Moving On Without Letting Go

My contract as a substitute teacher has come to an end. It was a bittersweet farewell.

Letting go of people and places I love has never been easy for me. In fact, it's always been one of my biggest challenges. I've just never understood how you're supposed to be able to say goodbye to someplace or someone you love or have loved with every piece of yourself. I know, of course, that it isn't possible to hold on to everything you've ever cared about, but that's never quite stopped me from trying. 

It's just that I tend to think of my life in chapters and it isn't as if you keep reading and just forget what happened on the previous page. No. You hold on to every important character and setting from the beginning of the story because you just know that in some later chapter there'll be some epiphany and you'll better understand their significance. You never forget about those first people or moments because they're the undercurrent of everything to come. 

So maybe it's not really about "letting go" at all. Maybe it's about acknowledging who, what and where you've loved and appreciating that they've led you to the page you're on now. Maybe it's not about forgetting, but about letting those people and places nestle themselves in some corner of your heart so that down the line, when you encounter that climactic scene that gives meaning to the entire story, you can smile to yourself as you realize that it's them who brought you here, to this place, to this person you've become. 

The school..it's the same school I went in 2003 until 2007. As someone who gets, well, more than a little nostalgic for the places I love, I've kept my distance from it since college. That school's at the center of so many of my most special memories, and I thought it'd be best to rip off the band-aid and never look back. A quick, clean goodbye. Turns out, that wasn't the case. I returned as a teacher and I got attached again. 

How refreshing, and what a relief, not to ache for what you used to have and where you used to be. It's taken me a long, long time to learn that you don't have to miss something to make it mean something. A place or a person can be important to you without pining for it, and moving on, it doesn't have to be dismissive. There are different shades of letting go. 

I miss my students and fellow teachers. Thanks for the memories. See you again next time!

A Tribute

I'm the type of person who cries when sad. I tear up at scenes in books that break my heart. I tear up at plays, or movies, or real life situations. 

Death strikes me as a random occurrence. It picks us arbitrarily, and when it does, it has a million different faces. It's something to accept, because it's a fact of life, but difficult to swallow, because of the side effect of it: Loss. We do not lose easily. Losing makes us go crazy. We're not meant to lose. We're geared for success, all of us. It's in our DNA, our survival mechanism and the resultant pride in it. But loss is also there for us, at any stage in life. And we must learn to cope with it.

Do you know Dean Potter, the BASE jumper who spent his lifetime trying to fly? He feared death, but continued leaping, tight-roping, living his dream of safe flight, until May 16, 2015, the day he smashed to his death against a notch in a route he knew well. His friend Graham Hunt was with him; both were known to be safe, experienced flyers. Both died in the quest for flight. There's risk, and they accepted it.

How about the climbers and guides that died at Mount Kinabalu after the earthquake? Especially those children..I'm sure they're aware of the risks. Or maybe they're too young to know the risks. But they climbed anyway and I salute that. Because I think that's the gift of youth; not knowing to be afraid. Not knowing that you're stronger than you know you are. And I defend this right to discover the horizons beyond.

They were student leaders. They were developing talents, also developing characters. What's a leader who doesn't know his/her strengths and limits? What's a leader not forced out of his/her comfort zone? What's a leader not brought to the edge and taught to jump? That's why as students, they strive for the challenging and prestigious journeys. From the reports, not a single one of the students didn't look forward to the trip. This speaks highly of their eagerness to serve, of their courage and willingness to test their boundaries, displaying the same spirit that Dean Potter and Graham Hunt did throughout life. This makes their deaths more tragic. And yet, in their quest for betterment, I find myself respecting them more.

And of the teachers..their enthusiasm and willingness to defend the children, to sacrifice themselves is incredibly touching and heartbreaking in its heroism. More will be said about them as adults, but less will be known, at the same time. What will remain is the impact they've made on their friends, family, and by extension, those of us reading their stories.

Rest in peace. The climbers and the guides. I don't know any of you, probably would never have met any of you in this life, and will never cross paths with you now. But I feel the loss. The world weeps for, honors, and loves you.

I find the words of Dean Potter's ex-wife Stephanie Davis comforting today. On a wingsuit jump together, Stephanie jumped ahead of her husband. He didn't land, Stephanie did.

