On My 23rd Birthday

3 October 1997. You have so much to learn, lil' kid.

It's my 23rd birthday! Lol. It's so impossible to be down on my birthday. I love looking at the past year and seeing how a year isn't that long of a time, but how much I've grown and improved. Sometimes you look back and realize that you had shitty times, but you made it through with a smile and made some fabulous memories along the way. That's what life is all about, staying happy! I don't know how this past year managed to fly by so quickly. It seems like just yesterday I turned 20. *gigglin* But this past year, it was amazing and life changing. Little did I know the adventures that were in store for me. And to think, that the adventures have merely just begun, well that's an incredibly wonderful thing. But, as an ode to the last year, I'd love to share 23 things I've come to know during this last year:

23. If you want to do something good, do it. Don't hesitate. People will be skeptical, people will tell you a million reasons it won't work. But if you feel you can do it, you probably can. And more than that, you'll regret it if you don't. 

22. I've done a thesis, which was one of the best things I've ever made, though definitely also one of the hardest.

21. Getting a passport and I've finally traveled! 

20. There'll be fears and there'll be dreams. Don't let the fears stop you from accomplishing your dreams by taking steps one by one to make your dreams come true. 

19. Rewarded myself with an original album of Paramore. 

18. Though far away in terms of distance, you really do keep those you love close in your heart, no matter where you are.

17. Honesty is the best policy. Just be who you are and people will like you for it, or not. But no point pleasing people who don't like you, and if you do, you will have to constantly do it which is not worth it at all.

16. People that are meant to come into your life, do. I can't control that, I can only have faith.

15. It really is about perspective & where you put your joy.

14. Blogging is still one of the greatest things I have decided to do.

13. I can actually cook. And bake. Real food. And some wickedly scrumptious home-made break. Yup.

12. Graduating from university is extremely exciting, but equally terrifying. But it's normal to feel that way. I'm going to be okay.

11. We're all going to run into a lot of naysayers in life. Let's ignore them. Better yet, let's prove them wrong. 

10. People come into our lives when they're meant to, just as much as they leave our lives when they're meant to. 

9.  It's okay to make mistakes. Really. It's not the end of the world when you do. Just know how to learn from your mistakes and try not to repeat them and be better next time. Life is a life long learning process!

8. There are a lot of things I need to quit being afraid of and just try.

7. People you don't see very often, or know particularly well, have the ability to tell you things that stay with you forever. (And things you most need to hear.)

6. Life in your twenties is pretty tricky and exciting, and really, really scary. It's okay to feel that.

5. Keep this in mind everyday: Today I am better than you, but maybe tomorrow, you'll be better than me.

4. Need to embrace uncertainty. 

3. Need to be more patient.

2. Being vulnerable is brave.

1. I am the luckiest girl in the world to have such wonderful family, friends and a boyfriend. I'm surrounded by blessings.

Thank you so much for letting me share these special life moments and lessons with you. I am forever thankful for your support! Love, love, love!

When People Leave

What to do when people leave you?

• Do not hate them for it. They are on a journey too. 

• Understand that sometimes you will be a bandage caressing a temporary wound or you will be a pinnacle of permanency rooted deeply in their heart. Accept that you do this to people too. 

• Do not step on your feet trying to find a rhythm you are not meant to follow. 

• Do not let it harden you: continue to nurture, continue to love.

• People use words as anchors to latch onto bits of you and when they leave remind yourself that the sea never bled itself dry because a ship left it. 

• Write the nastiest letter and burn it.

• Yes, they may have illuminated pieces of you that you were unaware existed. But now you do and they are not the last person to remind you.

• Dizzy yourself with everything you love, like dancing in the kitchen to horrid pop songs or reading Haruki Murakami. 

• Set all that anger ablaze, you're wasting your time sifting through it. 

• Internalize the fact that you're still breathing before you met them. 

• Forgive them.

Hope and Mental Illness

Mental illness is just one of those topics that remains a bit taboo though it's 2013 and it affects more people than we could possibly realize. From depression to hypochondria, there's so much we don't understand. Of course not. It's not as simple as a diagnosing a broken arm, nor is it as commonly curable as sore throat. We aren't even sure if mental health is curable.

