October 6, 2013

Who You Are





Someone once said to me, "don't ever stop writing. You would be numbing your soul. It's who you are."

Sometimes as we go through life trying to figure out which path to take next, we forget the things that make us happy and make us who we are. Some fall back in to a rut, some give up when things don't come easy to them, some lose hope when things don't happen over night and some take pain as a set back instead of over coming obstacles and pushing forward. 

When I think about what was said to me, I realized writing and expressing my thoughts and feelings is who I am and for a while I stopped expressing how I really felt. I got back in to that routine of just nodding along with life, I weren't really feeling, like my mind was split in two again.

Sometimes even at our happiest we're still affected by things that hurt us, like..you know, anything. It's over the past year that I've come to realize being strong isn't being fearless or switching off your emotions, it's expressing them and overcoming our boundaries and turning a negative situation in to something positive. We're so set on impressing other people that we forget who we really are. We adapt to what other people believe or likes or dislikes.

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment"

Be true to who you are, and if you still haven't figured out who that is yet, look inside your heart, look to those around you that inspire you. Be someone who will aspire to be more like you one day. Be kind, be gracious. Look for signs from the universe and enjoy life. Be weird, be wonderful. Be yourself.  Life's too short to be somebody else, ya'll.




October 5, 2013

Roses are Red, Violets are Blue





Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet, and perhaps so are you.

But the roses are wilted, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty, your wrists are stained red.

The sun isn't shining, the sky isn't clear;
there's no silver lining cause you're no longer here.

Rain keeps on pouring, there's no end in sight,
you're laying there frozen, so far from the light.

Your beauty's unreal, your smile the sun,
but times can’t be turned or your actions undone.

The words that you wrote, that only I read
"I love you so much; please don't cry when I'm dead".

A bond that we formed, a love that ran deep,
the pain that we shared, a friend I could keep.

I wanted to hold you, wrap the tears from your eyes;
been there the moment you had said goodbye.

I want to forget, but most times I don't,
I want to let go, but I know that I wont.

Tears on my face, memories burned in my head.
The roses are wilted, the violets are dead.





p.s: I don't remember where did I get this poem from. I love how they rhyme.




October 4, 2013

Fiction Friday: You're Not Mine






Black long wavy hair right down to her hips with slight curls at the tips. The white light bounce off her hair resulting in her black locks instantly shining and attracting. Her hazel eyes with a slight glint stare right into me. She's wearing her favorite red dress. That's what I see before me. My reflection. Every aspect of my appearance is carefully prepared to match Jay's liking.

My heart pounds not knowing how the night would end but I know it has to be today, otherwise I know I would never get a chance again. I readjust my dress and check every part of my body, checking them off in my mind. I sigh and look over to my watch. It is almost time; I have an hour left to panic before seeing him. Come on pull yourself together, I say to myself. Calmly I sit on my bed and look at the pairs of shoes I have in front of me not knowing which one to choose. I carefully analyse each pair of suitable shoes I own. Still I couldn't figure out which ones to wear with this red dress. I look at my black heels and then dart my vision to the red pumps. Why's life so difficult? I stare at the black heels and suddenly remember Jay had commented on them before. In fact he didn't just comment on them, he bought them for me for my birthday. 

"I don't know why but for some reason I just had to buy them for you. I know you'd make them look amazing!" He smiled at me whilst handing me the box.

"What do you mean I'd make THEM look amazing?" I questioned him not being able to stop myself from giggling. I took the black box and opened it up to see a pair of black heels. They shimmered in the glow of the light. There was a big smile on my face. He didn't know that I had looked at these shoes just the night before wishing I owned them, it was as though he had read my mind!

BZZZZZZZZZZZ. That sound snaps me away from the memories. Crap, it's my phone! I jumped off my bed and picked it up. "Hello. Okay, I’ll be there!" I hang up and run out of my apartment. I couldn't lie how happy I am. I hurriedly walk down towards the end of road just until I could the coffee lounge. It has been our secret place that no one else know about. I guess it has become special because it's where we first met, where we could be alone, away from the rest of the world. I slow down now as I could see the shop sign. I feel a sudden rush flow up my body at the thought of him finally hearing what I was about to say, the thought of him booming with happiness. This is the perfect time to tell him. 

I stand outside the store and look in to see if he's there. I press myself against the door to get a better view but no sign of him. Only the heat of my breath seems to mist up the glass window. I open the door and hear the jingle of the chimes above the door. I smile as it seems to suit the happy glow oozing out of me now. Just as I close the door behind me there's a handsome man before me grinning. He winks at me as I walk past. It makes me blush but I look away happily. I sat in our favorite spot peering at the view through the window knowing that any minute now he would walk in. 

I got nervous as I keep exchanging glances between the clock hanging on the beige wall and checking my phone for missed calls or messages. Still no contact from him but there is still time, I am just early. I reach out to the stack of magazines in front of me and pull one out from the pile to divert my attention elsewhere. I begin reading the relationship advice section to find all sorts of dilemmas. I'm so involved in a case given by a woman where she found her husband had cheated on her with her best friend, I'm shocked that such a situation's even possible. 