"I want to tell you what it feels like to fly. If you could, you would stay forever. I was in front, and he jumped right behind me. When I landed, he wasn't there. When someone disappears in a wingsuit, it means one thing. Through the excruciating hours of searching, I already knew I wouldn't see him again. I've been a full-time climber for 20 years, and I know how to endure. No one's going to get you off the mountain but you. Crying is just a waste of water. And by extension, I used this way to deal with adversity in real life. Lost your job, lost your husband, dog died? Slam in the ice tools and keep going! But enduring is really about being numb. It's about choking off all possible emotion, it's about getting the job done instead of falling apart and giving up. I thought about walking to the top of a cliff without my parachute and stepping off. It's not like I don't know how to jump off a cliff, and in Moab we have plenty of them. Leaving is final, but understanding that staying is not final really took the pressure off and made it possible for me to just keep going one minute at a time. So at first, I did what I know how to do; I endured. After a couple of months, I started to see the difference between endurance and resilience. Endurance is about holding on, resilience is about letting go. Most things in life, you don't get to choose. Most things in life, you'll never see coming. Most things in life, you don't get to keep. There's no way to avoid risk in real life, imagining you can is just wishful thinking. Nothing stays the same. Endurance works, but you can do better. What you can do is choose resilience, no matter what. I stood at the edge of a vast canyon in Arizona, I thought about the last time I flew in another life. I opened my arms and pushed off. The air filled my wings and it was all there. Freedom, wonder, pain, mystery, magic, joy. I want it all, I choose it all, I choose to fly."

Once again, Rest in peace. You will live on in our memories and in our actions, as we strive to lead our lives in the same spirit that you all have demonstrated. To those alive, may you also be at peace, and may you be resilient, for there is still this world out there for you to explore.

One Step Closer

Hey everyone! Guess what..

I just got engaged! ^^

Oh wow.. 

I have to start with a big, sincere thank you for all the heartfelt congratulations! We're completely overwhelmed by the outpouring of well wishes, and million thanks to those who came to the engagement ceremony. Thankyouthankyouthankyou!!

When he proposed, I undoubtedly said yes. Now I'm staring at this ring..I can say that, yes, this most definitely is it. He's the one, Mr. Right, the whole package. Everything I always, always knew I wanted..only better.

When people hear that we're engaged, there's an inevitable follow-up question: "Wait...how old are you again?" And when we say that we're 25, the reaction is almost always the same: "Wow," they say, eyebrows raised, surprised. "You're so young."

It's true. We are. And for a long time, as in, my entire life, I imagined that I'd be single right now. I imagined that at 25 I'd be single, living in some place, and nowhere near marriage. I imagined that I'd be living with my girlfriends and pretending that I was Carrie Bradshaw, minus the wardrobe. Instead, though, I met the most incredible person I've ever known. And my girlfriends, we're not living together though. They're spread out across the country. Some are married, engaged and others are single, and hardly any of us are where we expected to be..in Sabah or in life.

I understand that marrying young isn't for some people, I really do. Truth is, I thought it wasn't for me, either. There's something to be said for waiting, for focusing on your friends and your career and dating throughout your life so that by the time you run into that one person, you never have to question it. I believe in that theory, and if I hadn't met Ifo, I'd probably be living it.

I did meet him, though, so any kind of life plan I'd ever created for myself bent and unfolded to allow room for him, for us. And still, I'm always sort of shocked to see how much of my life has gone the way I'd thought it might. I followed the path I set out for myself, and that never really ceases to amaze me.

There are certainly upsides and downsides to marrying young. The most common "downside" is true: in every decision you make, you have another person to consider. In that sense, yes, there's less individual freedom. But to me, I feel sort of blessed to consider Ifo. I feel blessed that there's someone in this world who means so much to me that I want to match my life to his.

A stranger, actually, is the person who said it best, I think. A woman shared her experience on marrying young. "I'd have given anything to share all that extra time with the love of my life," she said. "To share all those extra years, all those experiences in your twenties that shape you forever. You're lucky."

Extra time together, that's how she put it. Lovely, don't you think? Well, 25 is not really young though. Lol.

Well, even if it's cliche, even if it sounds cheesy and ridiculous and totally scripted, I've honestly never felt freer in my life. Because real love, the best kind of love, makes you feel free to be yourself. Free to let go, hold on, take risks, and move forward. Free to be wildly, absurdly happy. And I am. I really, really am. :)

The Picture on the Wall

You know when you hang a new picture on the wall? At first, you glance at it every single time you pass by. Maybe you even smile and stop to admire it. But then after a while, it just seems to sort of blend into the landscape. It becomes 'just' a picture. 'Just' a photo. You pass by it every single day, you see it, but you don't. Not really. It becomes something that's just there.

Until one day. The day that picture gets taken down. You pass by that place where it used to hang and you immediately notice that something is amiss. You can't quite put your finger on it, but you know something is missing. So you look around and you notice the wall and it's bare. Where once was color, a dreamy landscape, a smiling face, there remains now only an echo. A rectangular imprint on the wall where that frame once hung. That square of paint which the sun's rays had never had the chance to brighten...until now. 

And in that moment you realize just how much that picture transformed the place where it used to hang. Maybe it was for the better, or maybe for the worse. Maybe you miss it, or maybe you don't. But whatever the case, there is a valuable lesson to be learned from that picture: the little things, however little, matter. Maybe we don't see them, or maybe we like to pretend we don't, or maybe we just never stopped to look, but they do.

Look around. Observe. Admire. Because the little things, so often taken for granted, won't always stick around forever. One day they will take with the current and swim away. Please, don't let that be the day you realize how much they mean to you.