That's the thing, there's just so much we don't know. But just because we don't know doesn't mean we can't try to understand and even sympathize. And for those of us who can, empathize. So when I see insightful articles being shared and passed around among the masses it makes me feel as though there's hope. Hope that the more it's talked about, the more awareness that's brought to the issues, the sooner we'll be able to more openly discuss these hardships, the sooner more therapies and cures will be found. 

So here's just something I'd love to share with you. 

On depression:
Adventures in Depression by Hyperbole and a Half

At first, I'd try to explain that it's not really negativity or sadness anymore, it's more just this detached, meaningless fog where you can't feel anything about anything - even the things you love, even fun things - and you're horribly bored and lonely, but since you've lost your ability to connect with any of the things that would normally make you feel less bored and lonely, you're stuck in the boring, lonely, meaningless void without anything to distract you from how boring, lonely, and meaningless it is. 

On Insomnia:
In Which We're Up All Night by Elizabeth Gumpert

A cure that leaves you groggy or hungover is no cure at all. The point of sleep, after all, is that it's supposed to restore energy, and hope. It makes you alert enough to do things, and optimistic enough to believe they're worth doing. If you wake up feeling otherwise, what's the use?

On Depression after weaning:
The 2 Hardest Months Of My Life by Joanna Goddard

One afternoon, while taking a walk along the Hudson River, I told my mom, who was visiting us, that I wished that Toby had a different mother. He deserved more, I thought. I felt like such a failure: I had always wanted to be a mother. I always had baby fever. I always looked forward to having children. But now that I had a sweet, curious, beautiful baby, I suddenly couldn't handle motherhood. I felt exhausted and inept. 

On Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD):
OCD: Clearly My Doctors Were Off Their Rockers by Anna Allen

At first I was relieved, and then I was mad. Mad that Barbara Walters had never even addressed the fact that this kind of OCD was real. And then I was even more pissed that I didn't have the hand washing compulsions, because then, at least, people could see what was going on in my mind, instead of seeing me act normal, while my mind was full of intrusive, terrifying thoughts.

And, please, if you feel hopeless, remember these things:

How To Take Care Of Yourself When You Feel Suicidal

Just because your life feels unbearable now doesn't mean that it'll feel this way forever. Try to remind yourself of all the times in the past when you felt miserable and hopeless and lost and how each time, the pain eventually passed and life worked itself out - maybe not in the way you imagined, but things got better nonetheless. Now is no exception. This pain you feel can and will pass. If you give up now though, you'll never discover that better place, so keep holding on. 

Hope is real, hope is near. You are so loved.

When tough times come, it is particularly important to offset them with much gentle softness. Be a pillow. - Vera Nazarian

When it Comes to Love

Life's really interesting the way it turns out. Especially in the transition from being a child to being an adult. You may escape reality for a while, but it catches you up and scares you from behind. What seems like a brilliant love story always has its pain. Nothing turns out as it looks like. Even when anything else seems to be stupid to claim. 

Life's not what you make it because you have so little power over your own life. Ironically enough, others form what you become. Others form where you are and how you feel. And sadly enough, so many young people have such an amazing view of life. Truth is, you'll have very little to say. I don't know if I'll laugh at this when I get older, but I've discovered that when you see the best in people, you got blinded. You have to be ready to see the best and worst in people. You can't ignore the bad sides, the luggage or even the slightest signals. 

Truth is, most of the time, it's too late. We're so positive as people. We always want to hope for the best, give the best, try our hardest. Especially when it comes to love. Love just seems so lovely. Even after all the awful stories you've heard from others, even after countless warnings, after countless advise. You still give yourself to someone because you think this significant other is somehow different. And so it goes. It seems like you have all you ever wanted. It seems like this is it, this is the life, this is the love, your dream has come true, everything's the way it's supposed to be. 

But little by little, reality catches up with you and before you know it, you're staring into the eyes of a wholly different person. It's almost frightening, how little you know, and what's even more frightening is that you thought you actually knew. Because after all, this was nothing close to blind love. You know each other's good and bad sides, you know the pretty and the ugly, you know the habits and you know the stories.

Yet reality, in it's purest form, still hides behind that imperfect but, yet so cherished person. 

We think that our stories are different. That finally, it'll make sense. Finally someone understands and receives in the way that you have longed for. You give everything you have, even what you don't have. But nothing about us is different. Just as real as everything else. Disappointment, tears, misunderstanding, grudge, regret, sadness.

