. Are we still together?” 

The waiting hall fell silent. All the train travelers seemed to have disappeared and we were all alone. 

Seconds passed but he remained quiet. I wanted him to say something. I wanted so badly for him to say anything at all but instead he gave me that hurt puzzled look which said, “I don't know what to say,” so I did what first came to mind, I turned around and left. 

I left despite the fact I had so much more to say. More explanations, questions and things I missed about him. And yet, as I stumbled down the stairs with tears rising in my eyes, I got a feeling of accomplishment because at least now, he knew. Now he knows. Now he knows how I feel and where I stand. All my cards are on the table and there is nothing more I can do. It's up for him to decide where we go from here. 

If it is going to be an us or simply just a he and then me. All I want is an answer. An answer to let me moving forward either alone or with him. An answer for me to escape from waiting. But for what it is worth, I'm hoping for the first alternative. I am hoping for an us. 

It's Okay to Say No

For some reason we tend to feel like we must always say “yes” to people when they ask a question or a favor. We all want to say "no" more than we actually do.

Will you lend me RM5? Does this shirt look okay? Do you want to go out with me tonight? Do you want this cake? Yes. Yes. Yes. You say yes out loud, but in your heads: “No, I need that RM5". “No, that shirt is awful”. “No, I'd rather just stay home because I'm tired”. “No, I’m not hungry and I’m trying to reduce my weight.”

We over-commit to things, only causing unnecessary stress. If you don’t want to do something, then don’t. You say yes because you don’t want to be rude, but deal with that later. The person you’re saying no to probably won’t mind, if they do, I’m sure they’ll get over it. It’s okay to say no when someone offers you a bad food or drink. It’s okay to say no to the guy who’s taking advantage of you. If standing up for yourself and your morals makes you a bitch, so be it, and be proud of it.

Learn to prioritize the things you’re saying yes to. If you can’t keep your word and commitment then learn that sometimes. It’s okay to say no. 

Self-respect is the root of discipline: The sense of dignity grows with the ability to say no to oneself. 
- Abraham Joshua Heschel

Love Clichés

I think it is unfair to base ideas of what love should be on one thing or another. Love isn't a solid fact. It's always different, always shows up in different forms, and is always there when you think it isn't. I think the only common factor is that love is positive. I'm not saying love always leads to positive things (as in Romeo and Juliet) but the impact it leaves on your life is lasting. It'is there for you to compare your feelings to and it's there to help you get through the worst of times. 

Do you know about the Maslow's hierarchy of needs? Come on, everyone knows that. Maslow didn't include love on his hierarchy for no reason. We need it in our lives to survive. I believe dying of a broken heart is a real thing. Love is electric, everlasting, proven, important, beneficial, and most importantly beautiful. Love because you can, because it is beautiful. Everyone needs it, everyone deserves it.

I can't say when you'll get love or how you'll find it or even promise you that you will. I can only say you are worthy of it and that it's never too much to ask for it and that it's not crazy to fear you'll never have it again, even though your fears are probably wrong. Love is our essential nutrient. Without it, life has little meaning. It's the best thing we have to give and the most valuable thing we receive.

Maslow's hierarchy of needs

World's Best Dad

His smiles can always dissipate your fears;

His words can always spark you up with wisdom;

His shoulders can always raise you up to reach the stars;

He is the hero in your life, and so we call it...Dad. 

Father’s day gifts at Zazzle.com

It’s a tough world, and you need somebody to prepare you for it. Just like my mom, dad has been a protector, building up my confidence and sheltering me from the bad things in the world as I grew up. Well, everyone has their world's best dad. My dad worked so hard to provide for his family, to ensure that we had an education and we wouldn’t have to work as hard as he did (he tapped rubber trees and sold paintings in his younger age) and start from zero. This work ethic's something that has been instilled in my family, as we don’t do anything halfway (I hope it stays in me).

Dad puts education 1st, so as a kid, I just wanted to make my dad proud. There's sparkle in his eyes when I became the best student at school, yet I could also tell the resentment he had when I failed in Maths later. But he didn't blame me, he blamed the teachers. Lol. When he clapped for me on my academic achievement awards, it's a victory, like, "I've made him proud!". Me and dad have one thing in common: we love books, we love to read. He's been keeping some sets of encyclopedias at home, no one but me and dad have read them. 

I love it when dad cooks. Mom's always the greatest chef, but dad's expert in Western food, especially beef steak and lamb chop. People loved my dad too. Not only because of his generosity, but most importantly, how he connected with people. He spends Friday nights hanging out with his friends, not at the coffee shop, but at the mosque; praying, reading al-Quran, and talking about society growth. And he always makes our guests feel like home. I'm proud of the way my dad being Handy Manny. He built cat's house, hut on a tree, chicken coops, shelves and house of flowers, all by himself. 

We may not say "I love you" to each other directly in family, it's not our thing. But we show our loves in action and I know how much we love each other. He might not reading this blog, but this is for him,

Dear dad,

Thank you for ensuring that I had every opportunity in the world. Thank you for modelling what you want me to be. Thank you for sharing the same hobby with me. Thank you for inspiring me to work my hardest at whatever I do. Thank you for teaching me to be generous. Thank you for showing me that you can be a tough man that can show love in your own way. Thank you for believing in me. You are the world's best dad. Happy Father's Day. :)

Your princess,
Aemy