Warrior Blood in my Veins

The 7-day tahlil ceremony for my late grandma (may her soul rest in peace) has came to end last wednesday. It all went well, alhamdulillah. I was glad that Ifo and The Baks came on one of the nights because honestly, I was me again when they're around. It's not that I ain't happy with my family..I don't know how to describe this, but when you and your family are gathering and you know there's a void, deep in your heart wishing someone were there too, then forcing smile or laugh to cover the emptiness, you know. 

Anyway, during the ceremony, there was grandma's uncle that we called him Nek Tamin, 95 years old. He came bringing something valuable for our family; full hierarchy and written story about our ancestors. Surprisingly, after 23 years of living, only now that I've found out who's my great great great grandparents. Nek Tamin's father, which is also grandma's mother's father, was named Awang Besar, who used to be one of the workers that built the train railroads Papar to Tenom. Awang Besar was raised by his adopted family as her mother died when he's a baby and her father went to war, but the real purpose was to hide him from British people. So who were the father and mother of Awang Besar? Believe it or not, they're Datu Paduka Mat Salleh and Dang Bandang. 

Yes, this is not a joke, I'm seriously talking about Mat Salleh, the Sabahan warrior who gained his fame due to his resistance to the British colonials in Sabah. Mat Salleh's my great great great grandfather. I didn't know it until 5 days ago. I'm not sure if late grandma knew it too because she never told us any of it. I think this is another miracle that she left. It's not something to be bragged about, but I was really really surprised. I hated History subject in school, I might even had fallen asleep when the teacher taught us about Mat Salleh, who apparently happens to be one of my ancestors. 

Truth be told, Mat Salleh didn't killed in the battle in 1900. He found shelter somewhere at Indonesia and lived there for 38 years before coming back to Sabah with a new identity, Hj Abdul Salam. That's also when his son, Awang Besar, drew his last breath. This story's told by Nek Tamin who has witnessed everything. I know that according to our History textbook, the story goes different way. Now it's up to you whether to believe the textbook version or the 95-year-old Nek Tamin version. Allah knows best. But it doesn't matter now to me because bygone is bygone. What matters is I know my roots, my ancestors, my family. In a way, knowing that warrior blood runs through my veins is cool. :p

Just a Memory

Ifo made a new song called Memori. I've been listening to it over and over again because it reminds me of grandma. Ironically, Ifo made it on the night before my grandma passed away. Each time I play it, I'd get a feeling, the same one when I was listening to Paramore's In The Mourning, Avenged Sevenfold's So Far Away, Avril Lavigne's Slipped Away, etc. 

I hope you'll listen to the song and love it. The music and lyrics are solely made by Ifo, and here's the demo video, presented by Ifo and Naaszreen.

Memori - The Baks

Kau pergi jua,

Tinggalkan segala,

Takkan ku lupakan

Senyummu selalu

Tinggallah kenangan

Tinggallah memori

Memori yang terindah

Ku rindu dia

Sekian selamanya 

Ku ingat dia

In the Mourning

the last picture of us together

It was 27th November 2013. My grandma came to house that morning. She looked pale and tired, but was still smiling and cheerful. So we talked like usual, she told me about gardening and planting coconut trees at aunt's house (which she couldn't make it). I showed my convocation pictures to her and she's happy for me. She also hoped that she could see my wedding one day. Then I asked her to rest and watch tv for a while as I did laundry, but when I got back she's already went back home. 

Only that evening I realized that it was the last day I saw and talked to my grandma. Around 3pm, she felt uneasy, was hard to breathe..she asked my aunt to help her taking a bath and apologized to everyone for being a burden before she's taken to hospital where she's admitted to ER. I didn't join them (which I regret) because I had to take care of my niece. Then I did the weirdest thing that day; I vacuumed the carpets and changed the curtains. I didn't know why I did that, as if people were coming for an occasion. I mean, I just did. I went to hospital with my dad before 6, but when I got there, everyone's weeping, crying..I knew it's already too late. The doctor said he'd done everything he could. My grandma's blood pressure was too low, her heart was too weak and there's a sudden attack of pneumonia. 

I ran into the ER and saw my grandma in the bed, white and unconscious. My mum, aunts and others were crying around her..but I just can't go nearer because I felt so sick and weak. I thought I was prepared. I wasn't. I got out of the room, ran to empty space until I couldn't feel my feet..sat on the floor and cried so hard. I recalled every moment with grandma..when I was kid, when we celebrated something, few weeks ago, and that morning. I recalled our last moments together. I can't believe things happen in a blink of an eye. She's gone. The person I love, the person I talk to everyday has gone now.

It's been 4 days now. I've been losing sleep, losing interest in everything, losing myself in deep thoughts, my body and mind are out of sync, my tears have dried but my heart's still broken. It's like I'm still stuck in the morning of 27th November. 4 days and it still lingers. I'm trying to keep things together. I told myself all the right things to justify why it was okay.

Deep in my heart, I'm thankful to Allah because grandma slipped away in peace. She's left us miracle and a lot of greatest life lesson. At least for me. She had lived a full life. She's the friendliest person I've ever known. She treated everyone, even strangers, kindly like they're her family and friends. She loved to do sedekah. She's hardworking and never tired of giving useful advice along with interesting stories. She's funny and a bit of superstitious, and that's how we love her. She used to advise us to be aware of death as much as to obey Allah's rules in sickness and health. The way grandma lived her life has changed me: I aim to be as loving to others as she was to people. In this way, her spirit lives on through me. One flap of my grandma's wings creates a wave that will ripple on into the future indefinitely. 