Every person that comes into our lives shapes us, creates us. That is, we are a creation of other people. Now meeting another creation, of other people, can form a clash, which happens in every single story. What do you do with it then when there's no way back? When the tables are set and the dress is bought and life is ahead? There's no regret, but reality certainly does frighten.

2 in 1: Happy 50th and New Piece by Ifo

That's for my country. Happy 50th Malaysia Day! Well, despite that I'm not entirely independent (part of me still colonized, frankly speaking), I'm really proud of being Malaysian. 

Growing up, I feel so proud living in Malaysia. "Malaysia Truly Asiaaaaa....." the radio played. Gorgeous views, beautiful people, SALE, harmonious land where its people of different races, cultures and religion live side by side with each other; the TV showed me. It made me realize how amazing Malaysia is. The text books said so too and well, I see that in school too where kids regardless of race or their skin color, played with each other.

And then I grew up. I saw many awful things. So many racism happening, so many conflicts with the politics, how the government brainwashed us to think that we're perfect, we are ONE, and so on. We have one of the worst human rights issue, we don't recognize refugees and treated them badly, MORE RACISM, we have 1st class infrastructure but 3rd class mentality..the list goes on. 

But don't let me kill whatever love or hope you have towards Malaysia just yet, because despite all these flaws that we face, no countries, even its people, are perfect. Malaysia is not that bad after all. We can praise other countries for their development and crazy technology and kick ass government service, but at the end of the day, home's where the heart is. You can't reject something that you're born into just because it's not 100% perfect. I hate Malaysians who go around talking about Malaysia and praising other countries. Seriously. If you're not happy with Malaysia, migrate, change your nationality, live there, rot there and die there, and then you realize how it's not all perfect there too. It's the whole "grass is greener on the other side" mentality. What you see's not always true.

I love Malaysia. It's not perfect, yes, I have to agree, but it's home and that's the only place where you're treated warmly and with open hands. If you're in other country, who knows what kind of treatment you'd get because well, you're not one of their own. Having said that, it doesn't mean that we can just shut up and go about life as if nothing is wrong with our home. There's a lot of wrongs here and we need to fix it. We must do something to change the future of our nation. So come on, lighten up! Live life to the fullest and stop being such a killjoy! 

And by the way, I'd like to share some pieces by our local talents with you, lovelies. My man, Ifo, has composed 2 new songs entitled Luka and Aramaiti. The songs were sang by our dear friend Rizal and the music's amazingly arranged by Icco, and the whole thing is immensely supported by The Baks. They totally made it! You'll love it, I promise. Enjoy the songs!

LUKA

[Verse 1]

Semalaman ku berfikirkan tentang kita berdua

Ku anggap kau dan aku selalu saling merindu

Purnama takkan berkekalan selamanya

Kita juga begitu

Ku ingin kau tahu

Kau cuba melupa, ku cuba fahami semuanya

Adakah kita kan bahagia seperti dulu?

Segala memori indah kita bersama

Semua menjadi palsu

Ku ingin kau tahu

[Chorus]

Oh

Ku terluka, ku terluka

Melihat kau disana bersama dia

Ku taruhkan, ku taruhkan

Segala harapan kita yang telah kau hapuskan

[Verse 2]  

Ku menangis seorangan, kau gembira bersamanya

Tidak terlintas walau sesaat kau ingatkan ku

Dipukul ombak pilu ku kenang senyummu

Tapi bukan untukku

Apakah kau tahu

[Chorus]  

Ohh 

Apa yang ku lakukan

hanya untukmu sayang

Inikah yang ku trima?

Kau pergi tanpa kata

 Mungkin ini suratan

Ku redha ketentuan

Ku hanya ingin kau tahu sayang

[Chorus]

Ooooooh (3X)

Kau hapuskan

  

ARAMAITI

[VERSE 1]

Ku bangun ku terima mesej

Dari mu kata kau minta putus

Ku terus mandi buat tak peduli

Padahal hati sunggulah sedih

Kawanku datang kerumahku

Singgah pinjam baju

Bilangnya padaku

[CHORUS]

Jangan kau resah

Semua pasti okay

Lupakan semua duka

Kita bersama bergembira, Aramaiti!

Mari kita merasa

Muda selamanya

Selamanya!

[Verse 2] 

Ku ke tempat kerja

Bos terus marah marah

Semua pun tak kena

aku pun boleh gila

Kawanku datang kepejabatku

Singgah hantar baju

bilangnya padaku

[CHORUS]