Be a Special Idiot

A few nights ago someone asked me if I’d read the article, "26 reasons not to run a marathon". It's a few nights before I joined the Borneo International Marathon (BIM) 2015. I hadn't read it. But now I have. Though the author brought up some great points, like running marathons isn't for everybody and it could physically damage you if you're not properly prepared, etc...there's no reason to instill fear.

There's no need to make people feel like their heart's going to stop or their knees are going to fail them, or that they're wrong for only wanting to run a marathon to brag or flood Instagram with pictures of finisher medals. That's their right. So now that I've read the top reasons NOT to run a marathon, and I've JOINED a marathon on 3rd May 2015, I've compiled my own little list: 19 reasons to run a marathon.

Here goes.

1. Feel like a super hero

Super Man, Wonder Woman, Batman, Flash, Black Widow...pick whichever tickles your fancy because you'll feel like any one of them.

2. Improve discipline in other areas of your life. 

During training periods you can be disciplined in every aspect in your life from work to diet to exercise. There's something about being able to focus your mind for hours upon hours that really sharpens it. Discipline brings a whole level of clarity to life.

3. It's a great people replacement

You recently got dumped? You and your best friend fighting? You moved away from your family? You lonely? Well marathon training can be your friend. Yes, like the author of the other list said: You will sacrifice part of your social life but when you're missing part of that social life to begin with, endless hours of running can certainly be a stand-in for a few months. And if you join a running group or training team, you might just make new friends.

4. You might make new friends

I met some new friends at the BIM; from kids to old people, from the locals to foreigners. It's fun. Yay for new friends!

5. It restores your faith in humanity

I know it sounds depressing, but having perfect strangers, both fellow runners and onlookers, encourage you when you're in pain and want to quit restores your faith in humanity. I've never seen so much goodwill and willingness to pump others up happen in a non-tragic setting.

6. It gives you an excuse to celebrate

Marathon days are pretty much better than birthdays in that you get to celebrate your own awesomeness on other than just the day you're born. People will want to take you out to eat, your parents will reinforce how wonderful they think you are and your partner will be reassured that you're the most amazing person on the planet. Selfish, I know, but true.

7. You'll discover what works for you

In terms of food as fuel, shoes, clothes, you'll find out what works for you and what doesn't.

8. You'll help worthy causes

Raising money for good causes gives you motivation to train, plus that extra self-righteousness that comes from doing good.

9. You'll learn about new products

Ever had chafing on your thighs? Underarms? Not yet, but you will and that's when you'll learn about new products like Body Glide or creative ways to use Vaseline.

10. You'll learn more about yourself

Hours upon hours running give you plenty of time to be alone with your thoughts. You'll learn what's really bothering you in some aspects in life and you'll have time to mentally sort through and figure out solutions. It's a very meditative time.

11. You'll push your limits

If you say, "I can't," to a lot of stuff, marathon training will rid you of that shitty habit. When you're not training, no matter how many marathons you've run, the thought of running double-digits is outrageous. "I can't," you might think. But when you're out there and you do it despite you mind's can'ts, you learn to push yourself past any former perceived limits. It's exhilarating.

12. You'll feel fitter, stronger than ever

There's nothing more horrible than slipping on your skinny jeans and realizing they're the only skinny ones in the situation. That doesn't happen during marathon training. You feel like a fit, sexy beast.

13. Bragging rights

Oh your friend ran a 10 km? How cute. You? You ran that 10 km after you already run 20 miles. Boom.

14. Improved cardiovascular health

But this is only true if you keep running. Don't run a marathon and then give up running altogether. Be cute and run that 10 km with your friends, you don't have to run marathons all the time to remain healthy.

15. Amazing sleep

You'll never sleep as well as you do after a long run. It's just blissful.

16. Inspiration

Whether you finally become inspiring to yourself or you're inspiring others or you happen to meet some inspirational folks, there's no shortage of inspiration when it comes to marathons. Plus, when life gets to sucking as it inevitably does at times, you can look back on that accomplishment and remember how at one point, you felt freaking invincible.

17. Post-marathon feast

No one can feast like a person who just ran a marathon. I'm personally not too hungry after a marathon, but the simple fact that at that moment I have the freedom to choose whatever I want to eat without guilt is enough for me to not regret the months of training.

18. Swag

One of my favorite parts about running a marathon is the expo: Free food, swag and good times taking pictures and getting free gears. It's like a carnival. Who doesn't love that? Plus at the end of the race you get a medal. If you're a lazy ass kid who didn't like to run, like I was, then you didn't get medals for this kind of thing when you're little. Now you do.

19. Because you want to

My biggest pet peeve is people telling others what they can't or shouldn't do. Your brother double-dared you to run a marathon? Show him you're in and run it! You wanted to do this before you turn 40? Do it! Wear your medal to your 40th birthday party if you want. If running a marathon is what you want, and you're overweight or scared you're going to drop dead during the race, then get healthy, lose weight and then train. My moral: There's always a million reasons to NOT do something, but as far as I can see the best reason TO DO something is because you want to.