"That's good huh?" A familiar voice questions me. I look up to see a smirk on Jay's face. I totally forgotten about our meeting and feel so calm until I study his face in more detail. His lips lure me towards him every minute he speak. His eyes make mine flutter every moment he blink. There's nothing I could do but remain glued to this emotion I'm feeling instead of resisting temptation. He waves his hands at my face and clicks his fingers to get me back to reality. I guess he must have realized I was studying him too close as he's in confusion. Slightly embarrassed, I look away.

I laugh, trying to change the conversation, "Err.. I see you're wearing your good luck red shirt." I said pleasingly. He looks at his shirt and looks back at me confusingly. He walks to the counter and orders my drink. I couldn't stop wondering if there's a reason that he's been wearing that shirt today of all days. I smile unconsciously not realizing how stupid I look like. He must have realized I'm daydreaming again as he places our drinks on the table because he nudges my cheek to get my attention. But he never noticed how much I long for his affection. I move my head away and look up at him smiling. 

"Why are you so far away? Did you forget to eat vitamins?" He says and giggles. He gets up and sits next to me on the couch sliding his arm across my shoulders and resting his. I watch his face glow in amusement as he finish off his coffee ice as if he's a child happily moving to the beat of a nursery rhyme, he smiles pleasingly as though he had accomplished his lifetime goal.

"Nothing, I'm just happy to see you," I say. We hold a gaze for a while. Then he puts his drink on the table and is facing me. He pulls my hair back from my face and tucks it with the other strands and held my head between his hands carefully as though it was fragile, and he stares into my eyes.

"Jane..." He pause and grin. "Today is gonna be my lucky day!" He's almost shouting. I feel the excitement from him contagious, I begin to get excited myself for an unknown reason. Deep in my heart I'm confident this is going to be the end of my wait. He leans forward and whispers into my ear, "I hope you like her."

HER?! I looked at him disgusted, not meaning to. I pull back confused.

"Hey," a female voice hovers from behind. I couldn't recognize it, but among my confusions in the event he's already turning around and locked into a conversation with a brunette curled figure. I peer over his shoulder to catch a glimpse of her. She glances at me briefly making an awkward moment between the two of us. 

"Hello." I smile at her trying to break the ice. She waves back to me and smiles.

"Oh, sorry Jane, I totally forgot you're here! This is Louisa. Louisa, this is my best friend, Jane." 

"I've heard a lot about you." She replies, addressing me. Her eyes beam in amazement. Who is she, I wonder. I watch her holding Jay's arm as he plays with her her. If I didn't know any better I would say there's definitely something going on, they couldn't have been any more obvious.

"So don't get angry with me or anything, but do you remember when I told you about my ex?" Jay asks me and I nod. "Well, we started talking again and our families got to know that we had been in contact and well, you know how it is when the parents know." He winks. I'm still confused, he must have guessed my blank expression as a reply to his statement. "THAT'S her!" He exclaims. "Louisa's my ex. I wanted you both to meet, that's why I had kept it a secret all this long and not telling you about anything."

"Nice," I reply back. Then Louisa goes to the counter while me and Jay are sitting on the couch, but Jay sits away from me. It's almost as if this is a sign to show me how destiny's going to turn out, but during the moment I haven't really pick up on it. "Hmm, I still don't get why the secrecy if you're just talking to her, you goof?" 

"Well, isn't it obvious, you dork?” he pauses for a brief while, looks back at her and leans towards me and whispers, "we're getting back together. That's why I wanted you ladies to finally meet. I mean you're my best friend and well, she's my girlfriend. I want you both to get along with each other. Just give it a go please?" He begs.

I feel like a total stranger. I bite my lip trying ever so hard to not let my tears fall. I gulp the meaningless words down my throat and engulf the shattered pieces of my heart. Slowly I begin to edge a smile out through my face and nod. He gives me a high 5 and pinches my nose. As I watch him approaching Louisa, I run to a restroom.

Tears begin to fall down into a gush of an uncontrollable waterfall sliding off my face. I watch my reflection in the mirror not understanding why this is happening. I know I've lost the battle when he mentioned that she's his ex. She's the long lost love he would always talk to me about. I always thought that there's never a chance they would get back together again. Well I thought wrong. My mind is clustered with so many thoughts but this isn't the time or place, besides he'll be looking for me. I know that I have to go back out there and behave as everything's fine.

I check my face in the mirror and wipe away the tears that have dried on my face. I catch my breath and push the door. There he is standing with a smile on his face. He swings his arm around my shoulders and walks me up to Louisa. "He's a good man, I'm happy for you guys." I never imagined I would've been able to say that. Quite frankly I thought as soon as I walk up to her I would have set off crying, but instead those words came out straight from my heart. 