Though she couldn't get to see my wedding, I'll remember her when the time comes. I'll always remember grandma. May Allah rest her soul in eternal peace. Al-Fatihah..

The Times You'll Miss

As my time as a student has came to end, I can't help but reflect on the past 4 years while Vitamin C's Graduation plays in my mind. I'm not going to put you through that, but I'd like to share some words of advice for the juniors, wherever, whoever they are. I'm gonna go ahead and get the cliches out of the way first: College flies by. Get involved. Take advantage of the opportunities. Have fun. Study hard. Don't take those years for granted. Be safe. You'll someday look back on this time and miss it. You will. 

Now that those are out of the way (yet, so very true) I'm gonna add a few of my own what-I-wish-I-had-known-while-in-college lessons. 

1. The library has the best resources. Learn how to use them. Yep, I didn't know this until my last semester. They also have subscriptions to some of the raddest, most expensive websites and databases in the world. Explore your hobbies and interests now. You have the best resources to do so.

2. Have dinner with your dorm mates. They're gonna be the ones that you miss the most after your course mates. 

3. Talk to your lecturers. They're people like us too and (most) always there because they really do want to help you learn. And (most) are experts on extremely specific topics. And (most) wanna tell you about what they know. Make appointment, email/text them if you have questions. Know what's worth debating and what's not. 

4. Put down your phones and talk to people around you. After college, you're probably rarely, if ever, going to be around so many people in the same life stage/situation as you. Everyone's there trying to get a degree. We're all on the same playing field, help each other out. Meet people who are interested in your same hobbies. You may never again see people with the same interests on a daily basis. But don't stick to only groups that agree with what you think or like what you like. Explore different groups and make friends with all kinds of people. This is how you learn. 

5. I think this is probably the most important thing I wish I had known: take control of your course, don't let it control you. Choose something that you're really interested in as your major. Don't just follow what your friends choose or what you parents told you so. I wish I had taken different course. I should've been more open to the idea I'd maybe change my mind before deciding on a major. But it doesn't matter anymore. So get them done. Although you're not the smartest in class, be smart anyway. Don't fall into so much drama. Don't waste your time on people who lead you to bad things. 

6. Get off the laptop and go out with your dorm/course mates sometimes. Go to stadium and run. Have a tea time at cafeteria. Go to cinema. Facebook will be around 10 years down the road, but you won't be on campus forever.

I do miss campus more than words could ever express. This is a chapter I long to return to, but life doesn't work that way. All I can do is let those of you going into college or currently in its throws know that this is it. These are times you will miss. Be present. Cherish every single moment. :)

10 Seconds of Fame

I'm officially graduated!! Yay!!! 

*fireworks*

*confetti rain*

Well, it's just an ordinary graduation ceremony. But it's probably the onetime experience, so I wanted to feel the moment. Yes, it's fun, but it's also tiring and exhausting! Plus I only ate a couple of sandwiches that day. I skipped lunch and regretted it. We waited for 2 hours before parading into the hall. The parade was my favorite part..it's glorious, you know..when you walked on red carpet into the hall and everyone's watching and applauding, accompanied with orchestral music. Oh it's wonderful. But the excitement faded a while as we had to wait for another hour before being on stage. When it's time, I could only hear my heartbeats. I went up stage, my name's mentioned, I know I was on the screens, faced the chief minister of Sabah, smiled at cameras, took scroll, said thanks, and went down smiling. That's all. 4 years of study and 10 seconds of fame. Lol! 

Exiting the hall, I ran straight away to find my lovelies. The 1st ones I met were Ifo, Jasper and Selvin. They brought me flowers! Then we went to meet my family and they had flowers for me too. I felt blessed. Being hugged and kissed by mum and dad was the most touching moment, nothing could make me happier than seeing them happy and proud. Despite the fact that I was famished and exhausted, I was glad. Unfortunately I didn't get to meet most friends after leaving the hall, we're all separated by the crowds and couldn't find each other. Everything was so brief. I wish I could see them and say goodbye because it might be difficult to meet again.

The next day was Ifo's turn. I loved it how charming he was in suit and robe. We're finally graduated together. ^^ I got to meet his family and take pictures together. The whole Baks was also there so hey, it's a party! We took as much pictures as we want at the chancellor lawn, went crazy together. Then we took off for lunch, played bowling and decided to stay at Lan's place while waiting for concert night at UMS. So we had karocks and watched Pee Mak that made me almost cry. After that we headed to Tamu Gadang and had dinner there. It's not really a cool place because it's too crowded and smokes were everywhere. And the concert was just okay..there's Azlan & The Typewriter, and a band that tried so hard to be like Paramore..whatever the band was, they performed Still Into You at slow tempo and Conspiracy. I was disappointed as they ruined the songs. 

We kinda made a history that night when a woman approached us and asked to help her finding her 2 little sons that were missing at Tamu Gadang. So we split up and looked for the kids, but we didn't find them..others did. Someone sent them to the stage and made announcement. Phew. Glad the kids were safe. Then we escaped from the place and went to the peaceful sports complex. Looking at the huge field, I recalled the orientation moment dancing on the field during our 1st week in campus 4 years ago. It felt like yesterday. Now we're leaving hogwarts and going forward to the new chapters.

Well, it's an amazing night. It made me realize how blessed I am to be surrounded by wonderful people; my family, friends, Ifo, the Baks, bloggers, etc. Hmm, cliche huh? And being a part of the guys is great, I'm always happy whenever they're around. I may be the wallflower in any other place, but I'm the flower in the group. :)