I think it's time to leave. I walk over to the counter to get some takeaways so I could get rid of the gut feeling I had around my stomach. While taking my order, the staff brings me into conversation. "I hope you don't mind me saying this but..it's his loss that he chose her over you. He's had you at his side for 10 years now and has been so blind to not realize everything he needs was always right there," the staff says nonchalantly.

I look up at him once realizing what he just said. How did he know? I was baffled. "Excuse m-"

"Who knows, maybe you'll make another guy lucky." He quickly interrupts me and winks. I feel myself blush but glad upon hearing those words. For some reason it gives me some assurance. I'm sure that in the upcoming years I'm going to be entirely happy with them being together, which is hard but it has to be done. I wouldn't want anything for him but happiness. If that's with her he would always have my blessing. I still love him nonetheless, I have to find a way to let go of those feelings. 

I look at this stranger and feel at ease. I look back at my best friend and his dream girl and then at this man, who plants a seed of hope within me. "Maybe," I reply and smile.



October 3, 2013

On My 23rd Birthday


3 October 1997. You have so much to learn, lil' kid.



It's my 23rd birthday! Lol. It's so impossible to be down on my birthday. I love looking at the past year and seeing how a year isn't that long of a time, but how much I've grown and improved. Sometimes you look back and realize that you had shitty times, but you made it through with a smile and made some fabulous memories along the way. That's what life is all about, staying happy! I don't know how this past year managed to fly by so quickly. It seems like just yesterday I turned 20. *gigglin* But this past year, it was amazing and life changing. Little did I know the adventures that were in store for me. And to think, that the adventures have merely just begun, well that's an incredibly wonderful thing. But, as an ode to the last year, I'd love to share 23 things I've come to know during this last year:



23. If you want to do something good, do it. Don't hesitate. People will be skeptical, people will tell you a million reasons it won't work. But if you feel you can do it, you probably can. And more than that, you'll regret it if you don't. 

22. I've done a thesis, which was one of the best things I've ever made, though definitely also one of the hardest.

21. Getting a passport and I've finally traveled! 

20. There'll be fears and there'll be dreams. Don't let the fears stop you from accomplishing your dreams by taking steps one by one to make your dreams come true. 

19. Rewarded myself with an original album of Paramore. 

18. Though far away in terms of distance, you really do keep those you love close in your heart, no matter where you are.

17. Honesty is the best policy. Just be who you are and people will like you for it, or not. But no point pleasing people who don't like you, and if you do, you will have to constantly do it which is not worth it at all.

16. People that are meant to come into your life, do. I can't control that, I can only have faith.

15. It really is about perspective & where you put your joy.

14. Blogging is still one of the greatest things I have decided to do.

13. I can actually cook. And bake. Real food. And some wickedly scrumptious home-made break. Yup.

12. Graduating from university is extremely exciting, but equally terrifying. But it's normal to feel that way. I'm going to be okay.

11. We're all going to run into a lot of naysayers in life. Let's ignore them. Better yet, let's prove them wrong. 

10. People come into our lives when they're meant to, just as much as they leave our lives when they're meant to. 

9.  It's okay to make mistakes. Really. It's not the end of the world when you do. Just know how to learn from your mistakes and try not to repeat them and be better next time. Life is a life long learning process!

8. There are a lot of things I need to quit being afraid of and just try.

7. People you don't see very often, or know particularly well, have the ability to tell you things that stay with you forever. (And things you most need to hear.)

6. Life in your twenties is pretty tricky and exciting, and really, really scary. It's okay to feel that.

5. Keep this in mind everyday: Today I am better than you, but maybe tomorrow, you'll be better than me.

4. Need to embrace uncertainty. 

3. Need to be more patient.

2. Being vulnerable is brave.

1. I am the luckiest girl in the world to have such wonderful family, friends and a boyfriend. I'm surrounded by blessings.


Thank you so much for letting me share these special life moments and lessons with you. I am forever thankful for your support! Love, love, love!



October 1, 2013

When People Leave





What to do when people leave you?



  • Do not hate them for it. They are on a journey too. 



  • Understand that sometimes you will be a bandage caressing a temporary wound or you will be a pinnacle of permanency rooted deeply in their heart. Accept that you do this to people too. 

  • Do not step on your feet trying to find a rhythm you are not meant to follow. 



  • Do not let it harden you: continue to nurture, continue to love.



  • People use words as anchors to latch onto bits of you and when they leave remind yourself that the sea never bled itself dry because a ship left it. 



  • Write the nastiest letter and burn it.



  • Yes, they may have illuminated pieces of you that you were unaware existed. But now you do and they are not the last person to remind you.



  • Dizzy yourself with everything you love, like dancing in the kitchen to horrid pop songs or reading Haruki Murakami. 



  • Set all that anger ablaze, you're wasting your time sifting through it. 



  • Internalize the fact that you're still breathing before you met them. 



  • Forgive them.




 

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